"I'm in a room listening to everything go on and just hoping she's alive that was the hardest night ever 140 cups three World Cups four European championships and 12 International goals Alex Scott alwa..."

"my dad had this dark side so my protection was to try and love my dad all I can and all those darkness and the demons will go did that work [Music] scared they could ruin my Dad's life [Music] before ..."

"and your story starts in East London as well take me right back to to East London when you grew up in some when was that 1980 Something 84 84 yeah take me back well instantly even when you say East Lo..."

"with everyone else in the neighborhood escapism a safe space why was that a safe space a safe space from a home environment the football cage was fun I could smile you felt free and then home it was l..."

"wanted to love my dad so much I was a daddy's little girl but he had this dark side and that's the side that we saw our lives growing up when was the first time you you recall seeing your father's dar..."

"environment that we're in that you're not allowed to do something because if you do step out of line you know what's going to happen and you don't want that to happen what's gonna happen when my mum w..."

"did that work no no he swear because I sit here with you and then say it is dark and straight away it's hard for me to talk about because I suppose I've hid it for all this time it's easy not to talk ..."

"today still today she's she's scared with my book coming out because I finally told that story she scared that her friends are gonna look at her in a certain way like I said she calls herself a coward..."

"with her friend that was the hardest night that one you know the thing about the book is we've never had the conversations so my mum is trying to survive for her kids and then I'm in a room listening ..."

"moment when you woke up the day after that birthday incident that party incident yeah and you should I didn't sleep I didn't wait so yeah and you saw your mum what did you say sadness what can she do ..."

"just get on with things last night happened you just get on with things when when you look back and you've talked about this in your book as well about how in many respects that served you becoming a ..."

"brother did she tell you what she said to him no I just remember getting the shout to come down the hallway me and my brother marching down and then waiting for an order or something and then him sayi..."

"pick a parent because regardless of the and you talk about this as well in your book is regardless of the the abuse you still love yeah both parents right yeah there's my dad like I say like I see tha..."

"to be strong for my mum I need to look after her hmm and then your dad's leaves he's gone no just leaves leaves with everything Furniture everything not that we even had a lot to take but it was still..."

"environment that gave me structure where I think for my mum and my brother it was it was a lot harder you know you're still processing my brother and I suppose this is where it hurts my mum because sh..."

"stuff is I know it's very different for men him feeling that he should have been that protector maybe you know when he looks at his baby sister I've managed to make a career or do something and he loo..."

"in your life but no matter what you'll just always be there for each other what do you think that is why do you think there is such a distance because you don't know how to communicate we don't know h..."

"with it are you it's still there it's still raw and it will show up it'll rear its head in very ugly ways at times if it's unaddressed because it's still controlling you it's just controlling you from..."

"were you ever jealous of other families no you won't never jealous no I was like I feel I'm lucky I've had everything for my mum I've had the love they care her doing everything she can you know so I'..."

"ever felt those kinds of things I know I have I spend I spent quite a few Christmases on my even in the last couple of years I think last year I was alone on Christmas people don't really know about t..."

"comparing to other families it's just that I feel helpless in trying to help my mum that hurts have you always seen that as your responsibility to cheer your mama to keep her happy because you talked ..."

"confront some of the things that bring the pain back as well though right so we see it so many times in our friends and and people that you know they've been through something you know it's holding th..."

"and then so for me I think I've got to a stage like why am I talking about this in a book or you know it's been hard for all this like I've hidden it how long up till now I've never spoken about my up..."

"when you write this book and you're you know your mum knows that you're going to be sharing this with the world what are those conversations like to as I guess at some point you might have had to read..."

"with my dad she didn't know what I was in the room doing that I didn't sleep once because I'm listening just to make sure that I can hear her move in the morning heaviness use the word heaviness you d..."

"learning how to communicate better and understand my emotions I just want to be free like I want to be like I want to move forward in my life not having any of it anymore like I'm at a stage in this p..."

"career yeah went into broadcasting it was a lot a lot of events had happened in my life I didn't even know until I wrote down in a book like a timeline and I'm like [ __ ] I wonder why I bloody ended ..."

"couple of months I've had so many people tag me on Instagram even on Telegram and in my Twitter DMs in a picture of them starting their heel journey and it's one of the most amazing things in my life ..."

"point but if you haven't tried he'll give it a try and if you do tag me Instagram wherever you try it give me a tag anyway back to the podcast one of the things we didn't talk much about yet is um whi..."

"um even earlier today before I was having a juice in and I asked if there was I can't even say the word cinnamon or something whatever the spices in it are there's certain things I I just can't say bu..."

"just want my first coach to see something in me I'll do everything for you just believe in me like I want to feel that from you relationships the same thing it's like I'm always seeking that from what..."

"everything will be fine I'll carry on like nothing ever happened which for my partner has always been the super hardest thing because they want to talk about it and get it out and all the feelings but..."

"relationships is conflict resolution because you know I see you I've said this before but I see relationships as like imagine two dots and a piece of paper and then the relationship begins and they be..."

"communicate better or what I do which will then help me in a relationship moving forward hopefully when you look back at your football career yeah big smile on your face um a really really amazing car..."

"today like I just I just loved what he was giving me in my life it's funny we often think of we ask motivated people we say how do you stay motivated and when you you look under the hood it tends to b..."

"been this person whereas people can offload all their emotions on me so I do that I'll take that home I try and solve a lot of problems on and off the pitch and I just I wasn't happy anymore in my las..."

"like I know there's another chapter and it was just being brave enough to then take it and how did you know that that would be in Media what did you not know I didn't know no I was I was always frustr..."

"degree so I went and did that whilst I was still playing for Arsenal and yeah decided that in 2018 I was ready it I felt ready I had a two-year contract on the table from Arsenal to sign that's the co..."

"like she can actually start doing some work and then from BBC yeah they started offering me more I was appearing on some of their Flagship Flagship shows Football Focus or kind of those ones and then ..."

"got everything going for me right couldn't understand it you understand it now I understand yeah that for so all my life I'd locked up all these feelings that I didn't know like how you said they even..."

"like should I just stop because ultimately I was talking about something that I love you know I was just someone that worked super hard didn't try and go and get a degree to get into this world to get..."

"so I'm fighting this battle constantly every day with myself did that make it harder to like really love showing up at work every day no do you know why because like the football cage the actual work ..."

"like I can't take it functional depressive like at work I'm totally fine put on the walls like I'm doing the work enjoying it loving it and then straight away then I can't take it hence why most proba..."

"it's almost like um I sat here with Maisie Williams and she she'd been through a lot when she was younger and her with her father Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones the the actor and um she talked a..."

"whatever um but it is it's like this is our work is our escapism it's we get to we're playing especially when you're presenting you are you know you ever yeah high pitched and you're like so um it's f..."

"just me but who's the person at home is the person that had dealt with all this trauma and done stuff but had like I hadn't that's what I'm saying it's like so on on TV there's this expectation for yo..."

"in a different way why I've done things the way that I have to understand the patterns to understand my patterns when I need help and that's okay to ask for help it's not weak it's not a weakness even..."

"trying to pay for everyone like I'm not actually I'm not made of money but it's just that feeling that I can I can treat you like it's good I guess if you spend your life like trying to help everybody..."

"stuff but it's going to make you even stronger but in a different way why would she need to hear those words about you're going to be all right because those aren't the words that most people would sa..."

"letting someone down so I don't think I've ever sat and taking it all in what what have I done they have great like I've managed to play for England and now what I sit on TV and have a conversation I ..."

"yeah if if your happiness was this list of ingredients and you looked at it and thought well maybe there's one ingredient missing for me to for the recipe to be perfectly balanced what would that ingr..."

"same like the football decision you know do I sign a two-year contract in my Arsenal career I've actually do I listen to how I'm feeling and it's taking me on a totally different path I wonder if ther..."

"here you know oh I'm scared of that yeah like a fear of like losing that contract but I also have a fear of standing still hmm like just being okay like being not just average like I always want to be..."

"because I I've worked so hard people can't they see just sometimes the end process of it or they don't see that or the whole process what's actually taking you to get to that which like I'm fine with ..."

"didn't was was completely irrelevant to obviously who you are so it's interesting that you were carrying that that in your mind but it didn't cross my mind I didn't even think we're going to talk abou..."

"going to chase him like once again it was just this that it's just all talk like I'm over it and then I was doing strictly in 2019 and I got to Blackpool strictly was like this bubble of happiness tha..."

"finally write back to him that's wrong and I think it must have touched him in a way because I'd never done that like if I was mad or felt angry about anything would never tell my dad because I always..."

"of it all so what are you thinking I was just thinking a few things I was thinking it's a it's a difficult conversation and I've got to be honest I there's a part of me that thinks you don't own that ..."

"I will do it you finished this book by um writing a letter to your mother yeah yeah that was hard in the audiobook I'm not gonna lie yeah spell that whole chat to crying why am why did you want to end..."

"struggle yeah dyslexic the speech was like they're all there all the problems in my life but I actually just sat down on my laptop laptop and wrote that book and like you just like you've got it there..."