"sometimes it can feel like men and women in relationships want entirely different things like they're struggling to communicate and connect on the same level about the same set of priorities Jordan wi..."

"[Music] episode Jordan we had a conversation before and it reached tens of millions of people and as I went through the feedback and the comments of that conversation I found one that really stood out..."

"my children still have their father because of you it is one hell of an impact that you've had on just that single person's life how do you receive such incredible feedback from a stranger you've neve..."

"know they were struggling for one reason or another and one of the things you do with people who are struggling is you make the simple even simpler because then they can get a toe hold you know like i..."

"gym and work out be healthy right and that yeah no that's not going to happen it's like putting them at the foot of Mount Everest but the small commitments we keep to ourself are often really underval..."

"positive in their family no matter what it was they were immediately punished and undermined and so if they even went home and dared to start cleaning up the room they'd face resistance within the fam..."

"Beast and the advantage to that is that if you make that first step forward you're actually advancing in the form of in the face of all that opposition the disadvantage is that the first task seems so..."

"have to listen and listen and listen while the person unfolds everything that might be wrong they put all their cards on the table and then you sort through and you think well some of that even they'l..."

"literally what he did he brought the vacuum it was a standup vacuum he brought that into his room but he only got it to the threshold and then he left it 45° across the door L leaning and he walked ov..."

"strategies it's like I don't know what's right for you I'll listen we can jointly explore what might be the right vision for you and then we can break that down into a strategy but you you have to be ..."

"quickly and so that's a very useful thing to know too and that that's true when you're learning anything new it's like you you'll feel like an impostor you'll feel like a fool cuz you are and you'll t..."

"experience people will go out and they'll have a panic attack and then they'll avoid where they had the panic attack but then the probability of the panic attack starts to spread so that wherever they..."

"to move also thinking you're the only person in the world who's suffering that way and so what you do is you find out you you you do a problem analysis and you find out their core fears and what agrh ..."

"feel that it's like there's a place where their fear will they'll say that's close enough it's like okay now you're on the edge you're on the edge so now we'll dance on the edge we'll move your foot f..."

"break it down break it down public speaking anything going to the gym anything anything a small dose you know a small dose and it's it's it's so fun to do this with people it's the same thing you do w..."

"know because you could come to me especially people who are you know very unsophisticated they can come and talk to somebody like a a well experienced clinician someone whose breadth of knowledge exce..."

"intuition something's wrong okay what well then you guess right so imagine the threat system has sort of got something in its sights but it it's a a sense that something's not right but it's not fully..."

"you can't do that is cuz you you probably have the problem wrong so so then back to your question about helping one of the most effective things you can do to help people is to listen and there are Te..."

"time and that's quite fun you said this but then you said this and they don't like they seem contradictory to to me you're not accusing the person you're saying I see an inconsistency in the way you'r..."

"100% the importance of listening can't possibly be overstated listen ask questions until you understand and by doing that you also help the other person clarify the situation it is so hard to do and I..."

"but you have to see because you could imagine while this woman is explaining her problems to you she's talking about things about the company and her relationship with the company that might be unsett..."

"going to throw out a bunch of screen concerns just to see if you can be trusted with something that will reveal their vulnerability and they're even doing that to themselves it's like dare I tell the ..."

"avoid it and run away yeah right right it's so interesting what what was actually revealed because this person that works one of my marketing teams in a different company where there's a CEO said to m..."

"closer to the front line as it turned out when Freud first developed Psychotherapy he developed this technique of free association okay so all free association is and this is what Freud this is why pe..."

"their behavior in any way imaginable to get attention there's no it's because there's no difference between attention and love by the way like there's no difference and so I don't think you have to hi..."

"that hasn't been filled in and so maybe you if you had a trauma when you were four you hit a wall and be you couldn't resolve the trauma that's no different than not maturing in relationship to that p..."

"somewhat fragile conceptual structure right and then the person will try that out a couple of times like maybe you this is something where you have it's like something that's just come out of a cocoon..."

"and so if I do have a problem with someone I want to note it get it on the table fight it through to the bloody bottom fix it and move on and there's a you know that's that's a lot of emotional stress..."

"virtually immediate now that can take that's a very high level of Mastery that can take a very long time but then you know you also want to put forward to your wife and yourself the proposition that y..."

"because what do you know look the person's always going to be thinking always if you really knew who I was you wouldn't love me you wouldn't be with me and you know hey fair enough cuz people are full..."

"being bullied because if you didn't being a bully victim is a stable trait so the great analysis of bullies that have been done Dan olis in Sweden did this he was a great psychologist he analyzed bull..."

"trajectory the bullies tend to become criminal and alienated on that front especially as they move into high school and the bully victims tend to become depressed anxious and dependent if you have a p..."

"can help you you know and this is another good rule for couple conflict like let's say I'm unhappy with you say so I come and tell you that you can ask me okay what do you want if I could give you wha..."

"to mastering it over 50 repetitions so but I'll start by just saying it so she'll tell you what to say and you can say it now if you're absolutely 100% unwilling to say it because you think it violate..."

"going to be prepared for it now people do this in their business you don't just randomly discuss a bunch of problems at your business if it's running reasonably well you have a meeting it's parameteri..."

"give her what she wants in your practice have you ever encountered those holes in the bedroom those childhood traumas that you realized at some point when you stared into the patient's eyes they could..."

"that's childhood sexual abuse like it's the ultimate betrayal right it's the it's the a child sexual predator is someone who takes the role of Guardian to be the wolf right it's the worst form of betr..."

"that you know or maybe it's even worse you're traumatized because you did something like brutal seriously brutal and maybe you enjoyed it that's a very common Pathway to post-traumatic stress disorder..."

"Heart of Darkness inside and it virtually killed them one of them had a heart attack ATT one of them went completely broke like they just had a catastrophe when they were making this movie they fell i..."

"dirty job and I say well I'm not doing that well then I leave it to you so there's a kind of betrayal that's built into that now the guys that left thought I don't care I'm not doing this but most peo..."

"with the statement that satisfies all the truth conditions at every level and so you default to the best you can manage you know your wife says do I look fat in this dress you know or or maybe she say..."

"yourself in positions where all of your options are bad and what that means is exactly as you pointed out you did something Upstream man now one of the things you do in therapy is you find out what pe..."

"description below and you can find that waiting list at theconversation cards.com but I'll also include it in the description below wherever you're listening to this episode how much do you really kno..."

"days risk-free with zero commitment try it and let me know how you get on I was looking at our past conversation and I thought it would be interesting to see who the audience were that their demograph..."

"have this terrible war in our culture about what constitutes identity and I think the reason that identity has become such a problem is that our concepts of identity are unbelievably unsophisticated n..."

"one of the things n said the famous German philosopher was that every Drive attempts to philosophize in its spirit so all those subsidiar sub subordinate spirits that war inside you will try to domina..."

"marriage you know there's all sorts of things I can't do which really means I can no longer in the most primitive way it means I can no longer immediately gratify my short-term whims although it could..."

"they're statistically indistinguishable does that not raise the question about the decline of religion absolutely well that's the next level it's like okay so there's you now you're a husband right an..."

"and you might say well I don't believe in God and then I would say well do you believe in good and you'll say no I say well then you can't act because you act towards a good or you're not motivated I ..."

"me me yeah well that right right absolutely absolutely well that's why the classical Christian philosophy has always been that you cannot infer someone's moral worth by the level of accomplishment so ..."

"a consequence I I said Protestant liberalism for a reason like as we've moved away from God we've moved into a radical subjectivity now the problem with that is that a radical subjectivity especially ..."

"talk about what you love to people who want to listen plus we'll provide you with maybe enough financial security so you don't have to be concerned about your damn University anymore which is also som..."

"thing we usually have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest in the diary but um I wanted to ask you my own question because it was quite pivotal..."

"big a problem so and I I mean I just have an absolutely miraculous realm of opportunity in front of me it's crazy every day I have is so interesting that it's almost unbearable and I would tell people..."

"it's crazy you know wherever I go I can talk to whoever I want essentially you know I'm going from country to country people stop me on the streets they're happy to see me it's like I have friends whe..."

"you can I truly believe that people have that at hand they have you have that at hand that's there for you Jordan thank you my pleasure it's always good to talk with you it's always good to talk with ..."