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The aspects of ourselves that cause the most drama and most chaos in our life or the most hated aspects are actually the parts of us that are working so hard to protect us.
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>> For all of us who may not be familiar with it, what is internal family systems therapy? How does it work? And what's the goal?
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>> Internal family systems therapy, which is also known as IFS, is the therapy that changed my life.
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And it is a practice of befriending the activated parts of ourselves, the aspects of ourselves that often we might like the least.
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So the parts of ourselves that can be hypervigilant or addicted or extreme in any way or the belief systems and patterns that hold us back from what we really want.
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Often times we want to just shut those parts of ourselves down, right?
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Oh, I hate that part of myself or I don't want to be there again or how did I end up in that situation again?
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It's about befriending those parts of ourselves and healing and accessing this relationship to these parts rather than making them bad or or wrong, but starting to get into relationship with these aspects of ourselves because really Jay, they're just little children inside.
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You saying that and me hearing that just now has literally given me goosebumps because >> it's so profound because I feel like most of our self-help efforts or most of our self-work efforts as of now are all about never feeling that way again. >> Exactly.
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>> So it's like how do I never ever feel anxious ever again?
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How do I completely block out the inner critic?
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How do I never experience this ever again in my life? >> You're nailing it.
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Pretty much what happens is as young children, we have these experiences of trauma with a big T or trauma with a small T. We all have them.
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It doesn't matter how big or small. We've all had them.
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Maybe you were bullied on the playground or maybe you had extreme trauma like an abuse or a parent that was alcoholic.
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No matter what that moment in time was as a child or multiple moments in time, those experiences of feeling terror or unlovable or inadequate, not good enough.
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Those were such extreme feelings that we would do whatever it took to protect against them.
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Just like you said, I never want to feel that again.
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So, what we did was we started to build up protection mechanisms.
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And those protection mechanisms could be like controlling or they could be people pleasing or perfectionism or or uh in my case control was a big one or rage or or then addiction.
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And these protection mechanisms become these aspects of ourselves that really run the show.
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They're called protector parts.
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And so in IFS, the whole intention is to start to get to know these protector parts, soften to them, recognize them, and these protection mechanisms that we've been living with for as long as we can remember to recognize them as young little children inside who need the care of our inner self, of our higher self.
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And that's what in IFS is called self, which is why the book is called self-help.
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And uh I mean I can go on and on about the the inner workings of self-help which we'll do today.
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But really my my intention with this book Jay was to democratize and demystify and simplify this extraordinary therapy that my friend Dr.
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Richard Schwarz created and I uh I got I went on to be trained in the in the model and after doing the therapy for a decade for myself with my own therapist and then getting trained in it.
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It was very clear to me that I was going to do what I do which is translate and simplify and that's what this is.
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This is a self-help practice based on the principles of IFS.
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It's so counterintuitive to what I think we've been told for so long and so it takes a second.
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But you said something at the start of the interview >> a few moments ago about how it actually changed your life. >> Mhm.
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>> And what was it that took you and drew you to IFS?
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How did that come to be in your life?
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And where were you at in your life when this became something that was relevant for you?
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>> It was a real accident.
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I didn't know that it was there.
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I was uh with the same therapist for about seven seven or eight years.
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And midway through my therapy, I actually remembered in a dream trauma from my childhood, extreme trauma, big tea trauma.
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In that journey of undoing that trauma, she began practicing IFS with me.
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I didn't know that we were doing it.
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I just was doing the thing that she wanted me to do.
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And it was actually really hard for me to do at the time because she was wanting me to start to tap into these aspects of myself and start to get to know get into relationship with the addict or the the anxiety or the extreme patterns of rage or the controller which were all protection mechanisms that had been blocking me from remembering that trauma.
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And I remember it was about 2020.
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I was at home as we all were and I'm watching this YouTube video with this man, Dr. Richard Schwarz.
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I just stumbled upon it and I'm watching this video and I'm like, "This guy's talking about this therapy he created."
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And as I'm hearing him talk about it, I'm realizing that's the thing I've been doing for all these years with my therapist.
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And it was so exciting to me.
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And it was just around the time that I was starting my own podcast.
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So, I reached out to him and he was one of the third people I had on the show because it was just my mission to uncover as much as I could about this therapy that was really healing me.
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And then Dick really encouraged me to go on and get the training.
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And so I was one of the last people to be able to do the facilitator training that isn't a therapist, that isn't a licensed therapist.
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So it was definitely divinely timed.
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And I think when you get trained in something, and you know this, when you do the training and you undergo what it would mean to be a facilitator of that work, it starts to get into your system in a way that it benefits you even more.
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I think we borrow the benefits as teachers.
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we start to experience the work in a different way, become so integrated.
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And that accelerated my experience of IFS, which then made me realize, you know, I can't just expect that everyone's going to be able to get to this therapy because they won't be able to afford it or there's not enough therapists out there or they won't even know that it's there.
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So, I've got to make it easy and accessible for people to use.
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And particularly right now, people need resources and they need tools to access on on the fly.
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And we need we need an inner sense of safety inside.
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>> So where do people start?
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>> To start, you have to just first recognize that there are parts of yourself that are activated [laughter] to just you know if you've ever said something like uh there's a part of me that gets really angry and rageful when my wife does X or a part of me checks out when I'm around my parents or a part of me is really defensive at work when I'm around authority figures.
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Those parts of yourself are not who you are.
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They're parts of who you are and they're protection mechanisms.
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And so having this experience of being the witness without any judgment of these aspects of yourself that may actually be aspects of yourself that you've really judged and really hated for a long time, but being that non-judgmental witness of these parts of yourself and recognizing how long has that part been around every time you're going to say as long as I can remember.
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since I was a kid, since I was five, and then asking yourself, okay, well, what is that part really trying to do here?
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It's trying to protect you.
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And so that's the first step is to recognize that the aspects of ourselves that cause the most drama and most chaos in our life or the most oftenimes uh hated aspects are actually the parts of us that are working so hard to protect us.
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>> And you know, I've been sober now 20 years, 20 years right now.
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And I can look back at the cocaine addict part at 25 years old and just look at her with so much love and so much compassion and just say, "Thank you for working so hard to keep down these impermissible feelings that I was not ready to face."
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>> So, so it starts by spotting a pattern. >> Yeah.
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>> That you see repeated that you don't like about yourself, that you hate about yourself.
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maybe a belief, a pattern, a behavior that you find to be extreme in some way that's causing some issues in your life or often times the parts of ourselves and I'll just give a bunch of examples.
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So for me, we've got the controller, we've had the anxiety, the addict, there's uh there was a part that I named called Knives Out.
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It was really like if you mess with me the knives are coming out and she's a really unburdened part now. That part is doing okay.
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But for a long time it was like I could be the greatest person but if you messed with me it was just like this defensiveness was going to just come out in such an extreme way.
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Uh and even parts of ourselves that might be praised.
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For example for years I was just sort of a workaholic and people would be like wow Gabby you write a book a year and you're doing so much and you'd be praised for these aspects of yourself.
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But meanwhile it was destroying me.
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And you've known me through that time.
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You've seen me through those sort of destructive eras of my life where I was just pounding and grinding. I was running.
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I was protecting against deep feelings that I wasn't ready to face.
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And so these aspects might not necessarily be perceived as bad, but they're causing and creating chaos nonetheless.
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And the thing that that's really important for me about this work is that it's very spiritual work.
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And as you know, my all my work up to this point has been really grounded in spiritual beliefs and faith and my own faith and my own truth around my spiritual practice.
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But what's gorgeous about this is it's really marrying therapeutic processes with a spiritual experience. And I can get to that. That's what self is. >> Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about that.
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I mean, I was going to ask you that.
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You're saying a lot of these protection mechanisms, they ultimately bury the self.
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>> They are blocking self. >> Yeah. Yes.
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Because there's this beautiful quote uh by IFS practitioner and I'll just uh I'll I'll share it.
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It's that self is like the sun behind the clouds and when the clouds dissipate the sun begins to emerge naturally.
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So you've anyone watching has had exper anyone listening or watching has had experiences of self those moments when you're just in complete flow when you're playing pickle ball with Louiswis when you're cooking with Rody when you're in you're you're in self right now.
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You looked me in the eye before this this show started.
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You asked me one of the most beautiful questions.
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I almost started crying before we began. That's your self energy. It's calm. It's courageous. It's curious. It's connected. It's clear.
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Creative, I think I said, and confident.
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It's these C qualities, >> compassionate, >> and the it's almost oftenimes very childlike wonder.
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It's just just and and the reason actually I think that you're such an excellent interviewer is because you interview with a lot of self.
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The curiosity, the connection, clarity, you know, that's also what comes through.
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That's what people feel even healed in the presence of self.
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And so that self energy all of us have but we blocked it.
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We blocked it with all these protectors.
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>> But the good news is it never left us. >> Yeah.
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And that's what you're saying.
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We've all had these glimpses. >> Yes.
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>> Of our compassionate self, our creative self, our kind self.
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>> And you're so right that all of our triggers block that.
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Even I I was thinking about this just how trying to think of someone I spoke to the other day who you could tell there was this almost fight inside of them >> where their insecurity about something was unlocking their ego when in reality they wanted to follow their higher self and be compassionate. >> Yeah.
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>> And I think that's what we all go through. >> Yeah.
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>> I think the truth is Gabby that and we can both speak to this.
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We've done this work for so long now in helping so many millions of people across the world.
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People are exhausted right now and doing this work requires a lot of effort and energy and time and courage.
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How do people bring themselves to actually do this to unlock the self when it just feels like it's so far blocked and it's so far removed >> and we feel so far away from feeling that creative, compassionate, powerful self that that we all have and that we all are.
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Well, I think if someone's coming to this with that energy of I don't have time for this or this is too much or I'd ask that person, well, how how is it all working out for you this way?
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>> Because we we think it's hard.
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We think that that self-help practices are hard or spiritual practice is hard.
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But the truth is is that not having that foundation is much more difficult.
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and not having that foundation in this critical time.
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This is a very critical time.
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If we don't have a faith of our own understanding or a therapeutic or or spiritual or self-help practice of our own understanding or a tool of accessing some kind of inner connection to inner wisdom, inspiration, intuition, inner guidance, if we don't have that right now, we're going to be like a fish out of water.
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We're going to be flailing around.
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We're going to feel really unstable, really uncertain, really anxious, and really scared.
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And I think that's most people right now.
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Anyone watching or listening you to this interview is on the track of wanting more.
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So, they've already begun the first step.
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They would not be following you if they weren't interested in seeking their ability to self soothe, to self-correct, to feel a sense of safety inside.
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So, they're already 90% of the way there because they're listening.
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But the practice that I've created that I've outlined here is taking this big body of work that does often times feel like a lot to to go into therapy every single week to sit down to open up to some of those deepest most most vulnerable parts of ourselves.
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And so this is really a way to scratch the surface and to do it safely because I'm not going to those exiled parts.
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I'm not going to that little traumatized child.
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We're going to the day-to-day protection mechanism. >> Yeah.
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>> And it's a four-step practice.
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It's a simple four-step practice.
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>> So what do we do once we've identified this pattern?
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So whether it's anxiety, people pleasing, avoidance, control, what do you then do once you found this pattern that has been a protector but ultimately is a blocker from self? >> Yeah.
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So these patterns are the way that we check out.
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And so the practice in the book is called the four-step checkin process and it's checking in with the part.
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And so the po if you have enough space between that stimulus and the reaction.
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So, let's say you are at work and your boss triggers you and you're like, "Okay, I got to get out of this office right now and I got to go into the bathroom and I got to check in with myself because otherwise I'm going to do something I'm going to regret."
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So, you step away or you typically stepping away is very valuable or you maybe the next day you want to check in because it's still lingering.
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You you get out of the instant of the trigger and then you choose to check in instead of check out.
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So, it's focusing your attention inward is the first step.
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just just looking inside just just even closing your eyes and focusing your attention inside.
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The second step is curiosity.
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So that's where you start to just tease it out a little bit and you'll say, "Okay, where does that part of me live in my body? Where do I feel it?"
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And you'll notice it's in my jaw or it's in my stomach or in my chest or my shoulders or wherever it lives.
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You'll ask a few more questions.
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Are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations attached with this belief or pattern?
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And then you'll hear, you know, I'm not good enough or, you know, I can or maybe you'll have an image.
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You know, I I see myself and I'm 5 years old and the bully on the playground is yelling at me or whatever that story line was and or you know, my my my dad just left or whatever the experience.
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Maybe you'll see the image or you'll hear words.
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So, you just keep teasing it out just noticing thoughts, feelings, sensations, what's happening inside.
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And once you have a little bit of connection, remember that's self, you're going to connect deeper with compassion, which is the third step.
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And you're going to ask the part, not yourself.
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You're asking the part of you, the activated part of you, what do you need?
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And Jay, you'll be blown away.
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The part will say, I need to dance. I need to rest. I need to play.
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Because what do these parts need?
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They need to be kids again.
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They need to return to that natural role of being innocent or I need I need love.
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And then once you have that third step, the fourth step is very easy and it's really checking for self.
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So you're going to check in for those C qualities. Do I feel calm?
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Do I feel more compassionate? Do I feel connected? Do I have some clarity?
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Do I feel a little courageous?
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Do I have creative energy buzzing inside of me?
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Oftentimes, you'll very quickly feel calmer.
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You'll feel some courage.
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Uh and clarity is a big one that comes through quickly, too.
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And so those four steps, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
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And I've prescribed this.
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I've looked at my audiences and I've said, "Okay, listen.
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What about one minute a day, four steps is bothering you?"
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And everyone's like, "Nothing. I can do that." And so that's it.
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One minute a day, four steps.
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Because the thing is, once you do this one time, then you can realize, "Oh, wait.
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I can do this maybe in an hour from now, or I can do it before I'm going to bed when I'm having anxiety, or I can do it after that deep conversation with my partner that really activated me.
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I can keep coming back to this really simply without feeling like it's a burden.
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It doesn't h it can be as little or as much as you want.
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But I've always taught as a metaphysical teacher that the miracles that we experience in our life are the experiences when we change the way we experience something.
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Not that the things outside of us change but that our experience of our experience changes.
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And that's what this will offer.
18:11
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19:31
[snorts] What I really appreciate about it is that we're going back to being guided from within. >> Yes.
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And I feel that's somewhere where we've lost in society where it's constantly been what your parents thought, what your friends thought, what your family thinks, now what social media thinks.
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And we're so overexposed to everyone else's opinion.
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And it's so common for us to ask questions about what we should do with our life in the group chat. >> Mhm.
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>> You know, trying to get someone else's opinion to give us the answer.
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M >> and I think we've lost the ability to understand that all of the answers are right there within if we were simply to sit with ourselves.
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Your body will tell you, your heart will tell you, your mind will tell tell you.
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And this practice really allows you to do that again.
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So it's not like here's a fix it all situation.
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It will tell you something different every time.
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When someone does it for the first time, how can they do it in a way that they have an experience where they get a taste that it's real?
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Because I think when we hear these things and and you know what the truth is today, I've been thinking about this a lot and you're you're the right person to ask this because >> you've shared so many great pieces of advice over the years.
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>> I feel everyone knows what they have to do, >> but we don't actually do it properly and so [clears throat] we never have the qualitative experience that convinces us we should keep doing it.
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Whereas when you've had that qualitative experience, whether it's an amazing meditation, whether it's the four-step practice, once you've had that qualitative experience and you've felt the impact, you'll do it again and again and again.
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But the first time, how can someone really lock in the first time they do this?
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>> Self begets more self.
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So the first way to step in is to look at your life and ask yourself, is this what I want? Is this it?
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I think that those are really magic words. Is this it?
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Is is this all I've got here?
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You know, I want more than this.
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Even just saying, I I want to change. I want more.
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Everyone listening is in some way, shape or form wanting some aspect of change.
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And and that desire is there.
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And that desire wouldn't be planted in your heart if it wasn't ready to come forth.
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If it wasn't ready to be birthed.
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So I think that that's the responsibility that we have to give ourselves is to ask ourselves this is our that beautiful Mary Oliver quote of this is our one simple life.
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This I'm botching it but this is this one beautiful life that we have and am I going to take it to the max?
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Am I going to live to the highest and the best?
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And and and that's one question and that's one place to come to this or the other place is that there may be people listening that are hitting a massive bottom in their life.
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And for those folks, Jay, it's going to be a lot easier to pick up this book and start >> a lot easier because when we there's that beautiful roomie quote, the wound is the place where the light enters you. >> I love that one.
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when you are in that moment of hitting some kind of bottom or you're h having that that addiction come to an end or you're in the divorce or you're having a crisis at work or you've lost the job or you've gotten the diagnosis.
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Those are the moments when the light enters you.
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>> So the question you want to ask yourself is am I willing to do whatever it takes to get to great?
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Am I willing to do whatever it takes to feel great?
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And that's the that's the path I've been on.
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>> I've been on I want to I want to get to great.
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I've lived through a lot of a lot of different difficult experiences as all of us have and I've just been on a pursuit of feeling great.
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This is and I there's this interesting thing that I heard in a 12step meeting early in my recovery was if they want what you if you want what they have do what they do.
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>> So sometimes that's just enough to be listening and be like well Jay Jay and Rody did you know or you know if you want what they have do what they do.
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There's a reason that somebody is in and when I say what they have, I don't mean the external things. I mean the inner peace.
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If you want what they have, do what they do.
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[sighs and gasps] And the thing that happens that you said that was also quite interesting is that why this is a spiritual practice is because when you start to reflect inside and start to tend to these protection mechanisms, these burdened parts, they start to feel seen.
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M like >> what do child a what does a child need?
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Child needs to be seen, soothed, loved, cared, calm and compassionate energy.
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So it starts to feel like you have this internal parent inside and you realize as Dick Schwarz says that you are the one you've been waiting for.
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>> That all of the external validation or love or connection or support all that outside stuff that you've been seeking to find completion and safety is actually inside of you.
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>> And I know that's something we people always say in spiritual.
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You'll really experience that with this.
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>> What's what's the balance do you think Gabby of how much external validation and how much self validation we need?
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Like does external validation play any part in our ability to self validate or do you believe it's a full self- validation process and external validation is should be irrelevant at some point?
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>> I can really speak from my own experience.
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The more self I've accessed inside, the more self connection I have to that inner parent, that inner wisdom, the less external validation I need. >> I don't need it.
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>> And I'm a human, so it's not like I I don't honestly, Jay, I don't really think I need it.
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I don't feel like I'm grasping or looking or needing.
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And and I think the other irony is that the more self that you have access to, the more self you attract.
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So the more calm, connected, compassionate energy you bring into your life, so you do get that love and that connection because you are always receiving back what you are vibrating out. >> Yeah.
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>> And so the more you access self, the more you the more you become that point of attraction for more self in your life. >> Yeah.
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No, I love that answer because I've been talking to a lot of friends about that recently about this idea of if you have the power to self- validate and self soothe and self-regulate and and honor your hard work and intensity, then you won't crave it from others.
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And what I was explaining to someone was that anytime I've wanted someone to validate me externally, they can never fully satisfied my need for it because they haven't lived my life.
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And in the same way, I haven't lived theirs.
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>> So I can't validate them effectively either because >> I haven't been up with them on those sleepless nights.
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I haven't gone through the trauma that they've gone through.
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And so even if I'm to say, "Well done.
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you did great, that's amazing.
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It will still never fully satiate their desire for validation because as you just quoted uh Dick Schwarz, that you're the one you've been waiting for.
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It's only when I sit with myself and I cry at the thought of everything I've been through and honor myself for every way I've showed up for myself, whether it's my body, my mind, my heart, or my soul.
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That's the only time when I'll actually be satisfied. >> Yeah.
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>> And I've noticed that again and again.
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So I completely agree with you.
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The point isn't that I don't appreciate external validation. I do.
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The point isn't that I'm not inspired when I'm validated externally. I am.
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But the only type of validation that really really like affects me deep in my heart and my gut is when it's coming from me. >> That's right.
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>> Because I have all the details. I have the record books.
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I have the files and the the notes on every difficult moment I've been through just as you do for yourself.
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>> We are the ones we've been waiting for.
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It it I had I had the experience just yesterday, a really epic experience where I was my son is 6 and a half years old now.
27:42
And so we belong to this really sweet lake club in our community in the countryside and it's like 1950s and there's these docks and grills and it's kind of like the the dirtier your sweatpants are the better the cooler you are there and clay tennis courts and it's just really idilic and my kid's at the age now where he can just like run around and do his thing and I'm not and he's a great swimmer and I'm not stressed out about what's going on.
28:06
So I'm like go do you man and I'm sitting on the dock by myself.
28:10
My husband was out for a drive.
28:12
I'm sitting I just played some tennis. I'm sitting on the dock.
28:16
I've got this new book in my hand.
28:19
I'm in my, you know, my red bathing suit.
28:21
I've got my iced coffee next to me.
28:23
It's like like there's like it's dirty all over the dog, but I didn't care.
28:26
And I was just sitting there on this like cozy chair and I'm looking out at the water and I had this incredible energy just pour through me.
28:33
This energy that was just like [sighs] just spirit.
28:39
It was spirit coming coming through.
28:39
I mean, that's the way I would just define this.
28:42
And this just self energy, just so connected, so in the moment, so present.
28:49
There wasn't anything else that I was thinking about or trying to get to or trying to do.
28:52
And it was just this moment of, "Wo, this is what we've been training for." >> It just flood.
28:59
And that isn't a fleeting moment.
29:02
That's how we can live our lives.
29:04
We can live not all day, every day are we going to be in self.
29:07
We're going to get activated.
29:08
We're going to get triggered.
29:09
The best of us are going to get triggered, but it's the triggers become less less what once was years would be days or minutes or or or 5 seconds.
29:19
And we start to access more of that presence and that taste of that that energy, that self energy. You want more of it.
29:27
And also, I think that there's this thing I always call spiritual proof.
29:31
When you have an experience of something where you say, "Oh my god, I just did that four-step thing and I actually feel a little bit calmer."
29:38
And Gabby said, "All I need is to be a little bit calmer and then I've done the job. I've done this.
29:42
If I even feel the slightest molecule of self, I've done the work."
29:45
That experience of that molecule of self is something you crave. You want more of it.
29:53
>> It's like going to the gym. You want more of it. >> Yeah.
29:56
>> You have to keep practicing it. >> Yeah.
29:57
What's one of the ways people experience a protector or a trigger is self judgment >> and self-criticism or the inner critic?
30:07
How do you even reconcile the fact that self- judgment is a protector in some way?
30:12
>> Self judgment is a huge protector.
30:14
Actually wrote a book called judgment detox.
30:16
>> Yeah, I remember [laughter] >> I was a little bit ahead of myself there because it's very much what this work is about.
30:20
It's it's judgment is a way of the judging ourselves is definitely a protector because if there is something big too uncomfortable to access that's being activated feelings of being inadequate unlovable we are going to do anything we can to numb that pain.
30:42
So, one, we're going to judge others so we don't have to feel the pain inside.
30:46
Or two, we'll judge ourselves, start nitpicking and judging ourselves because it's easier to judge and attack ourselves than it is to feel the pain.
30:53
And what happens with this beautiful practice is that as you start to tend inward, you recognize that you don't have to reexperience the pain.
31:04
>> You can just be present with what the protector needs in that moment.
31:05
And in that moment, it can just soften.
31:08
And it's these momentby-moment unbburdenings of the pain of that of that that you've held on to for so long.
31:19
>> So what do we do with the self-critic through this four-step practice? >> Great question.
31:22
So So you'd notice yourself in that self-critic or that attack or judgment.
31:26
And you would have again you have to have enough space between the attack and the and the response to it.
31:33
And sometimes it might not happen till the next day when you have a little bit of a of a judgment hangover or whatever it is, but you notice it.
31:39
You say, "Okay, you know, I'm going to check in."
31:41
And so you'd check in with the judgment and you'd you'd focus your attention towards that judgment inside.
31:46
So instead of being in your head, you'd get into your in internally.
31:50
And I I like to close my eyes with this.
31:52
I can also suggest that people do this with journaling.
31:54
So at the top of the page, you could say, "I choose to check in with my judgment."
31:59
And then the compassionate, the curious connection, that curiosity coming inside.
32:04
You'd ask the judgment, you know, what are you trying to tell me?
32:08
What are you trying to reveal?
32:10
>> Because the judgment will then speak.
32:12
And this is really helpful.
32:12
You asked earlier, what's a great way to start?
32:16
Journaling is a great way to do this because if you're just journaling with it, you'll let your pen flow and that stream of consciousness will start to come forward onto the page and you'll be blown away what the part will start to say.
32:26
Just journal with the part.
32:26
So you ask you, "What do you need?"
32:27
And then you'll just journal, journal, journal.
32:30
And then it's going to, you know, carry on with the four questions.
32:31
So check in, curiosity, compassion, and what do what do you need?
32:36
And then start to journal more. How do I feel now? >> Yeah.
32:40
It's almost starting to treat ourselves.
32:41
You you said this earlier and it's resonating more as you explained the practice.
32:44
This idea of treating those parts of yourself as small children. >> Yes.
32:51
>> And it's like if a child was crying, the first thing you'd say is, "Hey, what's up?
32:56
Like how's what's going on?
32:56
like how are you feeling? Like what happened? Are you okay?
33:01
>> Whereas when we see the parts of ourselves crying inside or kicking up a fast, we're just like go away. >> Go away. >> Go away.
33:09
I don't want to talk to you.
33:11
>> This is an actual question I ask my audiences is, you know, if you're if a little child in your life was having a hard moment or saying, "I'm really scared or I'm really activated."
33:18
The first thing you would do is calm connection.
33:22
Your self- energy would rise to the occasion.
33:24
Calm, connected, curious. What? What do you need?
33:26
But the way that we speak to ourselves is insane. It's horrible.
33:30
We just are so mean to ourselves and so aggressive with ourselves and wanting to shut it down. That's exactly right.
33:39
>> Why do we find it easier to soo others but not soo ourselves?
33:45
>> Well, because we need we believe or unconsciously I don't think we know this, but we unconsciously believe that we need these protectors to stay alive.
33:56
So, I'll give an example.
33:56
Uh, I had very severe codependent addiction before I was a drug addict.
34:00
And in that codependent addiction, I literally had a belief that if I'm not in a relationship, I will die.
34:06
It wasn't I could I wouldn't say that out loud, but it felt like that. It felt like death.
34:12
>> You behaved like that.
34:12
You >> was literally like, "Oh my god, if I clinging and fawning, and if that that does relationship doesn't work, I got to find another one."
34:18
And I was actually talking with a woman yesterday who's um who identifies as a codependent and and has a very serious addiction to this one partner that she's been trying to to release and she keeps going back and she keeps going back and and she's like I just it's just such a drug and and I said well what does it feel like if you were to end it?
34:36
And she's like I literally feel like I would die.
34:37
And that's the thing with these protectors is that they that we we don't realize it, but they actually are protecting us >> from feelings that we think and believe inside.
34:49
Unprocessed trauma feelings that we believe will take us down.
34:54
We believe they will take us down.
34:58
And it's only when we start to self soo and access a little bit of that self inside that we can start to realize, no, no, no, no.
35:08
Actually, there's some safety here.
35:11
>> I feel like I can actually be a little bit more resilient than I thought or it's not that terrifying to go there.
35:16
I can go there and I can be okay on the other side.
35:21
But we have to have that spiritual proof in order to actually have even any desire to keep going. >> Yeah.
35:27
I think that's that's that part where I'm like the first time you do this for anyone who's listening and watching really give it your all because you can experience spiritual proof early. >> Mhm.
35:39
>> And as soon as you have that you're just set because you now know what you're working towards.
35:44
Not that you want the same feeling or the same emotion.
35:45
It'll be different but you know the process works.
35:49
And I think sometimes it's almost like everyone knows they need to work out and everyone knows they need to take supplements and vitamins, but when you don't do that properly and you don't do it consistently, you don't have the proof that it works.
36:00
>> Let's give them the proof right now.
36:02
Let's give them the experience right now because the one of the things I don't love about this sort of therapeutic book is that talking about it. >> Yeah.
36:10
It's like people are like like I you know and and also protectors get up like other protectors like literally like you're gonna have to bleed me but they're like this I don't want to go there. >> Yeah.
36:23
>> And so that's why it took me years in therapy and I wish I'd had this book because I think it would have been a more gentle access to it.
36:29
>> So I don't let's stop talking about it. I'll give it to them. Okay.
36:31
And you can do it for yourself.
36:33
I I think I think everyone listening, maybe you close your eyes while we do this if you want to >> and and for your own sake, Jay, just think of a protector that you might be aware of >> and and you don't have to say out loud what you're working with unless you want to later. Okay?
36:46
And everybody listening, check in right now with at this point, maybe you're aware of a part of yourself that is a little activated at times or maybe very activated at times.
36:59
the parts that are controlling or addicted or maybe the part that runs through the refrigerator or checks out with YouTube or the aspects of yourself that you want to check in with and choose one right now.
37:13
And once you're aware of that part, if you're not driving, you can gently close your eyes and focus your attention inward and choose to check in with the part.
37:27
And now noticing inside with a little curiosity, where does that part of you live in your body?
37:35
Where do you feel it inside?
37:40
And does it have a shape or a color?
37:44
Or is there any words or thoughts or memories attached to it? Give it a breath.
37:53
Take a deep breath in like Jay just did.
37:55
Breathe in with it and just be present with it and let it know that it's safe to to let you know more.
38:05
So any memories or feelings or sensations and don't judge anything that comes forward, just let it come through.
38:14
And now that you have a little bit of access and connection to this part, you can ask it one last time.
38:20
Is there anything else that you want me to know?
38:28
And now with that access to the part, I want you to check in a little bit more closely and offer it a little bit of compassionate connection, asking the part, "What do you need?" Just listen. Don't overthink it. Don't judge it. Just listen.
38:55
And now take a deep breath in and maybe place your hand on your heart and your other hand on your belly and just breathing in.
39:05
And just let that part know that you've listened, that you're here.
39:11
And take another deep breath in.
39:16
And now just check in and notice how you feel.
39:22
Do you feel even the slightest bit more calm?
39:30
Do you feel a little bit of compassion towards that part? Are you curious?
39:35
Would you like to know a little bit more at some point?
39:37
Are you willing to get to know more? Do you feel connected?
39:45
Do you have more clarity about it?
39:50
any creative energy buzzing through you. Feel a little buzziness.
39:57
Just notice those C qualities. Courage, confidence.
40:03
[sighs] Just take one last deep breath in. Just let it go.
40:15
And then whenever you're ready, you can open your eyes. See how you feel.
40:40
>> I watched you go there. It was beautiful.
40:42
>> It was uh it was great.
40:42
It was um what I really liked about it, the part that really helped me was being able to approach something headon, which we don't do. >> Yeah.
40:59
>> And then to actually sit with it with compassion in a good way.
41:03
So my normal reaction to it would be, "God, why do I do this? Why am I doing that? God, it's so annoying.
41:12
Oh, I know this came from something in my past or that's the kind of energy that it often has.
41:16
And to not have that energy for that protector was new because the energy that I have for the protector is most likely negative or condescending or some sort of kind of derogatory kind of feeling.
41:35
Whereas this was it was really pleasant to see in >> oh like you're not all that bad like you've been needed.
41:43
You've >> performed a purpose.
41:45
You've been useful and >> and it's not perfect but I'm I'm grateful like this. Yeah.
41:51
And that that was quite new.
41:53
I'd never done that before.
41:55
>> There's a lot of clarity there.
41:55
You see that that's a lot of self, Jay. >> Yeah. >> That clarity. >> Mhm.
42:00
So if you're walking for the listener who's walking out of this or experiencing this just for the first time and they have they're like, "Oh, I learned something new." That's that's self.
42:09
>> Did you feel a little bit more calm? Yeah. Self.
42:12
>> Uh you felt some compassion towards self.
42:14
So anyone that's listening even the slightest, like I said, the molecule of calmness or compassion or connection, you've done it perfectly. >> This is perfect.
42:24
>> And if you're like, I actually feel worse, that's fine, too, because you tried, >> right? You you did that.
42:28
You went through the journey. >> Mhm.
42:30
that it doesn't this is just the first baby step in >> the experience like I shared earlier is about getting into relationship with the part not pushing it away shutting it down blaming and shaming.
42:48
>> It's getting into relationship with.
42:48
And here's the cool part.
42:50
The more you do this, the more you can actually speak for your parts rather than as your parts. >> Yes. Wow. That's really powerful.
42:57
We'll say that again cuz that that's really good.
43:00
>> The more you practice this, the easier it is for you to speak for your parts rather than as your parts.
43:07
>> I mean, that's it, right?
43:08
>> I'll give you an example.
43:10
>> Yesterday, you I have a part that's that's she's doing okay. She's called Knives Out.
43:16
>> She's been really at bay.
43:16
And the person that she likes to bring the knives out to is my husband, Poor Zach.
43:20
So, she loves to bring those knives out and but but we've been so good.
43:25
you like my husband and I do IFS therapy for couples therapy.
43:28
So like we are >> we're in a great we're a rocket.
43:30
I mean it's amazing that marriages can get that much better over time.
43:36
>> The and we have the language around it.
43:38
>> And I said to him something happened where he said something that was really triggering to me.
43:42
It was like something that where like I did something with my kid that he didn't like and he was kind of shaming me but not on purpose but I felt shamed because when does Knives Out come out Jay?
43:51
When I feel shame, right?
43:54
Like I don't want to feel that shame.
43:54
So instead of feeling that shame, I'm going to literally bring the knives out.
43:57
Go and become completely overtaken.
43:59
You'll If anyone that read my book saw me, they'd be like terrified and cry and run in the corner and knives out comes out and she's like cursing and she's like, "Go f yourself," you know, and like outraged.
44:13
And later that night, Zach was just like, "I don't know what to do with that part of like like what the hell was that?
44:21
Why did you We've been so good.
44:23
Why did you have to act out like that?"
44:24
And I said, I was triggered in the moment and I was taken over by the part and I want to speak for the part.
44:33
There's that part again that when she feels shame, she goes into a she checks out become blended with the part.
44:39
You literally could take on like a different physical form.
44:42
Your face can change, your voice can change.
44:44
And I just said, I'm I'm really sorry for how I acted and I want to take ownership that that part gets really and I'm not, you know, saying, oh, it's just a part, so get over it.
44:55
I'm saying that's that part that I'm still working with.
44:57
I'm going to speak for the part.
45:00
>> The part got really activated. She felt shame.
45:02
She when she feels shame, she can't she goes crazy.
45:04
And so I'm gonna keep working with her and I'm sorry that she acted out. >> Yeah.
45:08
But I'm speaking for her that rather than as her.
45:11
As her would have been like still in that rage, I'm protecting no matter what. >> Yeah.
45:18
>> Fighting for the part.
45:19
>> And this is really cool in work environments.
45:21
So if you've got co-workers that you work with or a boss that pisses you off, you can start speaking for the part.
45:25
You can go to the boss and just say, "Hey, listen."
45:28
Depending on the environment, but you could in your own way say, "Hey, listen.
45:33
Uh, I just want to let you know that when I get really flustered when I don't know the answers.
45:37
So, I just wanted to let you know that that a part of me gets really activated when I don't know all the answers.
45:41
So, if you see me acting weird in those, I just wanted to let you know cuz I'm not trying to you, but I actually just get really flustered. Yeah.
45:48
And just imagine living like that or starting a relationship with somebody and you you have this language and you're like, "Listen, a part of me is like a very anxious attachment style and I just want you to know that like like I might act a little nuts at times because there's this part of me that gets activated.
46:02
If I was dating a guy in early in a relationship and he said that to me, I'd be like, "Bro, let's let's take this further." Yeah.
46:09
>> And and if they can't, then that's not your partner, right?
46:10
But speaking for these parts just makes you so much cooler. >> Yeah.
46:15
[laughter] >> It's like It's like the animation Inside Out.
46:19
>> It Well, Inside Out is based on IFS. >> Yeah. Right. Right. Right. It's based on sense.
46:22
That makes so much sense.
46:24
>> And it's that's why I love it for kids to teach cuz then I'll talk to my my kid about that film and I'll be like, "Oh, remember the anxious guy?"
46:29
And you know, >> they can speak for these parts of yourself. Yeah.
46:32
Talk to me about how you've been using IFS in those two ways.
46:37
So, you talked about with your husband, Zach, >> and with your son.
46:41
Let's talk about IFS in that context of being in a relationship >> and a romantic relationship and then having a relationship with your child.
46:51
Let's start with romantic relationship.
46:53
If someone's starting to do this work and they want to encourage their partner to be included in it, how how do you do that?
47:02
How do you go about that conversation in a way?
47:03
I feel like so many people today are like, I don't want to date someone who hasn't done therapy.
47:08
I don't want to date someone who hasn't healed.
47:10
>> How do you actually have that conversation in a healthy way?
47:13
>> I'm going to answer that with a story.
47:15
Okay, so because I get this question all the time.
47:18
the time. when I first started uh this yoga practice decade ago and I was so deeply into it and I was like doing the sadna and I was wearing the turban you remember and I was like in the whites and the and I was like every day all day going to the the teacher training I'd come home and I'd
47:35
be like Zach you have to do this like you know 5 hour breath work practice with your hands in the air with me and he was just like go f yourself like no I'm not doing that and I kept being like well why isn't he doing it and I went to my teacher and I said listen my husband isn't doing the practice with me he doesn't want to do it. And she looked at
47:48
And she looked at me and she said, "The second that you walk in the door when you get home," she said, "Take off the turban and shut up."
47:58
[laughter] And that was it.
47:58
That's my answer for everybody, you know, take off your metaphorical turban and shut up.
48:01
Because if your partner's not ready for it, they're not ready for it. You do the work.
48:06
>> You are the one you've been waiting for. You get to work.
48:08
You start tending to the parts of yourself inside.
48:11
And when you change, everybody else around you has the opportunity to rise up with you.
48:17
And that's in relationships.
48:17
If you start to rise and they don't rise with you, then that's your sign.
48:21
Okay, it's time to move on.
48:22
But when you rise, you give somebody the opportunity to elevate with you, alongside you.
48:26
But you got to do the work.
48:28
You can't Yeah, you could say, I'm, you know, attracting a partner that wants to do the work, but their work might be different than your work.
48:35
>> And so I I've been on my own path.
48:37
Zach's been on his own path.
48:37
We find intersection, but he's not sitting sitting in going to ashram or he's not going to go and deep do a 2-hour meditation, but he will do self-help with me. He'll check in with me. But this is a journey.
48:52
>> You got to do the work for yourself. >> Yeah.
48:53
What about when your parts, even when you learn to speak for your parts and not as your parts, what happens when your parts have push people too far away?
49:02
So, for example, with your knives, an al parts have acted out and you've realized too late that they've actually pushed people quite far away. Is that repable? >> The word is repair.
49:23
I think that that depends on the relationship.
49:26
We, as an addict, I know very well what it what it means to make an amends.
49:31
A lot of times we as addicts can have those are addicts are very extreme parts.
49:36
They're called firefighter parts that are that are literally at wits end.
49:40
I have to do whatever it takes to put out the fire and the flames of this impermissible feeling.
49:46
And so that's why addicts deserve a tremendous amount of compassion because oftenimes we're traumatized people who do not have the resources in that moment to actually heal and help ourselves.
49:54
So in the in the scenario of an addict, let's just say they may have pushed a lot of people away.
50:00
They might have they might have uh created a lot of wreckage.
50:02
And so it's first in the inner work of the self forgiveness.
50:07
There's a chapter in the book called self forgiveness in in in the inner work of getting in relationship with those parts and recognizing that that that was a part that was working really hard and forgiving yourself first.
50:21
Because you won't really be able to even be in an energy that could be resonant with someone to receive their forgiveness if you don't forgive yourself first.
50:31
Because then you're needing them to make it right for you.
50:33
You have to make it right for you.
50:38
>> And when you do that, that's when your amends will really land.
50:40
So I can look at Zach now and say, I know >> that this part needs me, and I'm working really hard with her, and so I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to, you know, ask for your forgiveness as well.
50:57
M >> and so I think that's the answer Jay is that if you've pushed if your parts have have created a lot of wreckage in your life then you have to really no one has to my suggestion is to go deep into your own inner healing and forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness of the parts and acceptance of the parts
51:15
and then you'll be shown self will guide you'll be self- led self is spirit so self is is God self is the energy of love inside of you it will show you okay when you feel that you have access to that self forgiveness forgiveness inside, you're going to know that it's time to go and make amends. And maybe
51:28
And maybe you get the forgiveness or maybe you don't, >> but you don't need it, but you're there to ask to to really to to make amends.
51:40
[gasps] >> I I think that all relationships, if there are two parties that are interested if in in in this, this is an extraordinary practice for a couple. >> Extraordinary.
51:48
It's an extraordinary practice for a parent. Um, Dr. Dr.
51:50
practice for a parent. Um, Dr. Dr. Becky Kenny's a good friend and she's also very good friends with Dick Schwarz and she practices a lot of IFS in the work as well and and and it comes through in her work a lot because think about it it's curiosity you have a DFK deeply
52:03
feeling kid like I do and they the child needs your self- energy and the case of my child so to answer the second question how do we do this with our kids some kids might like the four steps some kids might like you know they're really activated and you're like okay let's check in you know let Let me check in. And you actually could go through the
52:22
And you actually could go through the steps with them.
52:23
Let's check in with that part at where do you feel at in your body, baby? And just checking in. Okay.
52:27
Oh, and then what do you need?
52:27
And how do you feel now that mommy's giving you a little bit of breath?
52:30
And remembering that our children are always co-regulating with they're they're regulating with our energy.
52:36
So, we're not co-regulating, they're regulating with us.
52:39
And so, our self-energy, the more we do this, the better a parent we will be >> because what does a child need?
52:45
A self-led leader in the home.
52:47
The child doesn't need a lot of child parts parenting them.
52:51
They need the adult resourced undamaged self as often as possible as the parent because that's what's safe.
53:00
And so that self begets more self.
53:03
In the case of my child, if I start trying to go through the four steps with him, he's like, "Are you kidding me?
53:08
He is so allergic to to, you know, this kind of conversation or like how you feeling." He's like, "Nah, mommy."
53:15
So I have to do a little backwards ways, you know?
53:16
I'll just be very casual.
53:18
Be like, "Yo, bro, how you feeling?" Like, "What's going on?
53:20
Like, what happened today?"
53:21
You know, just really cash. Really cas.
53:25
>> So, you have to know your kid. >> Yeah.
53:27
>> The kid is like, "Don't try that on me, mommy." [laughter] >> Yeah.
53:32
And that and that's that's the beauty of it though is that it gives you a language to speak to the other people in your life as well. >> Yes.
53:40
So, if you have friends or other parties involved, it gives you a collective language.
53:45
So, it's really funny whenever I'm around my my my friends in the IFS community.
53:48
I did a call yesterday with Dick Schwarz and his wife and we were talking about AI stuff and I was giving them some guidance and they were getting activated by it because it's new and it's like what do you mean I need like a clone like what are you talking about? Right?
54:01
And um and and I looked at them and I was like, "So guys, you know, I know I have a really aggressive part that likes to get really excited about things.
54:07
So, just warning you as we enter this."
54:09
And so, we all speak for our parts in these relationships.
54:11
And it really is quite funny when you're around as IFS people because we're all just like my part feels this. But it's beautiful.
54:16
I mean, imagine the whole world just walking around being like, "Hey, I just want to speak for a part of myself before I act like an asshole." >> Yeah. Yeah. >> It's incredible.
54:24
It's a totally different way to live.
54:26
It's It's >> Do people use it as an excuse though, like a disclaimer? >> Definitely. Definitely.
54:31
You You don't want to start being like in that sort of wounded place of like >> kind of like that.
54:36
Not offense, but >> And that happens in all practices, right?
54:39
you're going to be like, well, I just needed my my 4-hour meditation or I didn't do enough mantras this morning or whatever, you know.
54:44
But in this instance, I think that we this is about taking ownership of our parts, but not in a way where we're judging them, but where we're befriending them and speaking for them and taking care of them.
54:56
>> Is there is there ever a time we've talked a lot about self soothing, self-regulating, self-help overall.
55:01
Is there ever a time where being hard on yourself is actually useful and effective?
55:10
>> You asked the best questions. You're so good at this.
55:12
Uh, you know, I think that there's so this is actually a beautiful question.
55:18
There are there are protectors that also have really valuable they all have valuable roles, right?
55:24
So, let's think about it from the standpoint of my my workaholic really created a lot of drama and chaos in my life and gastro issues and just constant hypervigilance, but she also wrote 10 books in 14 years, right?
55:36
And she's helped served a lot of souls.
55:38
So, we didn't want to shut her down or blame her, shame her.
55:43
She was doing the best she could and she also did a lot of good along the way.
55:46
And we can we can be in difficult times and still be doing great things in the world.
55:51
So, I think that that that a part that is that is sort of beating us up or or not even beating us up, maybe like an encouraging part that's like, you know, push harder, go more.
56:04
It's it's it's a self-like part.
56:07
It's not it's not self, but it has more self aspects than protector aspects.
56:09
And the real question isn't is that bad or good.
56:15
It's really is is it extreme?
56:15
M >> because if it's extreme, that's when you really need to start to tend to it.
56:21
Because remember, we could be very praised for our perfectionism or very praised for our work ethic or very praised for how hard we hit the gym or how much we practice that tennis and we could be really praised for that and it looks like a great quality and in many ways it is, but when it's extreme, it's oftenimes a very extreme protector. >> Yeah.
56:45
And that's the that's and that's why you've got to approach it in the same way.
56:48
You can't judge that part of you that is hard on you. >> No.
56:51
Check on check in with it. Yeah.
56:51
And the thing that's happened here's the miracle.
56:56
>> When you start to check in with these parts and you start to befriend them and you start to self soo and you start to create this relationship inside, >> it's not that the parts have to go away, Jay.
57:06
It's that the parts now become the best versions of themselves.
57:11
M >> they come they've returned to their natural roles.
57:14
So my workaholic part look I've got you today and then I'm going off to the next thing.
57:20
I got three more podcasts tomorrow.
57:21
I'm still showing up but I'm doing it in a less extreme way.
57:25
You know this you've known me for almost a decade. My energy is different.
57:31
I'm not doing I mean I'm not doing less.
57:33
I'm just more intentional >> and I'm more aligned and I'm more resource and I'm having more fun and I'm more childlike.
57:39
I can't tell you how many friends like you and Louis and like brothers of mine have been like, "Gabby, you're like so so youthful and childlike."
57:46
You guys said that to me when we had dinner and that's just the unbburdening because it's going to make me cry.
57:52
It's like you return to this childlike presence inside that was was always there. >> Yeah.
57:57
>> It just got taken from you. >> Yeah.
57:59
I mean, you when we were at Louiswis's wedding, I I didn't actually tell you this.
58:02
I told you at dinner, which I think we had like a year ago, but when we were at Louiswis's wedding earlier this year, I was just I was thinking about it a lot and I was like, "Wow, Gabby's just so at peace."
58:09
Like, you just have this ease about you these days that not that you weren't and you were like when I first met you, you were like you were buzzy and you were like kind of like, you know, you had all this good energy. You always have.
58:19
I've never felt anything different, but I could feel that like ease and grace and peace from you. >> Yeah.
58:26
And that's a really beautiful thing when you experience it in someone because I think we're used to being around high performing people who have big goals and targets and things like that.
58:36
And that's not a fun energy to be around.
58:38
It's kind of it's it's not like it's not attractive that energy.
58:40
It's and we're all ambitious and stuff so there's nothing wrong with that.
58:43
But if that's someone's overarching energy, >> it it's not the same as when you're around someone who's kind of just at ease and peace even though they are driven and ambitious.
58:52
Talk to me about that kind of paradox because I think we think that if someone's at peace, they're slow. >> Yeah.
58:59
>> And if someone's ambitious, they're fast.
59:03
>> Talk to me about slow, fast. >> Yeah. >> Peaceful, ambitious. >> Yeah. Yeah.
59:07
Well, often times high performing entrepreneurs do have a lot of shadow parts. >> 100%.
59:14
>> But often times that is the the reason for so much of their successes.
59:16
And it's when those folks begin to alchemize and start to recognize and do the work, however that work shows up in their life, that their real successes, not not external, but that that they're that they're actually able to achieve what they're truly capable of.
59:35
And so achievement is not a sign of self- energy at all.
59:39
Achievement is oftenimes a sign of a lot of protectors working their ass off to get something going to to protect you. Yeah.
59:47
>> What happens when we are in that self energy, when we're in self, is that it's not that we if we are a high performer just by nature.
59:56
Certain people just have different energies, right?
59:58
We're born with different frequencies.
59:59
If that's in your nature and that's a part of you, it's not that that goes away.
1:00:03
It's just that you can do it in a more sustainable way.
1:00:08
>> You have more boundaries.
1:00:08
You have more ability to say yes, say no. You are clearer.
1:00:13
So, you're making better decisions.
1:00:15
you're clearer, so you're not surrounding yourself with the wrong folks.
1:00:19
You're so you're you can actually move even faster and create even more because you're not burdened.
1:00:27
>> So, it's it's not fast or slow.
1:00:30
>> It's what is the energy that's moving through you. >> Yeah.
1:00:34
>> When you have self energy, you can move real fast, >> but it's so intentional that it has so much more power and you actually can do a lot less and attract a lot more. >> Yeah. Yeah.
1:00:43
Let's one thing you mentioned there that really resonated with me.
1:00:47
Let's talk about boundaries. >> Yeah.
1:00:49
>> Because I mean I feel like boundaries is at the heart of every human issue today >> in the sense of when we think about interpersonal dynamics whether people having issues with their friends, their family members.
1:01:00
It's all boundaries based.
1:01:02
And many of us are willing to break our boundaries because we care more about people pleasing.
1:01:08
We care more about, you know, living up to everyone's expectations.
1:01:13
is we care more about everything else. >> Yeah.
1:01:16
>> And we think we have a boundary.
1:01:16
We say we have a boundary, but we don't really keep up to it.
1:01:21
>> So, I'll give an example.
1:01:21
I was talking to a friend the other day, and >> she said she wanted to she only wanted to hang out if all of the friends were invited.
1:01:33
And another one of her friends said, "No, I only want to hang out with you."
1:01:37
M >> and she was like, "Well, if we hang out, then everyone's going to find out we hang out, and then they're going to be upset that we hung out, so I think we should invite everyone."
1:01:45
And the other friend said, "No, I just want to hang out with you and a couple of other friends, but I don't want to invite everyone."
1:01:50
So, you had these two boundaries that were almost at odds with each other.
1:01:55
One boundary was we should always invite everyone because it makes everyone feel included, which it almost was people pleasing, not even a boundary.
1:02:01
And the other boundary was no, I think it should just be a small group of us.
1:02:04
and the person who wanted to invite everyone ultimately gave in and said, "No, okay, fine.
1:02:09
We'll just have a small group of us."
1:02:10
Now, this is a very small example, but to me, it's at the heart of all the problems that we have.
1:02:16
It's like >> people being upset that people didn't invite them to their wedding.
1:02:19
People being upset that they invited them but didn't give them an important role.
1:02:24
People being upset that >> uh their family didn't prioritize their birthday.
1:02:29
People being upset that they're always the ones organizing vacations and no one else does.
1:02:32
Like these are the real challenges in life that we're all going through every day.
1:02:39
[clears throat] >> What do we do?
1:02:39
How do we set boundaries that we actually stick to >> and that we're okay with letting people down?
1:02:46
It seems >> it sounds like in the case of your friends, the one that was wanting to invite everybody in a big people pleaser part.
1:02:52
And it might sound like the other one probably had a pretty clear bound like good boundaries. Um good or bad.
1:02:55
I mean, listen, boundaries are only good if they're le led by self. >> Mh.
1:03:00
Because you could also be really like I've got all these boundaries, but that's a protector too, right?
1:03:03
So whether it's boundaries, whether it's it's control, whether it's anxiety, whatever the protector is, if those parts of you are happening in extreme ways that are misaligned with that calm, clear, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous energy, then it's a protector.
1:03:27
M >> then it's a protector.
1:03:29
It's it's across the board.
1:03:31
When it comes to boundaries, I find that the more we do whatever type of personal development or spiritual practice that we have and the more we start to access self inside, the more precious we realize our energy is, the more connected we feel inside.
1:03:46
So we begin to know I can't do that anymore.
1:03:54
The more access to self that I have acquired, the easier it has been for me to be very boundaried with the people who work for me and literally speak things that in the wrong tone could be very upsetting but with the self energy are fine.
1:04:08
So saying, "Nope, I won't do that anymore. That's not my thing."
1:04:10
Or look at somebody in the eye and say, "Actually, that's your job. I want you to do that.
1:04:17
That's no longer my job."
1:04:17
I had a part for many years, Jay, that was if I don't if they don't do it, if I don't do it, nobody else will.
1:04:24
That was the that was a really big part.
1:04:26
If I don't do it, nobody else will.
1:04:27
And that was lingering for up until maybe a year ago or less.
1:04:30
It's really recent that it's been kind of out of my life.
1:04:32
And not completely, but pretty much >> how you worked on that one, cuz that's a great one.
1:04:38
>> I just [clears throat] kept working with that part.
1:04:40
That part was probably one of the parts I worked with most in my life.
1:04:45
And it was really creating a lot of chaos because one, it made me just be the one that would take the burden of all of it and do all the work.
1:04:50
Two, it wouldn't let people rise up.
1:04:52
And three, it would put me in a position where I wasn't ever asking for what I wanted.
1:04:56
And I did not have the clear boundaries around where I started and I ended. >> And so it burned out.
1:05:00
And so I kept working with it and working with it and checking in with it and noticing it and witnessing it and bringing it to my IFS therapy and bringing it to my meditation practice and checking in with it.
1:05:09
I checked in with it every single day for at least a year through my journaling.
1:05:12
I literally wrote with it every single day for a year and during co I was working with it like crazy.
1:05:18
So it's been [clears throat] maybe a decade of working two decades of working with that part but really heavily in the last year and man I have come out the other side.
1:05:30
I'm literally looking at people and I'm in a different nervous system.
1:05:32
I'll look at somebody I'll say oh no no that's your job. That's your job. That's not my job.
1:05:38
or and I don't I actually don't come across I was probably much more of an before >> because I was doing it and then mad that I was doing it and then taking it out on them energetically, right?
1:05:49
So now I'm just like, "Oh, no, no, no.
1:05:51
You know that that's that's your thing or I'm going to ask that you do this thing.
1:05:56
This is my clear clarity and boundaries."
1:05:58
As a leader, as an entrepreneur, as someone who wants to be a leader in your home, with your child, in your classroom, in your business, whatever it is that you do, this is the most important book you could read as a leader.
1:06:09
And I wish I actually, you know, it's easy for me to say that because it's based on Dick Schwarz's work, right?
1:06:12
So it's it's this or any IFS practice work is the most important thing you could do as a leader because Dick talks about self-led leaders.
1:06:22
>> We need to be showing up particularly right now what's happened is everyone out there out there, it's all just a lot of damaged parts >> all over the place.
1:06:34
This country is insanely divisive all throughout the world.
1:06:39
>> And that's just parts parts chaos. >> Chaos. >> Yeah.
1:06:43
We're leading through a knives out part, a >> exactly >> addicted part, an anxious part, whatever it may be.
1:06:51
>> Think about the activists that are like fighting, fighting, fighting.
1:06:53
Look, that work is incredible. It's life-changing. It's necessary.
1:06:57
But if we're in that constant place of fighting, that's another protector.
1:07:02
M >> so how can you lead and activate from a place of self?
1:07:07
How can you come from that?
1:07:09
It doesn't mean you don't get angry.
1:07:10
It doesn't mean that you don't have rage. You use it. >> Mhm.
1:07:15
>> You infuse the self energy into it.
1:07:15
And it's it's it's really important right now. >> Yeah. It's incredible.
1:07:20
Gabby, I can't wait for people to read this book.
1:07:25
Everyone, the book is called Self-Help.
1:07:27
This is your chance to change your life.
1:07:29
Go and grab your copy if you haven't already.
1:07:30
I love that this book actually has a practice within it.
1:07:32
It's built around the practice, built around the therapy.
1:07:36
So, it's not a book that you're going to read.
1:07:38
It's a book that you're going to live and it's a book that you're going to practice.
1:07:40
And so, I highly recommend if you appreciate our conversation today that you go grab a copy.
1:07:45
Gabby, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five >> and these questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. >> Oh, no. Okay.
1:07:54
>> So, I'm going to ask you these final five.
1:07:55
Gabby Bernstein, these are your final five. Question number one.
1:07:56
What is the best advice you've ever heard or received?
1:08:02
>> Befriend the parts of yourself inside. >> Yeah.
1:08:04
I I love I actually love that advice.
1:08:06
It's It's so because as humans, we're so good at using something for for when it's useful. >> Yeah.
1:08:13
>> And then as soon as it's not useful, we condemn it. >> Yeah.
1:08:16
>> So it's like, oh yeah, I hate this job now.
1:08:18
And it's like, well, no, this job paid for the last 3 years of your family, your life, everything.
1:08:22
Even if you didn't love it, >> don't hate on it.
1:08:25
But we we kind of use it and we hate it.
1:08:27
And it's like, oh, I love this partner and now that things didn't work out, I hate them.
1:08:30
And it's like, well, no, no, no.
1:08:32
Like, you learned so much.
1:08:33
And >> we don't only do that with jobs and people.
1:08:36
We do that with ourselves where, hey, there was this part of me that I hate now.
1:08:41
And it's like, no, that part of you helped you survive college and kept you alive.
1:08:44
And >> I want to speak to that before we end because I when I wrote I wrote this book, um, the year that I wrote this book, I was a fellow at a recovery center. Yeah.
1:08:53
And every month I would go and teach and there was about a hundred new folks entering the treatment center the each time I'd show up.
1:09:01
So they'd maybe be 1 2 3 4 days sober and I'd walk in the room and I was teaching this.
1:09:06
I was practicing what I was writing about.
1:09:10
And so I'd look at this group of people who are all literally at wit.
1:09:12
I mean who knows what kind of destruction they just two days into recovery.
1:09:15
And I'd say to this group, well listen, let me ask you how many people in this room have experienced trauma?
1:09:20
They'd all raise their hand. >> Wow.
1:09:23
And then I'd say, "And wouldn't it make sense that you would do whatever it took to put out the flames of that impermissible fear and experience?"
1:09:34
>> And a lot of them would be like, >> "Okay, yeah, yeah, I get that."
1:09:36
And then I'd say, "Well, wouldn't it make sense that the addict had a purpose that that it's been working really hard to keep you safe?" >> Yeah.
1:09:45
And and and and I want to really really let people hear that that the parts of yourself that you're the most ashamed of that have caused the most chaos in your life, they've been working really hard to keep you safe. >> Yeah. It's it's so so real.
1:09:58
And if we were able to get that way, you'd be so much more positive and and healthy about what's possible in your life >> and able to move forward because you could forgive yourself. >> Yes. Yes.
1:10:11
and able to move forward because you'd take all of that experience and learning and that energy onto the next >> and you'd be willing to let go as well. >> Yeah.
1:10:21
>> Like you could easily let go of that part knowing that it served its purpose.
1:10:25
Whereas sometimes we probably stay too long in parts that are no longer serving us >> our whole lives. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> Yeah.
1:10:32
Uh second question, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?
1:10:37
>> [gasps] >> Stop doing YouTube and start blogging.
1:10:41
[laughter] >> Did someone say that to you?
1:10:44
>> Yeah, like 10 years ago was the biggest mistake of my life.
1:10:45
I'm rebuilding my YouTube now. >> Oh, wow. Interesting.
1:10:50
>> Like, sorry, that was like career advice, but it was the worst advice of my life.
1:10:53
I was like, where's where's J Shetty when I needed him?
1:10:54
It sounds like the stupidest thing to answer, but it really might have been that wasn't the was that the worst advice of my life.
1:11:00
>> No, it's >> I mean, yeah, I think I in this moment it's the thing that's top of mind. >> Yeah. Yeah.
1:11:05
It's it's uh I I mean I I think there's >> Should we expect something more profound than that? >> No, no, no.
1:11:11
I love we we that's the whole point of the podcast is to be fully authentic. So, no. I No.
1:11:15
I'm I'm reacting because >> I think what's really interesting is that there's a lot of people who say they're experts, but really the only people you can trust as experts are the people that are actually doing it.
1:11:28
>> And I feel like there's a lot of bad advice.
1:11:29
I I see all the time like there'll be someone on Instagram saying, "This is what to do on Instagram."
1:11:33
and someone will show it to me, my friend or something, J.
1:11:37
And I'm like, >> check how many followers that person has.
1:11:41
Check what their engagement is.
1:11:43
>> Like, check how many comments they get. >> Don't trust them.
1:11:45
Like, it's just someone saying something >> and it sounds really convincing and it sounds really well put, but >> they don't have the they don't have the engagement or anything to follow it. >> Yeah. Exactly.
1:11:55
And the thing I think that that that was a bad choice for me because and it was bad advice that I took because for me, I'm I'm an ortor. I'm a rock and tour.
1:12:04
I I needed to be storytelling in in on on I guess YouTube really being the greatest as I'm looking at your YouTube plaque right there. >> Uh so so here I am.
1:12:14
I'm rebuilding my YouTube now.
1:12:16
But then the other thing is is you know forgive the advice that you took that was wrong and start again. And here I am.
1:12:22
I'm like literally like I might as well be like a bro in Bushwick in like a studio apartment like hacking you know making my YouTube channel with all the packages.
1:12:28
But I'm having fun with it.
1:12:30
And that you know that creative force is self. >> Yeah. Yeah. For sure. How do we do that part?
1:12:36
Like that's let's take that really practical thing like often we got bad advice. We took a wrong turn.
1:12:43
>> A relationship took us off track.
1:12:46
>> How do you use this to get over that?
1:12:49
Because that is like one of those things that could just be a thorn forever that you're just like, "God, that person, if I didn't date them for 3 years, if I didn't take that advice, I wouldn't have wasted those six years of my life blogging."
1:13:00
Whatever it is, how do we apply that to this?
1:13:03
>> Oh my god, I think I'm a master.
1:13:03
I should write a book about this.
1:13:06
I am a master at self forgiveness.
1:13:08
And I think that I have been because it's like a flip that I just switched for myself, particularly in my sobriety where I had to just just choose.
1:13:17
I think that that that it's a choice you make to carry the burdens of your past or to choose to step into what could be your opportunity in the moment. >> Mhm.
1:13:30
>> So someone right now could have a quantum shift right here, right now.
1:13:33
We could give them a quantum shift right here, right now if they choose >> to start to say, "I forgive myself. I forgive myself.
1:13:40
Even if you just fake it till you make it, I forgive myself. Okay?
1:13:43
And I I like to kind of speak to myself like this, Jay.
1:13:45
I'll I'll do something that's kind of wobbly.
1:13:46
Maybe not the greatest thing.
1:13:49
I'll say I'll talk like this.
1:13:51
I'll go, "Okay, okay, we did that again. Okay, we did that again.
1:13:56
How who do I how do I need to clean it up?
1:13:57
What what do I need to Who do I make amends to?
1:13:59
Who do I check what what part do I check in with?
1:14:03
>> And then very quickly, how do I choose again?" >> Yeah. How do I choose again?
1:14:07
That question shifts it completely because it was a choice. You had the power.
1:14:13
>> Yeah, >> you made a choice.
1:14:13
And yeah, I think I agree.
1:14:15
I mean, I've pivoted so many times in my career and my life and so many things and it's it's only been because I've followed self. >> Yes.
1:14:25
>> And and that's where I know when I'm not living my best life is when I'm not following self. >> Totally.
1:14:32
And I think the challenge is that self can get very quiet for people and you talk a lot about trusting yourself ultimately and it's you can't trust yourself when you can't hear yourself and you can't hear yourself because you haven't listened to yourself for so long. That's >> right.
1:14:47
And this book is helping you get back to that so that you're not making decisions based on rationale or logic or pros and cons lists, but you're actually having clarity from within, which is such a gift.
1:15:01
And if you think about that clarity from within, >> okay, so if you're struggling to change a relationship, this will guide you to that clarity.
1:15:09
If you are struggling to forgive a past behavior that's been holding you back, this will help you release that behavior and start to connect to that clarity.
1:15:17
So that >> essence of accessing the energy that we need, we all anyone listening wants to create in this lifetime.
1:15:28
>> They have visions, they have dreams, they have desires.
1:15:32
>> It's not about how often you say it.
1:15:34
It's not about how many vision boards you create.
1:15:36
It's not about how many affirmations you say.
1:15:38
It's about how you relate to yourself inside >> because you're always attracting who you are.
1:15:47
You manifest and attract who you are.
1:15:49
[snorts] >> Question number three.
1:15:51
Uh what are you feeling really clear about right now?
1:15:58
>> Very very clear about YouTube.
1:15:58
Um I'm really clear about where I want to put my energy, >> where I want to focus my energy.
1:16:09
I mean, what a great place to be.
1:16:11
>> Um, question number four.
1:16:11
What's something you used to value that you no longer value?
1:16:16
>> Um, external validation. >> Big I value it.
1:16:18
Like you said earlier, I it's nice, but it was something that was very important for me >> and I needed it and I don't feel it that way anymore. >> Switched. Yeah. >> Yeah.
1:16:27
>> Fifth and final question.
1:16:27
We asked this to every guest who's ever been on the show.
1:16:30
If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
1:16:35
>> To get to know your parts. Yeah. Heal. Heal. He heal on the inside.
1:16:37
I actually do really believe that.
1:16:39
I believe that if everyone was doing this type of work that we would be living in a very different place. >> Yeah.
1:16:45
Because we wouldn't we Yeah.
1:16:47
Because we wouldn't be throwing our wounds all over the place.
1:16:49
>> We'd be help self-help.
1:16:51
>> We'd be helping ourselves.
1:16:51
We'd be living accessing more self.
1:16:52
And what really the only way to change the the frequency or change the the the trajectory that we're on is to actually on an individual level start to heal. >> Mhm.
1:17:09
>> And in that inner healing, we start to lead in our own corners with that self-led energy.
1:17:13
And it's community right now.
1:17:15
I mean, this is what I've been channeling in my meditations.
1:17:18
It's getting inside doing the inner work and then bringing that self-led energy into your local community and that will have a ripple effect.
1:17:27
>> Everyone, the book is called Self-Help.
1:17:29
This is your chance to change your life.
1:17:31
Gabby Bernstein, go and follow her on YouTube, on Instagram, on Tik Tok.
1:17:35
Subscribe to all of Gabby's channel so that you don't miss out.
1:17:37
And please, please, please go and grab a copy of the book to do the work yourself.
1:17:40
uh to save yourself so much time, energy, money in the long term for your own good, the good of your family, your partner, whoever else may be in your life, your friends, your community.
1:17:52
Uh thank you again, Gabby, for coming on the show.
1:17:56
It's great to have you back and have this conversation. And thank you.
1:17:58
I'm so grateful for your work. >> I love you. >> Thank you. I love you, too. Thanks, Gabby.
1:18:02
If this is the year that you're trying to get creative, you're trying to build more, I need you to listen to this episode with Rick Rubin on how to break into your most creative self, how to use unconventional methods that lead to success, and the secret to genuinely loving what you do.
1:18:19
If you're trying to find your passion and your lane, Rick Rubin's episode is the one for you.
1:18:26
>> Just because I like it, that doesn't give it any value.
1:18:27
Like, as an artist, if you like it, that's all of the value.
1:18:32
That's the success comes when you [music] say, "I like this enough for other people to see