"if you say do you have any feedback for me you're wasting your breath the other person's GNA say oh no everything's fine the question that I like to ask is what could I do or stop doing that would mak..."

"teams by atlassian with jir product Discovery you can gather all your product ideas and insights in one place and prioritize confidently finally replacing those endless spreadsheets create and share c..."

"Discovery try it for free at atlassian dcom Lenny that's atlassian [Music] docomo for having me I'm excited for our conversation your book radical cander is the single most recommended book on this po..."

"read amazing and we'll link to a diagram of this 2 by two for people that aren't visual thinkers and like want to actually see it so just to make it super clear if you're challenging directly basicall..."

"it love stories okay so shortly after I joined Google this was now a very long time ago 2004 I had to give a presentation of the founders and the CEO about how the AdSense business was doing and I wal..."

"those words with me I never would have gone to visit the speech coach and I wouldn't have learned that she was not exaggerating and this was news to me because I had raised millions of dollars for two..."

" sandwiches so anyway I think that the important thing for these conversations these sort of two-minute impromptu moments of management is to go into the conversation being humble to me I call it cand..."

"you're going to say it in a terrible way or the other person is so upset that they can't hear you but usually that's not the case you also want to in the before times I used to say had these conversat..."

"if you can't do it in person you also want to praise in public and criticize in private and you don't want to give people either praise or criticism about their personality so if you want to remember ..."

"oh I see e is the name that you skip clever yes I don't know clever or ridiculous maybe I should just call it hippie corn right no I think either one's great so you share this example of the speaking ..."

"empathy kind of creates this false Harmony which is really bad so here is my ruin of sympathy story I had just hired this guy we'll call him Bob and I liked Bob a lot he was smart he was Charming he w..."

"Bob along the lines of oh Bob this is such a great start you're so awesome we all love working with you maybe you can make it just a little bit better so let's pause for a moment why did I say such a ..."

"unfair to everyone on the team and they were frustrated their deliverables were late because his deliverables were late they weren't able to do their best work because they were having to spend so muc..."

"it was painful for Bob much more painful for Bob actually and it was bad for the whole team and it was bad for our investors we weren't getting results as a because of my ruinous empathy and ruinous e..."

"going to lose your top performers and I think very often people are afraid to tell someone on their team when their work isn't good enough because they're afraid of losing them but that's that's not a..."

"them be more candid I think that one of the things that was helpful for me anyway so you can tell me if it's helpful for you it what was realizing that my job was not to be liked my job was to care ab..."

"probably what I would do and and I would love to hear what you would have said to Bob too because I I I certainly don't have all the answers but probably what I would have said is you know let's let's..."

"would have given him an opportunity to say yeah maybe maybe I need to do it again uh let's imagine though that he said oh no it's awesome it's ready H so then I so then I get it and I look at it I wou..."

"really the problem with Bob he he probably would not have started to cry I think my fear around his tears was probably more about my fear than was actually likely to happen but I think we do fear some..."

"to say to myself going into that conversation it's more important for me to demonstrate care that I care about Bob than it is for Bob to like me you know and if I demonstrate that I care about Bob the..."

"and H what you know who can I introduce you to what are the educational opportunities can we tweak your job so that you're gaining those skills so you're at least taking a step in the direction of you..."

"culture often isn't welcoming of direct feedback so uh there's a question so you probably saw this on Twitter asked people what should I ask you and a lot of people came in with a lot of questions and..."

"is a really diffic difficult thing to do I like the the the good thing about that 2 by two is it makes it look easy which is useful but it's not easy so anyway I think there are uh to answer Pete's qu..."

"to believe you want the answer it needs to sound authentic to you I was working with Christa quarls when she was CEO of open table and she said Kim I could never imagine those words coming out of my m..."

"setting the agenda and your employees time and and don't by the way save up when you have to give feedback don't save it up for your one1 and definitely don't save it up for a performance review you w..."

"along lines of like what's one thing I could be doing better or what's one way I could be helping you be more successful I that's a really good one what's one way I could help you be more successful o..."

"his 101s say to people there's one more thing and he explained to me that that was code at Intel for like this is the most important thing I was working at Apple at the time and I said oh did you get ..."

"defensive and that's okay it doesn't mean you're a lesser mortal or that you're shut down the feedback all it means is that you're human and that's all part of this so you you want to figure out like ..."

"it and you also want to by the way you want to ask ask for feedback after you fixed it did I overcorrect or did I undercorrect my my boss at Google the same boss from the um story also told me when sh..."

"fell in love with building products for a reason but sometimes the day-to-day reality is a little different than you imagined instead of dreaming up Big Ideas talking to customers and crafting a strat..."

"dcom Lenny that's atlassian dcom Lenny so to recap the steps roughly for how to get feedback from people it's uh ask your question like what's one thing I could have done this week to make you more su..."

"as failing to do this right as we saw from the Bob story uh so I think that the the important thing that I have found is that this is part of why it's so important to do it immediately it's important ..."

"day uh but if you don't if if it's not possible and often it was not possible for me in my career to sort of schedule my my time that way I just decided that these moments of management were more impo..."

"same idea so we've talked about a leader getting feedback what if you're the employee do you also recommend the same thing in the oneon-one have an agenda item and ask this question or is there a diff..."

"feedback or your spouse or anybody else in your life you want to be sure that you are prepared to gauge how it lands so you want to start in kind of a neutral place you don't want to go to the outer e..."

"directly and same thing if they're mad although if somebody's mad that maybe is even hard if somebody starts yelling at me uh it's tempting for me either to start yelling back and wind up in obnoxious..."

"way to operate yeah I think the most important thing with leaders like that that you can do is to explain to them the impact that they're having and and to also show them that there is another way tha..."

"realize this I think that the the best thing to do is to for me anyway is I start by sharing stories from my career and stories when I was a jerk like I've acted like a jerk too plenty of times unfort..."

"lighter they're like H now I know what's wrong and now I know what I can do about it yeah I've definitely noticed that about your stories they always are you making the mistake which I think is very d..."

"to work at Bridgewater and in a management capacity not in an investment capacity and so I called someone I knew who worked there and he said let me let me give you an anecdote he said the other day t..."

"Delio's book principles and there it's like a I don't know three or 400 page book and there were I think four or five pages about caring about people it's there's very low care personally I imagine ma..."

"I think in the context of their relationship it it was understood as care and I'll give you an example of that from my own career not that I am comparing myself to se JS uh I think I'm a much uh gentl..."

"raising a point which is that there's this false dichotomy in fact the the the new biography of Elon Musk falls into this category I like Walter isaacson's work a lot but he falls prey to this in his ..."

"yourself I mean I wonder what Melissa would say but my memory of conversations with her and and this is a this is an issue that that I talk about a lot because like I'm a people pleaser too I and I gr..."

"said or done things that were biased or or worse I I had bullied people before uh and by the way when you become a leader you're much more prone to bullying even if you don't think of yourself as a bu..."

"which you can pre-order right now and please do I was that was my next question talk more about this book what was it about where people find it radical respect comes out in May you can pre-order it n..."

"most for so there are chapters in that book about things leaders can do there are chapters in the book about things you can do if you're harmed by bias Prejudice or bullying there are chapters in the ..."

"everyone would write down their go-to question what are you what are the words that will come out of your mouth and practice it practice it in front of the mirror and then practice it with a friend an..."

"well with that we reached our very exciting lightning round are you ready I'm ready what are two or three books you've recommended most to other people you've already mentioned a few but yes I've ment..."

"that Orlando by Virginia wolf is another one of my another one of my favorites and Roberts and Davies uh the depford trilogy is an incredible set of novels to read I'm I'm cheating now and giving you ..."

"there's like it's still coming out yeah it's funny to see which characters continue and which die off and leave yeah exactly oh man okay funny and Shonda Rhymes I mean watch her Ted Talk amazing perso..."

"often people like talking about themselves so it's not too painful for them but you also learn all kinds of unexpected things and is there anything you're looking for in an answer that's like this is ..."

"you learn I I learn about very often I find that a good way to learn about people's skills and depth of knowledge is there favorite product you recently discovered that you really like yes I love my n..."

"by so I think about that stranger all the time such a good story final question I read online that you started a diamond cutting Factory in Moscow yes at some point in your life can you please explain..."

"knew nothing about management or business or anything I'd studied Russian literature I I knew a lot about dooi so I thought it was going to be easy though I was like well the rubble is collapsing I'm ..."