"we have been encouraged culturally to criticize people we're in long-term relationships with not new relationships new relationships you put the person on a pedestal you're allowed to just oh they're ..."

"what is the most common reason that marriages fail that's a great question but it's a question that everybody wants there to be a simple answer like they want me to say cheating or money or you know t..."

"disconnection would be my answer do you think it's possible to introspect like looking backwards for every individual case where the disconnection began and how it evolved sure yeah this is such a mul..."

"to think a lot about my own arguments but I also have to think about what's the other lawyer's argument going to be especially in custody cases so I really have been forced to look at both sides for s..."

"question what what does this person do that makes me feel loved because I I think it's very interesting in my own experience in life I was remember I had a difficult chapter with one of my sons my you..."

"where did we go wrong and the answer is quite a while ago with the granola yeah yeah so when you notice something like you notice that little something talk about it because that little something is p..."

"presented I mean one of the things I I'm very you know I'm very caught up on or or feel very strongly about is that we we have been encouraged culturally to criticize people we're in long-term relatio..."

"that's a superpower to have that effect on another person yeah one of the things I love seeing when you look at a couple and one is talking uh like in an interview yeah answering a question especially..."

"like it's such a great feeling seeing the good stuff like with uh with True Romance I mean you could uh make fun of the guys totally cringe wearing Elvis like be essentially being a fake Elvis with Sh..."

"thing's not gonna do it do you think that's a daily deliberate choice that that a couple like that makes because it feels like a very easy to do deliberate step like choose to see the brilliant in it ..."

"that it becomes it does itself right like it it really does like your I think it's it initially has to be a conscious practice and and by the way it's easier to make it a conscious practice before it ..."

"let me quote BoJack Horseman on this when you look at someone through Rose Colored Glasses all the red flags just look like Flags that's great there's a there's a certain sense where if you're from th..."

"end in death or divorce so why not like just go in like go in like go in and just get get weird you know like don't Define it the way that's I mean look at you know again we keep going back to True Ro..."

"it's us yeah and that's what I mean when I say that that thick is thieves like when they're when they're like a unit like that because it's look at it's just us it's just what we want it's what we lik..."

"when you say Well why'd you guys get divorced oh because he's secretly out of foot fetish and he was on these message boards like people about well it gives you an easy answer as to why the two of you..."

"I get to experience the whole Spectrum but if I like if I was into like furries for example yeah I don't know how I would initiate the conversation with my partner about that but but frame the questio..."

"out like it rarely does it's a question of how long can you hold it off yeah like I know gay men who stayed in the closet for 40 years 50 years of their lives and then they had a successful second cha..."

"so I don't think it's a matter of like total Candor at all times but I I think if you were using the furry example I'm not picking on furries I just think if if that is a proclivity that is anything o..."

"that when you don't when you push down parts of yourself like your sexuality like your insecurities your true feelings from your romantic partner the person who's supposed to be your you know your num..."

"yeah yeah so that kind of vulnerability is essential to intimacy you know I'm prone to Jujitsu metaphors and this is one of the first conversations where I can actually use them because the person I'm..."

"your mouth I I'm genuinely in awe of how easily people forget that they loved each other and and I'm amazed Because by the time I meet them and by the time they they hire me to be a weapon against the..."

"I I don't know why we don't apply that to relationships and I think part of it is because we have this binary view of relationships that it's either success which means you live happily ever after for..."

"I represent the cheater and I represent the cheated I represent the victim of domestic violence I represent the perpetrator of domestic violence I represent the person with the substance use disorder ..."

"complicated I don't think that even betrayal like I said it doesn't have to be that complicated I think we can frame it differently yeah you can laugh with the whole thing I mean I I think what we don..."

"there was a text message sent you know you piece of shit I hope you die my client sent that text message to his co-parent I I on my examination of my client I will say I'd like to have this marked for..."

"risks and we're vulnerable with each other there may be something about text that for whatever reasons inspires a kind of candor because I think it it is a new way to communicate right in the scheme o..."

"have to be able to look at that both directions yeah I mean I don't think anyone looks great on text I mean there's so much of our communication that that is missing your you know your your expression..."

"they never engaged in any kind because again no one engages in domestic violence with company over you know you don't like invite friends like people always say like oh no I saw them they seem so happ..."

"could care less about either of these people everybody's looking at it going why like what eight billion people in the world why did you stay together just break up you're miserable it's obvious it's ..."

"love the work so I saw you on uh talk with Steve Harvey a bunch of times and it was I always loved it uh one thing just sticks in my head from something he said as advice that if you and your partner ..."

"and and that connection is so big it's so everything you know one of my earliest psychedelic experiences probably when I was a teenager but a theme that's been persistent in every psychedelic experien..."

"like there will never be another Buster for me but there was cava and like you know what like and when he's gone there will never be another one of him but you know what like when when that stupid pup..."

"of course well the opposite of Love isn't hate the opposite of Love is indifference yeah there's no question about that I mean it hate is a passionate emotion love is a passionate emotion but and and ..."

"in because there is a huge number of people but to really like I mean you you have to like really um dive into the full complexity the full range of another human being yeah which is hard because we d..."

"in terms of complexity you know I mean emotionally complexes any custody case is emotionally complex because you're you're dealing with parenting issues and what makes a good parent I think is a very ..."

"perspectives on that and so as judge to judge you see like is there a lot of variation yeah there is because there's lots of kinds of Judges like there's judges that are thoughtful enlightened interes..."

"what's much more interesting because like you know I don't get invited to a lot of parties but when I get invited to parties if somebody says what do you do for a living and I say I'm a divorce lawyer..."

"think is a function of in many circumstances is the characteristics of the wife that he remembers fondly and that have been extinguished by the presence of children so I I my words of wisdom is not do..."

"children so what would you say now on the flip positive side we've been talking about the collapse of things what about success what's the secret to successful romantic relationship my mom used to say..."

"there's a the world pulls Us in that direction like we we get told culturally that well why aren't you going with this person to that why would you do that by yourself and and why why why like anyone ..."

"know this you know I I always thought it was you know like when you watch the old westerns you know or like the you know the heroes leaving you know and he's walking away from the cabin because he's g..."

"say like friendship I I think that's the kind of friendship you should ideally have with your romantic partner if you're getting married it should be the like whose car are we taking like it should be..."

"think it's the whole Arc of Pink Floyd The Wall it's literally the entire Arc of Pink Floyd The Wall you know and and the song stop you know where I want to go home take off this uniform and leave the..."

"lot of CEOs and just High performers in all walks of life what can you say about successful relationships with those kinds of folks that's a good question I think um is it all the same stuff or there'..."

"like your spouse may be the one who has decided you are no longer going to live in that house you will no longer see your children on these days so to take that control away from someone is very very ..."

"the next thing they say is give me a Range which is a bit like calling your doctor and saying I have a headache what is it well I can't tell you I'd have to do tests give me a Range okay it's a reacti..."

"yes 3 500 bucks just as a side note of I have a friend who went through a divorce and uh handled it just masterfully by giving more than he's supposed to and having nothing but love in his heart and h..."

"won't argue with you if the person approaches the argument from the point of view of like I'm not gonna argue with you like I'm gonna absorb your aggression I'm gonna I'm going to just not meet it wit..."

"Mother's Day for 27 years I have told my now long time ex-wife happy Mother's Day I'm so glad that we had kids together I'm so glad you're the mother of my kids because they wouldn't be who they are i..."

"client it can be one of those little three dollar boxes of chocolates they sell at the drugstore like it's a kid they don't know they don't know what anything is and people nope and I have to tell you..."

"that's a real apology Okay so someone's willing to give you that and you still want to walk around with like the level of vitriol that you will harm your child rather than do something nice for them I..."

"people alienate children from a parent in such subtle ways but they're so powerful and as a lawyer you know it doesn't matter what I know it matters what I can prove and and it's very hard to prove al..."

"your mom is with this person like and again whatever you feel about your ex your co-parent you usually you love your kid more than you hate your ex ideally also I wish people would even without an apo..."

"that's not fair you know but I think we're talking about the the incredibly wide range that a divorce can cost yeah so so the cheat and you were saying the cheapest one was the yellow yeah yellow pad ..."

"on a hair follicle test where it was said he was definitely not going to test positive and he tested positive so it was like we were scurrying now with okay we gotta get a motion filed we got to suspe..."

"thankfully in a culture where people are allowed to enter into contracts about money what uh like what are some prenups that you've seen that can be um effective or what that people converge towards i..."

"you know what's interesting about prenups is that that somehow people think there's something like it takes away from the romance of a marriage but but I've said it before and I'll say it again all ma..."

"mind you enter the game knowing the rules right so you know if this is going to be a submission only event you know if this is going to be no time limit you know if we're after a certain number of min..."

"um I don't know why you married this person having had them make you sign this but it's binding yeah but it's binding I wish somebody would do a contract like that like like the rent for this place wo..."

"is there there's also people put in prenups what's called Fidelity Clauses uh oh yeah yeah it was yeah Fidelity Clauses and people still do these I discourage people from doing them they're the two th..."

"actually does is creates a very uncomfortable thought experiment that people have to have at the six year mark because you have to now the honeymoon's kind of over you might have a kid or two and you ..."

"all the time okay so you mentioned infidelity you write in the book which everybody should get it's a great book it's a great read it's a window into your soul you uh in this book right that there's f..."

"was you know no it was just unfair you know um and and you know a man who leaves his wife for his mistress just leaves a new job opportunity open and we should also mention that you uh you know talk a..."

"um these social lives of people that you meet casually so there was a time where you would be at your son's soccer practice and see the attractive mom across the way and you wouldn't really talk to he..."

"between men and women to some degree that when a man finds out his wife was cheating the question is did you fuck him and when a woman finds out that a man cheated the question is do you love her you ..."

"um so that's one one type of infidelity um the other is what I call the push out of the closet which is is and that I think happened more often earlier in my career there have been tremendous strides ..."

"like yeah I get it I mean there's a betrayal there's a sadness whatever but yeah you know it's a different thing um the the saddest type of infidelity in my opinion is the mistake which is someone jus..."

"that this becomes an issue is why would you have a non-monogamous relationship what is it about your sex life with this person that's not satisfying and I think that that is the question that's harder..."

"shit and so I think that scene summarizes how in negotiation the more you enter into it with that like any time I deal with another lawyer and they're like well we'll see you in court okay see in cour..."

"find for myself when someone for example loses someone when someone loses a family member or pet I I often say the same thing to the person I'll either talk to them or send them a text or call them an..."

"reasons to not we've mentioned some of this but I'd love to get your opinion on having seen things gone wrong how much and having mentioned Amber Heard and Johnny Depp how much fighting do you think i..."

"disconnection is there some wisdom you have for that I imagine you've seen some epic fights yeah I you know it's very I've seen some crazy fights I I have even on my phone I I have uh some recordings ..."

"were we having at the beginning of the relationship that might be the wrong gauge because that's like we couldn't keep our hands off each other and we just it's novelty but you know like how far how m..."

"things I've always thought was very um funny in relationships my own relationships is most women I know who have a husband who doesn't wear a suit every day for a living um when their husband gets dre..."

"interesting thing about Family Law Attorneys Family Law Attorneys don't do jury trials we do bench trials we just persuade there's a person in the black rope that's the only person I have to convince ..."

"know do you think like if a person spanks a child if that's abuse she's like well I I'd like a person in general like and by the way if my adversary asked that question I could object but I can't obje..."

"what the Nuance is of the little intellectual thing oh you want to learn about this represent someone as accused of child sexual abuse I've had about a dozen of those cases where I've represented some..."

"think you have to I have to tell you I once actually went off on a on a D.A on a district attorney who was very vehemently Prosecuting a child sex abuse case that I was involved in and I remember I I ..."

"like that's like saying you know I'm going into a boxing match I want to win so if the referee's looking to the side I'm going to kick the guy in the nuts like okay then then you might have won but yo..."

"bullshit that sector I'm not saying they don't have a really hard job they have a really hard job they're a way harder job than I have what's their uh source of ground truth like how do they sharpen t..."

"because you didn't want to admit that you slept with an adult woman by the way it would have been good for your case would have been good for your case for you to say yeah I slept with her because I l..."

"I mean no one's ever happy to be spending time with a divorced lawyer like if you have a criminal lawyer they're defending you against the Maelstrom of Injustice and false allegations they're protecti..."

"that's interesting about divorce is in our increasingly performative Society you can't pretend you meant to get divorced you can't like everything everybody does like well I wrote that album for me it..."

"it's difficult to simultaneously prevent and prepare for war yeah the things you do to protect your clients sometimes look like acts of aggression but really they're just trying to shore up a defense ..."

"you want to minimize the number of bullets it's like the two it's like you know it's like the the two Swordsmen who see each other and they just stand there at the edge and they see the whole fight in..."

"I I don't think there's any good to come of it there are lawyers who try to try things in the court of public opinion um I think there is a to take it to the broader principle you just brought up I I ..."

"like I'm not you're referring to the father of your kids is it the asshole like we're like we're we're already I'm walking into something here that I don't know that I want to be involved in Matthew M..."

"like he's a genius because like it it he never came off as Petty spiteful bitter any of that he just came off as like just dignified strong smart self-assured and like it left you know it left like it..."

"that's true yes like like you lie to your children like people say this to me all the time clients they're like you know why did you tell your child that Dad had an affair well I'm not gonna lie to my..."

"okay sure sure yeah I mean I'm very like uh Tom Waits says that song lie to me uh you gotta lie to me baby I I you know honesty is a funny thing but Tom Waits also believes that God's away on business..."

"itself they would like to be lessened they don't want you to you know I remember early early days of tool that he like this he could not have been less interested in the spotlight yeah to the point wh..."

"yeah that does I would like to hear that interview she's the girl that got away yeah yeah I'm just standing outside of that girl's house yeah just playing in Your Eyes Peter Gabriel yeah yeah anyway u..."

"based on puffery it's not fraud when it's fraud it crosses the line so I I think there's a difference between honesty and candor right so so in relationships being honest is good being totally candid ..."

"I'm addressing your concern like this is what this is the distinction like don't don't material misrepresent the facts like don't steer people down roads that they're you know you know that that's not..."

"about managing marital finances is like anal sex which you're you're um Mastery of the metaphor touches one's heart and soul your Shakespeare of the 21st century really I don't know that Shakespeare w..."

"be wonderful romantic and sexual partners and have very different styles of of how you handle your finances and how you handle your finances is informed by you know not only your individual psychology..."

"well I woke it's three o'clock local time so I woke up at three local time nice yeah I wake up at four naturally then my body just wakes up oh it wakes up full on this speed wow like like my most prod..."

"my son is a lawyer my older son he's a district attorney and uh I'm very proud of him he gets to put bad guys in jail uh and he's very smart he's doing a great job he's just about a year ago and when ..."

"that's a hard part of this job but I think my discipline helps with that and then I like I said I I finish my day around 5 30 6 o'clock and I have something to eat and I try to wind down a little and ..."

"New Jersey's a hoyler Gracie black belt great teacher taught me amazing fundamentals took me all the way up to Purple belt and then right after I got my purple belt I moved to the city I moved to Manh..."

"you explain why why is this yeah I'm actually glad I have that it's funny that you bring it up and of all the you know we're talking about all these heavy topics and this is probably the one that I fi..."

"judgment right but I I it we don't stop I don't know a lot of people that that they played the hand they lost and they went well no more of that game for me like I'm not a good poker player I'm not pl..."

"but it's born like all these wonderful things were born of this awful situation so I think divorce the same thing like I I we make these mistakes right but they're not really you know I often have to ..."

"disconnect they're having with their partner so really lean into the like use this brink of divorce as a kind of catalyst for doing a lot of soul-searching a lot of growth together that was what appea..."