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You with me, Tommy?
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I That is worse than I remember.
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Hey, what's going on, everybody?
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For First We Feast, I'm Sean Evans, and you're watching Hot Ones.
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It's the show with hot questions and even hotter wings.
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And today, we welcome back our dear friend Tom Segura.
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His latest special Ball Hog is available on Netflix now, and the man is a podcast factory.
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Your Mom's House, Two Bears, One Cave, and Tom Segura en Español, wherever you get your podcasts.
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This season, we're sprinkling in some of our favorite past guests, along with some new faces.
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And who better to welcome to the table than my brother Gavin's favorite all-time Hot Ones episode, my dear friend Tom Segura.
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Tom, welcome back to Hot Ones.
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It's good to be back, Sean.
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Thank you for having me in this new normal.
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And that's good to be with you. Are you in New York?
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Are you on the East Coast? I'm in New York, yes. I can tell by the NYPD. Woo woo.
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I knew you were in New York.
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That's the sound of the police. Round two? Yeah, let's do it. Let's hit it. Yeah. That's nice.
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So, this pandemic strikes me as a unique situation for comedians because on one hand, you have this universal singular topic that everyone can relate to.
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But on the other hand, it's this totally miserable experience that everyone wants to escape.
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And there's been a lot of PR fallout from celebrity singalongs to famous people posting pictures by the pool saying, "I'm bored."
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Why are moments like these so difficult for celebrities to navigate?
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Um because we have like for some reason believe that if you're famous, you are intelligent or um well-informed and know what to do.
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And then we go like, you know, "Hey, this actor really [ __ ] up this moment."
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It's like, "Yeah, well, he's not a thinker. He's a [ __ ] actor."
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We should stop being surprised that actors or singers are like not navigating the waters perfectly because, you know, why would they?
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It It Why It's our own expectations.
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So, we deserve to be disappointed by it.
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I heard you put forth an interesting theory on 2 Bears 1 Cave where you suggested that despite being larger than life, Michael Jordan is a much more relatable celebrity than say John Travolta because of his line of work.
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When you're watching the interviews, the the specifically the interviews with him and and you're you're really thinking about the fact that this guy is as famous as anyone has probably ever been on Earth.
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And you see what that does, that type of fame, what it does to, let's say, entertainers, artists, right?
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Like singers, Madonna, actors, Travolta, Garth Brooks.
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These people get like really famous and they get kind of [ __ ] weird.
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And my theory is that it's all due to sports.
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It doesn't matter how you start in sports, it makes you kind of the same as the next man.
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So, I think when you're around those kinds of people, it sort of brings you down.
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Whereas, if you're an actor, you're a singer, you're around directors, PR people, red carpets.
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It's all about being like, "You're amazing. You're amazing. You're amazing."
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And I think that does something to their heads cuz those three people I listed at the beginning are [ __ ] weird.
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I overdosed, but I'm doing It's for the people, man. Dude. See, that's nice.
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So, for the people was actually a rather poetic segue into this next question because you have maybe the most dialed-in fans I've ever seen.
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Underneath this video right now, I'm sure the comments are just filled with people telling us to keep our jeans high and tight and begging Garth Brooks to give the family closure.
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As someone who understands the art of humor, what is the value of an inside joke to you? I don't know.
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It's like what's the value in a secret?
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It's almost like a It's like when you tell a secret to somebody, you reveal something, and you guys have that bond.
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And with inside jokes, it's like you're just extending that bond.
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It becomes like a secret handshake or like a wink.
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When we did the drive-thru inside joke, people would record themselves doing it and get elaborate.
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And you know, the drive-thru person is like, "Yeah, what can I do for you?"
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And he's like, "Hey, Jean, I was wondering if you could put a hot bag of poutine and Hitler was wondering if you could give me some extra fries with that."
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And the person would be like, "Yeah, no problem."
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Like they would never acknowledge that someone is saying insane [ __ ] to them.
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And that that was definitely one of my favorites. How's this one? Still pretty light? Let's see. Depending on the dose.
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It's a big the big dose on there. That's what's up.
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So, when our friend Bert Kreischer was on the show last, we drew back the curtain on you guys' legendary dance battle, one which Bert seems to freely admit that you won.
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But Bert did seem somewhat hurt that Post Malone didn't like his video.
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How big a deal was it for Missy Elliott to actually reach out to you? Dude, I mean, come on. Come on, dude. That was unbelievable.
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I mean Missy Elliott, it's it's it's hard to describe, you know, what a genius this woman is, right?
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Like and she was a pioneer in the style of songs she was making and of course those of us that grew up with her know that she rewrote the books on music videos. Like she Best videos. Best videos. to another level.
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And one thing that brought me out, she was like "Who do y'all think won?"
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That's That was like her tweet when she retweeted it.
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I was like, "The [ __ ] are you talking about?" It's clear. It was me.
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And then also you dressed up as Sensei Steven Seagal.
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What is it about Steven Seagal that makes him such a prolific target in comedy?
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I mean, it's a number of things.
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Number one, he's the only person that in my in my limited experience in in Hollywood that people are willing and freely to talk immense [ __ ] about.
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Like people who never gossip or like that guy's a piece of garbage.
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And like they'll they'll tell you stories to back it up. Incredible stories.
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I also enjoy that he is on this plan right now to release like seven action films a year. He's like 350 lb.
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He's fighting people sitting down.
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And the the premise of the films will be like, "We're in Afghanistan."
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You're like, "That's Milwaukee.
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I can see that's where the [ __ ] Brewers play."
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Like they don't even try to hide where they are.
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All that combined makes you go like, "Man, [ __ ] this guy." Oh, [ __ ] God damn it. I've been dousing y'all. I've been dousing. Look at that [ __ ] man. Still enjoyable.
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We're still in that spot.
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Still in that sweet spot.
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So recently you made national headlines for comments you made about professional wrestling fans calling them idiots and grouping them alongside flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers.
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How did the backlash this time around compare to some of your past controversies.
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I saw a handful of active wrestlers like threaten to beat your ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Well, we'd have to script it out, but yeah, that would be fine.
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The funny thing about this was it was an off-the-cuff just conversation on a podcast, but at the same time I also like, you know, I don't care.
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I think it's cute that they play pretend.
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I think it's sweet that they have other friends that dress up with them and you know, I think the fans Hey, man, you like what you like, you know?
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Some people like more sophisticated things.
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Some people like playing pretend.
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I think it's cute that that those people do and I support them, you know?
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Comedian Matt McCarthy once compared wrestling to stand up by saying that essentially both are about a man alone seeking justice presented in the most amusing way possible.
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Yes, and I do respect the fact that look, it is fun.
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Like I've already told you I love bits.
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I love silliness, inside jokes.
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And I love that they commit to these things and and and that they're out for their, you know, this it is that that form of entertainment.
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I do respect that they're athletes.
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Some people were like, "Oh, you're trying to say these aren't" No, I think they're they're definitely athletes. They're not fighters.
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There's no such thing as a champion.
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That's my favorite thing about wrestling.
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They're like, "This guy is an eight-time world champion."
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Like, "Oh, yeah, that's cute."
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Well, is the tooth fairy involved?
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I don't know what like you're not a champion if there's not a real competition, but that's Never mind.
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I'm getting I'm getting sidetracked again. They're great.
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All right, Tom, you ready to move on to five?
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I almost accidentally grabbed 10.
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It's dangerous out here when they don't set your table for you. Um all right. How's this one?
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OH, [ __ ] BRO, THAT'S A LOT. THAT'S THAT'S DOSE. That's a big time deuce. All right.
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All right, Tom, as you know, we have a recurring segment on our show called explain that gram where we do a deep dive on our guest Instagram, pull interesting pictures that need more context.
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First things first, as a college football die-hard, do you have a favorite memory from your day doing long snaps at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Nebraska? Haha, that was the best.
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Shout out to Jeremiah Sirles.
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I mean, I feel like that was like that was a dream come true.
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I You know, there's a couple things where you can't believe it's happening to you.
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That environment is what's so great about college football.
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Like, specifically what they do at Nebraska. It was a thrill, man.
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The other one, by the way, that's been amazing is getting to drive press cars.
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So, shout out to Matt Farah of The Smoking Tire.
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I was like, "Yeah, I'd love to be able to do that." He was like, "You can."
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And then there was a McLaren at my house the next day. So, I love it.
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While we're on the topic, what's your experience with TikTok been like so far?
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Well, my experience with TikTok is that I'm married to a TikTok addict.
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But, she has a whole theory on how to experience TikTok the right way.
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She She says that TikTok wants to wants you to see like people scooping ice cream and and playing on the sand, but there is a deeper, darker uh lane of TikToks that you have to find.
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Christina P, her on TikTok, she's @thewaterchannel.
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But, she finds these like meth heads, people committing crimes, uh older oversexed people, and they're really doing amazing work.
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Um I I I don't deserve any of the credit.
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She finds all of it and shares it with me, and it's it really is remarkable.
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TikTok is my favorite social media platform.
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I just found out that my last post was deleted because it violated community guidelines.
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Well, wait till you see what I do next. Oh, [ __ ] God damn it.
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Look at that [ __ ] All right. Oh, yeah. Smoky. Yeah. Mhm. Getting real over here. Yeah, shit's real. Yeah.
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So, I want to ask you about Dave Chappelle's 8:46 set that dropped recently.
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It's interesting to me in many ways because entertainment has found itself really flat-footed in these months of COVID and social unrest.
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Music in particular seems to have dropped the ball completely.
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It hasn't captured anything in the zeitgeist.
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But, if you look at what is breaking through, it seems to be the voices of comedians.
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Does that surprise you at all?
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Or in the comedy world, are people just sort of like, "Yeah, of course it would be that way."
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I don't think it's surprising.
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I mean, there's really, you know, there's amazing prolific thinkers.
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Uh Chappelle's one of them.
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He uh he did something that is really [ __ ] hot, man.
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Um Dave's whole thing has always been like, "If you're not being funny, be interesting."
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It's kind of a master class in that.
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Forget about like the the climate and this.
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See how when he's not getting laughs, you're still so engaged?
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That's really one of the beautiful things about it as as a piece of art, you know?
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He's just that interesting.
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Yeah, it's interesting that you put it that way because there is a lot of talk about whether sets like Chappelle's or Hannah Gadsby's specials are funny in the traditional sense of a stand-up act.
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Do you think that that's just like think piece fodder or do you see something broader shifting?
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Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it's if we're going to see a huge shift in that.
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It's an interesting point.
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Like you could you could see more and more people do it.
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But here's the thing, you better be [ __ ] good at it.
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If you're if you're like I'm not going to joke so much, I'm just going to you know, share my thoughts on something, they better be really interesting. God damn it.
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Yeah, yeah, you're telling me. All right, god damn it.
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Tom, I know your mouth is on fire right now, but we have a treat that'll hopefully bring you some comfort.
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We reached out to two of your buddies in the comedy world and asked them for their burning questions for Tom Segura. So here they are.
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And first up, it is host of tacos con todo, a fellow comedian, Jesus Trejo that has an important question for you Tom Segura. Oh, what's up Jesus?
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Hey Tom, you're probably sweating your ass off right now. I feel for you.
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Uh let me help you out get your mind off of the pain you must be having right now and uh I want to ask you this.
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What was your favorite street joke from when you were a kid?
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Thanks man and good luck.
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All the good ones are pretty racist. But I think oh my god.
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What was What was What was Moby Dick's dad's name?
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What was Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
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All right, up next we have your buddy Bert Kreischer with a very important question.
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Tom Segura, comedian Bert Kreischer, you know who I am.
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If you could replace one actor as a superhero in a superhero franchise, what superhero would you play?
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What actor would you replace?
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And what would you bring to the role that you feel that that actor does not?
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Why did he have so many questions within his question?
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Why do you even allow that?
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It was so Well, who would you who would you be? Why would you be him?
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Why would you think What else do you think you could bring to the party?
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What's your [ __ ] question, man?
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I feel like I would be Batman.
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Which Batman would I replace?
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I mean, Val Kilmer's obviously.
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And what would I bring to I mean, I just just I'm more John Blaze than him, man.
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All right, Tom, careful around the eyes with the napkin.
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Yeah, that was that was pretty [ __ ] dumb. You okay?
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I have a lot of anxiety right now. My mouth hurts.
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And I remember I told your crew I remember how much this [ __ ] sucked.
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I remember the bomb was the one that made me go [ __ ] my life. Yep. You and me both. God damn it. God damn it. All right.
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So like many, I'm having a hard time with basic manners and etiquette during the pandemic.
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So now, with one of comedy's most thoughtful minds in front of me, I thought it'd be a great idea to get the Tommy Buns perspective on these new everyday life challenges.
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There are reports that flushing the toilet releases a plume of potentially COVID-infected particles up to 3 ft in the air.
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Are you flushing public toilets, or is it better to let sleeping logs lie? Oh my god. Oh my god. I'll [ __ ] him. Leave it.
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Buffets, RIP or too big to fail? [ __ ] a buffet. Who's going to buffet? You go to a buffet now?
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With those [ __ ] animals? No way.
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They don't clean that [ __ ] And then, let me bounce a hypothetical off you.
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You see an older woman hobbling towards the exit of a drugstore at the same time as you.
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[ __ ] hit her in the neck. What?
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She's clearly over 70 and has respiratory issues.
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Do you hold the door open, or do you let it slam shut for her to fend for herself? I mean, I'm a gentleman.
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I'm going to hold the door open.
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But I might tell her she should stay home more often.
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Dude, that is worse than I remember. Oh my god, dude. Oh my god.
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Can we just call it a wrap?
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You can always call it a wrap, Tommy.
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No, no, no, we got to go. [ __ ] Oh my god. How hot's this one? Uh very hot, quite hot. Oh.
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Do you have a Mount Rushmore of comedy specials for those of us who've already seen every episode of 90-Day Fiancé.
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How [ __ ] good is that show? It's the best. Damn. Yeah. You got to go Delirious.
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Pick your poison, either Bigger or Blacker or Bring the Pain. Has to be on there. Oh my god.
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Um And then I feel like you got to You have to give one to Carlin.
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You Are All Diseased or Jammin' in New York.
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He was the greatest of what he did, like the style he did.
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He's a great thinker, too, like we were talking about. Like really thoughtful.
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He'd be fascinating to have right now.
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And the last one, I'd probably go with uh Killin' Them Softly. Dave Chappelle. All right, my man.
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Every time I do this I feel like it really helps my sinuses.
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Well, there's one positive. All right, I made a dab. All right, me too. I put it on there. Cheers, buddy. Cheers.
20:55
Okay, Tom, here we are at the end of our meal, 10 blazing hot chicken wings down and only one stumbling block standing between you and sauce Valhalla.
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Last time you were on the show, we We on a high note, and this time around we're hoping to leave fans with the same warm and fuzzy feeling.
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What's DJ Dad Mouth's message of hope to the mommies out there who eagerly await the return of live stand-up? Yo. 2020 [ __ ] sucks. But it's building up.
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It's building up tension and pressure.
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You know what happens when pressure builds up, Sean? What happens? Something pops off, man.
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Something's going to explode.
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We're going to be out there dancing, grooving, laughing, moving together again in huge venues. It'll be fun.
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We'll be able to cough again.
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We'll spit in each other's faces.
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People will be having sex in front of other people, and it'll all be a fun party.
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We'll be together fighting the invisible virus.
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I don't even know what I said.
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I just hope everybody gets their citizenship.
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The streets have spoken, and look at you, Tom Segura, back for another round of Hot Ones, and cleaning the board for the second time.
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And now there's nothing left to do but roll out the red carpet for you, Tom Segura.
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This camera, or possibly a camera B if you set one up, let the people know what you have going on in your life. Oh my god.
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Well, I am podcasting a lot.
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Your Mom's House podcast, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom Segura en español.
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We're doing a lot of original content.
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We're putting it on all our YouTube channels, on Instagram.
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I'll try to get back to stand-up.
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Hopefully I'll be on stage soon.
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And on tour in a city near you. Good job.