so the five types of attraction are physical financial mental emotional and spiritual and most of us get involved in a relationship based on the first three people don't know how they want to receive love and they don't know how to give love and
like we said earlier that the old wisdom that is is is like to love and be loved is the biggest need but we don't know how to love and how to give love and we carry so much of our baggage from previous relationships and experiences and we bring them into a new
person so it's like that person treated me like that that must mean all men or all women are like that which means now when i'm with this woman i'm going to look at her through the lens of the last person that i was looking for them to to
to create this experience again right exactly yeah so you know evidence of why this person is this way exactly and so now you're approaching each person with the baggage of the last person which doesn't make sense you're not coming at it from a fresh new
experience with the same lessons for yourself but we start applying the lessons to the other person so i think that's the reason why we struggle to have an intimate connection now one of the things i talk about here are the five types of
attraction yeah and and the reason why i think this is the best way to figure out language no no these are the five types of attraction that i talk about right so the five types of attraction are physical financial mental emotional and spiritual and i'll explain
what i mean by all of them so physical is obvious she or he is heart attracted i'm attracted to them financial or wealth i like what they own i like what they have i like what they've achieved i i like that he went to princeton or
harvard i like that she's a scientist or a ceo i like that she's a supermodel like you like their status right so you're attracted to that the third thing that we're attracted to is people's mental abilities this is like when you're attracted to someone's mind
like you just love the way they think you love the way they articulate themselves you love all of that like you're attracted to that the fourth is the emotional this is when you're attracted to someone's emotional intelligence you're like oh they're very
caring they're compassionate they they're supported they have these good traits and the fifth and final one is spiritual where you're like you're you're connected to that person's values on a very deep level like what they
really live by now notice the first three i equate them to chemistry and the last two i equate to compatibility so the first three are chemistry and most of us get involved in a relationship based on the first three but here's the issue you can feel chemistry
multiple times per day you can feel it with the receptionist you can feel it with your personal trainer you can feel it with the barista at the coffee shop you can feel it with the waiter or the waitress the spot you can feel that anywhere like
you can find someone attracted by one of those qualities every single day and the challenge is we get into a relationship based on simply one of the first three and there's nothing wrong with that as a starting point it just can't be the end
point and so what we do is we keep convincing ourselves that the first three of cam chemistry is more powerful than the last two of compatibility and we're letting chemistry do the heavy wood lifting and it can't when we're making chemistry
do the heavy lifting the heavy work they're like pull and push and like okay like you you just take care of this that's why so many people rely on good sex to save a relationship they always be in conflict if the values and the compatibility are not there and you're
relying on chemistry there'll always be some conflict always yeah and and chemistry really easily is those top three and which is good to have so you should but my point is you have both you need to have both but you can't just say
because i'm mentally attracted to how that person thinks that's good marriage material that's not good enough you can't say because that because some we make broad general generalizations we say things like oh because he or she has a top
degree from a top college or a business school and they're at a top company they must be really kind loving and organized it's like what like how did you get a good parent yeah yeah most of our good parents how did you just draw that
parallel and so that's the way i would talk about entering a relationship is it can start with the first three but don't let it end without the last two yeah have the emotional and the spiritual the values correct that has to align for a real
long-lasting relationship i feel like i could do this for another thing it's amazing so good i want to finish with one yes one thought about service because you live a life of service i feel like my mission is to be of service to you you are in my business and my
relationships with my friendships it's all about service for me as well and this is a i think it's a quote from the bhagavad-gita which one is it plant trees no so this this one is like a famous statement that we see yeah
yeah yeah when you say plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit i remember you told me that this one's from the bug and you told me that a couple of years ago and i remember that really blew my mind because in business when i started out i think it
was a lot of like okay let me do this for you and you do this for me let's do reciprocal type of stuff i was in the online marketing world where it was about joint venture shifts it was about affiliate marketing and i'll do this and then you promote me right
and then i started to shift it when i got to the podcast seven years ago i said i'm just gonna bring on people i like and i'm just gonna serve it comes around cool if not cool and it's it's hard i think to switch that mentality but it's so rewarding to come
from a place of giving and service to literally wanting to see other people succeed whether they help you or not in return how do we get to that place of that mindset when we're like but i really need some help right now and i really want someone
to support me in return and i don't want to give all my energy to someone if they're never going to give me anything in return how do we balance that yeah no that's such a smart question because i think the challenge is that we become
overly compassionate often to people in a certain way so what i mean by that is being compassionate and being giving isn't about spending your whole day with one person who needs your attention and affection if your purpose is to do something
different so for example you're putting out this podcast you put out video content you write books this is serving lots of different people in lots of ways and you're not expecting apart from the person buying the book and and getting the value from you don't
really expect them to do anything for you right you're not asking them to come and champion for you if they don't want to so you're already planting those seeds you're already sharing in that way and i think the mistake we make is when we are
overly compassionate to one person and we're doing it expecting that they're going to do something back right so the only way don't be overly compassionate expecting somebody in return yeah don't just just if you see yourself just don't do that if you're going to
feel that and that's okay like that doesn't make you less compassion it doesn't make you a bad person like if i don't want to and i have rules about there are certain people in my life that i don't ask for favors because i don't ever want to be in a
position where i'm having to ask them because not that they wouldn't do it or whatever i just don't want to do that it's just not who i am and it's like but that's fine and there are certain people in my life that i won't give to because
i know they're going to keep asking for stuff and so you have to protect yourself and i think self-protection and being honest with yourself is the best way so the my favorite analogy in this is if someone's drowning in the ocean
if you're fit and healthy and you're a lifeguard great you can go and save them but if you're not you might need to call the real lifeguard to come and help them out and that's what real compassion is real compassion if you can't help someone if
you're feeling toxic one day you're feeling negative one day you're feeling you're not really giving from your heart it's better to introduce them to someone or find someone else who can help them then to go in there with all these toxic
emotions and now you're expecting them to live return the favor it's better to not do it if you're gonna do something and in your heart of hearts you're actually feeling bitter and regretting it it's better not to do it because guess what you weren't compassionate
when you did it with that intention compassion is about intention it's not about the result like two people could give the same amount to charity one person gives it for pr one person gives it because they care about the
kids who's happy the person who gave it for the kids the person both people's money had the same impact but the intention is what defined what happened so if you're begrudgingly going out there and helping someone and in your heart you're like oh i can't
believe they asked me who are they like i don't even like them like they never help me and then you help them that guess what that's not compassion protect yourself deal with it deal with that toxic emotion so i don't help people that when i feel like that
and i give myself that that space i know or no yeah i just say yeah i can't well i'll be honest with them i'll say i in honest in the best way that you can i've i don't think i can support you on this because i don't feel right about it it doesn't make
sense to me or whatever it is like it's not the right fit and i think that's actually stopping yourself from being a people pleaser yes because we we actually are not compassionate we're just people pleasers we actually just want people to think we're like
magnanimous and amazing so we'll go and go to every you know everything to support everyone but it's like we're resentful people pleasers exactly please and then we're resentful that we've had it exactly and then now we want to make them feel
guilty for not doing their back so i make a conscious effort to support the people i love to to make an effort with the people i love and do more there and that's that's fine your compassion doesn't you don't have to be this
overarching person who's like doing it for everyone like that's that's part of the journey it's going to take time to get there how do you know when you've found the one and a lot of you been asking jay how do you know when you've found the one so
here you go this is the video for you if you've got any insights or ideas on how you know when you've found the one write them in the comments while you're listening to me rambling on and giving you these insights now think about it for a moment in your life you've
probably had relationship and love advice from so many different people and places you've probably had some from your family your grandpa he just asked me to marry him one time one day and i was like no no and you've probably had some from your
friends you're already saying i love you in this relationship it's been like a month it's been three months [Music] [Laughter] not to forget you've definitely had tons of advice knowingly or unknowingly from the tv programs you watch dumper and
without a doubt the movies that you watch have had a massive impact on what you think love looks like and last but not least the songs that you listen to every year new movies songs tv programs are all released about finding love you've got dating shows
reality tv and every week you have a new app that's promising you it will help you find the one you've got apps that help you find vegan people non-vegan people people who love cars people who love traveling and then even cuddler it
connects you with people who are just looking to you guessed it cuddle bristler matches people with beards with those who want to stroke them and some of those are pretty weird and not only have we been exposed to so many different ideas and advice from what we
consume but even the people around us from watching our parents to watching our friends to watching our aunts and uncles to watching the people that we grew up around all of these ideas have left an imprint on what we think about
love and finding the one and all of these things also put ideas into our heads about what the other person likes you know girls like guys who drive cars like this guys like girls who dress like this and this starts to form our ideas about what we believe about
relationships i'm gonna tell you one of my favorite ones maybe some of you have seen the movie a bronx tale maybe you haven't you can check it out and in the movie there's a scene where this really cool suave i believe he's somewhat of a
gangster guy says to the younger guy who's kind of being mentored by him that you know when you found the one when a girl does this one thing you want to know what that one thing is yes he says that the ideal girl is a girl that when you take her to your car you
open the door you let her in she sits down and while you're walking around the back to get to the driver's seat she'll lean over and open your door for you if she doesn't do that she's out right she's not the one so it's crazy to believe that there's so many different
stories so many different examples of advice being given to us all across our lives what i'm gonna do today is give you my top 10 ways of knowing when you found the one are you ready here we go number one they'll support and mutually
respect your dreams now that doesn't mean that they're going to do your dreams for you it doesn't mean that they're always going to be there cheering you on but it means that they respect your priority about your dreams they value what you're chasing they
believe in it as much as you do and they want to see you get there they're not trying to hold you back they're not trying to stop you from getting there they're not trying to restrict you and trap you in any way they want to see you
grow genuinely follow your dreams number two they'll really be present with you in the moment i love being around people who help me forget to look at my phone that's the kind of person that you want to be with someone who's not distracted by their phone by their
messages by their friends by anything else when they're with you they're with you if they keep forgetting what you're saying chances are they're not the one are you even listening to me number three the person is self-aware and knows
their self-worth they're independent they're able to grow on their own they have their own set of friends they have their own set of values they have their own set of priorities some of them may match with yours but some of them may be
different but they're their own person they're not looking for you to complete them they're not looking for you to finish them they're looking for you to enhance them and help them grow they're growing with you and they're gonna help you grow too i'm here to help number
four is the tough one it's called trust probably one of the hardest rarest thing in the world and i'm talking about without checking are you spying on me now this one's a tough one because sometimes you find out the hard way and
some of us have been there so my take is that trust should be earned it's not something that should be given up front but it's something that is earned usually we have this belief that i either trust someone or i don't trust them at all my idea is that there's
actually layers of trust you have no trust at the bottom but then there's step one step two step three step four etc which leads to unconditional trust the challenge is we put our expectation when we're with someone that we can unconditionally trust them and actually
their trust levels down here that gap is exactly how much pain you end up feeling remember trust is something that's earned don't give it straight away let that person through their actions and their thoughts and their words earn your
trust you're gonna have to earn it number five you don't always need someone or something else to keep the chemistry keep the entertainment and make things fresh when you feel like you always need an external form of thrill or excitement to keep everything special
between you two it's a sign that you may not actually be connecting with each other but connecting with that other thing i want to sit and watch some more tv number six you can spend time apart but can't wait to be back so you're
comfortable traveling different parts of the world for work studying in different areas of the world maybe in the same country maybe in a different one but you can't wait to be together and the challenge is that we usually get frustrated when you're apart from
someone that you love or want to be with you start getting frustrated and you take it out on them which actually weakens the relationship you know when you found the one because you'll realize that you don't let that frustration
affect your relationship with them you find other ways of releasing sharing that but you're making sure that you're not ruining your own relationship because of the frustration of not being together in the first place i don't want to fight with you
number seven you can disagree this is the tough one people think that you found the one when you agree on everything when you like the same stuff when everything matches that's not true at all you can actually disagree with that person you can have different ideas
and you still learn to work together it's pretty difficult to find anyone in the world who agrees with you on absolutely everything so they expect to find the one who has that that's pretty unlikely i disagree number eight you don't have
to like each other's friends i think there's so much pressure to be liked by the other person's friends for them to like your friends for your friends to like them chances are that you're putting in way too many tick boxes that are going to be quite difficult to
manage now if your friends think that they're totally crazy or they think your friends are crazy definitely take a look at that she's very picky dude but the truth is that it's important that you guys get along even if they're friends
with a whole different circle of people and you're friends with a whole different circle of people that doesn't mean you can't be great together we are great together we are a great team number nine you can be your real self not your linkedin
profile not your facebook profile not your instagram profile not your twitter profile you can let go of all those identities and just be yourself who are you really and finally number ten you argue not to get one up on each other not to
beat the other person not to defeat the other person but so that you can come to a healthy conclusion together it's more of a discussion rather than an argument or a debate because it's not about who's right but it's about making sure that you come to the right conclusion
together you telling someone like these are the three things she wants in bed like that's not gonna change your relationship if you aren't compatible if you don't connect if you don't speak the right love languages if you're not
empathetic if you're not vulnerable like then that three list of this and seventies to that isn't gonna do anything it's void and and that's where i'm trying to get to with people because i don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that and i don't want
people to use sex as an excuse for that and i don't want people to use sex as a cover-up for not having any of that because i know having been in tons of relationships where it was just physical and that's all there was that's
the only time it felt good it didn't feel good at any other time i didn't go home with a beautiful feeling in my heart and then when it's only about that that's also when it can be easily replaced right because that's easily changeable right and that's why i think
so many people go through and i talk about my videos so much about cheating and loyalty because when it is just physical it becomes so much more easier to just disconnect and fall asleep yeah and now heartbreak yes what's your advice on heartbreak
i know you have you have a video up it's like the five things people should do through heartbreak and one of them is like get rid of everything from the past and only focus on the present and the future yeah i like that's hard for
people i like getting rid of visual triggers i think the challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're surrounded by the same sounds the same sights and the same people that we were in our past and i see this with anything and i'm sure you felt this when you went
deeper into your faith did your circles change 100 right when you went deeper into your faith did what you look at change 100 right so you look at my heart change your heart change because internal anecd's done yes because for me
when i transformed in my faith it was a transformation of my heart yes not about what i was actually doing or not doing correct and that's what i feel for anyone anyone that i've witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life their environments have
changed and so for me a lot of us are making it harder for yourself it's like saying i want to start working out every day but i don't own any trainers right it's like that's not going to work it's like doing the opposite like i want to
go on a diet but i'm going to keep chocolate cake in my refrigerator right like it's it's that so you're saying you're enabling i want to get over the past but i'm going to keep my ex's sweater right next to me and i'm going to keep all these text messages that i
can keep reading through again why do people go back and read text messages because from someone that broke their heart because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful right the feeling of nostalgia and this is in studies too like the research by
nostalgia is you always think things were better in the past with something like that so you read a message you're like oh but they love me so much and now what you're doing is reality's here and you've got your own version of reality playing here so
you're basically writing your own movie script up here when reality's telling you this and nostalgia is that script that fantasy that's never going to be that fantasy that isn't real so it's you saying i don't want to accept what is
and i'm trying to accept what if those people who can't get over that that hump what do you tell them one of the biggest things that do you really want no no no no no it's a good it's a good conversation i think one of the biggest things i say to
people is just like let's kind of break their space that they're in it's almost like that person needs a space change and they they need to get out of that zone and so for me i'm always encouraging people to start doing new things i think
it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience when you try something new you join a new class you've never done it before because guess what it's about finding yourself again so you're now learning new things about yourself
you're now falling in love with yourself it's about falling in love with you correct and i think that the biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you oh when's the rebound like are you going to date this guy when are you going to start dating
again or this girl when are you going to be out there again and it's almost like well no maybe it's where i go inside this time and spend some time with myself and i think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that because you only learn new things about yourself
when you do new things with yourself right you never like you never do new things with ourselves you always you're always doing the same things with the same people but imagine you're studying new things on your own and now you have new
memories and one of the things i've been talking about a lot with people is forming new memories if you don't make new memories the old ones will always hold you back and that's why we're stuck in the old because we're not making any
new ones so the new the old ones just keep pulling you back the best way to make new memories is a set up and experience do with a friend that you love and when you go out there it's this technique that's often used for grounding in therapy and everything but
i use it for presents and that's how we were trained in it as monks when you go somewhere and you're like i want to take a mental picture of this how many times have you ever said that where you go someone you're like i want to yeah have
this in my mind and i want to keep it forever and the iphone camera is not and the camera is not going to do it it's not going to keep it emotionally and i think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that are new so the best way to
do it is called 54321 okay so when you're in a space and let's say i want to do it of this i look at five things that i could see so five things that i can see right now so i'm gonna say you obviously important part of the memory you're important too yeah yeah
i'm doing it with you yeah i'm gonna say the rug okay so i'm going for space okay i'm gonna look at the ceiling so one two three four i'm gonna say the couch so there are five things that i can see the second thing is four things that you
can touch okay so four things i can touch my silky dress my really dry skin you're good at descriptions silky dress dry skin this is good the rough textured raw texture yes and oh my gosh yeah amazing three things that you can hear
i can hear the light yes i can hear myself swallow and i can hear your voice perfect and then two things that you can smell i can smell my garlic breath and um i'm having a hard time smelling basically anything because i'm seven months pregnant
you can hear how clogged i am yeah me too but maybe my perfume okay okay and then once all about me yeah no that's good and then one thing you can taste garlic great so so if you did that in an experience then you want to turn it on forever
all you have to do to to make a mental picture take a mental picture of everything you do five four three two one five things you can see four things you can touch three things you can hear two things you can smell and one thing you can taste i really like that yeah
it's beautiful and so and this is what i mean by when you're going through a breakup the biggest mistake you make is the old memories hold you back because you don't know how to make new memories and so my advice to everyone is go and
make new memories okay so i did tony robbins right and it was enlightening it was fun and the biggest thing that i came away with was i don't live in the present i'm constantly living for the what's next yes here we go you know okay team it's
time to hustle yeah and he said what are you grateful for and i mean i could sit there and say i'm grateful for my health i'm grateful for my family i'm great you know like i could list a few things but he said what are you grateful for in
your career and it's like i had to really go deep and i think that maybe if i started doing the 5-4-3-2-1 i would be able to go back to experiences that i thought my heart remembered but my mind didn't totally and i am totally implementing 543 and that's exactly what
it's so today it's used for a lot of people who start with anxiety to bring them back into the moment when we were trained in as monks it was what we did for presents like gazelle you said right and this is why the biggest mistake we
make is when you're having an experience the only sense we activate is the eyes and that's why when you're trying to think of a past memory you go what was it again because you have to close your eyes because that was the only one that was
activated whereas what we've done with 5.321 is you've now absorbed this memory through all the five senses which means each one of them is going to give you a different bun i like it yeah wow all right switching gears a little bit i really feel like insecurities
breed negativity right and a motto that i like to live by is kill people with kindness what do you think about that yes i love that i agree with you completely this is the beautiful thing that happens when you say thank you to someone who's kind
to you it does three things the first thing is you recognize kindness so now you are triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness and you're now recognizing kindness in them the second thing you do is you reinforce kindness and then they realize they're
like oh when i'm kind people appreciate it right so i'm gonna be more kind so you've now reinforced kindness within them and the third thing is you help them repeat it now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated
they're now going to be kind to more people so now you've started this domino effect of kindness just by thanking one person who knew yeah it's so interesting to hear you talk about being a monk and like how you spend half the day working on yourself and halfway the other day
working to give out to others and what is your take on putting yourself first and like is it selfish so with with monk teachings the point is you are taking care of yourself first in order to serve better so it's always like i'm going to put
myself first so that i can fill up so that i can serve with more because we want to serve with our best selves right i always say this to people it's like people are like jay should i go to this party should i go out to this event should i call up
this person should i do this should i do that i'm just like well if you're going to show up there with that energy well you're going to have to convince yourself to go then guess what that person is going to feel that right
because if you want to show up then you're going to show up with your best so i feel for me it's not selfish if the intention is i want to give more and serve more that's good it's it's selfish when it's just like oh i'm just going to take care
of myself because that's all that matters right whereas it's like no i'm going to take care of myself because i want to give my best self to the people i love right to the people of the world to the people i care for and so i'm gonna keep prioritizing myself so i
went down the wrong journey when i first started wanting to serve i used to just think oh yeah i'm gonna stay up all night someone needs me to drive halfway across the country i'll do that and i would do things like that and i started
to realize i was just people pleasing i wasn't serving i was actually serving my own ego that was the most selfish thing interesting it was the most selfish thing because there's just people pleasing but then i realized actually me saying look you know what i need to get
a good night's sleep tonight but i promise you first thing in the morning we're going to talk about this and i'm going to bring my best off to this conversation people started to respect that value that and gave me that space
are you tired of being single but sick of the dating scene are you thinking about just giving up if so this video is for you 50 million that's the number of members online dating site okcupid reported in 2020 according to data from surveymonkey
intelligence and in any given minute an average of 100 000 users are online on okcupid alone that's not counting mats.com tinder hinge bumble or any of the other dating sites and apps 2020 estimates from compare camp state that
in the us alone 30 million people were using online dating sites and get this tinder's total number of paid subscribers tops over 59 million online dating has real appeal right it's easy and convenient you can browse pictures and profiles while you're
eating breakfast or watching netflix plus instead of just friends of friends or people your mom wants to set you up with the number of potential dating candidates you have access to expands exponentially when you sign up for an
online dating so what's a catch okcupid asks users up to 5 000 different questions to help them find their ideal match and guess what all of this online chat with more people plus the ability to pre-screen them may actually be why you're still single i knew it so if
you're frustrated that you haven't found the one and you're thinking about giving up on dating keep watching because i have some insights and solutions that may help i got some really powerful and profound insights into what's wrong with
how we're dating from relationship experts and psychologists john and julie gottman who are also husband and wife i got to interview them for my podcast and they told me something shocking which is that when it comes to dating we put too much emphasis on finding people
like us that doesn't mean we literally look for people exactly like us but that we put too much emphasis on finding people with the same hobbies the same interests and ideals as we have agreed to agree now that flies in the face of a
lot of what we think we know about dating right we think it's about finding people who share lots of things with us and then we're more likely to be compatible with them the gottmans disagree and that's one of the reasons online dating algorithms can fail us so
often i mean they don't fail in that they don't work they do a great job of matching people based on the criteria that we determine are important to us but maybe we're focusing on the wrong criteria the problem is that in reality
a lot of this criteria doesn't actually make for a great match for us as so many of us have discovered when we've actually met some of those people in person we can't even necessarily tell who we'll really be attracted to from their photos you look like your profile
pic finally one of the reasons for that says the gottmans is our jeans and we know this thanks to a bunch of sweaty german t-shirts what did you just say one swiss researcher and his team took a group of 44 men and gave them nice clean cotton
t-shirts and asked them to wear them for two nights in a row while they were sleeping they also asked the men to avoid things that would alter their smell artificially like smoking eating heavily spiced foods wearing scented deodorants and while sleeping with
someone else you stink here's where it gets really really weird i'm not even going to guess how the researchers came up with this idea they put the worn t-shirts in identical boxes with a small hole in the boxes then had 49 women come in and smell each of the
boxes you heard that right the women came into a room and through the halls got a whiff of the t-shirts sniff around now they didn't eat smell all 44 shirts each woman was asked to smell six shirts and rate the shirts from 1 to 10 on
intensity pleasantness and sexiness again you heard that right sexiness from smelling a t-shirt smells good now the six shirts each woman got were specially selected to include three that were for men with a closer genetic match to them
and three from men who are less of a genetic match consistently the women preferred the smells of the men who are less genetically matched remember they had no information about the men no photos no personal details only the smell of dead t-shirts
researchers theorized that these particular genes which play a role in the development of our immune systems help to keep us from being attracted to people who aren't genetically diverse enough from us which could potentially
negatively impact the health of our offspring and the smell of a t-shirt and our genetic matchiness is the kind of information that even the highest tech online dating algorithm has not mastered if we don't give it the right information anyway beyond our genes i
asked the gottmans what we tend to get wrong when it comes to dating they said that we often screen for things that don't really matter when you meet someone you're truly compatible with on a deeper level lots of those things don't actually matter when i asked the
gottmans what does matter they gave me a list of eight things to look for and here they are number one does the person listen to you do they show genuine interest in getting to know you do they ask you meaningful questions and really
listen to the answer i'm listening number two are they reliable and consistent or do they play games like playing hard to get that's a big red flag that's a red flag number three are they honest and sincere i would never lie to you number four are they
attentive is it clear that they consider your needs desires and feelings it's not all about you number five are they kind or instead are they critical do they make biting sarcastic remarks that just aren't funny that's not funny number six are they
generous sharing is good number seven are they a person of substance and character and are they respectful i do not respect you and eight finally does it feel good to be with them this feels so good so does that mean you should ditch
the dating apps i'm definitely not saying you should stop using apps but instead it may be helpful to shift what you're using them for helen fisher is an anthropologist and the chief science officer for match.com she says we have the wrong idea about how much and
similar sites in that they are not dating sites they are introduction sites entrepreneur christina wallace agrees in a hilarious ted talk where she discussed some of the perils she faced doing online dating before she finally met the
one christina says that it's not the apps that are broken it's our expectations of them after countless dating fails christina decided to start going about her app use more strategically and set up a screening system for every message she received
from a new potential match where she would evaluate them for three criteria now remember these were things that were important to christina yours might be totally different number one the message had to be written in complete sentences
with good grammar number two it had to reference something specific about her so she knew they weren't just cutting and pasting their messages number three the message could not contain anything sexual of 210 new messages christina received 14 percent met these criteria
for her next step christina decided she wanted to meet the guys quickly because as she said the things i cared about i couldn't see online she was tired of going back and forth for days or weeks exchanging long messages or committing
to full dates only to find out they had no real chemistry or the guy only wanted sex so christina created what she called a zero date where the ground rules were that they would include just one drink over one hour and in that time only one question she needed to answer for
herself was would i like to have dinner with this person would i like to spend three hours with them if the zero date went well she'd see if they wanted to have a first date then just go from there i absolutely love this approach to
not give an online dating app the full responsibility of matching you with the perfect person but instead for just presenting you with a lot more options to choose from from there you can do what christina did and come up with a few not 19 or 20 basic screening
criteria to see if you're interested in meeting them in person that way you can immediately rule out people who don't meet your baseline but you're less likely to disqualify a potential partner too soon over things that don't really
matter are you looking for the one are you trying to find that big love of your lifetime and you feel like you've tried everything and looked everywhere if so this video is for you the reality is there are so many ways we can end up finding our person there isn't really a
single solution for everyone but i will tell you one big thing you need to stop doing if you want to find the one and it's something most of us do and i'll tell you two things to do instead according to the us census one in four
millennials speaks a language other than english at home in california it's one in two regardless of what language they use at home there's one word that millennials worldwide are speaking less than ever marriage according to the census about 3 out of every 10 american
millennials have ever been married according to data from the pew research center younger adults are getting married at the rates 11 to 20 lower than the baby boomers and the silent generation look all around and there's no shortage
of opinions as to why some say millennials are too broke to get married too expensive others say they're too busy building their careers or pursuing higher education i have more important things to do then there's the idea that millennials just don't believe in
marriage that it's a broken system whose time has passed i don't believe in that sort of thing personally yet according to data from avo an online legal marketplace 82 percent of millennials surveyed disagreed with the statement
that marriage was an outdated institution and a study conducted by acuvue brand contact lenses found that 52 of respondents strongly agreed that marriage is important to them others say it's long-term commitment that matters to them whether or not it involves
marriage i know from all of the messages and questions i get from you and from talking with my own single friends that most of us do put a committed relationship as one of our top priorities and the reason so many of us haven't found the one is well we don't
really know that's a question i get so often jay what am i doing wrong what do i need to do to find the big love of my life and that's what we're talking about today when it comes to dating and relationships there's no shortage of
advice and a lot of it is conflicting should you be scientific on data driven or dreamy do you need to take an approach that's organized or organic the answer is both i'll explain in a minute but first let's talk about the one thing
that most of us get flat out wrong when it comes to finding the one here's what it is we create an ideal picture of the perfect person you're probably like jay what isn't that exactly what we're supposed to do otherwise isn't it like trying to find a town you've never been
to before without using a map not so says relationship expert marla madrone marla talks about that the biggest mistake we make in trying to find our ideal partner is that we look for our ideal partner she explains that we create this detailed picture of who we
want to be with then when we meet people we fill in the gaps in what we know about them with our own projections whether those are positive or negative the problem marla says is we're not really seeing and learning who the other
person is we're creating a perception of them based on a blend of our own prior experiences along with our needs and expectations and they're doing this with us too rarely do we actually see each other for who we are so we reject or
embrace each other based mostly on inaccurate perceptions so we're either alone and we're not sure why or we're in a couple's therapy trying to figure out who we are and re-engineer our relationships i love this because it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes
which is from sociologist charles horton cooley the quote is i'm not what i think i am and i'm not what you think i am i am what i think you think i am as i write in my book think like a monk our identities are wrapped up in what we
think others think of us so what do you think a common problem in many of our relationships is that we're method acting we're relating to one another from these false places or these roles not purposefully but because we don't really know ourselves marla says
that the way we stop doing this is know yourself she says that cultivating self-awareness is the most powerful thing we can do to strengthen all of our relationships it helps us build healthy boundaries nurture open and honest
communication end toxic relationships and yes find the one i really understand the value of self-awareness when i trained as a monk it was like a three-year intensive on learning who you are self-awareness is so critical to everything we do from creating
fulfilling relationships and careers and families to just being happy and experiencing joy meaning and purpose on our own i first met my wife radi before i ever became a monk she was great but i just wasn't in that place and she wasn't
in that place and so while we enjoyed each other's company there was no romantic connection after i left the ashram and spent more time with radhi who'd become one of my sister's closest friends i got to experience a different broader version of her because my lens
had changed i was so much more self-aware and i knew what was important to me and also what wasn't important to me and although i wasn't out on a flat out search for the one at the time i had that solid foundation in place and
so did she so that we were both able to see and connect with each other as who we really are and every day i can see our continuing to work on our own self-awareness strengthens our relationship with each other now that doesn't mean things are always perfect
and easy but that's one of the beautiful things about loving relationships ideally we're with someone who we can continue to grow with and who we still learn new things about all the time psychotherapist and relationship expert
esther perel says that novelty and newness is a key element to lifelong attraction so when it comes to finding the one how do we do it here are two steps first begin with you build that self-awareness there are so many ways to do this but here is a simple way to
start figure out your love language some of you know gary chapman's five love languages remind me again what that is the five love languages are words of affirmation acts of service giving gifts physical touch or quality time then as much as possible speak this love
language to yourself as i write in my book so many of our problems occur when we expect another person to fulfill all of our needs and to be everything to us it's all about me as marla says we're actually capable of meeting far more of
our own needs than we give ourselves credit for and when we learn to deeply love and support ourselves we have more fulfilling relationships because we can freely and gratefully receive what others are willing and able to provide
we can love them for who they really are and we can be loved for who we really are so start by identifying then speaking your own love language to yourself tell yourself you look great have you been working out or take a nice hot bath buy yourself a gift you'd love
i'm gonna buy a house or schedule some quality solitude time to be in relationship with yourself hey it's fine to have a list of what's important to you and what you're looking for and in fact that is a good thing when it comes to deep core values or goals such as
whether you want kids whether the other person treats you with respect and is genuinely interested in learning who you are and whether you truly enjoy spending time with them remember those statistics i gave earlier about how millennials
aren't getting married well that's only part of the picture as anthropologist helen fisher says the majority of younger people today are practicing what she calls slow love they're not just getting married they're waiting to get
married so they can be more sure of their choice today fisher says 86 of americans will marry by age 49 and around the world people are still far more likely than not to settle down with a long-term partner and the good news is that those couples are more likely to
stay together so that's the second step practice slow love really let yourself get to know people we struggle with ambiguity is this person the one or are they not and am i running out of time sometimes a match or no match is evident
pretty quickly but in most cases it takes time but knowing yourself and then really getting to know the other person for who they truly are is the perfect one-two combo for finding real lasting long-term love the first time i actually met raleigh was
before i became a monk and i met her very briefly i thought she was beautiful and and and attractive but i didn't really think anything of it like i just i genuinely just was so focused on what i was doing at life at that time and
i was so spiritually inclined and spiritually focused that i i literally didn't think anything of it yeah and my mom introduced me to you yes so i should tell that story yeah so actually i met rodney's mom even before i met her yeah and so i was training
to become a monk and i met radhi's mom and i was asked to show her how to do a particular service at the temple so i had to take her around etc now the incredible thing about this is that that is the only time you ever while i was there that i was
ever asked to show another person how to do this service so the one day that i had to show someone how to do this particular service this voluntary service at the temple it was the one day that her mom turned up and at that time i didn't know she had a daughter i
didn't know anything about this lady i was like oh she's around my mom's age yeah and and she was she was wonderful and and we got along but i was just showing her what to do and then literally didn't speak to her no and then my mom wanted me to get more
involved in and i really wanted to get more involved in like the spiritual side of my life and so she met him and wanted me to get introduced to the youth community there and so she passed on my number to you but you passed on to your sister
yeah absolutely yes i passed it on to my sister i was like no i need to stay focused do my thing and my sister's very spiritually inclined too big shout out to amy and and then yeah and then you guys got connected and you became friends yeah
and actually at that point my mom said to me oh you know i met this really nice really nice guy at the temple and she was like to me after i met him i prayed and i was like i hope my daughter meets somebody like this i know he's going to
be a monk but i hope she meets someone that's like this because he seems really nice um little did he know what was going to happen and then um never happened he became a monk i heard you speak oh i heard him speak all the time because he used to do lots of
youth programs or university talks and sessions on philosophy and meditation yeah philosophy meditation and i was just like oh my gosh he's such an incredible speaker and the way that he uh makes such incredible wisdom so relevant to us who were like young
teenagers or [Music] i'm the one who remembers it yeah i don't remember anything i barely remember things happened like two years ago um so no i wasn't a teenager i was out of university which feels like a long time ago so i was in my 20s and yeah i saw him
speaking i just thought it was so incredible how he was able to articulate such yeah such deep wisdom in a way that was so relevant to people who were so young and and probably wouldn't have been so interested in reading a book about it um
and so i was in awe of him and he also looked really cool he had like a bold head he didn't look like the type of person who was going to be speaking about these things he had like tattoos and a bald head but then he was in robes
this is really really cool but weird at the same time he was so strange yeah and and then it was then when i left being a monk which is our story in itself we can talk about that another day when i when i left being a monk her and my sister were
really really close yeah and me and my sister are really really close i trust my sister she's one of my best friends and i sat down with her one day and she said well you know what bradley likes someone and and i was just like oh who and i
just think she was going to say some other person's name and she's like she really likes you and i was like oh i i really like her like i'd love to get to know her better and we'd we'd interacted we'd had we'd got to know each other a bit better because we'd
organize charity events together etc and so i'd seen her not in the role of being a girlfriend obviously or someone that i was dating i'd seen her interact with other people other other humans inside a project management organization organizing events so i'd seen her
personality and like observed how she behaved around certain people how she had talked to people how she interacted with people and and based on all those things i thought she was a great person so when my sister told me that i was i was
secretly quite happy as well and i always heard about him through his sister and his sister would talk about him with so much love and affection and he treats her like she's his baby no matter how old she gets she's literally like his baby and i
used to see like conversations between them and he's like oh my gosh he's so sweet like he's so sweet even though he's yeah he's gone off being a monk but he was still really really caring and loving towards towards his sister and his family
and then yeah i told her that i liked him before before uh he knew about it or before you'd probably even thought about it yeah yeah so then that was it really that's how we met we almost met before i became a monk when you had a conversation etc yeah
never had conversations never spoke but but i just seen each other in our own elements yeah and then when i left left being a monk uh you know later that year we we started going out so that was around the towards the end of 2013. and then it just went really
fast we both we both kind of as soon as we spoke about it we both knew that we wanted to be with each other and we were really certain about it and it could have gone really wrong but we were like we could have both been really
crazy um but it ended up just working out we both really had kind of understood each other just by observing one another i guess and um there were a few surprises i'm sure but um we yeah we got along straight away and we were both pretty much went from yeah
i really like you too yeah i love you in like a day and then it was like yeah we want to get married in like a week um as in we didn't get married in a week but we wanted to we said we wanted to get married eventually in a week after that um
and then we ended up spending a lot of time at each other's homes right um he was spending a lot of time at my house for ages i mean that's pretty much where i took him to have all of our dates because i loved being around my family and i was
like best of both worlds i can be around the person that i want to spend the rest of my life with and the people that i've spent most of my life with and so yeah most of our dates would would involve my parents um and my sister and my brother-in-law
at the time and so we got to know each other kind of in our own environments as well really fast which i think helped us fast forward a lot easier yeah absolutely and i remember that my sister gave me like an action plan she's like
this is all you're going to get along on this is what you're going to struggle with and this is going to be your challenges and and i definitely owe it to her to bring us together yeah i think she was a huge part of she was us being together my sister definitely and and
she was like because she knows me so well and i feel she got to know you well as well she was just like this is what you guys are going to agree on this is what you're not going to agree on this yeah it was just it was so nice to have
that yeah because you could go into a relationship having more understanding of the other person can i just say one of the things she said that we wouldn't get along on is bollywood because i loved bollywood songs and films at the time but
like a good bollywood song questionable question yeah questionable yeah i decided to get over there yeah and you you've barely eaten yeah yeah yeah you've got to go for it yeah but yeah we spent a lot of time in each other's parents homes and
with our families which was great because you had to be yourself i used to love what your mom used to tell you my mom was so funny so obviously like it was a person to her that was you know we were dating and so usually you would put
in a lot of effort in the way that you dress and uh doing your hair when the person you're dating comes over but um yeah i would literally be in the same clothes that i was wearing like the whole day which was pretty much like pajama bottoms and and a really scruffy
top my mum would be like do you not want to maybe you know put a different top on or you don't want to change your trousers i was like no mom if he can't love me in what i'm wearing right now which is what he's probably going to see
me for the rest of his life then it's just not meant to be okay we have like he has to love me for and she would okay but you could try you know a little bit i was like no and it worked so yeah and she's so beautiful and cute like even when she's dressed on her bow chic
i'm just like i love it you know and it's quite nice actually like i i genuinely believe this like i rarely see her with makeup on yes and so like it's it's fun when you when you fall in love with someone based on who they are and their personality and their
energy and all of that beauty shines through so yeah i love you so that leads us nicely on to the next point that our friends wanted to discuss which is what's the key to starting off a relationship well like what's the key to starting it off
well so one thing for me was was this that because we didn't see each other in dating environments a lot i feel like dating environments put this pressure of being in an interview so i compare dates to interviews it's almost like you have to put your best foot
forward you wear your best clothes you try and say all the best things and even if it's not the best actually it's us trying to be right and that's what we do in interviews when you go an interview for a job it's like you want to be the
right fit for that person yeah and that's what happens in a dating scenario like you're sitting opposite desk just like you're doing an interview and then someone's asking you a question and you're like okay well what do i have to say to make them like me or to say
the right thing whereas we didn't really get to do that no and i'm not saying that that was a conscious choice but now when i look back at it and i reflect on it and introspect on it i'm like we didn't really get an opportunity to date
in that sense and that means that i got exposed to the real her either by seeing her in a charity organization seeing her in a real life scenario how does she treat normal people and then how she's with her family and i'm like that's the best view you can
get of someone and so when i look at that in terms of giving advice or tips or whatever my recommendation is be around people that you're thinking about being with in an environment where they're just being themselves because
chances are if you like them the way they are when they are with other people then you're likely to love them when they're with you too and so often we only see people that we are considering being romantic with or dating etc we only see them in
dates and dinners and movie nights and whatever it is right yeah i agree i feel like you see and also seeing people with the people that they're closest to because you can't really fake it with the people that you're closest to i mean if you can you
could do it for a really short period of time and you also end up seeing them being probably at their worst and at their best because you can be the most loving to your family but you can also be the worst person towards your family
because they're the ones that accept it and so yeah i feel like you get a good image of who the person is through through interacting with them that way absolutely yeah good point thanks nicely said it's true yeah and and the other thing is
i so when we first got together i'd left being a monk probably like seven months before so it's been like a seven month gap and i didn't have a job oh yeah i had no job i had no money no i was getting rejected left right and center from every single place that i
was applying to because i'd been a monk for three years and no one wanted to hire someone who had monk written on their resume like no one's like oh yeah i would love your transferable skills like you know like what do you know and
so oh you can meditate for four hours great we need that in our organization so it was just there was no i had nothing really yeah and that's a great way to start dating someone because there's very i remember i used to save up so i used to like try
and work part-time and i was doing everything i could you were tutoring i was tutoring so i would like i would be tutoring young people for their exams or university exams et cetera and i would be making like you know 15 pounds an hour or whatever it
was and i remember i'd save up so i could take her out on a date at the end of the month and so that we could do something fun and and i loved the fact i loved that because i met her at a time when when i had nothing and she accepted me for it
yeah i love her for that and also her parents were always really cool about it so sometimes that can be a big pressure from parents and expectations but her parents were really cool about it they never made me feel uncomfortable about it or anything and my parents
obviously were very comfortable with me they were just like follow your heart do what's right for you very very encouraging and i'm not i don't come from a well of background at all or anything so it's not that i had a backup
plan but my parents were still very very encouraging and supportive yeah i i that was never in my mind to be honest i was i knew i wanted to be with you and so i was like to my mom even if we end up living in a really tiny house just by like near the
temple that i used to go to and just i know that i want to spend my life with him so whatever it ends up being and you were really really enthusiastic and you had so much purpose and even from the beginning like you were so driven to do whatever you wanted
to do i didn't know what that was at the time but you were so driven that i just knew whatever it was whatever we were meant to be was what was gonna happen and so and i knew you would never you're always like gonna be there to take care of me
and i felt that from the beginning like i always felt supported you wanna hold hands yeah i'm not good at pda so i'm gonna not do that oh my god [Music] it was it was really nice and i feel like he had a lot of the qualities that i always felt
i would always grow up saying oh i really want a husband that was like my dad like i love my dad and he was always someone that i felt very protected and supported by and so i just definitely now looking back at it i felt those qualities in him as i got to know him
and so i thought yeah that was that was nice and my parents yeah my parents my parents and kerry that i always thought it would be you know you always think in indian families that's going to be an issue but they loved him from the start he's
got really good i don't know what you guys have noticed but he's got a really good way of saying things and and winning people over by his words so it's real though i know that's why it's genuine and it's sweet so from those interactions i think my parents trusted
him very easily as well um i really get along with your parents i know yeah and it was so great for me because amy was already like my sister and me and your mom got along straight away because we bonded over food and so yeah it was
really easy for us both to to join into each family but yeah another thing i think that's really important at the start of a relationship is self-awareness and setting expectations so i feel that having done the work as a monk and having been through that
experience myself i'd gained so much self-awareness so i was really aware of what type of partner i needed in my life i was really aware of what i needed in my life to flourish to thrive and so when i met someone it was very easy for me
it was very easy and simple for me to communicate my expectations to her and be like i i remember one of the things i said and this is not offensive at all it's genuinely how i felt at the time and i said that if you want a husband who goes to ikea on the weekends and to the
cinema like i'm not that guy and i didn't mean that as a bad thing if anyone is that what i meant that as is i want to be someone who lives their lives of purpose and i want my life to be about service and i want my life to have
an impact on people's lives and i need a partner that's going to understand that embrace that and roll with that as well and wants to live not a normal life because that wasn't going to work for me if i really wanted to have an impact if i really wanted to
make a difference if i really wanted to serve and so that wasn't an ego thing it wasn't me thinking i'm better or above or special it was me saying this is a priority for me and i don't need it to be your priority but i need you to understand it to be
mine and i think this is really important that we should feel that if we're genuinely committed to something when you make someone aware and same back from her side too like when she and she'll share hers but when she's made me aware of what her priorities are and
what's important to her you start respecting what's important to the other person rather than expecting them to trade theirs right and that's usually what happens in relationships in the beginning is instead of showing respect
for the other people's passion you expect them to change their passion for yours or compromise and be excited about your stuff and and i don't think that that's the right way i think it's us being clear about ourselves communicating that and then respecting
what the other person communicates yeah i think we discussed that really early on actually yeah just to be clear he has come to ikea with me on the weekends and movies um but you know i understood the point of it and i remember at that time when
he was really pushing for what he wanted to do um he was very very busy and so there were certain things i mean he spent a lot of time with me and my family but we had just agreed that look if there was extended things that i had to go to
because with families there's always other things that you have to go to like family friends or relatives houses for every event possible and if that happened then i knew that i was okay with him not coming to them and i said that to him
from the beginning if you need to go and do something which is i know for you more important not because for the purpose that you want to live then i totally understand that comes above you just coming to another party which people are not probably
going to remember like it's okay um and i think that was really actually really important for us because you can always hear what other people say like family members or friends or whatever will always have a different opinion and so as long as you feel like
you have discussed it and you really understand that person's point of view then you don't feel kind of it doesn't rub off on you when people say things because you understand it deeply whereas if you don't then i think it's really easy to
get swayed by other people's view of life or other people's way of relationships or whatever it is like you can get that can rub off on you very easily but if you really understand that person and why they're doing it i think
that can make a big difference to you supporting them in why then why they're doing it thank you the first question that i have from our team is what do you find hardest about love i was actually thinking about this this morning when i think about coming and
speaking here speaking here coming and speaking to you um and i was thinking about how you know a lot of the time when you end up feeling um annoyed at your partner or irritated in some way or when they really annoy you um i actually actually made me realize
that a lot of the time you know they say it ends up being a reflection of you and i think a lot of when i think about what ends up like when we have our like petty arguments or whatever it is i feel like it's actually because it hits at a sore point of me
realizing that it's it's my whatever we're arguing about how i'm reacting it's my weakness and a lot of the time that stubbornness and so i feel like whenever we i think that's quite that's quite a difficult thing when it comes to
relationships or love is that the other person because you spend so much time with them and because um you know they they know you better than anybody else that they end up being a reflection of actually you so every time you end up having interactions with them that
aren't that great actually a lot of the time you can sit there and be like maybe that had a lot more to do with me how i reacted rather than that other person but sometimes it's them too that's a really good answer that's a really good answer i think that's such a
good point i was i think what i'm saying is i would second that and to give another answer to give a different answer i also feel the hardest thing in a relationship is you're always projecting your strengths onto the other person's
weaknesses so you want the other person to be more like you but when you really think about it you don't like you yeah yeah you love the other person for not being like you but when you say things like i'll give an example that i'm
super organized disciplined lived by the schedule on time who am i and and and at times in our relationship i've wanted you to become like that yeah and do things like me and when i've really sat with that and really thought with that i realized
actually i don't want you to be like me because i love you for not being me yeah and the things that you bring to this relationship whether it's spontaneity whether it's being fresh whether it's being always alive like that's the strength
and i think what we do in relationships is we dampen our partner's strengths instead of amplifying them yeah and what that does is it makes your partner feel like they have to do something different or be something different but actually if you amplify
their strengths which is the part you love anyway yeah you're going to have a much more fulfilling and exciting relationship so i think that i find that hard because i think we all live in our heads yeah it's so true and we think the way we think is
the right hey what do you want to do tomorrow and you're like well i kind of have a nine to five like six schedule ready to go for the next like six months and i'm like oh so you don't want to go shopping with me or you don't want to go to like get some
plans and yeah no i agree and and i feel like it's but i also think from from that that you know it also helps even if you're not doing even if you feel like it's a negative thing to um to notice that and to um to try and correct it in the same way i
think you can also help the other person tighten up on that area of their life too like okay cool you may be super organized and i may be not very organized at all but at the same time we can find like a good middle ground when
we're together where it's like okay you know that i like being spontaneous so maybe randomly you'll be like okay cool like what you do you're like oh you know i won't i'll just cancel my meeting or i'll i'll i won't do this and let's just
go do this and for me i'm like oh okay and i i know that i try to be a little bit more organized where i'm like okay i need to make sure i do this today i need to make sure i give you this today like whatever it is like trying to trying to make that better as well
because even though it's a strength in some ways every strength ends up being a weakness in some way too so i think it helps you know kind of balance it out as well and and help the other person notice when they need to probably change a little bit
absolutely okay second question is how did your relationship change in 2020 how did you i kind of feel like this felt like our like first year of marriage because we um probably well no not probably we have not spent this much time together in our whole entire
relationship and so i kind of feel like for me it felt like we were on our honeymoon type field where we just got married and we were learning so much more about each other but but then we ended up um yeah just just really understanding one another and
settling into each other a lot better than we probably even have for the past how many have been married like three years four years i've nearly been married five years nearly five years but it feels like one year um but yeah no i
think it really made us um it really helped us understand each other better it helped us get into a rhythm together which i don't feel like we ever really had a rhythm together um and so i think it's actually changed um in most like in i can't think of any
ways that it's changing and negative i really think that it's improved our relationship through figuring a lot of stuff out but it's definitely got to a point now where i'm like oh wow this that whole year was definitely a good jump or a good
step up for us yeah i'd have to say one of my favorite things was it was the first year where we started doing a lot of physical activity together because we always go and like travel together or something like that but it
was the first year we started actually working out and exercising together yeah so we used to go on hikes up griffiths park and then runyon and then we'd go on walks and just so many opportunities to be in nature together because we weren't going to the gym and
then we were doing in-home workouts together with a virtual workout and we'd put our playlist on with that song that you were talking about the other day that's the song of 2020 for me and i just think that we were forced to just spend so much time together but we
actually found ways to do things we enjoyed together i think we actually realized that um we were spending time together in the wrong ways before like i feel like that's what it made us realize that we thought going shopping together
or going to watch a movie together was like and sitting and watching a movie together were the ways that we would be spending time together and then we realized that actually we just really enjoy doing whether it's like normal things like
working out but it feels so much more fun for us than sitting there and doing something that feel i don't know i don't have to explain it but yeah like something that when we're not talking or we're not interacting um and the focus is somewhere else whereas
this it's like you're completely focused on the activity completely focused on the other person and um it was just so much more fun to do that stuff together even if it is just like working out and or going for a walk or whatever it is but it felt so
much more interactive and like yeah so much more fun yeah and for everyone who's listening and watching this was the year that radhi and i've spent the most actual time together since we've been married yeah and since we were dating
because i'm always traveling she's back at home in london sometimes she's traveling and for us to be in this space together we we had to focus on learning about each other even more so it was a big change for us yeah and
like radi said i i think the same i think it just brought about positives for us thankfully and you know we we grew a lot closer this year yeah and i do think it's also because we it i don't feel like it it felt natural but at the same time it was natural
because we were both very aware and intentional of how we were interacting with the other person because of how bad it's gone in the past i feel like we have been able to use all of those mistakes that we made where we were really trying to figure out a way for it
to be better like we both had the intention of making it better whether it was like quarantine whether it was whatever it was that like i feel like we'd gone through so many times where we tried and it may be like we still weren't understanding each
other we were like no this time we both actually really want to intentionally make an effort to have conversations that we maybe don't have to um resolve things in a way that we don't normally resolve things and so yeah i
think i think that that's also important because it wasn't just like oh this was nice like it just happened this way i feel like it was definitely something we thought about and tried as well i'll do a question for you um i was thinking about this earlier too
like and i was gonna ask you separately but i thought why not ask you on here put you on the spot um what is like okay for example you know in a relationship when one person asks the other person to do something like i always think about this with you because
you always regardless of when i ask you to do something no matter if you're like let's say something simple like we're both sitting watching something and i'm literally like to you oh i really want this and like i haven't even asked you
to do it but you'll literally get up and you'll go and do it for me or like i'll ask you to go get something and you're like you won't even flinch like you'll go out of your way to do it and actually i was thinking about it and like that
seems like such a small thing but i actually feel like it's not because a lot of the time where even if it's with your mom your dad whatever he says oh do i really have to go and get it like can't you just go do it yourself but you i feel have
generally always been like that and so i'm just gonna ask you because i think it'll be helpful for other people too and helpful for me like what goes through your mind when even if i'm being really irritating or being a brat like what makes you just
continually do that without yeah without like moaning the first thing that goes through my mind is you are such a brat yeah you are you are closer to that light switch right now you are closer to the water container right now yeah why are
you asking me to do this that that's the first thing that goes through my life and then and then my monk mine comes in and there's two sides to it first of all i know you're not asking me because you're trying to make my life difficult you're doing it because you want to be
loved that way and maybe yeah and and i think that when you realize if you're in a loving trusting relationship you start realizing that your partner's requests even if they seem unreasonable and irrational a lot of the time that's just how you want to
be loved in that moment and when you see it in that way yeah you go yeah of course i want to love you in that way because you're not doing it to hurt me because i know you love me you're not doing it to upset me you're obviously not doing it to irritate me
so then the only reason you could be doing that is because you need some love right now and you need love in that way or you need connection in that way or you need intimacy in that way and so you're asking for it because it's a request for love
and i think we think of requests for love as like oh give me a hug or i need to talk to you we think of those things but actually it's the day-to-day moments in the small things where someone's saying please love me please see me please show up for me
please bring me a snack please bring me a snack and and i think we mistake that language because we think oh that person's being so irritable so demanding so demanding and maybe they are and and that's something that you have to check for
yourself so if you are that person rather then then you have to check for yourself whether it is demanding and stubborn or whether it is a request for love yeah for yourself but i've made it in my mind that i believe
you love me and so if i believe you love me then i should believe that this is you asking for love and so but if i didn't believe you loved me and i was then it was so annoying then it would be really annoying yeah and so it doesn't mean that i don't have
that thought it doesn't mean that i don't get internally frustrated with you for a second and then straight after that this kicks in and that walks me through it and i think when when people sometimes say to me like oh well haven't you got
it all figured out i'm like no the first thought is never the thought that has it all figured out the first thought is always oh gosh whatever whatever whatever yeah it's the second thought it's it's taking that time to have that second thought rather than reacting to
the first yeah yeah so that's the answer to that question that's great thank you i've always wanted that i have actually so this question came in from our team it says tell me about a time where you think we've made a compromise and
how did it work out i'm going to go first i know the first thing you're going to say is i don't believe in compromises in relationships you know me so well so that's exactly what i was gonna say i was like as soon as i hear the word compromise i have a
i have a very interesting relationship with the word compromise because i believe that compromise makes you feel that both of you are giving up something you want for something you both don't want oh yeah which doesn't make any sense repeat
that repeat that rewind that's a good point go on have a have a j moment so so i have a really interesting relationship with the word compromise because i don't understand what compromise means is that you're both giving up something you both want
for something both of you don't want that's what a compromise is so it feels like one person is getting what they want and the other person is not getting what they want that's what a compromise is whereas what i have tried to live by in our
relationship is i want you to get what you want and i want to get what i want now if that doesn't mesh all the time or if that doesn't connect all the time then the only thing that's being compromised is this false view that we should always
feel the same way about everything and i think that just makes that actually makes space for resentment it makes space for bitterness it's almost like think about this everyone who's listening and watching think about this for a moment imagine
i gave up what i wanted to do all the time to be where radhi wanted me to be i'm going to be feeling upset i'm going to be thinking i should be doing this or i could be doing this and then you develop bitterness towards the other person where you can't even respect and
appreciate them and if you were always dragged to what i'm doing you may be thinking well i could be doing this or i could be doing that and what ends up happening is i feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together we say that
again you actually end up you actually end up moving further further away you actually end up moving further away by forcing yourself to be together yes when actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space
so that's my relationship with the word compromise we've both been very happy for the other person to live freely to do what they want to do and without pressure of being like okay cool it's my friend's birthday for example and if you're not that interested in
coming or i'm not that interested in coming with you it's not like oh my gosh but you have to come like we're a couple we can't go places without one another like we're just okay cool like you don't need to go and we understand that too
it's like yeah it's gonna be boring for you like you don't need to come with me and we're very good at making it quite clear if something is important to us whether it's family stuff whether it's whatever say okay cool you don't need to
come to this family thing but i would really appreciate it if you could make some time and and come here and so i think it's also that where it doesn't feel like a compromise if one the you know that it's that it's the same thing as what you were saying about the
bringing me water or snacks it's like you know that the person loves you and so if they if you make explicitly clear what's valuable to you and they still don't feel and you still don't feel heard by them then that's one thing but like if i know that you love me and you
know what's important to me i feel like you always know when you need to show up and if for example you haven't and i may not have communicated it to you if i tell you afterwards it's always like oh i'm so sorry i had no idea that's how
you felt um and so yeah i think it's important one like letting the other person know what is of value to you and whether it's actually that important not being like oh come with me and the person says no and then you're like oh okay fine like it's it doesn't have to
be like that it can be a oh but please i really i like this is really important to me so it's being is communicating and letting you know about that and also yeah understanding that the other person loves you and that if they are saying no
it's not because they're trying to hurt you it's because they maybe genuinely have something that's more important to go to or to do yeah and i think you're right that you that's a really good point because you expect the other person to read your
mind and to know why it should be important to you and yeah yeah yeah you often have that thought like you should know this is important to me yeah but but the truth is that in every relationship like no one knows until you
explain to them and i think in our love relationships and our romantic even in our friendships yeah we just expect everyone to fully know what we value yeah it's like with even with family for example just if if someone is really
close to their family you expect in your mind that they realize that that's an important thing but if for example that person is not that close to their family in their mind it's like oh it's my uncle's birthday come to my uncle's birthday and you're like i won't even go
to my own not you but generally someone else might be like oh i won't even go to my own uncle's birthday because i'm not that close to them so i think it's like you are expecting the other person to live how you live and how you have your
relationships or how you value things and it's it's an unfair expectation because people have been through so many different things in life awesome all right next question on the list next up is we both have such hectic schedules in life and lots of work going on and
all our commitments how do we find time to spend time alone and time with each other i guess that a lot actually i have so many so my family member is always like but does he have time to spend with you like do you guys have time and i was
speaking to one of my um family friends the other day and she was just like are you sure you guys spend time with each other and i was like yeah we spend a lot of time together but but i can understand why people may think that but
yeah you know what i don't feel like we've ever really felt i i feel like even if we've had the moments where we've had like months apart we do make an effort that when we are together especially recently within the past year or two years would you say you say two
years we've started doing yeah we started doing a thing where we make sure that we have at least a weekend that we spend solid together and sometimes that's more time that you spend together even if you were seeing someone every
single day for like a month because it's condensed time it's it's intentional and it's um with the sole purpose to spend time together and communicate um and be together in a meaningful way so yeah we definitely um make that time but
it's also because we choose to do that yeah i think we both thankfully gravitate towards quality time versus quantity of time and so we'll both be like well if we're both tired today we'd rather not force ourselves to try and spend time together and give each
other space or give each other time to decompress and this weekend we'll make sure we spend time together rather than the artificial force of like today we had to spend time together because we promised or we said we would and it's like but maybe we're both not got the
right energy right now we haven't got that presence right now and so i think it's a mutual understanding at the same time i feel like you know they've been different parts in our relationship like i remember when we lived in new york
we probably didn't spend a lot of quality time together because the only time i had off was the weekends and i was busy working sometimes too and you were doing all your courses and your work on the weekends and so i spent a ton of my weekends
alone and you spent a ton of your weeks weekends weekdays alone yeah yeah and if you think back that's that's literally the pattern of our life for two years and then there was travel to london and and everywhere else i was going and i think through all of that it
was always just about savoring those moments it was about really cherishing and realizing that we were in a building phase and so i want to address something here actually that i think will be really interesting for people is
i talk a lot about like the five cycles of life that we all go through so we have learn experiment perform struggle thrive and so these like different stages you go through every year and when we were in new york we were in a build phase of our life like we were
both building we just got married i'd literally just started my career you were discovering your career we were in a build phase yeah and i think when you expect a lot from your partner when you're both building it can be really demanding
but now we're at a stage in our life where certain things we're performing in where i've got a bit of a rhythm and a role and so i'm able to give more time and you're in this different stage in your life and i feel like when you start
looking at your life as stages yeah as opposed to like everything this is gonna be forever forever yeah it's like it can't be that way and there's actually a really good book on this by gary chapman and i think it's called the four seasons
of love or the four seasons of marriage or relationships and it talks about how is your is your relationship right now in the season of summer winter spring or autumn now when i think about this i think that all of us want our relationship to always be in summer i
mean i like winter but oh yeah okay yeah you just really well oh yeah yeah we always want our relationship to be in summer in the sense that it's hot it's passionate it's cool it's like everything's good about summer right we all look forward to summer but maybe
your relationship's at a point in life right now as this book says that your relationship might be in winter it's going for a dark period a cold period where you just got to stick it out together yeah when i think about new york
yeah when i think about us in new york it was a bit of winter and spring yeah like it was a bit of winter and spring and autumn's like where you've got to let go and you've got to shed and i think about when we first started dating there were moments where our
relationship was in autumn yeah well we were just letting things go and purging and removing energy i know when you were going to yoga classes and yeah yoga teacher training so i just i think that book's a great model and that reflection that i've had
for a while that your life goes through stages and seasons and stop trying to make every day and every week summer yeah i really love that that's so cool what a great book yeah i had a reflection i started researching and then i found the book
and the way i was thinking about it is like if you know it's winter you take an umbrella out yeah it's winter you put a coat on yeah but if you think it's summer you keep expecting your partner to you know anyway so this is an interesting question what
film or tv show do you think offers the best example of a healthy relationship oh my gosh that's such a good question i automatically in my mind go to um this is us because one of my favorite shows ever i've never seen it you've never seen it but it's so good
and um we love chrissy our good friend love chrissy um but there are actually really lovely examples of couples who like make it through stuff in that whether it's like the main couple i'm sure to be honest most people have probably seen it
you just odd one out but um yeah the the main mum and dad and then there's um sterling what's his name sterling brown sterling the actor yeah probably yeah i think that's something sterling or sterling something you'll know who i mean uh but
their relationship is amazing because they go through so many ups and downs but they're so good at communication and i i feel like that's a very good show to show very different types of relationships even chrissy's relationship with her partner her
husband on the show they're all so different in the relationships and the way they communicate but they show very good um yeah very very realistic and and uh useful relationships i feel yeah so good i actually struggle with this
question because i think hey i don't watch a lot of tv shows but i do watch a lot of movies and i think growing up i had a really unhealthy view of love because of movies it's so true so i grew up watching bollywood movies a lot and i remember thinking that
that's what love had to look like yeah like a flower comes up in the middle when two people are about to kiss yeah they do in bollywood or like you're all like dancing around and like there's all this like field there's all this puppies
yeah and like music's playing when you fall in love i'm running towards you in slow motion and my hair naturally falls like this yeah and you're coming towards me and then it cuts because they don't show anything else in bollywood films yeah
back in the day and so so that's what you i grew up with unhealthy projections of love yeah and the the thing that comes to mind when i am thinking about this apart from the last dance michael jordan documentary which doesn't show marriage
but shows like love in a team and camaraderie and collaboration i'll try and find a bit more of a i i actually think the happy place uh the good place sorry the good stuff i always call it the happy place kristen bell's character eleanor and her relationship with chidi
like the way it shows relationship dynamics is really interesting about like what is a good relationship what is support what is friendship like i think it answers a lot of deeper questions yeah that is such a good show it's such
a great show i'm enjoying it so much and we came to it late but but we're loving it yeah and i just think it has so many good messages so i'd have to go with that okay cool this is us and happy place yeah no is it the good place good place yeah i call it the happy place
as well and and yeah and i'm going back to what the shows i grew up and i grew up on the oc and desperate housewives both not good good examples of relationship ideas and and friends you grew up on which again did you get i wouldn't say it's like the best
relationship stuff it's just comedy and yeah but i agree with movies it's for girls and for guys i guess i guess i didn't think that it was such a big thing for guys because you never i don't know growing up i always think guys just
like i'm thinking about like romance in that stage of their life but for girls i think for sure you're just always seeing how like the the girls like the damsel in distress and the guy like saves him saves her and i think it's um yeah movies mess you up
okay this is an interesting question do have you ever experienced doubt in our relationship and how do you express doubt [Music] i guess maybe like right at the beginning when um i'm trying to think i'm sure i did write the beginning and then like you know
just before you're getting married and like everything's like a bit confusing and there's just so much going on because of wedding and then you're like oh my gosh i have to get married to this person really yeah i think probably just i guess just
at the beginning when everything was so up in the air because like you know as uh i'm sure in most cultures but in our culture it's like the man should have a job and the man should be the bread winner and like which is not true you
should have no which is not true but and he should have everything figured out before you get into a relationship with that person like everything should already be set before you even think about marriage um and we really didn't have that
and so i think probably the beginning but i was so lucky because my mum and dad really were just so okay that i naturally feel doubts can come into your mind when other people get in your mind um but i think i was quite sure i felt like i felt like
straight away i knew i had a connection with you i knew that your values and the person that you were um i i just knew we would be able to grow so deeply together um and that's really what i was focusing on and then i was so
lucky that the rest of everything else fell into place but and i'm so grateful for that but i i knew that the core thing that i wanted in the relationship was there for us to grow deeper in our spiritual lives together and that was the main focus for me and then
yeah and then we started having fun i was like oh he is fun like he's just not just like a teacher and like just so deep but you also were so fun and and all the things that i maybe hadn't thought about was important to me slowly started coming i was like oh that is
really important to me gosh i didn't realize that at the beginning that that's what i wanted um but yes the doubt was definitely um was definitely like taken away by me constantly going back to the fact that i wanted to be in that relationship
with you for that reason and um yeah yeah that's a that's a good honest answer yeah i think i think my only doubt was always and and it's funny because it's so hard to express this because i remember it was really funny when your family
had mentioned this to you and it was like are you sure he's not going to run back and be a monk back to the monastery and it's so interesting because my only doubt in our relationship previously not anymore had ever been that should i have been alone yeah so my
doubt was never like you or another person or if you were the right person yeah it's always been it's either you or me being alone and and i think that comes from me loving being alone and spending so much time alone and i think there was a part
of our relationship where because i was spending long periods on my own yeah i always considered that and i and i had that consideration of like oh is this what i'm meant to be doing like should i have done this like i and i think a bit part
of my doubt came from a came from a bit of sadness that i was like oh am i taking her away from her family am i taking her you did her dreams am i taking like that was where my doubt of should i have been alone came from was oh no maybe i'm like for my pursuing of
my purpose which i'm really dedicated to totally yeah am i taking her away that was where my doubt came from that am i so selfish that maybe i should be doing my purpose alone why should i drag someone else on my journey and i
actually think in the beginning i probably felt that way too like i i probably when we went to new york it definitely felt like compromising because i felt like the only thing i really had at that time in my life that i truly valued and felt i was very
concrete in was my family and that's what my whole life revolved around and so i guess at the beginning because i hadn't matured in my thoughts of of what this relationship was i did feel like that and i and i remember there used to be times i was like well
um i can't remember but i'm sure that there were moments where in my mind and felt like well we have to go back for my family to do this because you've taken me away anyway like you've taken me to new york and so now we have to do this
because i want to do this or we have to like you need to do this for me because we've done this for you and um yeah but but i but i definitely now looking back i realized actually it was all so much more for like it so i i don't feel that way at all anymore but i
can um yeah i can i can relate i probably had those feelings a little bit at the beginning that you're you're probably feeling from me no it's good i i think these are great conversations to have and what's interesting about these conversations
though is that sometimes you don't have them in the moment yeah if you don't monitor that well that could end up breaking something definitely and we're lucky that it didn't i feel like it could have there if i hadn't if if i then didn't
choose to like figure out what was going on with me and i was projecting that all on you and making it feel like it was it was the issue was our relationship or the issue was you but really it was me having a lack of awareness of myself
that i had to i had to do that otherwise i think i would have constantly kept blaming on that and constantly felt that way and i have so much admiration for you and respect for you because of that because i think that it's so easy i was always trying to compensate and
help in whatever way i could but i feel like you doing that is what's made our relationship so strong is that you've just really worked hard on the last few years of finding yourself discovering yourself working and you've tried a lot of things like
yeah you've it's not been easy and you know i i feel like i found my thing when i was 18 and i've been doing it for 15 years and it's funny for me to think that because a lot of people online are like oh jay you've only been doing this online for like three or four
years and i've been doing this for 15 years but for you i've watched you since that we've met which was you know sorry since we've been together which is what nearly eight years now and i've seen you like try this try that
experiment with this and actually it's been really amazing why don't you tell people about how you feel your journey's been of discovering your real passion because i think people see you now and you've got your amazing youtube channel and your instagram page
and all the wonderful stuff you're doing and people may think oh yeah rather just and yes you've always had this energy that everyone loves you for and that i i fell in love with you for but the way you're expressing it now has
definitely evolved right yeah definitely i to be honest i feel like i had no idea what i was doing until till beginning of or like what march last year um when all of this started happening and it was the first time i had to literally sit there and be like oh crap
i have no excuse of oh i can't do this because i have to go with jay traveling like i can't start my own thing because you know i'm never really in the country and it's really difficult i just want to focus on what jay has and i'm just there
to support him and i realized as much as that was true and i did want to do that it was probably a big um covering for me not wanting to actually figure out what i wanted to do because everything just felt so scary to start something um and yeah it just kind of
stripped all of that away where i i was like no i have to fill my days with something that feels meaningful and and figure out what that is to me and how that looks to me and so i just started and yeah i definitely tried so many
different ways and different things whether it was like i made a did a website during that time and you know it's not the best website but it's like the website that i started off with and i put so much effort into it did like 100 recipes within
what a couple of months because i really focused on it and and it just showed me because i was such a person that i would start something and as soon as i felt a little bit overwhelming or even felt like it was getting good or succeeding in some way i'd be like oh my
gosh that means i have to take another step forward and i'm not sure i want to do that okay let's just shut it down and go somewhere else and do something else and i and i i realized that pattern that i had and so i was really determined to
not do that with this because it i almost like get in my own way of being a failure but in my mind being a failure because i choose to not take the next step not because anything else comes in my way but because the fear of the next step would always
scare me scary enough to not want to take it and so it was really amazing actually i was like just looking at myself from an like outside perspective and i was like oh my gosh i never ever thought she could do this like i never thought i could do
that i never thought i would actually still be making recipes i thought it was like something i do for a month and then get bored and be like i can't bother to to keep adding onto this website anymore but um yeah and then and then i did my
decided to try my youtube thing which oh my gosh took so long to actually start because of fear again pushing me away from it but i just i mean you've always been so amazing and supportive in that constantly like you see everything happening for me before i
even dream about it and i think it's just been so nice because whenever i've had doubts you've been so amazing at helping me through them practically where it's either it's in like a supportive way of just love but a lot of the time it's really taking the time to
have the conversation with me and i avoid the conversations and you're like okay what do you need to do next like what is it i'm like i don't want to talk about it right now i haven't figured it out and i just don't want to speak about
it but you constantly would help like push me through because you saw that i was coming from a place of fear not because i actually didn't want to and i think that's really important too it's like i know with a lot of your stuff like 99
of time you don't necessarily need to speak to me about it but there are certain times that you do want to discuss things and vice versa like i obviously like this i obviously need um you to input in a lot more of my stuff because i feel like you've done a lot of
the things that i've done and i really appreciate your advice for it um but i think there is so much of the support being in so many different ways throughout the times that i needed it and um yeah i just i typically don't know how i
did how i got here but i'm really happy that i did it i'm so happy because i never expected myself to be able to do that ever and i i just genuinely feel for any everybody else that's listening to this that i was like that's where my spontaneity
that can be a strength and ended up being something that was such a weakness for me in the areas where i wanted to commit to something and um yeah i just i honest and i'm not just saying this genuinely if i can do it ask my mom she will tell you if i can do it
i 100 know that other people can whatever it is that you love doing just try it out and um yeah if i can do it oh my gosh you all can definitely do it but enough about me what i genuinely love about the way you're doing it though is that even
though you have become more organized and disciplined and focused to figure this out you haven't lost who you are yeah and i think that's the hardest part and i love seeing that in you like each and every video the amount of effort you put in
i know the amount of effort that goes behind the scenes when you're about to launch a video and like your nerves and your excitement and you just want to make everything so wonderful for everyone and i love that i love that even though you've become
organized and focused and disciplined and all those things that you've had to learn that you haven't lost yourself in it because i think that's possible too so i i love watching it and it makes me really happy and and what you were just saying at the end
you know there's there's an old relationship rule of like don't keep the score and it's been said for many many years of like don't keep score in a relationship but often score feels like oh i did this favor what did someone else do
and what i've realized is that score should not be kept energetically and so what i mean by that is i really feel that you carry the relationship sometimes emotionally and so i may be carrying it mentally but you're carrying it emotionally and so if
you're only looking at the mental score right i'll be going like oh well i'm doing everything why are you not doing anything mentally like you're not planning you're not setting goals you're not doing this but that's because i'm
only measuring it on my scorecard and i think it's so important to be like well there are so many different scorecards there's physical financial mental emotional spiritual there are five scorecards first of all it shouldn't be a scorecard
but i'm saying there's five types of offering in a relationship and you're only ever looking at the one you give but it's also useful to think of it in that way like you're saying there's not scorecards but i think it's useful because i think naturally we all
have tendencies to want to be the hero or like want to be the person that like oh but i've done this and i've done that and so actually looking at it in that way allows you to see where your strength is in your school card but then realize
hopefully where the other person is also contributing so i think yeah um but yeah that's so that's really a good way of putting i've never thought of it in that way yeah no i've thought about that so many times i think whenever i've been in that position of
like oh i'm doing so much for this relationship and and i do there are times when i feel like i'm like yeah i'm doing this and then you just stop and you're like that's just stupid because there are so many levels you carry the relationship
on totally and and i encourage everyone to do that with their partner is just really look at like where are you carrying the relationship and where are they carrying the relationship and i promise you that someone in your relationship is carrying something
and if they're not carrying anything then sure that's that's not a great relationship but i think there are so many relationships where we miss what someone's doing i think that really stops you from um and actually having i didn't think of it in that way but
whenever i do think about when i'm irritated at something or when i feel that way thinking about it in your way and sometimes i have thought about it in that way it makes you really not be selfish like it makes you a lot of the
times if you feel that way you can end up stopping yourself from continuing continuing to do that or continuing to be the person carrying this section but i think when you think of it as these other four areas that could that other person may be helping in or carrying it
stops you from limiting yourself and what you can give and and realizing that actually i could be giving everything in this category and that's okay because he's giving everything in this category and i don't want that category so i'm good for him
to handle that um and so yeah i think like one that just reminds me of all the the stuff i always get like even when i put up cooking stuff or i'll get dm just being like you know does jay ever cook for you and does jay do this for you and
i'm like no and it doesn't irritate me at all because i don't like doing finance stuff like it may be such a cliche of like how you know i like being in the kitchen but it's out of choice like i love being in this it's not because you're a woman it's not because
i'm a woman that's what i mean yeah yeah yeah and like sometimes when you there's been times remember when like some days i'll be like um someone will you'll be like oh someone's come to a house and you're like yeah this is her
work area and some people don't even know what i'm doing and i'm like are we both laughing yeah i always i always show people my office which is where we are now yeah and then when we get a kitchen i will say and this is riley's office and i don't mean it in a
condescending or sexist way at all it's actually her office yeah like that's where you experiment and that's where you create recipes and yeah but but yeah i just think it's it's really it's really important that because i do still
always get people but like does it it doesn't annoy you that he doesn't cook doesn't it he doesn't even want to try or make you your meal and i'm like no because i really don't want to learn about this that he does and he manages and i think it's so important
because you can get so wrapped up in what other people do for each other in relationships and what other people are carrying for each other in relationships and you see this one aspect of and you're like oh well why doesn't he carry that for me
and why doesn't she carry that for me or do that for me and and i think it's so important because it can really yes stop you from giving as much as you should be or want to be giving in a relationship because you're putting up
your own barriers and telling yourself that you shouldn't because he's not giving enough exactly all right couple more questions go on then uh this is a good one when are you most scared to be vulnerable with your partner when are you most scared to be
vulnerable like when are you scared of like being really honest and open i'm thinking [Laughter] sometimes when um you know like if i'm supposed it's like you've already given me advice on something and then like i'm kind of asking for like again and i'm like
really confused about something again and you're really nice about it but sometimes i feel like it's you know when i know you're going to tell me something that i don't necessarily want to hear because you've already told me before and i don't
necessarily want you to give me the answer because i know you're right that makes me really annoyed so sometimes i don't feel like being vulnerable about how i'm feeling because i know the answer you're gonna give and that i don't want to hear it
[Laughter] i so what do i need to be to help you be more vulnerable no i think it's more me no seriously no no i think it is this is very much so just me i think it's me just wanting to be stubborn and not wanting you to be right
that's like a recurring theme in this podcast right now i'm not stopping i'm not allowed to say it that's the thing that's the rule of life i'm not allowed to repeat something she said you know that makes me look good i'm like yeah i should really tidy up
after myself forever he's like yeah yeah we should have you know tell me you don't like tell me that i should tidy up but i'll tell myself if i'm gonna tidy up after myself okay i i feel most i'm trying to think i i think the time i feel most vulnerable is
like when i spent a lot of money on something i feel like that's it but i'm trying to think of it like oh yeah like when you tell me not to oh yeah make sure you just park properly and don't ruin the rims i'm like if i want to wear the rims i'll ruin the
rooms okay no that no but i don't feel one i say that to you i'm trying to think of some when am i scared of being vulnerable with you when am i scared of being vulnerable with you wait i don't send them anything no like if i've just bought like a
really expensive suit oh you don't want to tell them yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah if i've just bought an expensive suit for like an award ceremony because he knows he's got a goody wife yeah so i get scared of being like yeah this time as a suitcase because i'm
wearing it and what do i always say i'm like that's okay it's for your work yeah every time yeah yeah you know you're always nice in my mind i always i'm like it's for your work it's fine no you're nice about it i think i think
it's a silly thing just because of upbringing raising yourself it's not you it's not you at all you you never stop me um and then i'm trying to think what i'm trying to think like sometimes with health stuff yeah you know why because sometimes like
because i'm cooking for him i take things quite personally and so sometimes if you try so hard no i know i know that's not but i feel like sometimes from you i feel you get a little bit worried about saying if something has upset your stomach or if something
hasn't made you feel right um whenever you have been in your ups and downs with your health um or whenever giving you something and i've suggested something and it hasn't worked and i'm like but why isn't it work like i just don't
understand and i think it makes you vulnerable and i get quite defensive no no no i don't think so but you're trying to like i i don't think you get defensive i think you try really hard and so it's hard for you because you're trying to figure out so many ways to
support me or help me yeah yeah and you don't want to you don't want it to go wrong and this is what it always comes back down to it's like when you trust the person loves you you know that someone even being defensive is out of
love yeah i am defensive though about it to be honest no but i i don't i think that comes from the fact that you're trying so hard yeah yeah maybe because i'm just like oh what and it's hard when you're not in control of something and
you're trying to be in control of it um but yeah i feel like that's what i know is you're you are a little bit scared to be vulnerable because you want to tell me but you also don't want to upset me or or like that's a good answer yeah yeah that's a good
answer i don't yeah i never want you to feel like you're trying really hard and it's not working on something because i don't think that's fair because it's not necessarily your responsibility or like when you want to play playstation and you pretend like
it's like a work meeting with your partner and never say that away and really you just want to play playstation together but you're like it's for work and i'm like yeah it's just because you want to play okay another one you're giving way too
many well as well okay so we're on to the final two segments which is fill in the blank and final five fill in the blank and finally yeah so fill in the blank is you fill in the blank at the end of the sentence we're both gonna say it all right yeah
okay are you ready i'm ready i feel most supported by my partner when i feel like we did this last time yeah but not the same question i feel most supported by my partner when he brings me snacks when i don't even ask for them that never happens no
that's why i just don't feel it right now no i feel most that's my answer you go i feel most supported by my partner when i bring you cut up fruit no i mean that's a fun one yeah but he likes his fruit cut up when he's eating it like a little baby
because his mum used to do it for him when he was younger and when he goes back every single time his mom cuts his fruit up into a little bowl and um he has a little assortment of fruit bowl every day and he's like you know i
really love it when my fruits cut up so um that's what i've been doing cutting up fruit midday halfway through my work day i haven't had it today tomorrow sitting there cutting up fruit for this king over here cut up fruit makes him make some support
feels the boy my honest answer was going to be when my partner's present with me like when i feel like you're really fully present okay commitment means commitment means commitment means commitment means commitment means like showing up in different ways for
one another when the time is right knowing knowing when is your time to show up and knowing when it's their time show up yeah i think commitment means mutual love boundaries agreements connection like when it's mutually created
that you create a plan together you create boundaries together you create expectations together that's what commitment means and then you honor those totally conflict can bring conflict can bring well let's just say i box so conflict can bring god
i'm joking i don't do that to him um conflict can bring deeper love i was going to say something like that no you weren't i was no you weren't you chose boxing complicated saying conflict can bring um really good like makeup meals
whenever we wake up we're going oh let's go get some like coca-beta creamery ice cream is that really what happened that's why we haven't had it for so long because we haven't had to make up we haven't really had many fights lately let's pick one now so there we go
so then we can have coca bella final five so these are one word or one sentence yeah stop giving such long answers [Laughter] what's one thing you recently discovered about yourself that surprised you that i can commit to things and just maintain
it i always knew this but i guess i forgot it i love exercising with sport i just need to play more sport i need to stop forcing myself so that lovely okay what about our relationship makes you feel powerful they're both on the same page like a lot
of the time i'm like oh i like this and you're like oh me too i'm like oh okay like even if small or big things like we are very much so on the same page and even if we're not we're both kind of okay with coming to an agreement that we both like
that's mine cool my answer is you you you always trust me when the chips are down what was the question again like what may what in our relationship makes you feel powerful yeah i got you so for me i i what makes me feel powerful is when
we're all in you trust me even when things are not working out yeah externally i that makes me feel really confident and stuff i'm glad okay just don't use my chips choose your own what do you think our relationship will be like by our 50th anniversary oh lord
i didn't choose this what do i think i think the better question is how will we celebrate our 50th wedding anyways um my mind's always that with my family with our family we'd have a really nice 50th celebration with the whole family all together
on holiday somewhere sounds great just laying here that's my answer sounds great his would be like just us two on a beach with a tennis court [Laughter] and cut throat i haven't had it today next all right two last questions what about your partner have you grown
to love that you initially disliked i can't think of anything good you go fast no i can't think of many things i just like i'm trying to think of what what i now like about you i think it was your like i think i've just realized that
i think it was what i said earlier like your lack of organization or whatever like i initially that really irked me and then now i'm just like but that's what lets you be spontaneous like that's what lets your ever freshness come out and if you
became all of that thing then you can't you know not saying that you can't be organized like you are organized now and you have become but i mean if you became a an organizational rigid beast and you lose that yeah you lose part of that um
i think mine for you is probably just like your general way of thinking was not something that i was used to that's true that's a good one that's a really good one whether it was the quality versus quantity amount of time because i was not used to that whether
it was um yeah your just general way of thinking where i used to be like oh well maybe i don't do that but then i realized actually is a really good way of thinking and um even though it used to like scare me to things like that
because i felt like i was getting rid of a lot of my old like habits and ways of thinking now i've actually become quite fond of it okay next i love that okay fifth and final question of the whole interview what's the funniest thing that's
happened to both of you the funniest thing that's ever happened to both of us um i was going to say i was going to say that go on well we were a few weeks or months ago someone put us up on this instagram page called sibling revelry and what this page does is that it puts
up pictures of siblings or couples and asks people to vote whether they're siblings or or couples and so they posted a picture of us and i think 60 said siblings and 40 said couple probably 40 who know who we are and it's really funny because all the
awkward pictures on that page are siblings so it's yeah that's probably one of the funniest things that is really funny that was a good good laugh that was good laugh um i can think of another one too go on i remember when we were traveling to
someone's birthday or something when we first started dating and we got lost in the middle that's what i was going to say no way that's literally when i went back to go on no i was thinking of when we were um oh yeah that's what it was
we were going somewhere it was a countryside and then somehow we remember we drove into like a barn or like field area and i was so scared and that was the first time that i was in a very scary situation with you and it was the the time i realized like how you will
always be and always have been sins that like calm my dad has always been this person for me so it was so cool because you literally took on that role of like you are so calm you're so clean even even when you're scared when i was young even if my dad was so
scared he would never ever show he was scared and he'd always have me like i would never feel scared because he was never scared and you literally had i got a glimpse of that with you and i was like oh my gosh i was so scared i was so
scared you did so good that day that was funny and funny now not funny then yeah thank you so much for watching that video if you enjoyed it here's another one i think you'll love instead of criticizing the other person tell them
what you want and tell them what you don't without implying that they're not doing it because then they pay attention only to the fact that you told them you're not doing it and then they will basically do what every human being does which is defend themselves