0:00
Hot towels, bro. Are these hot? Everything's hot, man. How you doing, Theo? I'm good.
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0:17
Hey, what's going on, everybody?
0:17
From First We Feast, I'm Sean Evans, and you're watching Hot Ones.
0:20
It's the show with hot questions and even hotter wings.
0:23
And today, we're joined by Theo Von.
0:25
You can catch him on the Dark Arts Tour coming to a city near you.
0:27
His special No Offense is on Netflix now, and he has a podcast, This Past Weekend, which is available on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and wherever else you get your pods.
0:36
Theo Von, welcome to the show.
0:38
Thank you for having me here.
0:38
I'm happy to be here with you in the uh in this poultry, daddy.
0:43
And I know that you're a Louisiana boy.
0:45
Do you practice the dark art of eating spicy food or no?
0:49
Actually, I got a pepper stuck in my ear when I was young.
0:52
And uh you know, there's a lot of there's a lot of ways people naturally take peppers into the body, dude. Right. Right.
0:59
When you take it through that, you know, past that lobe, over that freaking lobe, baby, that's uh That's some absorbent tissue in there. Oh, dude.
1:06
Uh you know, you never really hear the same, and you always hear fire trucks after that. You hear people crying.
1:09
You hear the devil walking, you know?
1:11
Once you've had that burn inside of you. Okay.
1:27
Oh, it's already on there? It's already on there. Oh, wow.
1:29
I thought they put it on there.
1:31
Oh, this is cool as behind the scenes. Mhm.
1:41
So, you described your childhood in Covington, Louisiana as white trash, and it's clear from watching your stand-up that it has a big influence in your comedy.
1:49
What's the story behind having to track down infected monkeys when there was an escape at a primate research facility in your hometown. Yeah.
1:57
Uh 1994, 70 infected monkeys got out and they the cops came and got us got the tallest kids to help them find them.
2:06
So, I was out there, you know, [ __ ] wrangling chimps.
2:08
When you look at them in the eye, dude, outside of a Wendy's off of [ __ ] highway 190, bro, they don't look at you like you guys have ever met. How'd you capture them?
2:16
Did you use like fruit traps or something or just your bare hands? of this No, no, no.
2:21
Uh bro, damn, you looking for [ __ ] death, dude.
2:23
You'll die if you go near a chimp with your hands out like this. So, we'll be eating you.
2:28
We'll be eating little pieces of Sean Evans on here.
2:32
Does Covington acknowledge the fact that it's the birthplace of Lee Harvey Oswald or is that a fun fact they try to keep to themselves?
2:38
I think it's kind of low-key.
2:38
I mean, I know he used to live on our street.
2:40
It's not There's not a lot of relics or anything like that, you know.
2:43
We actually have the stall the tallest statue of Ronald Reagan is in our town. Yeah.
2:49
So, big Ronnie, if you like him, you know.
2:52
Something you can hang your hat on.
2:52
Are you ready to move on, Theo? Yeah.
2:55
If you got a ladder, you can. I'm ready. Mhm. Oh, wow, boy.
3:08
So, one of your more ridiculous free time hobbies is crank texting random numbers and sometimes having these months-long conversations with total strangers. Mhm.
3:16
Have you ever developed romantic feelings for somebody that you were crank texting or vice versa? Yeah. Uh vice versa, I think. They did.
3:22
I don't know if they did cuz I couldn't see them, but I believe that they did.
3:26
Dude, the funniest thing though, I would text like nine numbers in a group, just random numbers, and I would be like I would be like, "Randall just won first place, bro."
3:34
And I just found a picture of just Google like Asian boy with trophy and found like a random picture of like an Asian kid with a trophy and I'd send it to everybody.
3:40
And people would be like, "Good for him."
3:42
And then somebody would be like, "Who the [ __ ] is Randall?"
3:44
And somebody else would be like, "Take me off of this chain, you know?"
3:49
And I'd be like, "Y'all [ __ ] y'all.
3:50
Y'all weren't there, dude.
3:50
You guys should support this kid, man.
3:51
So, then you have all these people I "I to argue with about this fictional Viet with this trophy, you know? Beautiful.
3:58
And that's my America, really, you know?
4:02
But, thanks for asking about it.
4:02
But, yeah, I mean, it was, you know, I quit doing it because now the laws are a little bit different.
4:06
I think now it's more risqué.
4:07
And there were some times maybe that I'm not like super proud of.
4:11
But, anyway, I don't know why I'm just rambling.
4:12
I'm kind of nervous, I guess. You are? Yeah. The spice or is it me?
4:17
Is it it's this cream-colored hoodie, right? holy [ __ ] dude.
4:20
Let's have Chris D'Elia flashbacks right here, dude. Damn, does he dress you? You know what?
4:24
Me and Chris ran into each other at Equinox yesterday. We had a nice chat. Yeah. I bet you did.
4:29
And he straight-up [ __ ] Voldemort to that shirt on to you. Dude.
4:34
That guy, you know, his his his dogs that are on his Instagram, they're not even really his.
4:37
A lady brings them over and they use them in pictures and takes them home. Damn.
4:41
That's breaking news right there. it's crazy, bro.
4:45
You just got exposed, Chris. I mean, look, dude. Somebody has to, man.
4:48
Somebody has to take that tall fella down.
4:50
And you know, he used to manage a Macaroni Grill and he doesn't talk about that. Really? Yeah. And I made that up.
5:00
This is the closest I've ever been to like on a date with a man. It's good.
5:06
So, being from New Orleans, I know that you're a huge Saints fan.
5:07
And I don't mean to dig up any old wounds.
5:09
But, is it true that you had an ex-girlfriend cheat on you with one of the offensive linemen?
5:16
Damn, boy, you guys are good. Yes, I did.
5:21
At least one of them, you know? She's a prolific woman. Uh Yes, I did.
5:27
And one time she took me to a game, he had got the ti- she had given her the tickets, and she took me to the game.
5:32
We're sitting in his seats.
5:32
And I was just sitting there cheering for him. I didn't even know.
5:35
Do you think that it was just a bad call that kept the Saints out of the Super Bowl this year?
5:38
Do you think it's possible that there was something more sinister at play?
5:42
I still blame the the play-calling.
5:42
You know, Sean Payton wants to be cute all the time.
5:45
Do you have a favorite Manning brother? Ooh.
5:50
What about the one with the short arms, Cooper?
5:51
Who's that one with the short arms? Yeah.
5:55
It's got to be Cooper, dog. Cooper, yeah.
5:58
[ __ ] throwing mortgages to people, bro.
6:00
I went to a party one time when Eli was in college and I went to a party at his apartment and he wore a cowboy hat and I thought it was the weirdest [ __ ] thing I'd ever seen in my life, dude. Do what, huh?
6:14
We haven't even added touch this milk, huh?
6:18
What's your beef with Denny's, bro?
6:20
You look You know, I just had a joke that whoa, something caught me. Mhm. Damn, bro. It gets real out there.
6:30
someone has [ __ ] broke in the back door, you know?
6:32
Like I shouldn't have left that key under the pot, bro.
6:35
Something [ __ ] caught me. Mhm. Head on a swivel. Yeah.
6:39
Um, it just started to get to the point where it was like I just felt like a victim every time I left there and I didn't feel good about myself when I would leave Denny's.
6:45
It doesn't even taste like food.
6:46
It's like you're just programmed to go in there.
6:47
People are always fist fight.
6:49
If it were anything else, they'd shut it down.
6:53
Have you noticed this trend of fast food chains putting together comedy Twitter accounts? Yeah.
6:59
Do you have a take on that?
7:01
Yeah, the Arby's one is the best, man. with the Arby's one? Oh, dude.
7:06
I love to see that big hat [ __ ] fist fight Grimace, bro.
7:08
I say these people should get out on the street, you know?
7:11
I say take it from the tweet to the street, son, you know?
7:13
I'd love to see that big Arby's hat [ __ ] fist fight couple of them fry guys or whatever those little fellows' names are, you know?
7:22
Wendy's chick on the top rope, the flying elbow. comes in, dude.
7:25
Just an angry redhead just [ __ ] flying in and Carl's Jr.
7:30
gets in there, whatever he is, you know?
7:35
How you doing so far, Anthony? I feel like very good.
7:37
Yeah, I feel like good, too, man. I was so scared. Really? Oh, dude. I was so scared, man. And I felt bad.
7:41
My mom's putting her husband in the hospice today.
7:45
He's like 90-something and I'm sorry to hear that. Me, too. Sorry.
7:48
Shouldn't have said that, but and I'm trying to tell her about this [ __ ] hot wings I'm about to eat.
7:55
It was so selfish, but I was like, "Mom, I just can't [ __ ] She's like, "He's got 48 hours to live." You're like, "I know. I know, but I know. Yeah.
8:04
I was like, I'm about to kill these chicken wings, Mom. Yeah.
8:06
Mom, I'm [ __ ] very nervous about eating these [ __ ] condiments. But so far, so good. Yeah. So far, so good. All right, Theo.
8:15
We have a recurring segment on our show called Explain that 'Gram, where we do a deep dive on our guest's Instagram, pull interesting pictures that need more context.
8:20
So, I'll bust out the laptop.
8:21
I'll show you the picture.
8:23
You just tell me the bigger story. Does that sound good? Yeah. All right. Laptop, please. All right, Theo.
8:36
What was your biggest challenge in climbing Mount Kilimanjaro?
8:40
Probably doing doodies outdoors at that altitude.
8:42
You know, I'm used to operate my ass at basically sea level and you know, below sea level even from Louisiana, but you know, you got a whole different [ __ ] vulture inside of you at that altitude. It is different, huh? Yeah, it is.
8:55
And uh you almost have to have a buddy.
8:56
You got to have like a little Like a [ __ ] shaman. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you do, dude.
9:02
But I recommend Kilimanjaro to anybody because it's not that hard to do and it can be a nice time to spend with other people.
9:08
Where'd you have a better time at the Ren Fair or the Field of Dreams house? Ooh. Wow.
9:13
You guys have good questions, dude.
9:15
I forgot about my own life.
9:15
Dude, the Ren Fair is really a front for people doing drugs.
9:22
It's like a drug sex orgy over there at the Ren Fair.
9:24
It's kind of out of control. Yeah.
9:27
You have a lot of people that you can tell they've been up all night doing sex or sweating.
9:31
And um some of them, if you really listen, you can hear them fighting about this regular [ __ ] you know, owing each other money for grams and all of this [ __ ] And it's like I pick up on that stuff, you know, the subtleties going on, you know?
9:43
So I'm like, you see these two dudes fighting with wooden swords and one of them's [ __ ] really in it, you know?
9:48
One of them's fighting and trying to fight his way back in a half of an eight ball.
9:52
The people that go there, you see a lot of big tits tied up, you know, which I like seeing.
9:57
Um but that Field of Dreams, if you've never been there, Dyersville, Iowa, man, you're just driving along and it's definitely worth driving off the interstate for. I feel bad, man.
10:07
I feel like I'm doing all the talking, you know? But that's how it goes.
10:09
You know that, as a podcast guy.
10:12
Do you feel Do you feel like when you're hosting a guest, like what responsibility do you think you have?
10:20
Um Well, that's a good question.
10:20
You know, I just want to keep the conversation just honestly just as comfortable as I can these days.
10:26
I feel like people like that.
10:28
What do you think is different about when you're a guest versus when you're hosting?
10:31
Like sometimes I go on other shows and I feel this ridiculous anxiety because I feel like I have to keep the whole tent up. Right.
10:39
You know, and that actually makes you kind of an annoying guest. Yeah.
10:42
You know, and you're should just kind of just sit there and they'll put a ball on a tee for you and you just smack it.
10:45
And then you just load up and smack another ball.
10:50
But I I always feel like, you know, I'm I'm taking over, like I'm encroaching.
10:54
Like a responsibility and then you might feel bad even if you do sometimes, yeah.
10:57
Yeah, that is it is uncomfortable.
10:57
It's uncomfortable kind of doing both sides of some of the stuff.
11:02
What did you do before this, man? I was a copywriter. Were you really? Yeah.
11:07
You ever go on like the subway and it's like, "Visit Wyoming" and there's like a picture of a bison or something?
11:14
I was like doing that for Chicago.
11:17
And like in a cubicle or whatever. Really?
11:19
Yeah, but then to keep my eye of the tiger, I would do like freelance articles for different magazines.
11:24
So I was like the Chicago guy.
11:25
And it was kind of a crazy time in my life cuz I'm working like 80 hours a week every week.
11:30
And I was working this job that was kind of demanding in its own right, and then I'd have all these deadlines floating above me constantly.
11:38
So, that was a time in my life.
11:40
I don't regret it because I wouldn't be where I am now without it, but I don't think I could ever relive it.
11:46
Where do you think you got that work ethic from?
11:47
That's a lot of work to do.
11:49
You know, it's probably looking at myself and maybe feeling like I could do better or be better.
11:54
You know, like sometimes you'll see somebody who's got like a 12-pack or whatever, but it's like they're kind of perfecting on the outside what's broken on the inside.
12:01
You know, it ends up creating this drive in them, like this spot that they didn't even know they have.
12:07
And I think maybe professionally I was experiencing the same thing.
12:11
You didn't have a 12-pack in your belly.
12:13
like I couldn't put down stakes in this cubicle and just wear khakis to work Monday through Thursday and then have the Friday where I can wear jeans.
12:19
And then I'm like a slave to this Microsoft Outlook inbox and getting like G chats and like working on things that I don't give a [ __ ] about.
12:27
It's like that was like that to me.
12:29
Like I started getting really into the Chicago Bulls and I was like, "Oh, that's how that happens." Oh, yeah.
12:34
That's the next step is the Bulls.
12:37
Yeah, cuz like now I'm like I'm like assigning my own sense of self-worth to how good this team does.
12:41
And I was like, "That's how this [ __ ] happens."
12:44
And you're eating every [ __ ] anniversary over at Ed Debevic's or whatever that place is.
12:48
Yeah, and I'm getting like the the cupcake with the one and that would be the rest of my life.
12:53
[ __ ] killing yourself in a car outside of Hardee's, brother.
12:56
Dude, that's how that happens. That's how that spirals.
12:59
I actually love Hardee's.
13:08
What's the tallest girl you ever dated? Be honest.
13:12
I well, when I was in eighth grade I dated this volleyball chick that was like 5'10", but I was like 5'3" or something at the time.
13:20
And then on the cover then on the cover of like the eighth grade paper, there was like like from the eighth grade dance and we're slow dancing, and I'm around her hips, and she is like I'm at like her waist.
13:34
My mom bought every copy of the paper.
13:36
Like at graduation, came home and just a box of those papers.
13:38
She was so proud, but it's the most ridiculous picture.
13:42
In a [ __ ] Structure sweater vest. Yeah, dude. Structure, bro. Yeah.
13:48
Structure was awesome, dude. That's awesome, bro.
13:51
That's the [ __ ] It's like you were like her son, you know?
13:58
I had bronchitis, but it's not contagious, but Dude, my first girlfriend had real short hair, you know?
14:04
Kind of like a young man, like a Frenchman.
14:08
And she, when the bus would come, dude, she was much stronger than me.
14:12
She would like lift me up and [ __ ] give me a kiss goodbye, and all my brother and his friends would be on the bus cuz they picked him up first.
14:17
She would literally [ __ ] and I couldn't stop her.
14:21
She played second base, man.
14:24
Dude, I think we got molested. Might have. Maybe.
14:29
She might have been in her 20s then, too, bro. Damn, man.
14:33
We [ __ ] been through so much.
14:38
This one's heating up, boy. Mhm.
14:42
As a Southern boy who ended up in Hollywood, what's one way that LA has changed you for the better and one way that's changed you for the worse?
14:49
The scary thing you start becoming a straight-up weiner out here, bro. You know?
14:54
Dude, it's like Yeah, you start worrying about everything you eat, you know?
14:56
Like you just start everything like it gets a little windy, [ __ ] get scared, you know?
15:01
Did yoga this morning, had some green juice recently, had an acai bowl yesterday, dude.
15:09
I mean, Jesus, bro, you know?
15:09
If I even [ __ ] showed that to a friend of mine at home, dude, he'd [ __ ] probably just put me in a, you know, just choke me out.
15:22
Ooh, ooh, the air feels different.
15:29
Ooh, ooh, boy, this one's got some Mhm, this one's articulate right out of the gate.
15:37
Why do you keep looking at me like that, dude?
15:39
Part of it's from a place of empathy.
15:41
Part of me sees like this little kid. Sorry. Don't apologize, Theo. It's all right. Jesus Christ. Oh. Wow. Damn, bro. Ooh.
16:08
I just remembered something from a long time ago. Strong, huh? Yeah. You're eating fast, huh?
16:20
You know, that's the ticket, be it fast. That's the hack. That's the tip. That's a heat hack.
16:28
All right, Theo Von, you can see the mullet on top of your head.
16:30
It is a sight to behold if I've ever seen one.
16:35
You're really a connoisseur of the business in front, party in the back look.
16:40
So, what I want to do is show you some of the other iconic mullets in pop culture history.
16:47
And I just want to know if you can say who they belong to.
16:52
Okay, Jesus Christ, dude. Up first.
16:54
How are you [ __ ] talking to me right now? [ __ ] man.
16:58
I feel like I'm [ __ ] feel like a damn breech birth.
17:04
Feel like I'm [ __ ] coming out backwards. Theo Von, born again.
17:12
Okay, I knew that is [ __ ] uh Tony Little Gazelle freestyler guy sells them. Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris.
17:22
Jesus Christ, is this semen? Number two.
17:28
Careful around your eyes. Oh, I know who that is. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, yeah. Mhm. Oh, wow.
17:44
So, Ellen DeGeneres, huh?
17:47
That and this guy, Daniel. You don't know this guy.
17:48
This isn't a guy from my hometown, is it?
17:50
No, we did not take that deep. I don't uh I don't know. Andre Agassi.
17:56
And then one more for you. Sharon Osbourne. David Bowie. All right.
18:02
Bring in Bring in Bring in what? We got you Thank you. Sorry.
18:08
some lifelines, some tissues.
18:10
How's this going to [ __ ] help, dude? Jesus Christ, bro. It can't hurt. Hey, you're drowning. Here's some water. Here's an eyedropper. Take it easy. Hot towels, bro? Are these hot?
18:23
Everything's [ __ ] hot, man. How you doing, Theo? I'm good. I'm sorry.
18:34
I'm getting kind of aggressive. Get violent, baby. I am, bro.
18:38
This [ __ ] just feels like [ __ ] it's remodeling me, bro. You know?
18:42
It feels like it knows me at a core level, dude.
18:47
I feel like I should call Mr.
18:47
Soto, my [ __ ] math and science teacher from when I was young.
18:50
I feel like I'm doing something's happening. Let's go. CHEERS, THEO. OH, HA. Just got to eat it fast. That's the tip. Oh, yeah. Heat hack.
19:03
How do you find local spots to eat when you're on the road? Like, do you Yelp? I call Joey Diaz.
19:09
Uh Dude, he could tell you when you're 70 ft away from a good Reuben, bro. Anywhere in America.
19:14
The guy's like a GPSAMMICHE, bro.
19:17
The guy could [ __ ] Oh, yes.
19:19
You're You're You're 40 yards from a [ __ ] turkey on wick or something, you know, I'm in Buffalo.
19:25
He's like, "Uh Look across the street, you see a bowling alley?" Like, yeah.
19:29
He's like, "Look to the right.
19:31
There's an old lady out there?" I said, "Yeah." He's she smoking? Yeah. [ __ ] go in there, bro.
19:38
Like, the dude is [ __ ] very bizarre, bro.
19:43
The Dark Arts store is going to Australia in May. Yeah, I love it.
19:47
looking forward to the most and what are you scared of?
19:49
Stan Uh well, I'm scared of the snakes, you know, eight of the most 11 dangerous snakes ever live in Australia. Because they network.
19:58
You know what I'm saying?
19:58
You think they all just ended up there? So, stuff like that.
20:01
They got animals over there that smoke weed, I've seen on the internet.
20:05
People will talk, they sound, you know, everybody sound like they have like you know, like a little mini stroke or something, you know? It's [ __ ] great. And they're excited.
20:16
As someone who's traveled the country doing comedy, what's one tourist attraction that was a huge disappointment when you saw it in real life? For me, Stonehenge. Stonehenge, really? Yeah.
20:28
Dude, they don't give a [ __ ] about Stonehenge. It's like a rest area.
20:31
There's like a place to piss there and like a little They are like every time they give you the pass, like, you really [ __ ] here to see it?
20:37
And you go see it and it's really nothing, bro.
20:39
It's like some rocks and like, but we make it to be out this big thing, like it's got a water slide at it.
20:44
It's literally right off the side of the interstate.
20:46
Like, you think it's going to be in like this secret place and they don't give a [ __ ] man.
20:52
So, I think they just made it exciting for us, you know?
21:01
All right, Theo Von, this is the last dab.
21:04
We call it the last dab because it's tradition around here to put a little extra on the last wing. brother. Is it really?
21:09
Or you just making that up, dude? No, it is.
21:13
You don't have to if you don't want to.
21:15
Oh, I'll go [ __ ] go deep with you, dog.
21:17
You Neil Armstrong, I'm Buzz Aldrin, daddy.
21:19
I'm ready to [ __ ] rearrange my chromosomes, dog.
21:21
You know what I'm saying? All right, here we go. autism, brother.
21:29
I'm going to say here, huh?
21:33
I'd say heady hitter, baby. All right, Theo Von.
21:36
Here we are at the end of our run.
21:38
We're at the top of spicy wing Kilimanjaro.
21:43
And as your fans know, you've been leading this charge against the dark arts for years on your podcast.
21:46
So on this wing, we're hoping that you can shine some of that light onto our Hot Ones viewers at home. Yes, sir.
21:55
Is hot sauce a part of the bright arts or a part of the dark arts?
21:59
I thought it was a lot darker than I I thought it was going to be a lot darker, man.
22:02
But I think you really brighten it up, man. Thank you, Theo.
22:06
So I think it depends on who your liaison is.
22:07
I think who who your leader is cuz yeah, this could have gone this could have gone hell of sideways, I think if I was with someone else.
22:12
You know, do the best you can even sometimes if you don't want to.
22:17
Well, that is great advice, Theo Von. And look at you.
22:19
10 chicken wings up, 10 chicken wings down.
22:22
Your mom would be so proud.
22:25
And now there's nothing left to do but too. RIP Charlie. RIP Charlie.
22:28
And now I'm going to roll out the red carpet for you, my friend.
22:32
This camera, this camera, this camera.
22:34
Let the people know what you have going on in your life. Oh.
22:37
Um I'll be doing the dark arts tour, doing stand-up comedy in different cities around America and the world.
22:42
And outside of that, I have a podcast called This Past Weekend and a new podcast with my friend Brendan Schaub called The King and The Sting.
22:50
And both of them I think are pretty enjoyable.
22:51
And um I'm just honored to sit in a seat where a lot of other people that I admire have sat.
22:58
So I really appreciate you having me, man. This is super cool.
22:59
This is like this has been like I remember seeing this and being like, "Oh man, it would be so cool to do that one day." So, thank you guys. Thank you. Good job, Theo. Good job. Did people vomit? Wow.
23:34
Hey, what's going on, everybody?
23:34
This is Sean Evans checking in with a quick hot sauce update.
23:37
If you'd like to try the classic, Los Calientes, or The Last Dab, or Dux, heatonist. com, heatonist. com has you covered.
23:44
If hot sauce isn't your thing, maybe check out a t-shirt or a hoodie over at shop. complex. com.
23:51
And if none of that interests you, I have been really getting into matcha lately.
23:54
Matcha lattes, matcha smoothies, matcha pudding.
23:56
I don't know how I went 32 years on this planet without discovering matcha, but now I have, and it has been a complete game changer.
24:02
We don't sell any matcha products whatsoever, but I'm just saying, you should try it out.