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If you are getting crazy nervous on a date, you're already that's already a reflection of the fact that you valued the wrong things.
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One of the biggest problems is people falling for people really quickly, falling in love too fast where it's because they went on a couple of great dates with a guy and they can look at the date and go he was amazing and you should have seen what he did and how he was on the date and all of that.
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I have to always break down is that may not have been about you.
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It is about something he wanted you to feel by the end of the date.
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And not that you know, you I'm a I kind of loathe this culture we have right now where everyone's a narcissist.
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But we call we're so quick to like label.
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He's a narcissist, she's a narcissist.
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Like I'm like not ever like we all have a narcissistic streak and we all exhibit narcissistic behaviors at time.
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That doesn't mean we're a diagnosable narcissist.
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But a narcissistic streak we all have early in dating and to differing degrees the desire to impress rather than connect.
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And so we go on a date with someone and you know, at the height of it if someone's really on the extreme end, they will give the greatest day of someone's life.
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That person goes away and they're like this guy is amazing or this person and they they may have put on an amazing date but you you know nothing yet.
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And what's cool about your wife say you know, going through that process with you is you know, I can imagine for her it's almost like well, I want to see how you are in week four or I want to see how you are in month three or and until you've been there, you really don't know how great of a partner somebody is going to be.
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And that That's what I mean by, you know, when you ask me about what I've really learned about love and and I talked about valuing the wrong things.
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That's one of the big ways that it shows up.
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If you are getting crazy nervous on a date, you're already that's already a reflection of the fact that you valued the wrong things.
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Because you're valuing this person's looks or their status or what you perceive them to be.
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But you can't you're not valuing them in a relationship or in relation to you, which is defined by how much they give, how they connect with you, how they relate to you, how they see you.
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All of that stuff is completely you're a zero.
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So how can you be nervous if you're valuing the right things?
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You can only be nervous if you're valuing the wrong things.
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If that to me is the key to eliminating early nerves in early dating.
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Is that there is I almost feel a little fatalistic about it, which is funny coming from someone who gives advice in this area for a living because, you know, I I do believe that we can influence situations with what we do, but we do have to have a bit of a dose of fatalism.
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That the thing that didn't pan out wasn't the thing.
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The person who's still great in week eight is showing you the right things.
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But if they suddenly ghost you in week nine, then it doesn't mean they would have been great in week 16.
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They're like, "Oh, but they were the one and I just I don't know what I need closure." You have closure. That action was closure.
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What they showed you is they had eight good weeks in them. That's interesting.
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Yeah, that's interesting.
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It's It's and it's the same as you'd say in sport.
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Like if you if you say I'm just I was just about sport while you were saying that it's the idea of like a player may have one good season in him or her. Mhm.
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And then that player may have had 10 good seasons in him or her.
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And sometimes we have these players where we're like, "Oh, she's going to be the next or he's going to be the next."
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And then all of a sudden they don't give you that season.
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And in sports we get closure by just going, "All right, they had potential but they didn't make it."
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But you're right, in love and life it's a lot hard to have that mentality of like they gave me eight good weeks but they didn't make it.
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And you and you sit there and you obsess over someone who just left you going you obsess over what they could have been. Yeah. That's what it is.
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have you know, this was so promising.
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They were everything that I was looking for. This could have been.
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And anytime you you someone breaks up with us you know, the heartbreak is the loss of the life we thought we were going to have Mhm. with someone.
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This is this is what it could have been.
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This is what it should have been. Yeah.
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And my answer to that is it would have been Mhm.
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if it should have been and could have been. Yeah. Then it would have been.
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You're literally you're grieving over something that was not it by definition it wasn't meant to happen cuz it didn't happen. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't happen.
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So, this idea that it it was supposed to or it should have is is myth is a fantasy. It's science fiction. Yeah.
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But I feel like in relationships we have this fantasy mind that's already written the script and the book and the trilogy before the second date is over.
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And so it's almost like relationship seems to be like the one area of your life where we write decades into the future and we can't help ourselves because we almost think that that and and it's almost like you're living.
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What you're saying is you're living off the fantasy, not even of the reality that's right in front of you.
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And so even when you're on a date with them, you're not even there because you're in your fantasy land.
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And of what you think it is.
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And that's where in in so many ways everything that you are, you know, your expertise in mindfulness and everything you've learned there is so important in dating.
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Because in dating you have to be on the date you're on. Mhm.
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Mindful dating is be on the date you're on.
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Don't be on date two, but really you're not, you're on date 32. Yeah.
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Don't your mind has to be on date two with your body. Yes.
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And when people don't do that, that's where they start they start constructing a fantasy of where this relationship is going.
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A fantasy of who this person is.
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They know 5% of someone and they built the other 95% out of Yeah. uh uh extrapolation. Yeah.
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Oh, he was really sweet in that moment.
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You know, I bet he's good with kids.
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I bet he's this, I bet he's that, I bet he's, you know, I bet he's an amazing family man.
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I bet, you know, and and and we've all had the experience of meeting someone who was incredibly charming, fun to be around, you know, and you went away from like as men we sometimes go out and we meet another man and it's like we've been a date on a date with that man and you come home and you go he was so great, you know, I was like I loved him to bits.
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He was like and he really charmed you.
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And then six months later the that person has really lost their shine. Yeah. Cuz they're flaky.
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You realize they don't actually show up when when you need them to.
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You realize that it's they they kind of, you know, it's that the in The Talented Mr.
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Ripley there's that great line.
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Oh, that's a great movie. Great movie.
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There's a great line when Matt Damon is like, you know, he's become the new chosen best friend of of um Jude Law's character.
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Uh his name Jude Law's character's name is Dickie and Matt Matt Damon is is feeling suddenly shut out like out of nowhere he feels shut out when 5 minutes ago he was like, "This guy's my best friend and he loves me and he's so and
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he says to Matt Damon's girlfriend at the time, he he's expressing how he feels that it you know or you know he's not even expressing she sees the look on his face that he's sad that he no longer has this like friendship that feels real to him. And she says, "The thing about Dickie is
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And she says, "The thing about Dickie is when when he puts his attention on you, it's like the sun is shining on you."
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And then the attention moves on and it's very cold. Yeah.
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And and that's the experience of a lot of those people but when you're taking the 5% of the sun shining on you and you use it to build the 95% that you cannot possibly know.
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You can't know who this person is when your brother gets sick and you need to travel to the hospital to be with that person and you need support in that moment.
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You can't know how that person is when you're having an anxious moment and you need someone to show love and compassion towards you and this anxiety that you can't seem to control and what you really need is a loving teammate to be there with you and not to judge you.
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You can't know what this person is like in year three of a relationship when the you know, you need to make a shift in your sex life because it feels like that part has become staid but you need to work together to figure out You don't know what that person is like in those stages.
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So in so thinking that you have all the answers because you've been on even 10 or 15 dates with this person and had a wonderful time is a is a fallacy, a fantasy.
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There's a great um the the the relationship itself is about every stage of it and the effort that's put in.
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And there's a there's a story from Bukowski where he he slept with a prostitute.
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Every romantic story begins with begins this way.
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He slept with a prostitute and she um he woke up to her having stolen his poetry.
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And he was so upset, so mad. yeah.
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And um he wrote about it.
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And he wrote a piece that was all about how you could take anything.
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Take my money, take the other stuff in the in the apartment, take it all, but please not my anything but my poetry.
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And the the whole piece finishes with the line, "And then God said, crossing his legs, I see where I have created a great many poets, but not so very much poetry." Wow.
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And the the idea is that you know, the person who has potential in a relationship is the poet. Mhm. The poet. Everyone's a poet. Mhm.
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Not many people writing poetry. Yeah.
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Writing is the more difficult part.
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There are a lot of people who are great on a date, very romantic, very charming.
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They're a poet on a date. Mhm.
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The poetry is the relationship. Mhm.
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And and you shouldn't, you know, Bukowski was upset because his poetry was taken, the thing he'd worked on.
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And that's how it should be in a relationship is don't don't get upset because you lost a poet.
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Poets are a dime a dozen. Poetry is rare. Mhm.
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People who are willing to write the poetry of a relationship, people who are willing to stick it with you for a year, two years, five years, 10 years, that's really rare.
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And and we need to start valuing the poetry far more than we value the poet. Yeah, I love that.
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What a what a beautiful analogy.
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Let's let's talk a bit about that poetry because I feel like what's amazing is we convince ourself more of the fiction when you are lusting after that person's looks, fame, prestige, whatever whatever they have that you're attracted to.
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It's almost like then even if they do a million bad things, like you said about the guy playing the guitar or whatever it is.
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It's like you're like, "Oh, but he's so or she's so whatever."
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But tell us a bit about what to look out for.
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So, when people are out there and I know what I love about what you do is that and I love this conversation by the way so far because it's it's it's philosophical and it's real, but you're great at getting practical, too, and I see that in all the work you put out.
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What's some of the practical things that people can look out for?
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I know so many friends who are in early relationships or just started to date someone or finally met someone.
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What can they look for in those moments?
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Or is it looking for anything?
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I mean maybe that's even the wrong place to start.
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it's So, we have a duty early on to bring our best to the table in as much as we can.
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We're all going to make mistakes.
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We're all going to have anxious moments or jealous moments or moments where we let our insecurity get the better of us, moments where we let our anger get the better of us.
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Everyone's going to have these moments, but we want to try and put our best foot forward.
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But, I always think that we learn a lot in the moments where you have your first fight or you reveal something about yourself and you see how they react to it.
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You know, do they react with compassion?
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Or is there immediate judgment?
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And and and I don't mean a moment where you kind of try and perform. Yeah.
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I mean a moment where you genuinely are brave enough to let someone in and be seen. Yes.
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Does this person do they see you? Do they acknowledge you?
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And do they show compassion and curiosity about why you are that way and Mhm.
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what's happened in your life to get you there.
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Do they really Are they looking to figure you out and who you are is a wonderful, wonderful sign cuz a lot of people are just in a relationship and they're sleepwalking. Yeah.
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They're just They're They're enjoying it.
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They're enjoying the fruits of the relationship, but you don't get the impression someone's really trying to get to know you. Mhm.
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You don't feel seen by that person. Mhm.
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The person who's actually asking questions of you, the person who's looking to understand the good and the bad in you, Mhm.
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and who elevates the good and soothes the bad, Mhm.
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that's something very beautiful to look out for.
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The person who can come back and say sorry, as of course and I apply the same standard to to both sides. Yeah, of course.
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But the person who can who can come back and say sorry, you know, again, we we all when I'm when with one of my staff in my company, when I say, you know, when I give them a difficult piece of feedback, I don't expect them to smile in that moment.
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I don't expect them to like take, you know, in that I I would hope that they don't react in a really negative or toxic way, but I don't expect them to have an easy time with that.
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But if that person can go away over the next few hours or days and then come back and say, you know, I really thought about what you said and I'm going to work on that, that's something to look for.
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Cuz you can really like that person, if you're both that kind of person, you can work with that person. Yeah.
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That's someone you can genuinely have a relationship with because it's not a relationship that's based on perfection or never having an argument, but it is based on two people who are humble enough to genuinely own their mistakes or to own the areas where they want to get better.
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Um I'm I'm always looking at the ways people argue and whether they whether they're trying to do damage in an argument or whether they're trying to rebuild in an argument.
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And if you're with someone that every time you come out of an argument, you feel like they lacerated you.
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And there's that you're you're you come out of an argument bleeding every time.
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You know, and you're like that why did they have to say that incredibly nasty thing?
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And it's one thing if they come back 10 to an hour later and say or even a day later and say, "I truly regret having said that to you and I will do better." Mhm.
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But if they won't even acknowledge that that was a really toxic way to have an argument and that was a really nasty thing to say, then that's a problem.
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Cuz this is a relationship that's not going to soothe you.
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It's going to create more and more wounds.
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So that I would say is an important thing.
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And and two people genuinely genuinely at the core of it operating as a team. Mhm.
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What do you What do you need?
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And can I tell you you know, you're working really hard right now.
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Can I understand what your goal is in doing this and seek to understand that and where that's coming from for you and why that's important.
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But can I also voice to you that I'm not feeling very loved right now and that I'm I you know, maybe it's just my insecurity or maybe that you know, but I or maybe I don't have some enough as much many things going on in my life right now as you do in yours, but I know one of the effects is it's creating some anxiety for me.
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And it's making me feel like you don't love me as much as I love you.
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You know, it you want an environment where you can have that real conversation.
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And it it then to me a relationship is no longer about right and wrong.
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It's about the conversation. Mhm.
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Can the conversation be had? Mhm.
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That to me is one of the greatest signs of a relationship you should hang on to. Yeah.
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Is can the relationship be had? Mhm.
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And can it be had in a beautiful and and productive and loving way? Yeah.
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Because that's all that, you know, uh um David Brooks said marriage is a 50-year conversation. Mhm. Right?
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Is that conversation a Does it feel good? Yeah.
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Doesn't always feel comfortable, but does it feel like this is a conversation that is making me better? Yeah.
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Or is it a conversation that's always making me worse? Yeah, I love that.
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And and I think it's it's such a vicious cycle though sometimes because I find that you get into an argument, like you said, which I think the first argument is such a great uh like it's such a great marker to put down is let's let's reflect on this.
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I think that's such a great way of putting it that you said.
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And if you look at that, often what happens is the person reacts badly, it's natural. You react badly, too.
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And then you're waiting for that person to make up, and that person's waiting for you to make up.
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And then maybe you go ahead and put the first hand in, but then now they deal with the second bad, and now you're waiting again, and I feel like we get lost in this like waiting game, and I kind of got to a point where I was just like, I want to make sure that I am leading this conversation.
18:36
So, a conversation that me and my wife always have is I'll always check in with her and be like, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go in?
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Like, is this going in the direction?
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Is this relationship what you want it to be?
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And if it's not, what do you want it to be, and what are you willing to do to get there?
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Because And I'll always be like, well, this is not how I want the relationship to be. Yeah.
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And this is what I want it to be.
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And I feel like that conversation for me is really healthy, and I'm always happy.
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One thing that I've got to right now, and I think my wife has this in different parts of our relationship, I'm always happy to take the responsibility for the quality of the relationship, because I'm in it.
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In the same way as I am with my company, in the same way as I'm for this podcast, the same way as I'm for anything.
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It's like it's easy to it's easy to sit there and go, "Well, what are you bringing to the table?"
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And and I realized at one point where I was like, "If I care about stuff, I've got to be okay with uh grabbing onto the reins."
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And the the funny thing is I started to realize that that actually there plenty of times when my wife does that.
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She just does it in different areas that I don't notice.
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And so it can feel like I'm carrying the burden.
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But actually that's not true.
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I'm I'm taking responsibility where I thrive.
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And actually she's taking responsib- responsibility where she thrives, and I don't even notice that.
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And that's when I started to feel healthier rather than like I was like, "Well, where you show up?
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Like what are you doing?"
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And uh I remember when I was a monk, the the teachers would always tell us that you know you may sit in a class with a non-charismatic teacher.
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So they were like, "Some of the monks are not going to be the most charismatic, the most attentive, the most like dynamic teachers of the the the texts and the spiritual scriptures."
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And they were like, "But if you're a student that's 10 out of 10, even if the speaker's a one out of 10 in presentation, you're going to get lots.
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But if you're a one out of 10 and the speaker's 10 out of 10, then they're lifting you up.
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But by the way, if you're at a one out of 10 and they're at a one out of 10, that's all you're going to get."
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And it's kind of like what your friend said about the bag of milk.
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You know, the the the idea of like taking your own responsibility for if you want to be in a relationship.
20:41
I would love to hear your thoughts on that. Yeah.
20:45
speaks again you're so right, Jay, and it's a truly beautiful that you have that in your relationship, and it's and it's also brave.
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Cuz talking those conversations are not easy.
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They and people can say things in those relationship in those conversations that can scare us.
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They can say, "Well, I'm not happy cuz I want it to go in this direction." that, too. Yeah.
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Like you know, or I didn't realize you were unhappy in that way, or I didn't realize you felt like that.
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That That takes a lot of bravery to have conversations like that, and I commend you for that.
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And I And I think that's one of the things a lot of people aren't willing to do is step bravely into an area where they could be criticized. Mhm.
21:22
Um but I I think it is one of the most important aspects of a relationship is being able to do exactly that.
21:33
So, no, I think it's I think it's a a stunning thing.
21:36
Well, it's uncomfortable, like you're saying, it's not And And I'm not sharing it's like we've perfected it, and we've got it right.
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I'm just saying that that's what we've had to do in order to like, you know, we're only at year five, year eight in our relationship, year five in marriage.
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But it's like that's what we've just I've had to find these what you're saying, like the 50-year conversation and and the idea you're saying of having these Like I'm just I've noticed that without these things, you could go years without changing anything.
22:03
But speaking of what you said with the the idea of the monks, that to me goes back to the you know, what I was saying about timing being important. Yeah.
22:13
I do believe when you go into a relationship with genuine purpose. Mhm.
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And even when you go into dating with genuine purpose, you you know, you go on a dating app, cuz a lot of people out there listening to this won't be in a relationship, they'll be right now in the crap shoot of dating apps trying to figure out how to navigate.
22:33
When we're intentional, we bring a different energy to the things we do. Mhm.
22:38
We bring a different energy to a person.
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And in a relation in early dating, I think that when you're really intentional, and when you really are like, I'm looking for a real connection here, you don't actually judge people as quickly. Yeah.
22:52
You don't dispose of people as quickly where you just go wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
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You You start actually looking for what could be right.
23:02
You start and I'm not saying ignoring abusive and toxic behavior.
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I'm just saying those superficial things we just you know, decide no, they don't meet this checklist, they don't meet this one or whatever.
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We lose that because what we're looking for is is deeper and we start genuinely seeking to like we're on a date and we start going let me really find out who this person is. Yeah.
23:21
Like let me really see them and let me not be judgmental of them so quickly and and look to understand them and the reward for that is that this person now actually feels seen by you.
23:33
Yeah, that's great advice.
23:36
And they now give you a different energy than they may have given on the last 10 dates. Yeah.
23:40
You suddenly they blossom on the date differently because of the energy in front of them.
23:46
There's a a Mitch Albom wrote a line about, you know, if the culture isn't serving you then you have to be brave enough to create your own culture. Mhm.
23:56
And in dating for so many people I you know, I get all the complaints about dating these days, you know, it's superficial, it's no one everyone's flaky, no one goes on real dates, no one's trying, no one's really committing, no one wants a real relationship.
24:10
It's like okay, so what you're describing to me is what you perceive to be a culture Yeah.
24:13
that's not working for you. Yeah.
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But if that culture isn't serving you then create your own culture that surrounds you. Mhm.
24:26
And and your culture can be powerful.
24:27
Not for the world necessarily cuz in for that there needs to be a combined cultural shift. Yeah.
24:34
But in your micro life, in your micro problems and and opportunities, the culture you create will have an impact on the people around you. Yeah.
24:46
And it the same way, you know, I said if you go into a room at a party and you say I hope this party's good.
24:54
Well, now you're a victim to what however this party is. Yeah.
24:56
You know, if everyone seems kind of closed off and mean and you know, this clicky and it's like, "Oh god."
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Then you go home and you say, "Oh my god, that party was so, you know, it was one of those horrible parties."
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But if you go in and you say, "I'm going to at the very least be responsible for a part of this party." Yes. Yeah.
25:17
I'm going to go in and I'm going to give the love and the energy and the and the and the compassion and the authenticity that I would love for people in this room to join me in giving. Some will, some won't.
25:27
And by the way, that's also good cuz it'll help you find your crowd, right?
25:30
So you you find your crowd by being the thing you want to be, not by hoping that your crowd elicits it from you. Completely.
25:39
You found your crowd online by going out and being an energy that you wanted to be first. Mhm.
25:44
And then that crowd noticed you. It's like a lighthouse.
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All the ships start knowing where to come home because they see the you know, they see the lighthouse.
25:52
That that for me is that's one of the most beautiful things about giving energy early on.
25:57
I see dating, you know, not just relationships, but I see people in dating these days it's the game is who can try less.
26:06
Who can be cooler, who can be more indifferent.
26:07
And and that's honestly not the way to do it.
26:10
That's certainly the way to attract someone of a lower frequency. that. Yeah. Right?
26:16
You can certainly attract someone who wants the game, who wants the who's got the demons that make them chase someone who's not into them. Yeah.
26:25
and there are plenty of people with those demons, but you don't want to be in a relationship with a person like that.
26:29
Cuz for sure, a person like that, the moment you stop playing hard to get and you turn around to meet them, they're not going to be interested in you anymore because their demons will tell them, "This person likes us now.
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They're not they this person's no longer cool to us.
26:43
They were only cool to us as long as they didn't like us."
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So you can't ever messed up.
26:48
Yeah, but it's you know, it's that uh that Groucho Marx thing.
26:51
I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member. Yeah.
26:54
That describes dating insecurity amongst people like that is I want to that person doesn't want me, they must be a catch. Yeah.
27:03
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
27:05
And and so what we have to do is give when we give a little more energy in dating and say, "You know what?
27:12
This person who I've known for 5 minutes maybe I'm not feeling much energy here, but I'm just going to give some energy. Mhm.
27:21
I'm going to give an amount of energy I'm willing to lose. Right?
27:25
That's an a key way of looking at it. Yeah.
27:27
What you don't do is you keep trying with someone who's not giving you equal energy back.
27:29
That's that then becomes masochistic. Right.
27:32
But giving an amount of energy you're willing to lose.
27:35
I always think about that in every interaction. That's so true, yeah.
27:37
Give an amount you don't mind losing. Yeah.
27:38
It's like going into the casino and playing like roulette.
27:42
It's like, "All right, I'm in Vegas.
27:44
I'll give like a hundred bucks Yeah.
27:47
and then I'm not spending anything else here in these casinos. That's it." Yeah.
27:51
You know, for me it's normally like 10 bucks cuz I just I'm not a gambler, but you just decide what am I happy to lose?
27:57
And it's the same with energy.
27:57
It's you know, I'm dating right now.
28:02
I want to find someone amazing, someone beautiful.
28:05
I'm going to give to everyone I interact with an amount of energy I don't mind losing. Mhm.
28:10
And some people I'm going to I'm going to bring out the people who who now are willing to give it back cuz all of a sudden they'll they might be jolted out of their little coma that they've been in because they're disillusioned with dating and they feel like no one's trying.
28:24
And so they went into their shell, but they now they see you with a different level of warmth and playfulness.
28:29
And and and just positivity and they go "Huh, who is this?
28:32
This makes me feel good."
28:34
And then they come out a little bit and all of a sudden you see who they are.
28:37
You wake them up a little bit.
28:37
And then there's a bunch of people you won't and that's okay cuz you were willing to lose that much energy. Yeah.
28:43
But what people do instead, they do a far more dangerous thing of being afraid of the rejection from people that they approach or talk to in the first 5 minutes.
28:54
God forbid I get rejected in the first 5 minutes.
28:59
But then they'll meet someone where they have a bit of connection and chemistry but who isn't trying, who isn't giving them equal energy and they'll keep pouring energy into that person month after month after month when they're not getting the same in return. Yeah.
29:14
And they think that's safer than going out there and getting rejected by a new person. Yeah.
29:19
But actually this is the dangerous one. Yes.
29:22
To be rejected in 5 minutes by someone who doesn't even know you, who who on an app, how much can someone really reject you anyway?
29:28
And we all know our experience.
29:30
We've all chosen people in life who on an app we might have swiped right past. Absolutely. Right?
29:35
So we know from our own personal experience that if we get rejected on an app, it doesn't even mean that person wouldn't like us in real life. Totally. Yeah.
29:42
But we're so afraid of that rejection.
29:46
That's mortal fear is that rejection.
29:48
And yet continuing to waste months or years on someone who's who's giving us unequal energy Yeah.
29:55
is something people happily do.
29:57
They spend that time like it's nothing.
30:00
And that's the really dangerous feels safe.
30:02
Because it feels like there's something at least. There's some connection.
30:05
There's some comfort Well, there's a couple of things.
30:08
It's Firstly, it's comfortable, right? It's it's what I know.
30:10
Doesn't mean I'm Happiness and comfort are very different things. I'm not happy. I'm not happy.
30:14
I'm not getting my needs met. But it's comfortable. Yeah. Right?
30:18
So I'll stay in it for that reason.
30:21
It's the fear of I'll never find anyone again. Mhm.
30:23
Which is a fallacy cuz you found this person. Yeah. You did it already. You know?
30:28
And by the way, this person's not so unique that they're the only person in the world that's going to find you attractive. Yeah. Yeah. Right?
30:33
Like they're attracted to you cuz you're attractive. Yeah.
30:36
But that's the crazy thing, right?
30:37
We have this massive paradox between there's now unlimited choice, more than ever.
30:43
You feel like you have way more choice than you had before.
30:44
But then we have limitless fear to go with that that we may not find anyone ever again.
30:50
Yeah, I talk in the book about the difference between idiot compassion and wise compassion. love that. Yeah, tell us about it. Yeah.
30:57
So, idiot compassion is what our friends do.
30:59
It's like, you know, someone breaks up with you and you're like, "Oh, he was a jerk."
31:02
Even though we know that like this has happened the last three times because there's certain ways you behave in the relationship that lead to this outcome or you know, you didn't get the promotion you wanted and we know why that happened because that keeps happening to you and we say, "Oh, your boss is doesn't see your talent."
31:16
When we really know what's going on.
31:18
But we don't want to rock the boat and we think we're being supportive, but it's not really supportive.
31:23
And so, you know, it's kind of like if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to, it might be you.
31:28
But we don't we don't say that.
31:29
That's idiot compassion, right?
31:30
Wise compassion is holding up that mirror, but the clear mirror, not the dusty mirror.
31:34
And it's holding up that mirror and saying, "I'm going to help you to look at yourself in a way that maybe you haven't been willing or able to see.
31:42
And I think you're going to like what you see because it's going to help you navigate through the world in a much smoother way. Yeah.
31:49
And maybe you will have to make some changes, which people you know, people usually come into therapy and they're like, "I want things to change."
31:56
And what they want to change is someone else or something else.
31:57
They don't realize that they are going to have to make some changes.
32:01
And I and I want to say like you're the protagonist in the story.
32:04
You're going to have to make some changes. Yeah, absolutely.
32:05
And one of the things I think we struggle with that is I was talking about this with a friend the other day.
32:11
We were on a walk and we were saying that she was being really vulnerable and open. She's amazing.
32:14
I know she listens to the podcast. You know who you are.
32:16
Uh it's how I hurt her names.
32:18
Uh but it's it's the feeling of we want people to be honest with us, but we struggle to be honest with people. Yeah.
32:26
So, it's a weird like it's a weird circle because we it's like me saying, "Lori, I want you to be really honest with me about how how podcast is going."
32:35
But then when my friend asked me how their podcast is going, I'm not telling them the truth. Yeah.
32:40
But I'm expecting you to tell me the truth.
32:41
And so, almost we become demanders of the truth, but not givers of.
32:44
And then that continues that circle, if that makes sense.
32:47
And so, how how do we actually open ourselves up to create space for friendships like that?
32:52
Because I almost think, in the same way as you're saying, we're creating those scenarios in our life again, at work or in relationships, Yeah.
33:00
we are inviting idiot compassion into our life. That's right.
33:04
Because we're not ready for it almost, right? Right.
33:05
We have to be able to hear it.
33:05
I see this so much with couples that I see.
33:09
So, a lot of times, um, you know, somebody will say, and I see this most typically in like a heterosexual couple where, uh, the woman says to the man, "I want you to be really vulnerable with me.
33:18
I want to understand your inner life.
33:19
I want you to open up to me."
33:23
And then he does, and he starts crying, and she is frozen.
33:25
You know, she's like, "Well, well, I, you know, be careful what you wish for, right?
33:30
Yeah, I didn't I didn't I didn't mean like that." Right?
33:33
Or if someone's like, or if the thing that they're being truthful about is something about something going on between the two of you.
33:39
And people are so afraid to share that.
33:42
So, maybe they'll be open about something out there, but if it's like, there's something I want to talk to you about us, and the person says, "Yeah, I want to hear.
33:49
I want you to be really open and honest with me."
33:50
Until you really say, "I notice this happens between us, and here's something about you."
33:57
And the person's like, "Whoa, I didn't want to hear that." Right?
33:58
So, we're so uncomfortable with other people's truth.
34:03
You don't have to agree with somebody else's feelings, but you have to know that their feelings are valid, which doesn't mean that you have the same feelings. There's a distinction.
34:13
It's almost like the difference between, um, when somebody really wants someone to forgive them.
34:18
And I always say, like there's a woman in the book, she wants her adult children to forgive her for what she had done.
34:24
They're estranged from her.
34:25
They And I said, "You know what?
34:26
You can't You're You're asking for something called forced forgiveness.
34:31
That That people are not going to forgive you because it will make you feel better.
34:36
And sometimes not forgiving is okay.
34:38
It's okay if your children never forgive you.
34:40
Maybe they will have compassion for you.
34:41
Maybe they will see you as the mother that they want now, even though you couldn't be that then.
34:49
Um we have to learn how to forgive ourselves.
34:52
But so many times if someone says, "I'm really upset about this."
34:54
We say we want to hear that.
34:57
But we don't know how to um how to let it in. How to be open to it.
35:03
Yeah, and how do you in the in the therapy room and in your life and when you're advising people people live or sometimes we assume that people live very problem-driven lives.
35:15
So, when they come and see you, they feel they have to start with the problem. Yeah.
35:19
Or sometimes when you see a friend, you feel like you have to share something that's going wrong for there to be a conversation.
35:24
I feel like almost problems and wrongs have become better conversation starters or more I would say more comfortable conversation starters for people as opposed to something positive. Do you see that a lot?
35:34
Is that Well, you know what's so interesting?
35:35
I think that we have this weird dichotomy where on the internet everybody's posting all the positive things.
35:43
Um in person, everybody's sharing all the negative things. Yeah.
35:46
Um and so there's not that balance.
35:50
I I I think that a lot of the time we're we're kind of using our friendships to kind of download our problems, but we're not actually listening.
35:57
When I was training, I was doing my internship, a clinical supervisor said, "You have two ears and one mouth.
36:04
There's a reason for that ratio."
36:07
I think we don't know how to listen.
36:10
And so sometimes uh we feel like when someone's telling us something that we need to problem solve for them. Mhm.
36:13
Um we don't know just how to sit with them and not fix it for them.
36:17
And we don't realize too that sometimes we're helping them by helping them to hear themselves more clearly. Yeah.
36:24
And if we talk for them, if we talk over them, they can't hear themselves.
36:29
We're talking over their internal voice.
36:34
That that that that last bit there at the end that you just mentioned is so powerful.
36:37
We're talking over their internal voice, and actually simply listening to them allows them to hear themselves. Yes. And you're so right.
36:43
I I feel like my best conversations are definitely when I I can find the narrative just by being able to share and share and share because most of the time we share we we talk for 2 minutes and the person giving the answer talks for eight.
36:58
And it's almost like, you know, and now it's like, "Okay, now I'm Do I take that answer?"
37:01
They don't quite understand me, and then, right?
37:03
It just kind of gets lost. So, how do we shift?
37:04
Is talking about our problems useful? With who is it useful?
37:11
And and when is it useful?
37:12
Yeah, I think you have to choose your audience. Yeah.
37:13
I think so many times people have had bad experiences.
37:16
Let's say that growing up they had bad experiences.
37:19
And so, then they end up choosing someone who will disappoint them.
37:23
And then they say, "See, see what happens when I'm vulnerable?
37:25
See how that doesn't work?" Yeah.
37:27
Um and and what happens is they they don't realize that they're repeating this pattern.
37:31
One thing that therapy really does for people is it helps them to see you are making choices that are are repeating they're helping you to repeat a pattern that is making you unhappy.
37:43
They're just keeping you stuck.
37:45
And and people don't realize that they're doing that.
37:47
Um there's a woman in the book who keeps hooking up with the wrong guys, right?
37:51
Um and including, by the way, one from the waiting room.
37:54
I don't mean in the waiting room, it's not that exciting in our office.
37:56
But but she meets him in the waiting room.
37:58
And I know, because of her pattern, that, you know, this is going to be a disaster.
38:03
And she keeps saying, "Oh, it's the guys. It's this person. It's that person."
38:06
And she doesn't realize that these people are so much like the people she grew up around.
38:10
Um and I don't mean that we're blaming people's parents because I think that most parents did their absolute best.
38:16
You know, most parents really want to be a good parent, but sometimes they didn't know how or they were very limited or there was some mental There was some mental health issues or whatever it might be.
38:25
And so they couldn't give their kids that that mirroring experience that, you know, is something that they would want in an adult relationship.
38:34
And so with her it takes her so long to realize that when she meets someone who is going to give her what she wants, she's like, "Oh, I'm not attracted. No chemistry." Right?
38:45
It's almost like like she doesn't know how to be around someone who will give her what she wants. Mhm.
38:52
And there's a there's a learning process around where wait a minute, just because something feels familiar, um like the person who disappoints you, doesn't mean it's right.
38:59
You know, that chemistry that she kept feeling was like, "Oh, you feel familiar. Come closer." Yeah. It's like, "No.
39:05
The fact that you feel familiar should be a sign.
39:07
Like let's try something different.
39:09
Let's go into this place of unfamiliarity, and it will be uncomfortable because you don't know the customs in this country.
39:16
You haven't been to this country before.
39:18
You're going to have to use your guidebook and and learn your way around a little bit, but why don't you see what it's like over in that country?" Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
39:26
What what is your take on the elusive chemistry when people talk about it when they're partnerships and you know, the way I've always understood it is I've always felt that when you look at chemistry and compatibility, chemistry is something that I can feel multiple times a day with different people. Yep.
39:42
I can feel it with the barista.
39:42
I can feel it with my personal trainer.
39:44
I can feel it with someone I'm just taking the train home with.
39:48
Like chemistry is something I can feel over and over again.
39:50
Compatibility is something I can't.
39:52
It's not as easily replaceable.
39:54
It took longer to build, and it's something that I have with less people in the world in general. Yep.
39:58
Uh and and so for me I've I always look at chemistry as that elusive thing because I hear the same.
40:02
My friends will come back from dates and be like, "Jay, like but there was no chemistry."
40:04
And I'm like, "Okay, well so so tell me about that and how you've tackled helping people understand chemistry and and filter it better?" Yeah.
40:14
So this is I I'm love I love that we're having this conversation because this is such an important part of relationship.
40:21
So many times people will say, you know, they went on a first date with somebody and they're like, "Yeah, I know, I had a really good time, but there was no chemistry."
40:28
And I said, "Well, the having the really good time might mean that there's potential for chemistry."
40:35
But what they do is because they're on the apps and they say, "Oh, well, there's like 10,000 other people that I can date."
40:39
And they just keep recycling and recycling and recycling and they don't give something time or space to grow.
40:48
And chemistry sometimes happens right away and other times it takes time to grow.
40:52
So, there are these surveys that were done where where men and women were were followed for 20 years from the moment that they went on a first date through marriages, divorces, you know, all these things.
41:03
And what happened was a lot of people have revised their stories depending on what happened later.
41:08
So, the people who are happily married, let's say, a lot of them said, you know, "Well, tell us about the first date."
41:15
When they're telling it now, they say, "Oh, yeah, there was instant chemistry."
41:19
But what they reported at the time was, "Yeah, I don't know, maybe I'll go on a second date.
41:23
I don't know, there's not a lot here."
41:24
But it built and so their story became there was instant chemistry, right?
41:28
Now, the people who were divorced, sometimes they would say, "Oh, I knew I never liked this person from the beginning."
41:34
And yet at the time they reported, "Oh my god, we had this amazing chemistry." Right?
41:36
So, it's not very reliable that first time is what I'm trying to say. It takes time.
41:42
So, you you go on a first date or a first meeting with somebody and and you say, "Did you Did you have a good time?
41:47
Would you like to spend another hour with this person?"
41:48
And then see whether something develops.
41:52
Sometimes it does, a lot of the times it does, a lot of the time it doesn't, but you won't know until you give it some breathing room.
41:58
I should say too that, you know, there's this saying that we marry our unfinished business.
42:04
And what I mean by that is that a lot of times if you haven't worked through some of these Um, ways of being in relationship that didn't work very well for you, you seek them out in other people without realizing it.
42:16
So, the person will look very different, let's say from your mom or your dad or whomever, and yet, um, once you get to know that person, you're like, "Oh god."
42:25
You know, like, "Oh, wait, this this feels really like Oh, I recognize that.
42:30
I didn't see that at all." Right?
42:32
So, that's our unfinished business.
42:34
So, you really got to work through your stuff so that you can meet the person that you're going to have true authentic chemistry with and not this kind of like chaotic chemistry with.
42:45
Yeah, chaotic chemistry is a really nice way to put it because yeah, that's often what it is.
42:50
It's like everything's chaotic, but we feel chemistry.
42:52
It's, you know, it's like people will say, "I have so much chemistry with this person even though I can't rely on this person or I'm always nervous. I'm always on edge.
42:59
I never know where I stand with this person, but we have so much chemistry." Yeah.
43:05
Yeah, and it's just and it's crazy how I I'd love to date back at you and I'm I'm doing some research on it right now.
43:11
I'd love to hear if you already know it, so but I'm I'm really interested in where that desire for chemistry ever even sourced.
43:17
Like where it started, like that want that we all have for wanting to feel chemistry.
43:22
Like I wonder if it was a movie or because I remember the first time I wanted a girlfriend was because I watched a movie and my favorite character like was attracted to this girl and I was like, "Oh, maybe I should have a girlfriend."
43:32
Like I didn't, you know, I was a kid and I didn't even know what that meant.
43:34
But it was just so cleverly planted into my mind that I didn't feel complete without a partner.
43:41
And and it's fascinating to me look at where these things started because sometimes they're just things that you've heard over and over again in movies or books or songs and I mean, I think that we we define chemistry as sort of like this instant magical thing.
43:54
Um, and and chemistry is is so multi-factorial.
43:58
It's about, you know, what is this energy that goes on between the two of you and and how are you together in daily life, not like on the vacation in Tahiti, right?
44:08
Um so when people think about spending their lives with somebody, it's about the day-to-day.
44:13
It's about how do we get through the hard things?
44:15
How do we listen to each other?
44:16
How do we deal with um the places that we disagree?
44:22
How do we deal with the differences between us?
44:24
Cuz we think of chemistry is like that overlap.
44:26
Like we we both love sushi and rollerblading and this movie and that book and you know and and we're vegan and you know whatever it is, right?
44:34
Um and that's not chemistry.
44:37
Chemistry is how do we inhabit the same space knowing that we're two separate human beings and how do we stay connected even with the space between us? Mhm. Yeah, absolutely. I love that.
44:49
That's yeah, that's really powerful.
44:51
Tell me about the uh Tell me about dealing with the paradox of being perceived as someone who has all the answers but also is knowingly trying to grow in their own life.
45:03
Like how how does that paradox work for you? Yeah.
45:04
When it's like you know the perception not only of your clients now like you know you're going to have a TV show about the book.
45:09
Like the book's been so incredibly successful which is helping so many people.
45:13
How do you deal with that personally of that feeling of yeah, I do have answers and I do know how to help people.
45:20
Obviously, people are being helped.
45:21
Like you are changing people's lives and at the same time you're like yeah, but I'm still learning and I still got to work on this and I'm still working on this.
45:27
How do you how do you deal with that paradox or how do you Yeah.
45:30
Well well that's interesting because so in the book I follow four very different patients where I'm their therapist and then the fifth patient in the book is me as I go through my own therapy with my therapist and a lot of people say well why, you know, are you insane?
45:45
You know, why why would you do that?
45:47
Uh before before the book came out.
45:48
I think it's really smart.
45:50
And it was well the reason I did it is because I really felt like if my patients were going to be so vulnerable, I felt it would be disingenuous to be the expert up on high helping these people when I was going through something in my own life. And and we all struggle.
46:04
And and so I say at the very beginning of the book that my greatest credential is that I'm a card-carrying member of the human race.
46:11
And it was so important for me to show how we're all more the same than we are different.
46:16
And I think that that makes what people can learn from the book so much more powerful and impactful.
46:20
Um what's interesting though is that even though I was very sure that I wanted to do that, once the book um so you know, I I was supposed to be writing a different book.
46:31
I was supposed to be writing a book about happiness.
46:32
And and it it just felt so empty to me because I feel like happiness is a byproduct of living our our lives in a in a fulfilling way, in a meaningful way is really what we all hope for.
46:43
But happiness as the goal in and of itself felt like a recipe for disaster.
46:47
So it felt like it was just I was I was a therapist and I was trying to write this book about happiness and it was making me depressed.
46:52
Ironically, I called it the miserable depression-inducing happiness book.
46:54
And so I ended up not writing that book.
46:56
And then I ended up writing this book.
46:58
And and I felt like maybe three people would read it cuz everybody said, "Oh, you know, nobody wants to Nobody wants to read a book about therapy."
47:04
And it's not it's a book about the human condition.
47:08
Um and so once the book was turned in and and the sales team got it at the publisher and everybody started like passing the book around.
47:13
And and I thought, "Oh, no, maybe like cuz I thought like three people would read it and I'm like maybe 300 will read it, maybe 3,000."
47:19
I didn't realize like we're like 10 months on the New York Times list now. Yeah, congratulations. Well, thank you.
47:24
I I say that only in the context of um if I had known how many people were going to be reading it, I think I would have hesitated to be so open. I let it rip.
47:34
I mean, I I do not come off well.
47:36
I mean, I'm very just here's what happened and I just let it go.
47:41
Um and so I'm really glad that I didn't clean myself up because I think that if I had, yeah, people wouldn't have read it.
47:49
I think that the reason that people are responding to it and seeing themselves in these stories is because we're all so real in the book. Mhm.
47:56
You know, nobody's cleaned up in the book. Yeah, I agree.
47:58
I I and I think that's beautiful and I I I do think that that message is so much stronger today as well and I I'm really glad that you didn't know how successful the book was going to be.
48:10
It's great and it's funny though, isn't it that we we feel that sometimes like you would and and I'm glad you didn't and I know you didn't too because you're you're very happy sharing, but it is weird that we think, "Oh, if that many more people are going to see this, I wouldn't." What is it about that?
48:24
Is that just more chances and odds of people having issues with us or challenging us?
48:29
Like, what is that that stops us from being more vulnerable the more people see us?
48:34
Because I feel when you're not well known, it's like you strive to be well known and then when you meet people who are well known, they're almost striving for more privacy. Yeah.
48:44
You know, it's like right?
48:44
I'm sure you see that in your work all the time. I do.
48:48
I think that um people are afraid I mean, I think there's shame there, you know, like that that that as a therapist um you know, letting people see me struggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:57
And say, you know, here I I I mean, I do all the things with my therapist that my patients do with me.
49:02
So so you see me like I want to be liked by him and I Google stalk him one night and you know, I do all these things.
49:09
Um and it's embarrassing um you know, to because you think, "Well, people will think less of me.
49:13
People will think that I'm less competent or um you know, whatever you imagine."
49:17
And that's not been the case at all. Yeah.
49:20
You know, I think that people have said, "I you know, I I I really I really value what you shared." Mhm. Um I really respect you. I admire you for that."
49:28
And and I think that that translates to people out in the world being more open with each other because the title of the book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, doesn't mean we should all go to therapy necessarily.
49:39
It means we all need to talk more to each other. Mhm.
49:43
And so the more that I can model that for people, if I can't you know, walk the talk, if I can't do what I'm asking people to do, then there's a big gap. Yes.
49:55
But if I actually do it, I think it helps people to say, "Oh, well, if she can do it, Yeah. then I can do it, too." Absolutely. Absolutely.
50:01
And what have you seen of those patterns of clients that you find that you're working with that have seen the biggest transformations in their life?
50:09
Are there patterns in those people that they have certain shared beliefs, values, work ethic, habits that that help them take whatever advice you gave or other therapists have given them that have actually changed?
50:22
Like, what has been that kind of X factor that people have shared?
50:27
Um I think that what happens is they release the story that they came in with.
50:30
And And sometimes it's these stories of, you know, um there's the content of what they're saying.
50:35
Like, here's what's going on in my relationship, here's what's going on uh with my anxiety.
50:40
Um and they have a story about it.
50:43
So, they think that the content is the story, but what I'm listening for is sort of the music under the lyrics.
50:48
So, the lyrics are, you know, I'm having panic attacks.
50:51
The music is what is the underlying struggle or pattern that is getting you into the situation. Mhm.
50:58
Um and once they can see that, that can translate into everything that happens in their daily lives.
51:03
But I think it takes courage.
51:05
I think it takes so much courage for them to say, "I'm going to make changes."
51:09
I always like to say that insight is the booby prize of therapy, that you can have all the insight in the world.
51:15
You can say, "Now I understand why I'm struggling in this way.
51:19
Now I understand why I have these arguments with my partner."
51:20
And I'll say, "Well, did you do something different?" Yeah.
51:24
And they'll say, "Well, no, but now I understand it." Yeah.
51:26
And I'll say, "Well, you're not really doing the work because you have to do something different."
51:29
And I love this Victor Frankl quote that's in the book, where he had written um "Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
51:40
In that space is the power to choose our response.
51:42
In our response, it lies our growth and our freedom.
51:48
So, yes, there might be difficult people, but then the question is what is our role in that?
51:52
So, why are we in that relationship or what is our role in making that relationship so chaotic, so difficult, so there's so much tension in it? Why is that?
52:04
So, what what is it that that we can do next time that person does that thing that triggers us?
52:09
Can we have a different response?
52:11
Cuz the response we keep giving is yielding Yeah. the same thing. Nothing's changing.
52:16
So, when we talk about insight is the booby prize of therapy, it's not just having the insight, it's you have to make changes and you have to look that means that you can make changes.
52:26
You're not going to change the other person, but your changes can influence another person.
52:29
So, it's always like doing a dance, right?
52:31
And so, if you change your dance steps, that person either has to change their dance steps too or they will fall flat on the floor or they can leave the dance floor. Yeah.
52:41
But the good thing is you changed your dance steps.
52:44
And that's the thing when you say, "What is the unifying thing that all of them have in common when they've made changes that have really, really transformed their lives?"
52:52
It's about they they chose different dance steps.
52:55
Does your partner often feel distant and you struggle to connect?
52:59
Do you feel like your partner nags you or is too demanding and you wish you had more space?
53:07
Or if you're single, does it often seem like when you're getting close to someone, they become distant or even ghost you?
53:13
Or do you frequently feel that people want too much from you?
53:19
Do you experience problems in your current relationship or in a past relationship that seem to follow similar patterns?
53:25
If so, then this video is for you.
53:34
Today we're going to talk about the single biggest, most consistent factor that's impacting all of your relationships that you've probably never heard of. Your attachment style.
53:46
Your attachment style is something that developed in the first years of life.
53:51
And while it's estimated that around half of us have what's called a secure attachment style, the rest of us have an insecure attachment style.
54:00
And that's where a lot of our relationship challenges come from.
54:01
Now, I'm going to ask you six questions, and for each question, there will be three options to choose from.
54:10
Pick the option that most resonates with you, and put a tick next to the corresponding column on your piece of paper. Ready? Here we go. Question one.
54:20
You're at a party or other social function, and you see your partner interacting with someone in a way that seems flirtatious. Option one.
54:31
You take it in your stride because you trust your partner. Option two.
54:37
You become jealous and ask your partner to justify themselves. Or option three.
54:42
You don't say anything about it, but withdraw from your partner.
54:46
Maybe you're cold or distant the rest of the night.
54:51
So, if you choose option one, take it in your stride, give yourself a tick in the C column.
54:56
If you choose option two, become jealous, put a tick in the A column.
55:01
And if you choose option three, distance yourself from your partner, put a tick in the B column. See how this works? Question two.
55:10
When you start to feel close to someone, you do what? Option one.
55:13
You enjoy the feeling and look forward to seeing where the relationship goes. Option two.
55:21
You start daydreaming about where and when your wedding will take place. Option three.
55:27
You put on the brakes to ensure things aren't moving too fast.
55:33
So, if you chose option one, you enjoy the feeling, put a tick in the C column.
55:39
If you chose option two, start planning your wedding, put a tick in the A column.
55:42
And if you choose option three, put on the brakes, put a tick in column B.
55:49
Now, here's question three.
55:51
When it comes to relationships in your life, option one, you look to others to provide you with a sense of security.
56:00
Option two, you have more acquaintances than friends or a romantic partner, but that's fine because you can take care of yourself.
56:10
Option three, you have a variety of relationships in your life and you enjoy being able to rely on others for support as well as having others rely on you.
56:17
If you choose option one, others help you feel secure, put a tick in column A.
56:25
If you chose option two, you can take care of yourself, put a tick in column B.
56:31
And if you chose option three, you have a variety of relationships, put a tick in column C. Question four.
56:39
The best relationships, option one, feel uncomplicated.
56:45
Option two, feel like a team. Option three, feel safe.
56:51
Now, I know this is a harder one to choose for many of you, but again, pick your strongest response.
56:54
Like if you were to rate these, choose whatever is at the top of your list.
57:00
For option one, feel uncomplicated, give yourself a tick in column B.
57:06
For option two, feel like a team, give yourself a tick in column C.
57:08
And for option three, feel safe, give yourself a tick in column A.
57:15
Question five, you're doing great, by the way.
57:18
I sometimes or often worry that option one, my partner will leave me.
57:25
Option two, my partner wants too much from me.
57:30
Option three, I sometimes worry about issues with my partner, but generally I don't have big overall worries or anxieties about the relationship.
57:39
If you went with option one, you worry your partner will leave you, give yourself a tick in column A.
57:45
If you went with option two, you worry your partner wants too much, give yourself a tick in column B.
57:49
And if you went with option three, no overall worries about the relationship, give yourself a tick in the C column. Okay, last question. Question number six.
58:02
When my partner and I disagree, option one, I generally feel comfortable expressing my thoughts and opinions.
58:10
Option two, I feel nervous to say how I feel.
58:14
Option three, I try to say as little as possible.
58:19
If you chose option one, you feel comfortable expressing yourself, give yourself a tick in column C.
58:22
If you chose option two, you feel nervous to say how you feel, give yourself a tick in column A.
58:31
And if you chose option three, you try to say as little as possible, give yourself a tick in column B.
58:35
Now, go ahead and hit pause if you need to tally your scores.
58:40
How many ticks have you got in each column?
58:45
Now, if you've tallied up your scores, you'll probably see that you've got ticks in more than one column.
58:49
That's because most of us are not all one attachment style.
58:54
While we usually have one that's dominant, we can show characteristics of other styles as well.
59:01
So, if you have most of your ticks under letter A, it's likely you have more of an anxious attachment style.
59:06
If you have the anxious attachment style, this is for you.
59:10
And I want to give a shout out, some of the following information on attachment styles is from counselor Adam Young, who is a licensed clinical social worker.
59:19
You can check out his work.
59:21
So, if that describes you again, nothing to feel bad about here.
59:24
This is just information that you can use in a helpful way to become aware.
59:31
Now, if you scored mostly letter B in the quiz, you likely have an avoidant attachment style.
59:36
According to estimates, which again vary a bit, about 20% of people have this style.
59:43
If you mostly answered letter C, you have a primary secure attachment style.
59:48
This is the most common attachment style with estimates that around 50 to 55% of us have secure attachment.
59:53
So, those are the attachment styles.
59:58
Now, incidentally, you won't see many secure types portrayed in popular programming because they make for the least drama.
1:00:04
Remember Chandler from Friends?
1:00:06
His high anxiety and fear over losing Monica and his jealousy and reluctance to believe she truly loved him revealed his anxious attachment style.
1:00:17
You can also think of Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, as a classic avoidant type.
1:00:21
Remember how he would use his sarcasm and obsession with technology to try and keep people from getting close to him and avoid emotional interaction.
1:00:31
Now that you know the attachment styles, you can even play a game with your partner or friends watching shows and identifying the different characters' styles.
1:00:39
So, how do we take this information we learned from the test about our own attachment style and use it in a positive way in our current or future relationships?
1:00:48
Here are three steps to doing that.
1:00:50
Step one is to give yourself a chance to digest and process what you just learned. There's a lot there.
1:00:58
Now, some of you will want to do that by yourself.
1:01:00
Others process things by talking them out.
1:01:03
I'll advise you that if your partner wants to process by themselves and you want to talk it out, maybe connect with a friend or other loved one you can talk to so you can give your partner a bit of space to process what they've learned.
1:01:17
Step two is for you and your partner to share what you've learned about yourselves with the other person.
1:01:24
You're not going to focus on the relationship at this point.
1:01:25
You're going to take turns sharing what you've learned while the other partner just listens.
1:01:31
Now, if you're the listener, I want you to resist the temptation to comment on what the other person is sharing.
1:01:36
Your role at this point is only to listen.
1:01:39
If you need to say something, you can acknowledge, I hear you, or yes, I'm listening, or what I'm hearing you say is, and making sure that you're on the right path.
1:01:50
Step three is going to be having that conversation where you discuss what you've learned about your attachment style and your partner's impact your understanding of the dynamics of your relationship.
1:01:59
I think this is an opportunity to exercise compassion.
1:02:04
Hopefully now you have a greater understanding of what's behind a repeat pattern or a problem.
1:02:10
I really hope that these attachment styles are going to help you form more self-awareness and a deeper bond with the people in your life.
1:02:16
Having this awareness allows you to connect with people with more compassion, more love, which will improve the quality and the health of all of your interactions.
1:02:25
I've been with my wife for six years now.
1:02:29
We've been married for three.
1:02:29
And all I'm trying to share is the journey and the process of figuring it out.
1:02:34
That's all I'm trying to share.
1:02:35
And when I She was the first guest on my podcast that I interviewed, and the whole conversation was here's all the mistakes we made in our first three years of marriage.
1:02:43
Like this is what we got wrong. you you went in.
1:02:47
That's what we talked about because I wanted people to hear how much stuff we've worked through. Yeah.
1:02:52
Because that's the fun of it, because when you can have fun working through stuff and people are hearing that, they're like, oh, my relationship's not so different now. Right.
1:02:59
Because if all I'm seeing is the selfies and the happiness and all that kind of stuff.
1:03:02
So so for me, that's that's where my expertise is.
1:03:04
My expertise is how do I share while I'm going through it?
1:03:06
And share with you just the experience I have.
1:03:11
So like I'm not giving advice to couples who have kids. Right.
1:03:14
Because I've not been And that.
1:03:14
I don't know what that feels like.
1:03:15
When I go through it, I'll figure it out and I'll share some.
1:03:18
So, I'm sharing pre-marriage, getting married, the early years of marriage, what I'm learning from that.
1:03:24
Which also is a really hard part of the marriage. I think so. It is.
1:03:27
Our first year was quite, um, interesting, to say Go on.
1:03:31
I mean, it was just like we waited till we were married to have sex.
1:03:35
We hadn't lived together.
1:03:36
My career was really kind of just started taking off, and he went to grad school, and it was like finding this balance of like who we are in so many different aspects, but like knowing that divorce is not an option, so it's like we have to focus and work on this. Yeah.
1:03:51
And nobody They tell you, "Oh, marriage is work. Marriage is work."
1:03:53
But nobody can explain it to you because every marriage is so different. Yep.
1:03:59
So, it's good to hear that other people are explaining their first 3 years of marriage and the struggles that they've been through.
1:04:06
Something we did do on our honeymoon, actually, was read The Five Love Languages. Have you read that? Love that book.
1:04:13
I I like I made videos on that book.
1:04:15
I like Yeah, there's like I made like three videos on that book, and I I think Gary Chapman's a genius.
1:04:19
Like What are your love languages?
1:04:21
I believe your love language is, uh, based a lot about how your parents love you. Oh, interesting.
1:04:27
So, so my love language Like you want what your parents didn't give you, or you still want what they gave you? Both.
1:04:32
Depending on how good or bad they were. Correct.
1:04:33
So, mine was, and this is how I traced it back. I love my mom. She's amazing.
1:04:37
And when my mom was raising me, she sometimes couldn't spend a lot of time with me because she was working, too. Okay.
1:04:43
But I knew that on my birthday, she would always get me the gift that I wanted. Oh.
1:04:47
She would always get it, no matter what it was.
1:04:49
And we didn't grow up with a lot, but she would save up, make sure that I had it, and she'd find it, and she'd get it.
1:04:53
And it would just be one thing, but it would always be the one thing I most wanted.
1:04:57
So, like one year it was like Power Rangers or something like that.
1:04:58
And I realized that I associated love with gifts. Oh.
1:05:04
So, was that your number one love language?
1:05:05
number one love language, which is gifts. giving and getting? Yes.
1:05:07
So, I love giving people grand gestures, and I love receiving grand gestures, but my wife her number one love language is quality time.
1:05:17
Because her family on their birthdays and stuff would just Time spent.
1:05:21
Yeah, they wouldn't go out to work that day. Her dad would stay home.
1:05:22
They would plan an activity or whatever, something like that. Right.
1:05:25
And so they spend time together.
1:05:27
So when we met, I was like, "Where's my gift? Like, where is it?
1:05:28
Like, do you not love me?"
1:05:31
And I would be giving her these grand gestures and gifts on her birthday and she'd be like, "I just want to spend time with you."
1:05:36
And and Okay, I want you to break mine down. Go on. I'm acts of service. Yes. What does it mean?
1:05:41
That Do you like giving or receiving?
1:05:43
I like getting acts of service.
1:05:45
Like if you want to love me, Right. acts of service.
1:05:49
Well, that's the hottest one. Right. Yours is amazing. That is the hottest one. He is a talented man. Yeah, that is amazing.
1:05:56
I mean, it's like he vacuums, makes the bed, do the thing that I asked you one time and it's done.
1:06:00
I'm like, Wow, that is impressive. Oh, yeah.
1:06:03
Acts of service is one of the hottest ones.
1:06:05
It hit Oh, so I'm hard to love. No, you're not. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
1:06:09
No, no, so that's me projecting my bias of how scary That's me going, "Oh my god, I'm so glad that I I could never do that.
1:06:17
I could never live up to that."
1:06:20
But no, that's beautiful.
1:06:20
And and that's what I mean that you are with a partner who understands that, loves that, is able to give that. And and that's great.
1:06:26
Love languages are very important in relationships.
1:06:28
And Justin's is time spent and physical touch. Okay.
1:06:33
Those are his top So I just know that like I know what he needs and he knows what I need and I think that anybody who feels like they're not connecting with their partner should read that book. 100%. I love that book.
1:06:44
I recommend it to everyone.
1:06:46
And I think the biggest thing we should all notice is until you read that book and until you figure out love languages, you are speaking different languages. Right.
1:06:53
And so it's like literally speaking to your partner in a language they don't understand. Right.
1:06:57
And so you could be doing everything.
1:06:58
Like for example, for you, you know, Justin could be buying you like the best gifts in the world and taking you on fancy holidays and all this kind of stuff, but he's He's doing acts of service and you're going to be like, "Well, now what?" Doesn't he love me? Yeah, exactly. And he And he does.
1:07:08
Like, you may be with someone Anyone who's listening or watching this right now, you may have someone who loves you deeply.
1:07:17
You've just never articulated what your love language is. You have to speak up. You have to share it.
1:07:21
You can't No one can read in between the lines.
1:07:23
You can't expect that person to figure it out by looking at you.
1:07:26
You need to tell them, "This is how I feel most loved." Right?
1:07:30
"This is what I need to feel loved."
1:07:32
And I see so many couples that get scared about saying this or doing this.
1:07:35
Or they're It's like hard for your ego because being able to have enough vulnerability and openness to say to your wife, "I need you to tell me I've got this." Mhm. Right?
1:07:45
Like, words of affirmation that I need words of affirmations.
1:07:46
And you know, the ego goes, "Oh, no, I don't really need that for my wife."
1:07:52
But you have to share it.
1:07:52
If you don't tell them that, how are they going to know?
1:07:54
You got to put your ego aside and be really open and honest.
1:07:56
Everything you talk about on social media and through your videos is so emotional based, and there's just a lot of like that inner work, especially like with relationships.
1:08:06
But what about the physical aspect of it?
1:08:08
Like, physical like the intimacy and all of that.
1:08:10
Do you ever touch on any of that? Uh let me think.
1:08:15
I've definitely talked about it from an abuse point of view.
1:08:19
But you're you're talking about from a from the other side.
1:08:21
you're married, sex is important. Yeah, yeah, right.
1:08:23
And I think that for me, my understanding is like you have to have the emotional first before the sex can stay consistent and and great.
1:08:32
It's so much easier to talk about that or go into that.
1:08:37
That's why I focus so much of my content on the other side.
1:08:38
And my content is so heavily focused on the compatibility, on the healing, on the deep work.
1:08:46
Because I'm like, if people get this right, they can have amazing relationships, they can have amazing physical like they Everything's going to be great.
1:08:52
But when you look at all these magazine covers, and you'll always see like, you know, the seven things she wants in bed, and the three things And it's always those things.
1:08:59
Like, and that's what I love about what I've been able to do with video.
1:09:01
It's that we've shifted the conversation.
1:09:03
The videos gained million millions and millions of views, but we're talking about stuff that actually is going to make a difference, man.
1:09:08
Whereas, you telling someone like these are the three things she wants in bed, like that's not going to change your relationship if you aren't compatible, if you don't connect, if you don't speak the right love languages, if you're not empathetic, if you're not vulnerable, like then that three list of this and seven list of that isn't going to do anything." It's void.
1:09:24
And And that's where I'm trying to get to with people because I don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that.
1:09:28
And I don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that.
1:09:32
And I don't want people to use sex as a cover-up for not having any of that because I know, having been in tons of relationships where it was just physical and that's all there was, that's the only time it felt good.
1:09:41
It didn't feel good at any other time.
1:09:44
I didn't go home with a beautiful feeling in my heart.
1:09:48
And then when it's only about that, that's also when it can be easily replaced. Right.
1:09:51
Because that's easily changeable. Right.
1:09:54
And that's why I think so many people go through and I talk about in my video so much about cheating and loyalty because when it is just physical, it becomes so much more easy to just disconnect and throw it away. Yeah. And now heartbreak. Yes.
1:10:05
What's your advice on heartbreak? Oof.
1:10:07
I I know, you have you have a video up.
1:10:09
It's like the five things people should do through heartbreak and one of them is like get rid of everything from the past and only focus on the present and the future. Yeah.
1:10:20
I like That's hard for people.
1:10:22
getting rid of visual triggers.
1:10:24
I think the challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're surrounded by the same sounds, the same sights, Right.
1:10:28
and the same people that we were in our past.
1:10:32
And I see this with anything and I'm sure you felt this.
1:10:34
When you went deeper into your faith, did your circles change? 100%. Right.
1:10:40
When you went deeper into your faith, did what you look at change? 100%. Right.
1:10:44
So, you look at any Your heart changed.
1:10:46
But internal and external.
1:10:48
Yes, because for me when I transformed in my faith, it was a transformation of my heart, not about what I was actually doing or not doing. Correct.
1:10:55
And that's what I feel for anyone.
1:10:57
Anyone that I've witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life, their environments have changed.
1:11:02
And so, for me, a lot of us are making it harder for yourself.
1:11:06
It's like saying, "I want to start working out every day, but I don't own any trainers." Right?
1:11:10
It's like that's not going to work.
1:11:11
It's like doing the opposite.
1:11:13
You're like, "I want to go on a diet, but I'm going to keep chocolate cake in my refrigerator." Right? Like It's It's that.
1:11:18
So, you're saying enabling yourself.
1:11:21
get over the past, but I'm going to keep my ex's sweater right next to me, and I'm going to keep all these text messages that I can keep reading through again.
1:11:29
do people go back and read text messages?
1:11:31
Because From someone that broke their heart.
1:11:35
Because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful. Right?
1:11:38
The feeling of nostalgia, and this is in studies, too.
1:11:40
Like, the research by nostalgia is you always think things were better in the past with something like that.
1:11:45
So, you read a message, and you're like, "Oh, but they loved me so much."
1:11:48
And now all you're doing is reality is here, and you've got your own version of reality playing here.
1:11:54
So, you're basically writing your own movie script up here when reality is telling you this.
1:11:58
And nostalgia is that script.
1:12:01
fantasy that's never going to become fantasy that isn't real.
1:12:03
So, it's you saying, "I don't want to accept what is, and I'm trying to accept what if."
1:12:07
Those people who can't get over that that hump, Mhm. what do you tell them?
1:12:15
One of the biggest things I like Do you really want to no. No, no, no.
1:12:17
It's a good It's a good conversation.
1:12:18
I think one of the biggest things I say to people is just like, let's kind of break their space that they're in. Mhm.
1:12:24
It's almost like that person needs a space change, and they they need to get out of that zone.
1:12:30
And so, for me, I'm always encouraging people to start doing new things. Mhm.
1:12:34
I think it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience. Yeah.
1:12:37
When you try something new, you join a new class, you've never done it before. Because guess what?
1:12:40
It's about finding yourself again.
1:12:42
So, you're now learning new things about yourself.
1:12:46
You're now falling in love with yourself.
1:12:47
It's about falling in love with yourself. Correct.
1:12:49
And I think that the biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you, "Oh, when's the rebound?
1:12:53
Like, are you going to date this guy?
1:12:54
When are you going to start dating again? Or this girl?
1:12:55
When are you going to be out there again?"
1:12:57
And it's almost like, "Well, no, maybe it's about I go inside this time and spend some time with myself."
1:13:02
And I think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that because you only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself. Right? Free.
1:13:12
You never Like, we never do new things with ourselves.
1:13:15
You're always You're always doing the same things with the same people.
1:13:18
But, imagine you started doing new things on your own and now you have new memories.
1:13:21
And one of the things that we talk about a lot with people is forming new memories.
1:13:25
If you don't make new memories, the old ones will always hold you back. Mhm.
1:13:30
And that's why we're stuck in the old because we're not making any new ones.
1:13:35
So, the new The old ones just keep pulling you back.
1:13:36
So, the best way to make new memories is A, set up an experience, do it with a friend that you love.
1:13:41
And when you go out there, it's this technique that's often used for grounding in therapy and everything, but I use it for presence and that's how we were trained in it as monks.
1:13:47
When you go somewhere and you're like, "I want to take a mental picture of this."
1:13:51
How many times have you ever said that?
1:13:52
Where you go somewhere you're like, "I want to Yeah.
1:13:54
have this in my mind and I want to keep it forever."
1:13:56
And the iPhone camera is not going to capture that. going to do it.
1:13:59
It's not going to keep it emotionally.
1:14:00
And I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that are new.
1:14:04
So, the best way to do it is called 5-4-3-2-1. Okay.
1:14:06
So, when you're in a space and let's say I want to do it of this, I look at five things that I can see.
1:14:12
So, five things that I can see right now.
1:14:14
So, I'm going to say you, obviously, Yeah.
1:14:16
important part of the memory. You're important, too. I'm doing it with you. Doing it with you.
1:14:20
Yeah, I'm going to say the rug. So, I'm going for space.
1:14:23
I'm going to look at the ceiling.
1:14:23
So, 1 2 3 4, I'm going to say the couch.
1:14:25
So, now five things that I can see.
1:14:29
The second thing is four things that you can touch. Okay.
1:14:31
So, four things I can touch.
1:14:33
My silky dress, my really dry skin.
1:14:36
You're good at descriptions.
1:14:36
Silky dress, dry skin, this is good. Textured rug, yeah. And oh, my glass Yeah. Perfect things. Amazing.
1:14:45
Three things that you can hear. I can hear the light. Yes.
1:14:51
I can hear myself swallow and I can hear your voice. Perfect.
1:14:54
And then two things that you can smell.
1:14:56
I can smell my garlic breath.
1:15:00
And Um I'm having a hard time smelling basically anything because I'm 7 months pregnant, but enough.
1:15:08
You can hear how clogged I am. Yeah, me too. But maybe my perfume. Okay, great.
1:15:12
And then one thing about me. Yeah, no, that's good.
1:15:13
And then one thing you can taste. Garlic. Great.
1:15:17
So So if you did that in an experience All you have to do to to make a mental picture take a mental picture of everything is do 5-4-3-2-1.
1:15:26
Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I really like that. Yeah, it's beautiful.
1:15:35
And And this is what I mean by when you're going through a breakup, the biggest mistake you make is the old memories hold you back because you don't know how to make new memories.
1:15:41
And so my my advice to everyone is go and make new memories.
1:15:45
The first time I actually met Radhi was before I became a monk.
1:15:51
And I met her very briefly.
1:15:51
I thought she was beautiful and and and attractive, but I didn't really think anything of it.
1:15:59
Like I just I genuinely just was so focused on what I was doing in life at that time and I was so spiritually inclined and spiritually focused that I I literally didn't think anything of it.
1:16:12
Yeah, and my mom introduced me to you. Yes.
1:16:14
So I should tell that story. Yeah.
1:16:16
So actually I met Radhi's mom even before I met her. Yeah.
1:16:20
And so I was training to become a monk and I met Radhi's mom and I was asked to show her how to do a particular service at the temple.
1:16:32
So I had to take her around etc.
1:16:35
Now the incredible thing about this is that that is the only time you ever while I was there that I was ever asked to show another person how to do this service.
1:16:46
So the one day that I had to show someone how to do this particular service, this voluntary service at the temple was the one day that her mom turned up.
1:16:54
And at that time I didn't know she had a daughter, I didn't know anything about this lady.
1:16:58
I was like, oh she's around my mom's age.
1:17:02
And and she was she was wonderful and and we got along but I was just showing her what to do and then literally didn't speak to her. No.
1:17:07
And then my mom wanted me to get more involved and I really wanted to get more involved in like the spiritual side of my life and so she met him and wanted me to get introduced to the youth community there and so she passed on my number to you but you passed it on to your sister. Yeah, absolutely.
1:17:27
Yeah, so I passed it on to my sister.
1:17:29
I was like, no I need to stay focused, do my thing.
1:17:31
And my sister's very spiritually inclined too. Big shout out to Amy.
1:17:34
And and then yeah, and then you guys got connected and you became friends.
1:17:39
Yeah, and actually at that point my mom had said to me, oh you know I met this really nice really nice guy at the temple and she was like to me, oh after I met him I prayed and I was like, I hope my daughter meets somebody like this.
1:17:48
I know he's going to be a monk but I hope she meets someone that's like this cuz he seems really nice.
1:17:55
Little did he know what was going to happen.
1:17:58
And then and then what happened? He became a monk. Mhm. I heard you speak.
1:18:02
Oh, I heard him speak all the time because he used to do lots of youth programs or university talks.
1:18:08
And so Sessions on philosophy and meditation.
1:18:13
Yeah, philosophy and meditation and I was just like, oh my gosh he's such an incredible speaker and the way that he makes such incredible wisdom so relevant to us who were like young teenagers or Yeah, yeah not young teenagers. teenager. I was a teenager. I was a teenager. No, you weren't. No, you weren't. No, I wasn't. How old was I?
1:18:32
One thing you're going to realize is I'm the one who at time.
1:18:34
I'm the one who remembers all the dates.
1:18:36
I'm the one who remembers everything.
1:18:38
Yeah, I don't remember anything.
1:18:39
I barely remember things that happened like 2 years ago.
1:18:40
Um so, no, I wasn't a teenager. I was out of university.
1:18:45
Which feels like a long time ago. So, I was in my 20s.
1:18:47
And uh yeah, I saw him speaking.
1:18:50
I just thought it was so incredible how he was able to articulate such Yeah, such deep wisdom in a way that was so relevant to people who were so young and and probably wouldn't have been so interested in reading a book about it.
1:19:03
Um and so, I was in awe of him.
1:19:03
And he also looked really cool. He had like a bald head.
1:19:07
He didn't look like the type of person who was going to be speaking about these things.
1:19:10
He had like tattoos and a bald head, but then he was in robes.
1:19:13
And I was like, "This is really, really cool, but weird at the same time." He was so strange. Yeah.
1:19:21
And and then it was then when I left being a monk, which is a whole story in itself.
1:19:25
We can talk about that another day.
1:19:28
When I when I left being a monk, her and my sister were really, really close.
1:19:30
And me and my sister are really, really close. I trust my sister.
1:19:33
She's one of my best friends.
1:19:35
And I sat down with her one day and she said, "Well, you know what? Radhi likes someone."
1:19:40
And and I was just like, "Oh, who?"
1:19:43
And I was thinking she was going to say some other person's name.
1:19:46
And she's like, "She really likes you."
1:19:47
And I was like, "Oh, I I really like her.
1:19:50
Like I'd love to get to know her better." And we we'd interacted.
1:19:53
We'd had we'd gotten to know each other a bit better because we'd organized charity events together, etc.
1:19:59
And so, I'd seen her not in the role of being a girlfriend, obviously, or someone that I was dating.
1:20:06
I'd seen her interact with other people, other other humans uh inside a project management organization organizing events.
1:20:15
So, I'd seen her personality and like observed how she behaved around certain people, how she had talked to people, how she interacted with people.
1:20:24
And and based on all those things, I I thought she was a great person.
1:20:25
So, when my sister told me that, I was I was secretly quite happy as well.
1:20:29
And I always heard about him through his sister and his sister would talk about him with so much love and affection and he treats her like she's his baby.
1:20:37
No matter how old she gets, she's literally like his baby and I used to see like conversations between them and I used to be like, "Oh my gosh, he's so sweet.
1:20:43
Like he's so sweet even though he's Yeah, he's gone off being a monk, but he was still really, really caring and loving towards towards his sister and his family."
1:20:52
And then yeah, I had told her that I liked him before before uh he knew about it or before he'd probably even thought about it. Yeah. Yeah.
1:21:00
So then that was it really. That's how we met.
1:21:02
We almost met before I became a monk.
1:21:03
But we hadn't even had a conversation.
1:21:08
Yeah, never had conversations, never spoke, but but it just seen each other in our own elements. Yeah.
1:21:13
And then when I left left being a monk, uh you know, later that year we we started going out.
1:21:21
So that was around the towards the end of 2013.
1:21:24
And then it just went really fast.
1:21:26
We both We both kind of as soon as we spoke about it, we both knew that we wanted to be with each other.
1:21:30
And we were really certain about it and it could have gone really wrong, but we were like we could have both been really crazy.
1:21:37
Um but it ended up just working out.
1:21:40
We both really had kind of understood each other just by observing one another, I guess.
1:21:43
And um there were a few surprises, I'm sure.
1:21:46
But um we Yeah, we got along straight away and we were both pretty much went from, "Yeah, I really like you." to, "Yeah, I love you." in like a day.
1:21:53
And then it was like, "Yeah, we want to get married in like a week." Yeah.
1:21:57
And then we didn't get married in a week, but we wanted to We said we wanted to get married eventually in a week after that.
1:22:01
Um and then we ended up spending a lot of time at each other's homes, right?
1:22:04
Um he was spending a lot of time at my house for ages.
1:22:09
Um I mean, that's pretty much where I took him to have all of our dates because I loved being around my family and I was like best of both worlds.
1:22:17
I can be around the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and the people that I've spent most of my life with.
1:22:21
Um and so yeah, most of our dates would would involve my parents um and my sister and my brother-in-law of the time.
1:22:29
And so, we got to know each other kind of in our own environments as well really fast, which I think helped us fast forward a lot easier. Yeah, absolutely.
1:22:38
And and I remember that my sister gave me like an action plan.
1:22:41
She's like, "This is what you're going to get along on.
1:22:43
This is what you're going to struggle with.
1:22:44
And these are going to be your challenges."
1:22:45
And And And I definitely owe it to her to bring us together.
1:22:49
Yeah, I absolutely agree. She was.
1:22:51
us being together, my sister definitely.
1:22:53
And And she was like she because she knows me so well and I feel she got to know you well as well.
1:22:57
She was just like, "This is what you guys are going to agree on.
1:23:00
This is what you're not going to agree on.
1:23:01
This is you know, it was just It was so nice to have that." Yeah.
1:23:05
Because you could go into a relationship having more understanding of the other person.
1:23:09
Can I just say one of the things she said that we wouldn't get along on is Bollywood because I loved Bollywood songs and films at the time.
1:23:15
But, you like a good Bollywood song. Questionable. Once in a while. Questionable. Yeah, questionable.
1:23:20
But, I I decided to get over that.
1:23:23
And And you you barely Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:23:25
You've got to got to love it. Still love a lot for it.
1:23:26
Yeah, but yeah, we spent a lot of time with each other's parents' homes and with our families, which was great because you were to be yourself.
1:23:32
I used to love what your mom used to tell you. My mom was so funny.
1:23:35
So, obviously like it was a person to her that was, you know, we were dating and so usually you would put in a lot of effort in the way that you dress and doing your hair when the person you're dating comes over.
1:23:51
But, yeah, I would literally be in the same clothes that I was wearing like the whole day, which was pretty much like pajama bottoms and and a really scruffed up.
1:23:58
My mom would be like, "Do you not want to maybe, you know, put a different top on?
1:24:01
Or you don't want to change your trousers?" I'm like, "No, Mom.
1:24:03
If he can't love me in what I'm wearing right now, which is what he's probably going to see me in for the rest of his life, then it's just not meant to be. Okay?
1:24:10
We like he has to love me for" And she would "Okay, but you could try, you know, a little bit." I was like, "No." And it worked, so. It's yeah.
1:24:20
And she's is beautiful and cute.
1:24:20
Like even though she's dressed all about chic, I'm just like I love it, you know?
1:24:24
And And it's quite nice actually.
1:24:24
Like I I genuinely believe this.
1:24:27
Like I've I've rarely see her with makeup on.
1:24:29
And so like it's it's fun when you when you fall in love with someone based on who they are and their personality and their energy and all of that beauty shines through. So, yeah. I love you.
1:24:39
So, that leads us nicely on to the next point that our friends wanted to discuss, which is what's the key to starting off a relationship well? What's the key to that?
1:24:50
Like what's the key to starting it off well?
1:24:52
So, one thing for me was was this, that because we didn't see each other in dating environments a lot.
1:25:00
I feel like dating environments put this pressure of being in an interview.
1:25:03
So, I compare dates to interviews.
1:25:04
It's almost like you have to put your best foot forward.
1:25:08
You wear your best clothes.
1:25:08
You try and say all the best things.
1:25:10
And even if it's not the best actually, it's us trying to be right.
1:25:14
And that's what we do in interviews.
1:25:16
When you go to an interview for a job, it's like you want to be the right fit. For that person. Yeah.
1:25:21
And that's what happens in a dating scenario.
1:25:21
Like you're sitting opposite a desk just like you do in an interview.
1:25:24
And then someone's asking you a question and you're like, "Okay, well, what do I have to say to make them like me?"
1:25:29
Or to say the right thing.
1:25:29
Whereas we didn't really get to do that.
1:25:30
And I'm not saying that that was a conscious choice, but now when I look back at it and I reflect on it and introspect on it, I'm like we didn't really get an opportunity No. to date in that sense.
1:25:41
And that means that I got exposed to the real her either by seeing her in a charity organization, seeing her in a real life scenario, how does she treat normal people, and then how she is with her family.
1:25:55
And I'm like, "That's the best view you can get of someone."
1:25:57
And so, when I look at that in terms of giving advice or tips or whatever, my recommendation is be around people that you're thinking about being with in an environment where they're just being themselves.
1:26:08
Because chances are if you like them the way they are when they are with other people, then you're likely to love them when they're with you, too.
1:26:15
And so often we only see people that we are considering being romantic with or dating, etc.
1:26:21
We only see them in dates and dinners and movie nights and whatever it is, right? Mhm. Yeah, I agree.
1:26:27
I feel like you see And I also seeing people with the people that they're closest to because you can't really fake it with the people that you're closest to.
1:26:35
I mean, and if you can, you can do it for a really short period of time.
1:26:37
And you also end up seeing them being probably at their worst and at their best because you can be the most loving to your family, but you can also be the worst person towards your family because they're the ones that accept it.
1:26:47
And so, yeah, I feel like you get a good image of who the person is through through interacting with them that way. Absolutely, yeah. Good point. Thanks. Nicely said. It's true, yeah.
1:26:57
And And And the other thing is I So, when we first got together, I'd left being a monk probably like 7 months before.
1:27:05
So, it'd been like a 7-month gap. And I didn't have a job. Mhm. I had I had no job. I had no money. No.
1:27:11
I was getting rejected left, right, and center from every single place that I was applying to because I'd been a monk for 3 years and no one wanted to hire someone who had monk written on their resume.
1:27:24
Like, no one's like, "Oh, yeah, I would love your transferable skills."
1:27:27
Like, you know, like, "What do you know?"
1:27:28
And so, "Oh, you can meditate for 4 hours. Great.
1:27:31
We need that in our organization."
1:27:32
So, it was just There was no I had nothing, really. Yeah.
1:27:36
And that's a great way to start dating someone because there's very I remember I used to save up.
1:27:42
So, I used to like try and work Oh, yeah.
1:27:46
And I was doing everything I could to save up. I was tutoring.
1:27:47
So, I would like I'd be tutoring young people for their exams or university exams, etc.
1:27:54
And I'd I'd be making like, you know, 15 pounds an hour or whatever it was.
1:27:56
And I remember I'd save up so I could take her out on a date at the end of the month and so that we could do something fun.
1:28:03
And And I loved the fact I loved that because I met her at a time when when I had nothing and she accepted me for it.
1:28:12
I love her for that and also her parents were always really cool about it.
1:28:14
So sometimes that can be a big pressure from parents and expectations, but her parents were really cool about it.
1:28:21
They never made me feel uncomfortable about it or anything.
1:28:24
And my parents obviously were very comfortable with me.
1:28:26
They were just like follow your heart, do what's right for you. Very very encouraging.
1:28:31
And I'm I'm not I don't come from a well-off background at all or anything.
1:28:34
So it's not that I had a backup plan, but my parents were still very very encouraging and supportive.
1:28:41
Yeah, I I I that was never in my mind to be honest.
1:28:44
I was I knew I wanted to be with you.
1:28:46
And so I was like to my mom, even if we end up living in a really tiny house just by like near the temple that I used to go to and just I know that I want to spend my life with him.
1:28:55
So whatever it ends up being and you were really really enthusiastic and you had so much purpose and even from the beginning like you were so driven to do whatever you wanted to do.
1:29:04
I didn't know what that was at the time.
1:29:07
But you were so driven that I just knew whatever it was.
1:29:10
Whatever we were meant to be was what was going to happen.
1:29:11
And so and I knew you would never you would always like going to be there to take care of me.
1:29:16
And I felt that from the beginning.
1:29:18
Like I always felt supported.
1:29:19
You want to hold hands here? I'm not good at PDA.
1:29:20
So I'm going to not do that. Oh my god.
1:29:23
You're rejected on camera.
1:29:27
Um yeah, so that was It was it was really nice and I feel like he had a lot of the qualities that I always felt I would always grow up saying, oh I really want a husband that was like my dad.
1:29:36
Like I love my dad and he was always someone that I felt very protected and supported by.
1:29:39
And so I did definitely now looking back at it, I felt those qualities in him as I got to know him.
1:29:45
And so I thought yeah, that was that was nice.
1:29:47
And my parents yeah, my parents my parents didn't care either.
1:29:51
I always thought it would be, you know, you always think in Indian families that's going to be an issue.
1:29:55
But they loved him from the start.
1:29:55
He's got really good I don't know if you guys have noticed, but he's got a really good way of saying things and and winning people over by his words.
1:30:01
So I know that's why it's genuine and it's sweet.
1:30:05
So from those interactions I think my parents trusted him very easily as well.
1:30:09
Um Um I really get along with your parents. I know.
1:30:11
Yeah, and it was so great for me because Amy was already like my sister, and me and your mom got along straight away cuz we bonded over food.
1:30:18
And so, yeah, it was really easy for us both to to join into each family.
1:30:23
But yeah, another thing I think that's really important at the start of a relationship is self-awareness and setting expectations.
1:30:29
So, I feel that having done the work as a monk, and having been through that experience myself, I'd gained so much self-awareness.
1:30:38
So, I was really aware of what type of partner I needed in my life.
1:30:43
I was really aware of what I needed in my life to flourish, to thrive.
1:30:48
And so, when I met someone, it was very easy for me it was very easy and simple for me to communicate my expectations to her and be like I I I remember one of the things I said, and and this is not offensive at all, it's it's genuinely how I felt at the time, and I said that if you want a husband who goes to IKEA on the weekends and and to the cinema, like I'm not that guy.
1:31:10
And I didn't mean that as a bad thing if anyone is that.
1:31:12
thing if anyone is that. What I meant that as is, I want to be someone who lives a life of purpose, and I want my life to be about service, and I want my life to have an impact on people's lives, and I need a partner that's going
1:31:23
to understand that, embrace that, and roll with that as well, and wants to live not a normal life, because that wasn't going to work for me if I really wanted to have an impact, if I really wanted to make a difference, if I really wanted to serve. And so, that wasn't an
1:31:35
And so, that wasn't an ego thing, it wasn't me thinking I'm I'm better or above or special, it was me saying, "This is a priority for me, and I don't need it to be your priority, but I need you to understand it to be mine."
1:31:47
And I think this is really important that we should feel that if we're genuinely committed to something, when you make someone aware, and same back from her side, too, like when she And she'll share hers, but when she's made me aware of what her priorities are and what's important to her.
1:32:02
You start respecting what's important to the other person rather than expecting them to trade theirs. Right?
1:32:08
And that's usually what happens in relationships in the beginning is instead of showing respect for the other people's passion, you expect them to change their passion for yours or compromise and be excited about your stuff.
1:32:20
And and I don't think that that's the right way.
1:32:22
I think it's us being clear about ourselves, communicating that, and then respecting what the other person communicates.
1:32:27
I think we discussed that really early on actually.
1:32:31
And just to be clear, he has come to IKEA with me on the weekends. And movies, too. Yeah, and movies, too.
1:32:37
But yeah, no, I I understood the the point of it and I remember at that time when he was really pushing for what he wanted to do, he was very, very busy and so there were certain things.
1:32:47
I mean, he spent a lot of time with me and my family, but we had just agreed that look, if there was extended things that were I had to go to because with families there's always other things that you have to go to like family friends or relatives' houses for every event possible.
1:33:00
And if that happened, then I knew that I was okay with him not coming to them.
1:33:04
And I said that to him from the beginning that You're amazing as well for If you need to go and do something which is I know for you more important, not because for for the purpose that you want to live, then I totally understand that comes above you just coming to another party which people are not probably going to remember. Like it's it's okay.
1:33:23
And I think that was really actually really important for us because you can always hear what other people say like family members or friends or whatever will always have a different opinion.
1:33:32
And so as long as you feel like you have discussed it and you really understand that person's point of view, then you don't feel kind of it doesn't rub off on you when people say things because you understand it deeply.
1:33:44
Whereas if you don't, then I think it's really easy to get swayed by other people's view of life or other people's way of relationships or whatever it is like you can get that I rub off on you very easily.
1:33:56
But if you really understand that person and why they're doing it, I think that can make a big difference to you supporting them in why then why they're doing it. Thank you.
1:34:05
Thank you so much for watching that video.
1:34:07
If you enjoyed it, here's another one I think you'll love.
1:34:09
Instead of criticizing the other person, tell them what you want.
1:34:13
And tell them what you want without implying that they're not doing it.