0:00
You start to realize we just treat friends like these disposable things, which I find so upsetting.
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0:03
To have a successful marriage, to have success at work, to be able to manage stress in our lives, friends.
0:09
They're the ultimate bio hack.
0:11
They fix depression, they fix anxiety, they fix inability to cope with stress.
0:16
Multiple time best-selling author.
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One of the greatest thinkers of our generation.
0:19
One of the most impactful voices in the world of leadership.
0:24
Your best friend thinks the person you're dating is not right for you.
0:28
Sometimes not all our partnerships aren't just our friends.
0:29
Very often they don't tell you until after you broken up.
0:33
How should introverts think about friendships differently to extroverts? The rules are the same.
0:37
Every friendship should be additive.
0:38
They should be worth the time and the energy that we invest.
0:42
What do we do when we feel the people around us don't believe in us?
0:44
Anybody who wants to have an impact in the lives of others has to get used to the idea that not everybody's going to like you.
0:54
The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. JAY SHETTY.
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THE ONE, the only Jay Shetty.
1:03
What has surprised you most about human behavior in what you've looked at when it comes to friendships, relationships, romantic or It's all I mean, look, you know this.
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It's all remarkably consistent.
1:15
You know, that the problems we have at work are the same problems we have at home or the same problem we have with our friends. It's all the same thing.
1:21
You know, I can give advice to somebody who's a leader in an office or a middle level middle manager, you know, entry level and I can give them advice like if you get a response that's above a five, it's about something else. Okay?
1:36
And if I'm giving somebody relationship advice, I can say, if you get a response that above that's above a five, it's about something else.
1:40
You know, like it's always the same thing because fundamentally it's just human beings trying to get along with human beings.
1:46
Now, obviously the contexts are different, the goals are different, but fundamentally the breakdowns in communications, the repair that needs to be done, it's all very similar stuff.
1:56
It's listening, it's how to give and receive feedback.
1:57
It's how to have an effective confrontation. It's how to hold space. It's all the same.
2:01
And it's it's always funny to me cuz you know, I'll work with every industry.
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I've worked with every single industry.
2:08
And they all think their problems are unique.
2:12
And all their problems are the same.
2:17
Yeah, I learned that when I went on my world tour 2 years ago.
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We did nearly 40 cities across the world.
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And everyone was like, "Oh, what was this place like?
2:26
What was that place like?"
2:26
Of course there were local quirks.
2:29
They were like Australia had more banter.
2:31
Like everyone quipped back if you made a joke.
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And everyone in Boston was very handsy.
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Like everyone would like grab me when I walked in the crowd and be like, "Pick my girlfriend. Take me up."
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You know, it was very like active.
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But overall, we laughed at the same things.
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We cried at the same things.
2:46
We we get excited about the same things.
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We ooh at the same things.
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Like there's this and I wanted to tell people.
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I was like, "Wait a minute.
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I just went across the world."
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And like you were saying, "You went to every industry and you saw that."
2:59
Why is it then belonging and identity feels like it needs to be found in that which is different, right?
3:04
We find a different football club that gives us a sense of identity.
3:08
We find I'm in a swim club or a run club or a I like non-fiction books. I like fiction books.
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Like what is then the dissecting of that for finding identity, belonging, community?
3:19
Where does that kind of come in?
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You know, as an aside, it's really funny cuz when I do travel around the world, I don't change any of my stories.
3:25
I don't change any of my cases.
3:27
They all say, "Please don't use American examples."
3:28
And I was like, "That's fine." Um and uh Sure. Sure. Yeah.
3:34
And they again, they all understand the lessons.
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They all laugh at the same places.
3:37
Their responses are different.
3:38
Like the English, they they sit there stone-faced.
3:42
And then I'm like, "Am I bombing here?"
3:44
And at the end they come up to me like, "That was amazing."
3:46
I was like, "Well, why don't you give me a little love when I'm on the stage?"
3:48
Where With Americans is you know, that's it's all it's all right there.
3:52
What you see is what you get.
3:53
But we can't belong to everything cuz then there's no no such thing as belonging and it's not sufficient to say, "Well, we're all human beings."
3:58
I mean, you know, we're tribal animals and our sense of safety comes from feeling safe in the tribe.
4:04
And so the question is, well, what are the definitions of the tribe?
4:08
And it can come in many different ways and we can be members of multiple tribes simultaneously.
4:10
You mentioned some of them, you know, I like this football club, I'm member of this church, this company, this group of friends, I have this common interest, you know, whether it's a run club or Comic-Con or whatever it is.
4:22
And we look we look for those common things so that we feel psychologically safe.
4:27
And the quickest way to feel psychologically safe is with somebody who looks like me, worships like me, acts like me, has the same uh hobbies as me.
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Those are those are superficial and those are easy.
4:40
And the real close memberships come when we can share values.
4:43
But it makes perfect sense why we would want to make things smaller and smaller.
4:46
You know, it's it's it's Do you remember the Dr.
4:49
Seuss book The Sneetches?
4:50
It's like we want we all want to belong and the easiest way the best way to belong is if we're different from from them. You know?
4:58
And then I'm belonging cuz I'm different to you, but I'm like them.
5:02
Yeah, it's like that idea of you can only get groups to organize if there's a common enemy.
5:07
It's like if we know what we're against, then we know what we're for and it kind of becomes easier to organize humans that way.
5:14
It's easier to know what you're for when you can see what you're against because seeing knowing what you're for tends to be pretty ethereal.
5:19
What you're against tends to be pretty tangible.
5:21
And so we're very visually driven animals.
5:24
So it's very easy to default to that which we can see counter measure.
5:30
And so that's why we tend to be, you know, love metrics and things like that.
5:34
We think about the end result, the metrics, the money before we think about well, taking care of the people, the culture, the leadership because one is easy to measure and one is hard to measure, right?
5:42
Not that it doesn't exist, just hard to measure. And so same thing.
5:46
I I can more easily have a sense of what I stand for if I can see what I am against. Yeah, exactly.
5:53
And and the nuance there is yes, common enemies are valuable, but when it becomes what I would call more healthy is I know what I believe.
6:01
I know what I stand for, and I can see what's standing in the way.
6:06
I'm not particularly anti this group.
6:08
What I'm for is on the other side of that wall. Mhm.
6:11
And so, I don't necessarily want to hurt you or harm you, but I need to find a way to get through this to get to what's on the other side of the wall. Yeah.
6:21
Um whereas if you don't have a sense of purpose, if there is no cause, then I don't know what I stand for. I just have the wall.
6:27
And it's easy to rail against the wall, but the problem is what happens if you get through it. Yeah.
6:30
And we've seen this time and time again, which is very easy to rally against something, and then you you destroy it or you win or whatever it is, and then you're like, uh we didn't think we'd get here.
6:40
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
6:43
where when you're purpose-driven, you always know what's in the distant future, even though there are obstacles along the way.
6:46
Yeah, I don't even think it's the language that we use anymore in society, but there's this feeling around everyone.
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We know that there's a loneliness epidemic.
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People are more disconnected.
7:00
I think I read a statistic that said like 65% of people feel disconnected from others and the world.
7:06
Definitely purpose is lacking or vision is lacking or clarity.
7:11
And it's interesting because even though and and I don't think we necessarily talk about it in that way to your friend.
7:18
Like you don't wake up and call your friend and go, "I have no purpose today."
7:20
Like I don't think people really do that on a daily basis.
7:22
I think people wake up feeling brain fog and exhausted and overworked and burnt out.
7:28
Like that's the language that we use. Yeah. But they're connected. Yeah. Right?
7:34
Like that's kind of the space in which you sit, which is recognizing that well, we're dealing with all of these things, but they're actually coming from a lack of all of this.
7:42
I think that's really right, and what we think is the cause of things is are very often symptoms, or if we do recognize them as symptoms, we falsely diagnose what the what the cause may be.
7:52
So, let's take one that you mentioned, which is burnout, right? I'm feeling burnt out.
7:57
It must be because of my job. Mhm. Right?
7:58
It must be because of my boss.
8:01
It must be because of my career, right? It makes sense.
8:03
It's where I feel it, right?
8:05
But perhaps it's something else.
8:08
Perhaps it's a sense of loneliness.
8:09
In fact, DD Hahnel, she came on the podcast and explained this to me.
8:14
It was amazing, which is she she was in the military, and she's got her her troops, and there was an issue with with burnout.
8:22
And people were exhausted.
8:22
They were struggling, and they all said, "I'm burnt out."
8:26
And they didn't know what to do.
8:28
And there's nothing they could do because the the tempo of the operations, the ops tempos, was intense, and it's not slowing down.
8:33
So, what's a leader supposed to do when the team says, "I'm burnt out, and I can't keep up." Right?
8:40
So, I'm not even sure what her motivation was.
8:41
I'll have to go back and listen, but I I think maybe it's cuz the way she felt.
8:46
She simply asked the room, "How many of you are feeling lonely?"
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And the number of hands that went up was astonishing.
8:53
And she realized it wasn't the ops tempo.
8:54
It was the sense of loneliness that was giving the feeling of burnout and the feeling of overwhelm.
9:02
And so, the way she dealt with people's burnout was not by giving them vacations or giving them days off.
9:06
Sh- What she did was she did the hard work of helping them not feel alone. Mhm.
9:12
Checking in with them as human beings.
9:14
And I think people's burnout started to subside when somebody was doing the hard work of making sure they knew that they were they weren't alone in this world.
9:23
I mean, I love that example because it completely shifts your perspective because you're over here trying to solve this problem, and then you realize, "Oh, it's actually over here."
9:33
There's almost more places to belong, but there's less bigger places to belong.
9:36
So, in the past, like you said, you'd have church or your place of worship.
9:40
The company was a big part of your identity, and then family was big.
9:46
And now families are spread over, even myself.
9:48
Like, my wife and I don't live anywhere near our family.
9:50
You don't live that close to your family.
9:52
So, that's kind of broken over time.
9:54
Places of faith, some people have them, but they're not as popular in some places as they used to be.
10:01
membership is down, yeah. Yeah, exactly.
10:02
So, that's there as well.
10:04
And then on top of that, you have the breakdown in company in terms of people not necessarily People either love where they work or they absolutely hate it and it's a chore.
10:11
So, you're losing these very big places of belonging.
10:17
Or at least, if you see the words on a wall, you don't believe that they're lived.
10:22
And so, there's a disconnect. Mhm.
10:24
Should we be relying on our friends now?
10:26
Is that where we have to go?
10:26
Or where do you go when you see these big symbols of belonging kind of disconnected?
10:34
mean, you're touching on something which if you go back to like the 1950s, right?
10:38
Which is we went to church for our sense of values.
10:41
Work was just a place to make a living.
10:44
They took care of us and we took care of them and we were work decades at one company.
10:47
That was considered normal.
10:49
You know, you got your sense of community from the bowling league.
10:49
And you knew your neighbors and sometimes you even had barbecues with your neighbors on the weekends.
10:54
That was And so, there were these there was a sense of community and there were many communities to which we were able to partake with with with whom we were able to partake.
11:02
And then things changed, the world changed just for various reasons.
11:06
The bowling clubs went away.
11:08
Church membership declined.
11:08
Don't really know the neighbors anymore.
11:10
And all of a sudden we started putting pressure on work to fill all the voids.
11:14
Now, I want my my work to give me a sense of values and purpose, and I want work to provide my social life, and I want work to provide my sense of community, my sense of belonging.
11:23
And now let's throw politics in.
11:25
I want my work to match my politics as well.
11:26
And it's not a good thing or bad thing.
11:29
It just is a is a is, and most companies are ill-equipped to even know what to do there.
11:35
You can't push back because it's the world we live in, and so companies now actually do have to make some decisions where and how they want to play.
11:43
And we do have to offer some sense of belonging community and set of values, because that's where else are people going to get it?
11:50
And when you ask about friends, you know, I find friendship and the concept of friendship super fascinating.
11:54
You know, if you ask most people, are you a good friend?
11:57
Most people say, "Yeah, I'm a good friend."
11:58
And if you peel the onion just one layer, you find out that most of us are not great friends. Right?
12:04
Would you cancel on a friend for a meeting?
12:06
Would you cancel on a meeting for a friend?
12:09
Oh, but my friend would understand.
12:11
You know, we sort of take our friends for granted that way.
12:12
You know, if your if your marriage is struggling, what do you do?
12:16
You go for couples counseling because you don't want to just throw the relationship away.
12:18
We've invested this amount.
12:20
We're going to do the work first.
12:21
And if we can't do the work, then okay, but we're going to do the work.
12:26
Why aren't there friendship counselors?
12:28
Why is there no friendship therapy?
12:30
I I I saw what happened just 2 weeks ago.
12:33
Two people who defined each other as best friends. They talked every day. Something happened.
12:40
They both blame each other.
12:42
But there was there was a a fight.
12:45
They haven't talked since.
12:45
And I've I've talked to them and said, "What's going on?"
12:49
They're like, "The friendship is over."
12:50
And I was like, "Well, isn't it worth What about the friendship leading up to it?
12:56
How can you just walk away? Maybe I was wrong.
12:58
Maybe maybe they were never my friend, which of course is complete nonsense. You know?
13:03
And it was just so upsetting to me that the the fragility of the friendship and how how we treat friendships so differently.
13:10
And the skills of good friendship are the same skills.
13:14
We've talked about it before.
13:15
Relationships are relationships.
13:15
Are the same skills as marriage or any kind of romantic relationship.
13:20
You know, do your friends know how to hold space for you when you're struggling?
13:23
Do your friends know how to listen to you when you just need somebody to listen, not fix.
13:29
And I mean, I'll tell you from personal experience, you know, I was accused by many of my friends that I was a terrible listener.
13:36
And I would say, you do know what I I do for a living, right? You do know, right?
13:43
I'm a I'm a great listener. listener. I'm a great listener.
13:46
And then I took this listening class, and what I learned was that I am a fantastic listener with people I will never talk to again for the rest of my life.
13:58
But when it came to my intimate relationships and my close friends, terrible. Wow.
14:02
That's a great realization. Terrible.
14:05
And just cuz I had the skills, I wasn't applying them Yeah.
14:10
to the place that was actually more important than anywhere else.
14:13
The first thing I did after I got out of this class is like called all my close friends and I was like, "I just found out I'm a bad listener and I owe you an apology."
14:19
They're like, "Yeah, what took you so long?" Right?
14:20
But the point is is the skills are there and sometimes we actually are good at applying them in different contexts and circumstances at work or whatever.
14:28
And we're junk at applying them to our friends.
14:30
And the irony is is for you to have a successful romantic relationship or successful marriage or personal relationship, you need to have good friends around you because when you have stress in that relationship, you got to have a safe space that you can go vent or talk it about talk about it or get advice or get perspective.
14:46
Somebody who'll slap you around and be like, "That would your fault." Right?
14:49
When things go wrong at work, you're struggling with a colleague, you're struggling with a project, you're struggling with your boss, you're struggling with, you know, whatever it is, you better have good friends who can give you perspective, slap you around and tell you, "No, that's on you."
15:01
But then where do we go when we're having friend issues? You know?
15:06
And you start to realize we just treat friends like these disposable things, which I find so upsetting.
15:11
Because the joke is to have a successful marriage, to have success at work, to to be able to manage uh stress in our lives, friends.
15:18
Friends are But the ultimate bio hack.
15:22
They fix depression, they fix anxiety, they fix inability to cope with stress, even even the obsession with longevity that's going on right now.
15:28
You know, people talk about blue zones and you know, Dan Buettner's work.
15:33
And everybody talks about their Mediterranean diet and how they walk everywhere and but there's very little talked about how they have dinner with each other every single night.
15:39
That they are convening with friends all the time.
15:45
You know, we don't talk about that.
15:45
At Disney, all of the characters are trained that when a little kid hugs you, you may not let go until the little kid lets go first.
15:53
You hug the kid makes me cry.
15:56
You hug the kid as long as the kid wants to hug you.
16:01
And now do that with a friend.
16:04
Hug your friend until they let go.
16:07
You know, apply the Disney rule.
16:07
Not every friendship has to be a deep meaningful relationship.
16:12
But every friendship should be additive and it should be worth the time.
16:14
I have a friend who called me and said, "I'm struggling."
16:21
I said, "So do I go into solution mode?" Cuz I know what to do.
16:24
I know exactly what's going on.
16:26
Or do I go into no, I got to hold space. This is what friends do.
16:30
They hold space for friends in need.
16:32
And so I just said, "What do you need?"
16:35
"Do you need me to hold space or do you need me to offer you some some ideas?"
16:39
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17:49
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17:52
Take the next step in your journey by visiting apu. apus. edu. It's interesting.
18:01
I observed two types of people.
18:02
One type of person was never that close to their family, and therefore friends became their family. Yeah.
18:08
And then there's the other type of person that's so close to their family that they rely less on their friends.
18:14
So, when I look at my wife, she's really close with her mom and she's really close with her sister, and they are her friends.
18:20
They act as her friends in all of the ways you mentioned.
18:22
And when I look at me, someone who was less close with my family or my family unit, even though me and my sister are good friends and my mom is too, my friends became my family.
18:32
So, I'm very focused on developing community beyond family because that's what I've always had to rely on.
18:39
And and so it's interesting when you look at that because you're like, "All right, well, is it that those of us who have family don't invest in friendships as much because we don't need them?"
18:48
I think it's a good question.
18:50
I don't think it's an either/or. I think it's a both. Yeah.
18:53
And again, remember if you go back to how we evolved, you know, we're tribal animals.
18:56
We lived in in groups never bigger than about 150-ish, you know, plus or minus.
19:02
And what worked was you had your family, of course, but the community helped raise your kids.
19:08
I It's really funny if you look at just, you know, rich and poor, right?
19:13
Those who have and those who don't.
19:14
Like, if you go to a sort of a a poorer neighborhood, people sit on the front porch and their kids play in the front and they they raise each other's kids.
19:23
And as soon as you start having any kind of wealth, you move to the back. Wow.
19:27
And you put up you put up fences and you have to raise your own kids.
19:30
And you know, the idea that that the community looks out for the kids is actually correct.
19:36
Like, that's how how we sort of work together.
19:38
So, I don't think it's an either/or. I think it's a both. Mhm.
19:41
I mean, I I don't know if you've ever had Did you ever have the chance to go to Dharavi in Mumbai? No, no, no.
19:45
So, Dharavi Dharavi is the largest slum in Bombay in Mumbai.
19:52
And just to give you a sense of scale, right?
19:54
Um Manhattan is 13 mi long, 2 mi wide. It's about 26 sq mi.
20:00
And the island of Manhattan, the residents are about 1. 5 million. 1.
20:03
5 million people live on the island of Manhattan.
20:07
So, if you've ever visited Manhattan or seen pictures of Manhattan, you can get a sense of population density.
20:11
Obviously, the population goes up during the day, during work, but you can get a sense of the density over 26 sq mi, okay?
20:18
Dharavi is 1 sq mi and there's about 750 to a million people that live there.
20:23
They're not 100% sure of the exact number.
20:24
So, you can just imagine the intensity and the density, which is why when disease shows up, it just it runs rampant, right?
20:32
Because it's just so close.
20:32
And you walk around Dharavi and it's it's not sanitary and there's like live electric wires hanging down.
20:38
If you touch one by accident, you're a goner.
20:41
And kids are just running around by themselves or with their friends because the community looks out for them.
20:46
You know, it is an amazing feeling of looking out for each other.
20:53
And I And when you talk about belonging, and cuz we we do. We look we look for it.
20:57
When when we we look for for things to join and we push our kids to join things so they have these these friends.
21:04
And it's easier for kids cuz they're at school, right?
21:05
So, kids go to school, they're about the same age, they have the same similar stresses, the same teachers, the same homework, same same same same same same same.
21:13
And so, common experience is really the same stresses of adolescence and growing up and like they have very common experiences, very easy to connect.
21:19
As soon as you leave school, still pretty easy cuz you're entry-level with all the other entry-levels, uh all bumbling and fumbling trying to make a career.
21:28
And then all of a sudden it starts to separate.
21:29
Your friends start at different ages and now you don't have common experience and and I think friendship gets really gets more difficult as we get older, not less not less difficult. Absolutely.
21:37
And and and that's why I want to dig into it because I can agree with you more, especially for people who've moved.
21:42
I remember the first time I interviewed a Brit on the podcast. Yep. And it was different.
21:48
It was this really different experience. with them? So much. Yeah, that makes sense.
21:54
Yeah, but I hadn't it didn't like register until I did that.
21:58
Where I was like, "Wait a minute, why do we have so much chemistry?" Yeah.
22:01
And I was like, "Oh, wait a minute, of course.
22:02
We both talk about football, both grew up in some part of London, like had similar types of friends." That makes sense.
22:09
And it makes sense, but it didn't register because I'd been interviewing Americans for so long.
22:11
I'll give you a funny analogy, right?
22:13
Just just to just to drive the case home.
22:15
Cuz beating a dead horse is kind of my thing.
22:19
So, are you friends with everybody uh in California? Not everybody.
22:22
And you live in California. Yeah, not everybody.
22:26
No, of course not, right? It's ridiculous. Yeah.
22:27
But if you go to Michigan and you meet somebody from California, you're like, "Hey, where you from?" Yeah.
22:33
And you're like, "Connected." Okay.
22:35
Now you go on holiday, let's say you're in Paris, you're standing on the Paris Metro, and you hear an American accent.
22:40
And you, "Hey, where you guys from? You're from Michigan? We're from California."
22:44
And you're like, "Best friends." Yeah. Right? Yeah.
22:47
Because when you don't feel like you belong, you look for anything that gives you some sense of safety.
22:50
Somebody who understands a little bit about how you grew up, a little bit of your perspective, even though it's back at home, it's entirely different.
22:57
And the biggest joke is the level of trust.
22:59
That family from Michigan will be like, "Oh, you've got to try this restaurant."
23:03
And you'll turn to your wife and be like, "Honey, we've got to go to this restaurant because strangers who don't live here told us it's really good."
23:08
But if a stranger from Paris said you got to go to this restaurant, you'd be like, "I don't even know who you are.
23:12
Why would I trust your recommend recommendation, you know?" Yeah.
23:17
And it's this sense that the tourists are looking out for each other even though they have no clue, you know?
23:23
And that's how powerful this thing is that when we get any inkling of somebody who quote-unquote gets me, our speed to which we will trust them is or at least try to connect with them, it's so huge.
23:36
So, the fact that you're living in America, you know, stranger in a strange land, the first Brit, you're just like humming, it makes perfect sense. Yeah.
23:45
Is there Is there a way do you believe there's a way to feel that way with more people if we're feeling disconnected or can it only happen when it's correlated in the way you Great question.
23:57
So, as we goes right back to what we said before, which is we, you know, the tangible stuff is just easier cuz I can see it, right?
24:01
So, it makes sense why neighborhoods look the way they do, you know, it makes sense, right?
24:07
We want to live and hang out with people who worship like us, look like us, sound like us, live like us, whatever it is, right?
24:12
And that can be based on anything, but it's superficial.
24:17
Which means the connections aren't necessarily there and once you're in the neighborhood, it kind of disappears anyway, right?
24:22
You asked the question right at the beginning, you know, somebody who sort of applied my work, what would their life look like?
24:25
Well, this is what happens when you learn to start with why.
24:28
why. Because when you learn to stop thinking about your life in terms of what I do, what I look like, what I sound like, what I, you know, all of these superficial things, and you start thinking of yourself in terms of who I
24:39
am, why I'm on this planet, what are my values, and more important, you learn the language of how to express those things, you will more efficiently and more quickly find people who actually view the world and live the world like you. So, and this is you can do it in a
24:55
So, and this is you can do it in a personal context, you can do it in a business context.
24:58
And I'll give you a real-life example.
25:00
So, when I first learned my why, I didn't know how to tell people about it.
25:06
And so, I stopped asking the question, "What do you do?" "What do you do?"
25:10
I would tell people what I believed, right?
25:12
What you do is really easy, you know, I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer, I'm a consultant, whatever, right?
25:16
You're sitting on a plane and somebody says, "What do you do?"
25:18
And then you go, "Oh, I'm a doctor."
25:20
Unless they need a doctor, then nobody cares, right? Yeah.
25:25
And so, I started saying what I believed, and it took a probably 100 or 150 tries of me bumbling and fumbling at different ways of saying it, so that I people weren't looking at me like I had three heads, right?
25:34
And eventually, I had the perfect elevator pitch.
25:38
Which I sat on a plane and, you know, this is pre-internet, you know, we actually talked to people, and somebody would say, "What do you do?"
25:45
And I would say, "I teach leaders and organizations how to inspire people." Mhm.
25:51
The people who believe what I believe would say, "Inspire. Cool." "How do you do that?"
25:56
We're talking about me for the next 2 and 1/2 hours, we're connecting, we're becoming friends, I mean, instantaneously, right?
26:00
We We like really get along.
26:04
The people who don't believe what I believe would say, "What kind of companies?" Mhm.
26:06
It was a It was a filter, instantaneously, because I was presenting my beliefs. Yes.
26:13
And those relationships, some of them I made friends on planes.
26:15
You know, some of my friends today, believe it or not, I met them on random flights years ago.
26:23
it's one of the reasons that we connect with some professions more than others, right?
26:26
So, I tend to have really good relationships with folks who serve in the military, cuz I'm pretty open about my sense of service, that I believe true purpose is the opportunity to serve those who serve others.
26:39
They kind of live their lives very similarly, so the minute we show up, we're like, "Gotcha, you know?"
26:43
And so, there's at least a common thing.
26:45
I don't necessarily like them all, they don't necessarily like me, but there's It's foundation to make a make a real friendship.
26:53
And so I I think the opportunity to understand one one's own values and beliefs and to say them often.
27:00
You know, I mean, you know, when I blurb a book for example, I'm really sort of strict about it.
27:03
Like if somebody asked me to blurb their book, I always insist that the way they list me is it's Simon Sinek, optimist, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
27:14
I list all the things I've done after I tell you who I am.
27:17
Cuz if you cut that list off after who I am, I don't care what goes after it.
27:21
And the number of people like author, New York Times best-selling, host podcast, blah blah blah, which is fine, but that's not who you are.
27:30
They're just stuff you do.
27:30
That doesn't make anybody connect with you.
27:33
They just go, "Oh, I know the podcast. Oh, I I read the book." You know?
27:36
And our identity doesn't come from our credibility.
27:38
Our identity comes from our beliefs.
27:40
I remember the first time I went on television and they were like, "What do you want the official lower third, the Chiron, the thing to say?"
27:49
And And I was like, "I don't I want it to say dedicated to helping billions of people find their purpose."
27:54
Like something like that. Something like that.
27:56
And I was like, "That's what I want."
27:58
And they were like, "No, but Jay, like that doesn't And I'm like, "But that is who I am."
28:00
Like And And I relate I so relate to what you're saying because I never set out to be a social media creator or to be an author or to be a podcaster.
28:11
To me, these are just vehicles.
28:12
They're just formats of distribution. And mediums.
28:16
They've got nothing to do with how I see myself.
28:20
one of the reasons why I can speak for you, I think, but for me for sure, which is I I'm super flexible as to how I get my message out. Yes.
28:27
You know, what got me here won't get me there. Yes.
28:30
And I'm not I don't define myself as a speaker or a writer or whatever.
28:36
Everything I've done, I never thought I'd write a book, I never thought I'd have a podcast, I never thought I'd be a public speaker.
28:40
And so for me to walk away from any of those things is super easy because It's not who I am.
28:43
It's just something I did.
28:46
And even if I'm good at it, okay, Yeah.
28:50
but there are other new ways.
28:50
And so, you know, the idea of reinvention I think is sort of a misnomer, right? Cuz I'm not reinventing.
28:56
I'm just taking a different route. Mhm.
28:59
I'm just sitting there with a map going, "Well, that road's going slower. Yeah.
29:03
Why don't we try that road over here?" I'm not reinventing. Yeah.
29:07
The reinvention comes in the car I'm driving or the or the destination.
29:11
And you know, my destination is fixed. Yeah.
29:14
To build a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning inspired, feel safe wherever they are, and end the day fulfilled by the work that they do.
29:21
That's There's only one destination.
29:23
How I get there, wherever the the best route is.
29:25
And so, I I think that you see it a lot.
29:28
When people get really good at something, they're very afraid to change it because they confuse the destination with the route.
29:36
They confuse the the goal with the journey.
29:39
Even though everybody knows all the tropes, you know, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. Like we all know that.
29:43
But I and I understand because the skill set or the thing that did is what got me to where I am. Mhm.
29:50
And to change or move away from that is very scary.
29:53
And it's only scary if you don't have a grounding in why you do what you do.
29:57
Because as soon as you know why, it's really easy. Yeah.
30:01
Cuz you you start to see the hierarchy that the why is more powerful and more important than whatever route you chose or chose you.
30:07
Cuz it could have just been a sign of the times. Yeah, absolutely.
30:11
And you don't get you don't get disappointed.
30:13
I was just talking to someone this morning on a Q&A.
30:16
You don't get disappointed when the platform doesn't reciprocate.
30:23
So, what I mean by that is if your why is what you just beautifully said is to I'm paraphrasing completely, but to help people using the skills you have, if you get rejected, you don't think it's no to what you're committed to, you just realize that's just not where it's going to be disseminated.
30:42
And you can continue to try and find a new place for it to be distributed.
30:46
Whereas when you think, oh, this is a rejection of my idea, right?
30:50
You actually let go of the idea that you so deeply care about.
30:54
I decide that the best way for me to advance my message is for me to join the NBA, become a professional basketball player, I will learn very quickly that that's not going to go well, right?
31:03
And so, do I go home depressed or do I say, well, maybe basketball was not the best way. Yeah. Exactly.
31:12
And it's it's an interesting rabbit hole to go down because it raises the question, and I and I can't remember if you and I have talked about this before, but knowing when to quit. I think we did on yours. Yeah. Yeah, that idea.
31:23
Which in cuz, you know, there are some people that say, nope, you never quit, that's what grit is.
31:26
And there's some people say, nope, there's a time to walk away.
31:29
And the question is, okay, but when?
31:31
Like, when when do you apply grit and when do you walk away?
31:36
And my rule has always been, if the sacrifice is worth it, you keep going. Mhm. Right?
31:41
So, I'm exhausted, I'm tired, but is it worth it for what I'm trying to do?
31:46
Is this sacrifice, is this cost that I'm paying worth what the outcome is going to be?
31:52
And if the answer is yes, you stick with it.
31:54
If it's not worth it, if the sacrifice no longer feels, and that's the only standard, does it feel?
31:59
There's nothing to do on a piece of paper, there's no pros and cons, right?
32:03
If the sacrifice feels worth it, you keep going.
32:04
If the sacrifice no longer feels worth it, you walk away. Mhm. That's healthy.
32:08
I want to link that back, that idea that we're discussing here, back to friendship. Yeah.
32:13
Going to your point around not having friendship therapists, which I love, the idea that we don't go to therapy for our friends, how do you know when it's okay to outgrow someone or keep growing with them?
32:24
And the same as we were literally just talking about. Right.
32:27
So, friends friends, like any like any relationship, needs to be additive, right?
32:31
That doesn't mean every single time, but on balance, you you we should all feel that who we're hanging out with, who we're spending time, a non-redeemable commodity.
32:42
You can spend money, you can lose money, you can make more money.
32:45
But if you spend time, that's it. That's gone.
32:48
And so we want to make sure that the people with whom we spend time, it's additive to our lives.
32:54
You get to define what additive means.
32:56
Additive can means you fill me up, you inspire me.
33:00
Additive can mean I just have a freaking rocking good time with you.
33:02
Additive can mean you give good advice.
33:04
You define however you want.
33:06
But I think on balance, our friends should be additive.
33:09
They should contribute something to our lives, to our and to our well-being.
33:15
And it absolutely happens for not necessarily bad reasons, where for whatever reason, you just outgrow each other.
33:23
Sometimes it's just the natural ups and downs and weirdnesses of life.
33:27
You know, it's easy to be friends when you're local, your career takes you across the country or around the world, it's just harder.
33:36
And those friendships sometimes fall away, nothing personal.
33:39
Sometimes we outgrow people, and that absolutely happens.
33:41
I had a friend who we were we would hang out a lot, we were friends, we would get together, we would talk about how much we hated our bosses and what we hated about work.
33:50
And I would try and make changes in my life, get new jobs, take myself on, become a better leader, and we would keep getting together and his problems were always the same.
33:59
And you know, a couple years go by and I'm realizing I'm having the same conversation with somebody who for whatever reason doesn't want to take themselves on and doesn't want to listen and had advice for everybody but couldn't take it.
34:13
And you realize I can't be in a friendship if I can't serve my friend.
34:19
I Yes, I want to get from my friends, of course, but I also want to give to my friends, right?
34:22
It There's tremendous joy in being able to hold a friend up. You know?
34:27
And for a friend to deny me the opportunity to serve because they're too fill in the blank to listen, take advice, you know, admit any kind of weakness.
34:37
At some point we just drifted apart.
34:38
You know, I just stopped calling and that's okay.
34:41
And you don't feel there needed to be a definitive ending conversation to In that particular case, no.
34:49
When when do you need one of those?
34:51
When there's a definitive ending, I think just let's make the comparison to a divorce, right?
34:58
There has to be work before the definitive ending.
34:59
So, if you feel like the relationship is worth protecting and saving and working on.
35:02
In that particular case, it seems like neither of us felt like doing the work.
35:05
We had a good time and I don't think of it as an ending.
35:08
I think of it as a graduation. Right?
35:11
Like the relationship was great and then we graduated and we both moved on, right? And that's fine. We graduated, right?
35:16
I learned what I could learn and now it's time to go.
35:20
But if the relationship if if it's worth fighting for and you're doing the the work and maybe it's just not working, then I think then you have a hard conversation and you sit down and you just like a divorce or leaving a job, like we've we're trying this and I'm I'm struggling and I don't know I don't know if it's worth anymore. Can we end this?
35:41
Um That's a good distinction.
35:41
You know, I I I think ghosting is horrible.
35:46
You know, I'm not talking about you went out with on one date with somebody and like that's fine, you know.
35:49
But I'm saying, you know, you hear about whether it's romantic relationships or friendships where you've been hanging out a lot for 6 months, 7 months, a year and then for whatever reason you decide you don't want to and you just stop. Mhm.
36:01
You ignore the texts, you unfollow on socials, which is an act of unbelievable passive aggression.
36:08
And some people it's you have to remember what you're doing to somebody when you do that, which is especially if they can't look on the socials and see that you're fine.
36:16
There's this horrible sense that something's happened to you.
36:20
Like if you got into a car accident or something, the result would be the same.
36:23
And so they they the panic of are you okay? comes first.
36:27
Then they may go on social and discover you're fine.
36:30
They see you out at, you know, out at the club or whatever it is.
36:33
And then you reach out and they don't reach back.
36:38
Now, this So, you've gone through the panic of what's happened.
36:40
Then you realize they're fine.
36:42
You realize you're being ghosted.
36:44
Then the overwhelming sense of what did I do?
36:46
The guilt, the no you get no closure. You give no closure.
36:51
You allow someone to stew in their own fears and insecurity and anxieties, which is debilitating and cruel because you lack the courage to say I don't know how to say this. Yeah.
37:04
I'm struggling in this friendship. I don't know what to do.
37:06
You know, again, that's different from friends that just naturally drift apart.
37:11
And so, I think you're right.
37:11
I think one of the things we have to learn to do is how to have difficult conversations with our friends even if it means like I think at least give somebody a breakup. Yeah.
37:20
You know, a breakup is at least a it there's still pain, there's still anxiety.
37:24
There's still you know, mourning.
37:27
But at least give somebody the closure to do it with dignity.
37:29
Well, I think your point's well taken because I love the distinction you made because if you were working on it, if you were both trying to bring some enthusiasm and energy and trying to figure it out, you're more likely to actually have a proper breakup.
37:44
Well, you you both come to the realization I don't think this is working. Totally.
37:47
And I like that a lot because it's almost like sometimes we have the same expectations for a relationship that we didn't put energy into for ones where we did. Yeah.
37:57
And you can't really compare the two because Yes. Yeah.
38:00
And and I'll add one final caveat. Clear. Is it messy? Mhm.
38:02
And it's the reason it's messy is because human beings are messy.
38:06
We're we're full of anxieties and ego and pride and fear.
38:09
And most of us don't have the skills of confrontation and listening. Mhm. We'd suck at it.
38:16
And even if you have the skills, are you good at applying them?
38:21
And even if you have the skills when you had a bad night's sleep or you're stressed or you're feeling attacked, are you able to call upon those skills?
38:28
You and I do this, you know, a lot, and we fail daily. All the time. You know?
38:35
And and it's thrown in our face.
38:37
I thought you knew how to like I do, but I'm struggling right now clearly because I'm hurt because my feelings are hurt and I'm lashing out and being defensive and interrupting you because I'm hurt. And that's not right. But it's messy. Yeah.
38:51
And so, you know, one of the things that you can easily accuse both of us of is sort of oversimplifying all of this stuff.
38:59
And we do oversimplify it to make the case and hopefully share some lessons that we've stumbled upon over the course of our careers.
39:07
But it's still hard and it's still messy. Yeah.
39:09
And it's still imperfect, and that's kind of beautiful.
39:13
I think that makes people beautiful.
39:15
I just had this conversation with somebody today.
39:16
You know, like compare that to AI, right?
39:21
Let's say you have a fight with your wife.
39:23
You want to get it right.
39:23
Hey ChatGPT, can you tell me what I have to say to get this right?
39:28
And ChatGPT, which has been trained with all the best therapy, everything, this thing's a PhD, will give you the exact right thing to say.
39:36
And you go and say to your wife, you memorize it, and you say to your wife exactly what ChatGPT told you, and she goes, "Thank you. My god, thank you."
39:45
And then she finds the script in your drawer.
39:48
And she said, "Did you get this from ChatGPT? Yeah. Did you memorize it? Yeah."
39:51
She's going to be angry at you. Yeah.
39:53
Cuz there's nothing heartfelt about it. It's hollow.
39:54
It's not And she would rather you bumble and fumble and do it wrong, but at least be yourself and be authentic.
40:00
Can you imagine giving a 100% ChatGPT written speech gosh. at a wedding? Yeah. Best speech ever.
40:09
And then somebody says, "Oh my god, that speech was amazing. How'd you write it?"
40:11
I'm like, "No, no, ChatGPT wrote it for me." You know? Yeah.
40:14
And you'll be like And there's just a feeling of like Oh. Yeah. Right?
40:19
I'd rather I'd rather you give me a worse speech, but I know it's came from the heart. Yeah. You know?
40:24
And again, you know, they're silly examples.
40:28
But the point is is that imperfect human, and those two words are synonymous. Mhm.
40:34
Those two words mean exactly the same thing.
40:36
To be human is to be imperfect, to be imperfect is to be human.
40:39
Is the most beautiful thing in the world. Mhm.
40:41
Perfection comes off a factory line.
40:46
It's the difference between a Pottery Barn mug and a beautiful piece of Japanese ceramic. One is handmade. It is imperfect. It is gorgeous.
40:56
Versus the thing that comes off a machine.
40:58
It looks the same as all the other things that come off a machine. It is perfect. It's fine. I like it. Love it. Mhm. Yeah.
41:07
And and I think we forget that in this day and age of incredible technology that can solve all the problems for us and answer all the questions for us. It's all there, right?
41:15
Like therapists should be afraid cuz ChatGPT can do it.
41:21
But to be able to sit like this, convene, feel someone staring at you with love, to feel to cry with someone and have them cry with you.
41:36
You and I have both welled up just because the other person is welling up with us. That's a good one, yeah.
41:40
And to feel a person connect with you in your pain, to hug someone and not want to let go.
41:51
You know the rule at Disney, like the Disney rule for hugging? No. I learned this recently.
41:54
It's the best thing in the world.
41:55
At Disney, all of the characters are trained that when a little kid hugs you, you may not let go until the little kid lets go first. That's so good. Isn't that the best?
42:06
You hug the kid makes me cry.
42:08
You hug the kid as long as the kid wants to hug you.
42:13
And now do that with a friend.
42:16
Hug your friend until they let go.
42:19
You know, apply the Disney rule. I met somebody recently.
42:24
She's She's a wonderful human being and she's got a wonderful boyfriend. They're great couple.
42:29
And they were saying, "When we hug, we hug for I don't remember what the number was, 37 seconds, you know, 16 seconds, whatever the number is."
42:36
And I'm like, "Oh, that's a Okay, why that number?"
42:39
They go, "Cuz that's the amount of time it takes for oxytocin to release."
42:41
And so when we hug, you know, we hug for this period of time to give each other the oxytocin rush cuz cuz we love each other.
42:48
I'm like, "Okay, weird, but okay.
42:49
I'll go I'll I'll go with it.
42:51
You know, I'm sure the science is is correct.
42:53
Somebody Somebody studied it, you know?"
42:55
You know, I saw her in the hallway and I was like, "Hey, how are you?" And she's like, "Great."
43:00
And she comes in for the hug and we're hugging.
43:03
And I sort of stop and I can I I sort of like pull back a little and I'm like, "I I have I have to ask you, are you counting?" She said, "Yes."
43:15
I said, "I appreciate it, but let me show you something. Yeah. Okay?
43:19
I want to just show you something. Stop counting, please. Don't Don't count. You're human, I'm human.
43:26
Our bodies already know how to do this.
43:30
Stop counting, just feel.
43:33
And then you let me know when the oxytocin starts flowing.
43:34
So let's do this hug again, okay? So let's hug. And we start hugging.
43:39
And in a few seconds, I don't know how many, maybe it was slightly more, maybe it was slightly less, I have no idea.
43:43
At some point we felt unbelievably connected.
43:49
I mean, like we could both feel it.
43:49
And I said to her, "Do you feel that?" She goes, "Yeah."
43:53
I'm like, "I'm feeling it, too.
43:53
I think the oxytocin is flowing."
43:54
And I'm like, "Wasn't that nicer?
43:56
We just allowed for it to happen when it happens as opposed to applying the science? Yeah.
44:02
The science Somebody studied it and said it.
44:04
That doesn't mean you should count it.
44:06
It just means it takes a few It takes a little bit. That's all it means. longer. Just hug for longer.
44:10
Just hug for a little Just Just hug for a little Don't worry, right? Yeah.
44:12
And it's This is our metrics-obsessed our metrics-obsessed world.
44:16
Like, everybody's obsessed with how much deep sleep they got and how much REM they got and how many hours It's like But, there's also all of the the I find it ironic, right?
44:25
All of these data-obsessed people data-obsessed about the you know, and before anybody gives me because I'm wearing an Oura Ring, it haven't I haven't charged it in 2 years.
44:37
It's just a good belonging. What? It was given to me.
44:39
I wear it somewhat sentimentally, and I I did replace it with a ring that looks just like it, but that ring broke, and I'm like, well, it looks the same, so I'm going to go back to the one with the sentimental value. No, I love that. Also Oh, go on. No, no. No, no, please.
44:51
Just but I think it's ironic with people who are so data-obsessed that they want to know, "Did I drink a glass of wine?
44:54
You know, did it affect my REM?"
44:57
That the data also shows that people who obsess about the data actually suffer more stress than the people who don't. Absolutely.
45:05
that's the funniest data point of all.
45:08
I The reason why I love it so much is because you're also giving people a a heightened agency and accountability of feeling the change. Just feel.
45:19
Because that's what it is, right?
45:19
It's like if I tell you something's a great hike, or it Let's take something really everyone can relate to.
45:26
If I tell you something's a great restaurant, and it's got two Michelin stars, it's got 10-star rating, it's got everything, you could go there and hate the meal. Sure.
45:37
None of that means anything in in that sense.
45:39
It's It's your taste because you had to feel it, and that was what made the difference.
45:43
It wasn't the Michelin stars or the rating or the whatever it was, it was you feeling it. Yeah.
45:48
And we've lost that ability in a world where we're counting on everyone else and everything else to tell us if we've done it for long enough, short enough.
45:59
Have we lifted for that long enough?
46:00
You've lost the ability to actually feel Like I was talking to my doctor today.
46:03
I was saying, "Hey, I'm not sure about this whole 150 g of protein intake.
46:08
Like I'm just not feeling good."
46:10
Like I just don't feel good. That's a lot.
46:14
That's I mean, that's not even as much You're meant to do like your body weight in protein.
46:18
And I've tried a I've tried everything, but it's like I don't feel good Yeah, yeah. when I do it.
46:22
So, either yes, my digestion may not be strong enough, it may need to be strengthened, but at this point of my current strength, it doesn't feel Yeah, yeah. I I mean, you're right. It's ironic, right?
46:32
Where we trust We trust the watch, we trust the app, we trust the numbers more than we trust ourselves.
46:41
We trust what we're being told, and we're doubting our own feelings.
46:46
And so, the question is is A, why we doing that?
46:49
And B, uh should we learn how to trust our feelings more? Right?
46:54
Now, yes, it feels good when we eat the chocolate cake, but we all know that it feels pretty gross if you do it too often, right?
47:03
And so, there's also data on this, which is people who stress about eating dessert, the cortisol released from the stress of eating the dessert is more harmful to your body than the dessert. Right? It's crazy.
47:15
And so, like I I think you're right, which is where it Why we we're disconnecting from our bodies to the point where we don't even trust our bodies to know what's right for our bodies.
47:24
I mean, functional medicine This is a large part of functional medicine, which is your body already knows.
47:29
Your body knows how to heal itself.
47:31
So, all you have to do is protect the body.
47:33
You know, like I And I love that these things like, "What do you do?" "I'm doing a cleanse."
47:37
So, you're you're drinking lemon juice and cayenne pepper for a week, you know, and you're doing a cleanse. What are you doing?
47:44
Well, I'm cleaning I'm cleaning my body of of toxins.
47:45
I'm like, "That's what your liver and kidney do."
47:55
If they're working, yeah.
47:56
As long as your liver and kidneys are healthy, like you're good. You know?
48:01
And so, your body already knows how to get bad things out of it.
48:06
Your body already knows how to fight disease.
48:08
Your body already knows how to do these things.
48:09
The only thing you have to do is look after your body and trust your gut, right?
48:12
Literally and figuratively. Yeah.
48:14
Especially with the hugging.
48:16
Especially with the hugging.
48:17
Like even something that I love that example so much because it's like I love the idea that a kid knows when to let go.
48:22
Like that idea of like only let go when the child lets go. Isn't that beautiful? It's so beautiful.
48:27
It's literally romantic, spectacular, and just knows.
48:31
It's so beautiful because that's actually what we want.
48:34
We want someone to hold us for as long as we need to be held.
48:38
And I'll take it a step further, right?
48:39
So, in terms of the kid knows, right?
48:41
So, so good parenting advice is like, you know, like when a kid when it's cold outside and the parents like "Put on your sweater." "I don't want to." "Put on your sweater." "I don't want to." "Put on your sweater." "I don't want to."
48:52
Let the kid go outside in the cold.
48:54
And very quickly, the kid will either be fine or not fine. The kid knows.
48:55
The kid will be like, "I'm cold." Put on a sweater, right?
49:00
Take a sweater with you, yeah. Or they won't. Yeah. Right?
49:01
Like like there are little things that we know.
49:07
And that goes right back to friendship.
49:09
We've all been in relationships that suck energy from us.
49:14
And we feel like we have to like keep going because I don't know, we've been friends for a bunch of years, so time is the only bond.
49:21
You don't actually fill each other up anymore.
49:25
You know, people grow up.
49:25
You were a different person than you were 5 years ago.
49:28
I'm a different person than I was 5 years ago. Hopefully better.
49:30
I definitely know there are some skills that I've got.
49:33
I'm definitely better better friend. I'm a better leader.
49:35
I'm a I'm a better boyfriend.
49:36
Like I I worked on those things, you know? And I'm better at it.
49:42
It's you know what it's like?
49:42
It's like, you know, for a lot of us what we left home when we were 18 and we kept growing up.
49:47
We went to school or we got a job and we kept learning and growing and taking ourselves on, but our parents knew us up until we were 18.
49:55
And then they missed the new growth.
49:55
And then you come home and your parents are treating you like you're 18.
50:00
And you're like, I'm not We say stupid things like, I'm not a kid anymore.
50:02
But they only know you as the 18-year-old.
50:05
They've missed all the growth. Yeah.
50:08
And that sometimes happens where we are growing at different paces or or we grow and somebody else chooses not to. And that's fine.
50:17
But it we we know people differently.
50:19
You know, it's like maybe there was a bully you had in high school who bullied you.
50:23
They're not a bully anymore. I mean, they might be. But that's my memory. But that's your memory.
50:27
So you you come up with you you see them in a bar and you come in with like animosity, you know, versus like how are you?
50:33
And they're like, I am sorry. You know? Yeah, yeah.
50:39
I think that's I just find all this friend I'll tell you one really funny one.
50:44
Hopefully, you have friends that you can call on in really dark times. Mhm.
50:47
That something's gone wrong, whatever it is.
50:52
Problems in your marriage, problems in your career, whatever it is. Something went badly.
50:55
You can call a friend and be like, dude, can I just talk to you?
50:58
Like life is not good right now.
50:59
I just need I just need to talk to somebody.
51:01
Like you know who those people are. Right?
51:03
You know exactly the phone numbers you're going to call.
51:04
What I've learned is the people when everything goes right and you want to just brag, like, dude, I just won an award.
51:10
I just made a bunch of cash.
51:12
I just I'm a freaking hero.
51:15
I'm the smartest person in the room.
51:19
That number of people that you can call is even smaller. So true.
51:24
And I just love the fact that there's more of vulnerability in wanting to toot your own horn and ask a friend to hold space with no judgment, no jealousy, and no envy.
51:38
And that number of friends that I can call and be like, I'm a freaking rock star and I just needed to tell somebody about how great I am and how proud I am.
51:46
and that friend will gush and glow and cheer.
51:49
And I remember a friend of mine called me and something amazing happened in his life and like he didn't know who he could call cuz he didn't want to sound like he was bragging, but to me he but he needed to get it out.
51:59
And I just sat on the phone.
52:01
I was like a proud parent. I was glowing.
52:03
And you realize that chemical is serotonin.
52:07
That when you see somebody walk across the stage at graduation and accept their diploma, like their bodies are being consumed by serotonin with the feeling of pride.
52:17
That's what serotonin gives you, the feeling of pride.
52:18
As they're graduating, you know, that amazing feeling.
52:20
But what we don't talk about is the parents and the friends and the families sitting in the audience also have serotonin pouring through their bodies and they feel the same pride for the person on the stage. Oh, wow. Right? Yeah, that's true.
52:32
when you have a friend that you can brag to and they share in your pride, both of you are coursing, your veins are coursing with serotonin and it is a prosocial experience.
52:41
In other words, it is making you even closer.
52:43
Your ability to share the vulnerability of success, giving somebody else the opportunity to share in your pride, you're actually not bragging to them.
52:52
That's not what's happening.
52:54
You're both firing on serotonin.
52:56
I felt the same pride, joy, and excitement that my friend was feeling.
53:01
And when I hung up the phone, I was in such a great mood because my friend had amazing success. Yeah. I love that. That's beautiful.
53:06
I mean and and that resonates so much. earned. That's earned, yeah.
53:12
Because you have to do so much in a friendship of all the good stuff and the bad stuff and the I don't want to be here but I'm going to sit here and the bad news and the time and the effort.
53:22
You have to do so much work to nurture a friendship to earn the mutual joy from either one's success.
53:30
The fact that I can share in your success and you can share in my success and I am feeling more confident and in a great mood because you had success.
53:39
That just like a parent earns the feeling of pride from their child walking across the stage cuz all the sacrifices of raising my kid, now I Not everybody who knows my kid is not pouring with serotonin.
53:52
It's the ones who earned it from the years of investing in the friendship in the relationship.
53:58
And that's what you miss in all these shortcuts.
54:00
That's what we miss in all of this AI stuff.
54:02
You don't get to earn those feelings.
54:05
And those feelings are the best feelings in the world.
54:07
And all those feelings do is make you healthier.
54:10
The more oxytocin and serotonin you have in your body, you're less likely to die from heart disease, you're less likely to to get many cancers, you're less likely to get diabetes.
54:20
In other words, friendship and the hard work of friendship and earning that oxytocin and earning that serotonin keeps you healthy.
54:30
And then we go back to the chocolate cake and the exercise and the doctors.
54:33
And you start to realize the healthiest thing I can do is not the diet.
54:37
The healthiest place I need to apply my willpower is not on how long I'm working out.
54:45
But it's how much time, effort, and energy, and presence I give to my friends.
54:50
Where this is hitting for me is that the challenge I think people are having today is they're struggling to clap for their friends when it's not their turn.
55:05
So, people are struggling to feel joy for someone else's joy when they're not in a joyful state.
55:12
So, I've had real-life scenarios in my life right now, which I'll share, that immediately came to my mind when you were saying this, which I I love that we're on this conversation. Is two examples.
55:23
One person, and these are people I'm really close.
55:25
This is not like some fake friendship. Really close.
55:30
One of them's going through a miscarriage, the other one is expecting a baby. Right.
55:35
And the person of the miscarriage is feeling bad because they had a miscarriage.
55:40
They're feeling bad because they can't celebrate their friend's win. Yep.
55:44
And they're now feeling bad that they don't even want to be around their friend because their friend's actually expecting and now that friend's feeling guilt because they're having a baby and they're like, "Well, how do we share this with that person who's just lost a baby?" And it's real.
55:57
Well, like it's really real and this applies to people getting married before you.
56:01
The kids one is probably the most one of the most extreme forms of it.
56:05
Uh but it's people getting married, people getting engaged before you.
56:09
career doing great, somebody else's career hitting the skids. Totally.
56:12
There's so many versions of it.
56:14
But the most extreme one being or like the I've heard so far is this that I've just lost a child and you're having a child and we're best friends and we were going to be having children at the same time and we were going to share that together and we were going to raise our kids together and now I don't even, you know?
56:29
So, how what do we do when we can't share our win with our deepest friend because they're losing and they're scared to share space with us because they're threatened by your win in that context? Communication, right?
56:44
And this is the thing, we avoid the communication because it's uncomfortable.
56:46
I don't know what to say.
56:48
I don't know what to say.
56:51
You know, one person's the happiest they've ever been, the other person's the saddest they've ever been and neither knows what to say and both are consumed with guilt, both are consumed, maybe there's a little bit of anger.
57:03
I mean, there's all kinds of feelings and feelings are messy and they flow and you know, and the other one's success or achievement or in this case pregnancy just reminds me of what I'm going through.
57:15
It makes it just makes it feel worse.
57:16
I don't want to be reminded right now.
57:19
And it's kind of like when something bad happens in someone's life, you know, sometimes we don't do anything cuz we don't know what to say and we don't want to say the wrong thing.
57:27
And so sometimes that's the best thing to say.
57:29
Hey, I don't know what to say.
57:32
I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I want you to know I love you.
57:36
I can't imagine what you're going through.
57:39
And it must be the worst thing in the world.
57:41
I'm here when you need me. Take the space you need.
57:43
It's better to say Just say something. Say something.
57:47
Say something incomplete.
57:47
And when you say don't have to worry about getting it right, just say the thing you're feeling.
57:52
And the feeling is, I don't know what to say. Yeah.
57:55
You know, I had a friend recently who who who lost somebody close to them.
58:00
And you know, I got the text that says, it happened.
58:02
And I don't know what to say.
58:05
And I write back, dude, that sucks. I'm sorry.
58:06
That really That really sucks. That's all I had. Mhm.
58:11
I don't know what to say. And there's no rules.
58:15
There's no right thing to say.
58:17
We don't know what state somebody else is in.
58:18
And even the friend who is who who had the miscarriage saying, I love you. Please understand. I'm just struggling. I love you. Mhm.
58:27
I just need a little bit of space.
58:31
I will promise I will reach out soon. I love you. Mhm.
58:33
And it just opens up a space to say, I love you, too. Mhm. I understand.
58:37
You know, it's just a human moment.
58:41
And I think what we have to do is like we try and come up with the right answers.
58:44
What's the right thing to say when this There's no right thing to say.
58:48
And some people will handle it differently than others.
58:49
And some people will go into deep sadness.
58:50
And some people go into anger.
58:51
And some people will be avoidant.
58:53
And some people will bury themselves and pretend.
58:55
I mean, like there's no right.
58:57
And so what I've learned is is instead of trying to guess is A, just say what I am feeling, which is I don't know what to say.
59:06
Mike, I'm Let me express my confusion.
59:09
Let me put out something and be there like, when you're ready, please, I'm here.
59:15
Which is kind of like saying, I love you. And sometimes to ask.
59:21
So, I have a friend who called me and said, I'm struggling.
59:27
I said, so do I go into solution mode? Cuz I know what to do.
59:30
I know exactly what's going on.
59:32
Or do I go into No, I got to hold space. This is what friends do.
59:36
They hold space for friends in need.
59:36
And so I just said, what do you need?
59:41
Do you need me to hold space, or do you need me to offer you some some ideas?
59:46
And then they said, I think right now I just need you to hold space. I'm like, okay.
59:49
I will climb into the mud with you.
59:49
I'll sit there for you with you.
59:51
And when you're ready, you tell me, I think I'm ready to get out now.
59:54
I'm like, okay, I got some ideas.
59:56
And A, you can ask you can ask for guidance if you don't know, as opposed to trying to guess.
1:00:01
And B, if somebody gets it wrong, you can tell them. Yeah.
1:00:04
The reverse happened to me.
1:00:04
I was in a bad, bad place, and I called somebody where I just needed them to listen, and I called her up and I was like, I just I'm having a really hard week, and can I just I need And then this happened, and then this happened, and I'm feeling this, and this happened.
1:00:15
And she went into fix-it mode.
1:00:19
And it made me feel worse, cuz I just need to feel heard in that moment.
1:00:24
And it was well-intentioned, but I was getting angry.
1:00:26
I could feel myself getting angry.
1:00:27
I felt myself getting frustrated.
1:00:29
And I simply said, can I can I just interrupt you?
1:00:31
I know it's well-intentioned.
1:00:33
What I need right now, I just need you to just listen. I I'm I'm not angry.
1:00:38
Please Thank you so much.
1:00:41
What I need right now is please just listen. That's all I need.
1:00:42
And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And you can reset. I'm so sorry. You're Please, go ahead. Thank you.
1:00:49
Very few of us are experts, and even the experts bungled it all the time.
1:00:55
And I think the just trying to say how you actually feel, telling people what you need in the moment you need it, and asking for what you need in the moment you need it, right?
1:01:02
That combination, you pretty much can bumble through it all. Yeah.
1:01:08
Won't always be fun, but it's a good start. Yeah.
1:01:11
And you don't need any PhD skills.
1:01:11
The most important thing about that is saying something is better than saying nothing.
1:01:16
And the saying something part, speak your intention.
1:01:20
Like that's that's what I feel.
1:01:22
Like it's like when I'm sharing my confusion and I'm sharing my feelings and I'm scared to share them because they're messy, going back to your earlier point.
1:01:31
Being human is messy and you're right.
1:01:32
Sometimes I get a message like that, too, and I'm like, I don't really know what to say.
1:01:36
And not saying anything is way worse than saying, "Hey, I'm really sorry. I'm here if you need me.
1:01:43
Let me know how I don't know what to say and I don't know what you need." Exactly.
1:01:47
And tell me If you feel up to it, please tell me. Exactly. Right? But I'm here.
1:01:51
Just know one thing, one thing 100% sure is I'm here. Exactly. You know? Yeah.
1:01:55
And that's sometimes all people need is to feel not alone. Most Mostly. Mostly. Yeah.
1:02:01
And I think we're also afraid of triggering somebody or saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. And it's our own fears.
1:02:06
That's our own insecurities.
1:02:07
And it goes back to the ghosting.
1:02:09
It's my fear of discomfort that's making it worse for somebody else. Yeah. You know?
1:02:15
And it goes back to what the definition of a leader is, right?
1:02:17
A leader is the person who accepts the some responsibility to see those around us rise.
1:02:20
It's about caring for people, right?
1:02:22
And it's a very leadery thing to do to just be the person who says, "I don't know." Yeah. But here it is. Yeah.
1:02:31
I remember this a while ago, there was someone that I knew that told me one of their friends came up to them and said they said exactly how they feel, but it was different.
1:02:41
It said, "I'm envious of you." I kind of respect that. Yeah.
1:02:43
It was But it was hard for that person to hear it. Yeah.
1:02:47
Because they they felt it created a distance, even though to me, that person was being courageous.
1:02:50
There's a way to do it, though.
1:02:52
I I wouldn't recommend going up to somebody and be like, "Dude, I'm really envious of you."
1:02:57
Cuz you don't know the context, you don't know where it's coming from.
1:03:01
I think context is important.
1:03:01
A A good setup is important.
1:03:03
You know, like, "I don't know what to say. You know?" Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
1:03:07
"I'm afraid of saying this wrong. Right?" Yeah.
1:03:10
And I think to say, "I need to share something with you that's really uncomfortable for me to share, and I know it's revealing of my own issues.
1:03:18
It has nothing to do with you and I know it's something I'm dealing with.
1:03:22
But I'm really envious of you.
1:03:25
And that will that at least signals like it's not you, it's me.
1:03:30
Like I'm dealing with my own insecurities and my own feelings of inadequacy and my own feelings and and by the way, that same friend, you know, his career just like when I was still like struggling and you know, trying to make a go of it and
1:03:45
I had no money and he was starting his career starts to take off and like we would go out for dinner and like he'd order expensive bottles of wine and I'm sitting there just stressed out cuz I know we're going to split the check. And I am like
1:03:56
And I am like everything he's ordering and I'm just like sitting there going and it's just making me feel worse.
1:04:01
His success is actually making me feel bad.
1:04:03
And affecting your bank balance, too.
1:04:05
And feeling inadequate and feeling inadequate and feeling lesser than.
1:04:11
But this is why he's a great friend. He goes, "Hey, listen. Let's make a deal.
1:04:16
I'll pay for the wine and let's just split the meal." I'm like, "I'm good. Thank you." Yeah.
1:04:21
I didn't have to say a word. Mhm.
1:04:22
He he knows where he is and he knows where I am. Yeah.
1:04:25
And but that requires humility on your part.
1:04:28
but and and And consciousness sucked and I still hated it and I still had jealousy and I still had anger.
1:04:32
I still had all the feelings as his career is flying.
1:04:35
All it's his success is just reminding me what I haven't achieved or what I'm not achieving or you know, am I ever going to achieve anything, you know?
1:04:45
I wish I had and he's buying big houses and things like, you know?
1:04:49
And not that I deserve big houses, but he's I'm watching it happen.
1:04:54
And I knew it was my issue.
1:04:57
And I knew there's a there's a danger of me lashing out or making accusations.
1:05:02
You're always throwing your money around in front of me.
1:05:04
I knew all of that existed.
1:05:07
Thank goodness I had the self-awareness to be like, this is me. This is my issue.
1:05:10
These are my insecurities. These are my fears. This is the my ego.
1:05:11
And I I can't remember what I did.
1:05:15
I sat in a discomfort for a long time.
1:05:17
And I think at some point I just talked to him. Yeah.
1:05:22
And you know, he's he's one of my best friends in the world.
1:05:26
And now I can look at him and be like, "Dude, I'm so proud of you.
1:05:28
Like you freaking nailed it."
1:05:30
And I've known him since we were 18 years old. Wow. You know?
1:05:33
So it's like we've known each other this since we were both idiots. You know? Yeah.
1:05:38
We've known each other since we were 18.
1:05:39
We lived across the hall from each other freshman year of college. We Wow.
1:05:41
And we've always been friends.
1:05:42
We've never not been friends.
1:05:44
So you can be friends with people you're envious of and people that are envious with you.
1:05:49
I I've never actually talked to him about it. It's really funny.
1:05:52
I was actually just talking to him on the way up driving up to here, which is really funny.
1:05:54
Um I've never talked to him about it. I should.
1:05:56
I don't know what his experience in that moment was being on the other side of it. fascinating to know.
1:06:00
But I treated it like a fight.
1:06:02
I treated it like we have to get through this.
1:06:04
Even though he was pretty much uninvolved in the whole thing was going on in my own head.
1:06:09
He was just going through life.
1:06:09
Like he he probably was complete In fact, knowing what I know about him, he was completely I guarantee he was mostly unaware. Mhm. Right?
1:06:14
I remember I just I love him. I care about him. Nothing happened.
1:06:22
Didn't do anything to me. He's just doing well. Yeah.
1:06:25
I treated it like like this is attention and I have to get through this. Yeah.
1:06:30
Because it goes right back to before. The stress is worth it. Yeah.
1:06:32
This friendship is worth going through.
1:06:34
This this this stress is worth getting through for for this friendship.
1:06:38
Not It's not You can't say that about all friendships, but in this case it was. It was worth it.
1:06:44
It was worth it to sit in mud by myself and maybe tell somebody else what I was going through and have them go, "Oh, that sucks." You know?
1:06:51
So that's I don't remember the details, but I'm pretty sure that's how I dealt with it.
1:06:54
I probably told somebody else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. Definitely.
1:06:57
I mean, um I had a friend say to me the other day, they said, "Jay, you know, the thing I love about you is that you've stayed the same despite your success." You're taller. A friend, yeah.
1:07:07
A friend said that and he was just like and I said, "You know, the reason why I've been able to be the same with you is because you've stayed the same with me."
1:07:15
And it was this really interesting not that we haven't changed or grown, of course.
1:07:20
I've learned new skills, so have they.
1:07:21
But that they didn't think I was changing negatively.
1:07:28
And that allowed me to continue to be who I wanted to be with them.
1:07:31
You only get half the credit on that, right?
1:07:33
The other half of the credit is that I guarantee you that other people in your life, other friends will give me a different answer.
1:07:42
That they will say, "Now that Jay's all successful and you know No, but that's the point of my what I'm saying.
1:07:48
like he he's like aloof now, you know, it's the point.
1:07:50
Yeah, yeah, so my point is that's exactly what I'm saying that maybe I didn't explain it well.
1:07:55
He's saying that and I'm giving him the credit back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:07:58
Because I'm saying you didn't change what you viewed of in me. Right.
1:08:01
So I never he It's he he's done the work. Correct. Yeah.
1:08:06
Yeah, because he's allowed me to continue to be me without judging me, comparing me And you're right. You're right.
1:08:11
It is only half the credit, for sure.
1:08:12
You know, and you you may have changed. Totally.
1:08:16
And you may be more aloof. You know?
1:08:18
And you may be more cynical, and you may be more guarded. All of that's 100% true. 100%.
1:08:25
And some people who may experience you as different. Mhm. Right?
1:08:29
All those things can be true.
1:08:30
But I love the fact Yeah, I think he gets the credit for having the strength of ego to recognize that Yeah, that's my point. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:08:38
That That's exactly Yeah, yeah. He gets the credit.
1:08:39
He gets all the came across wrong.
1:08:40
He gets all the He He gets all the credit.
1:08:42
He gets all the That's really cool.
1:08:43
Yeah, it was just a really It never clicked to me because I was receiving it and I was like, "Yeah, but it can't just You know, maybe I have exactly what you're saying."
1:08:52
Like I was like, "Maybe I have changed.
1:08:53
Not everyone would agree with that."
1:08:54
But it was the idea that it was him that that was that way.
1:08:58
We kind of went to the end of a relationship, like breakups, but I was thinking about another thing that I feel a lot of people are struggling with friendships that I at least hear right now are people who are wanting to kind of like where you were actually, where you're wanting to grow.
1:09:11
You're wanting to pivot into a new business.
1:09:12
You're wanting to start something.
1:09:14
And what I've noticed is we're not scared of what people think on the internet.
1:09:21
We're scared of what people around us think when you're starting something.
1:09:25
Like when you're trying to begin something, you're not really scared about what some anonymous person says on the internet.
1:09:29
That's not even on your mind.
1:09:31
You're scared about what your friend from college is going to say about that video you made.
1:09:34
Or you're scared of what your friend from high school is going to say about the business you're about to start.
1:09:41
You're scared of the LinkedIn update that goes out to your former colleagues.
1:09:45
Like that's the thing you're worried about.
1:09:49
What do we do when we feel that people around us don't believe in us, are the most cynical, the most skeptical, or the most negative about our ideas? That's interesting. Even a person.
1:09:59
For anybody who wants to accomplish anything of value in the world, and when I think of value, I think of impact, right?
1:10:06
That's how I define it, right?
1:10:10
If you want to operate at a scale that's bigger than yourself, and if you want to And And when I say bigger than yourself, it could be three people, right?
1:10:17
Meaning I want to have an impact in in three people's lives around me.
1:10:21
I want to be the best parent in the world, right?
1:10:23
My point is more than you, right?
1:10:25
So, I think we confuse when we think bigger than ourselves.
1:10:27
We don't necessarily mean national stage.
1:10:28
Bigger than yourself can just means more than one, right?
1:10:34
Anybody who wants to have an impact in the lives of others has to get used to the idea that not everybody's going to like you, right?
1:10:43
You just have to get used to that idea.
1:10:45
And for me, I have rules, which is if you don't like me because you disagree with me, I'm cool with that, right?
1:10:54
If you don't like me because somehow I make you uncomfortable, I'm okay with that, too.
1:11:01
But if somebody I respect doesn't like me, now I've got a problem. Mhm. Right?
1:11:06
Because I'm not so blind and pigheaded to be like, "Screw the world, it's me.
1:11:09
You know, if you don't like it, you can you know, you can eat it, right?" My eyes are open.
1:11:14
And if there's a friend I care about who's Mhm, Simon.
1:11:19
Okay, I got to take that seriously.
1:11:19
Cuz now I'm getting too big for my britches or now I'm not listening or now I'm ignoring my blind spots. And now I got a problem. Mhm. Right?
1:11:28
But if somebody just disagrees with me, I mean, what am I supposed to do?
1:11:33
I'm I don't get everything right.
1:11:34
Sometimes things come out wrong.
1:11:38
Give me some grace, you know?
1:11:38
But if you just disagree with me, like what am I like I don't know what I actually don't know what to do.
1:11:45
It's like the the gold dress, blue dress. Remember that? Yeah, I do. Yeah.
1:11:48
It's like the the dress is blue.
1:11:48
You're an idiot, it's gold.
1:11:50
I'm like, "What am I supposed to do? I see it as blue.
1:11:52
I don't know what to do." That's what it is. the funniest idea. Right? Yeah. It's hard.
1:11:58
Everybody wants people to like, you know, I I have a lot of respect for people who like literally don't care. I don't have that.
1:12:06
Well, it goes back to what you were saying earlier, that we're looking for people to affirm, confirm, and join.
1:12:13
So, it's like when you have that idea Yeah.
1:12:16
and everyone around you who you thought supported the same football club and had the same values doesn't agree with you, it kind of feels like there's something wrong.
1:12:24
You're kind of raising something that's quite It's quite insidious.
1:12:25
We can't help but think about like likes and views on a post that, you know, we get our sense of self from how many likes we get.
1:12:36
And this video got more likes, I'm boy, period, I'm I'm awesome.
1:12:37
This video got no likes, oh my god, I'm worthless. It's a daily occurrence.
1:12:41
Yeah, like or how many views it gets.
1:12:43
And that's sort of the macro social media version of what you're talking about, which is if people like me, I must be a good person.
1:12:51
If people don't like me or aren't giving me a lot of views, I I must I must not be a good person.
1:12:56
And how to disconnect a like or a view or a comment from what I'm trying to do here and what I'm putting out in the world.
1:13:08
And the problem is it's it's the incentive structure, right?
1:13:10
Because if you're making money from views, if your sense of value in the world comes from those numbers, that's the insidious version of what you're saying. Yeah.
1:13:23
And how do you get comfortable? Like some will do well.
1:13:24
Like I can tell you I've won the internet lottery more than once. Yeah, you have, yeah.
1:13:30
I have won the internet lottery more than once and I have had multiple things that I've put out there go very viral.
1:13:34
None of them did I predict. Mhm.
1:13:36
The videos that I thought would do well, fine. Yeah.
1:13:41
And the videos that I had no clue, Yeah. went, you know? Ballistic, yeah.
1:13:46
And they went ballistic and it wasn't because of production quality and it wasn't I didn't just didn't know. Something connected.
1:13:50
You know, that's why I call it viral.
1:13:52
I I was at a dinner once and a guy I like, "What do you do?"
1:13:55
He's like, "I make viral videos."
1:13:56
I'm like, "No, you don't.
1:13:57
You make videos and you hope they go viral." Yeah.
1:13:58
And that's why this stuff is hard.
1:14:01
Now, you can do tricks and games.
1:14:02
You and I both know people who use all the tricks and games to drive the views and, you know?
1:14:07
And there are tricks and games on Amazon, there are tricks and games on YouTube, there are tricks and games on Instagram, right?
1:14:12
TikTok, they all have tricks and games.
1:14:14
But when something actually goes for legitimate reasons, it's because you connected with somebody you didn't even really know was realize why or how. Absolutely.
1:14:22
And to make those the standards is ridiculous. Mhm. It's stupid.
1:14:25
Like people said to me, "Simon, you know, after I wrote Start With Why, how are you going to write a second book as as popular as the first?"
1:14:31
The answer was in easy, I'm not. Yeah. I'm not. Didn't predict that. Didn't orchestrate it.
1:14:36
That's like asking me, "How are you going to repeat that lottery win?" Totally.
1:14:40
Well, I've studied the numbers I picked the first time and I've got a formula of how I'm going to pick No, I won the freaking lottery.
1:14:45
What do you want from me? Like I don't know.
1:14:46
I'm just going to do the best job I can the second time and it won't do as well and that's okay. You know?
1:14:54
And I think to disconnect our value from the metric is a is really the lesson here. Yeah.
1:14:58
And on the on that small scale the metric not less valuable because my second book didn't sell as well as my first. You know? Yeah, me too.
1:15:07
But yeah, no, that that point that you're making to me that micro version is that I don't feel value.
1:15:13
Like for example, when I put on my first video the people closest to me or maybe second closest to me were like, you talk too fast. The editing's bad. The music's off.
1:15:25
And the funny thing is they were right.
1:15:27
Like it that all of that was true.
1:15:31
But it resonated with someone, right?
1:15:31
It was like a weird It was like this weird thing where And And I've seen that with people when they're trying something new, it's like the people around them will be the most cynical, the most skeptical.
1:15:41
And if you use that as feedback it could get better.
1:15:44
Or if you use it as like, hey, that you're not really an expert and that you don't know much, I'm just going to get on with it, right?
1:15:50
That's what I'm trying to get at is like how does How does someone deal with the discomfort of just your best friend thinks your business idea sucks?
1:15:55
Or like your your best friend thinks the person you're dating is not right for you.
1:16:03
You're conflating a lot of stuff there.
1:16:05
I like the best friend doesn't like the person you're dating. That's a hard one. Yeah.
1:16:09
Very often they don't tell you until you after you've broken up.
1:16:10
Why do our friends feel like they have to wait till we break up?
1:16:13
Cuz it's really uncomfortable to say, I don't like your partner.
1:16:15
Could we do something better about that to Can I have a really uncomfortable conversation with you, you know?
1:16:19
Could we do something better to help our friends have uncomfortable conversations?
1:16:24
the end of the day, sometimes not all our partnerships are understood by our friends, too.
1:16:26
I've definitely been in partnerships that people are just like, really? I'm like, no, no, no.
1:16:29
You don't understand the value that this person gives to me and this person is the exact right person I need to date for the place I'm in right now, you know?
1:16:39
I mean, I had a a many years ago who nobody could like they looked at us walking on the street and people just like like I mean my friends like they're like what?
1:16:47
Like they couldn't understand this relationship.
1:16:50
And what they didn't understand is who I was and what I needed in that time.
1:16:54
She was magical and we're still friends but nobody nobody got it.
1:17:00
And she was socially awkward and like so like if you've got friends with big personalities and you know we go out and she's just quiet the whole night like my friends didn't get it.
1:17:07
And that's the other thing I've learned which is do people not like the girl I'm dating or do they just want somebody who's the life of the party?
1:17:17
You know that's a great point. Yeah.
1:17:19
And if they're looking for somebody who's the life of the party that's not who I'm dating. She's the rock. She's not the fireworks.
1:17:26
She's stable and that's what I need. No I like that.
1:17:29
I like that because I think you're right.
1:17:30
I mean introverts in general yeah in friendships in group settings Like my my family my parents have never liked quote unquote any introvert I've ever dated.
1:17:41
They love the extroverts.
1:17:44
Cuz the extroverts are fun. Yeah.
1:17:44
And the introverts are awkward. That's pretty much it. Yeah.
1:17:48
It is funny though because I'm I think everyone who's listening right now and watching me included is thinking of someone in my life right now Yeah.
1:17:57
that I don't enjoy being around because they're introverted. Yeah.
1:17:59
And even though I can be very introverted in certain group settings Yeah in certain group settings in certain group settings I'm the biggest introvert there is. Yeah.
1:18:06
And then in certain group settings the awkward one sometimes where people are like I don't get it. Same. You're dating him?
1:18:12
He's so vivacious on stage and on camera and at dinner he was quiet and grumpy.
1:18:18
How should introverts think about friendships differently to extroverts?
1:18:20
I don't think they should think about friendships differently.
1:18:24
I think they're all the same. The rules are the same.
1:18:27
You know I think we confuse introversion and extroversion and social awkwardness. Mhm.
1:18:31
There was a there are socially awkward introverts.
1:18:35
There are socially awkward extroverts. Oh definitely, yeah.
1:18:36
There are socially functional introverts and there are socially functional extroverts.
1:18:40
I am a socially functional introvert. Right? I I'm okay.
1:18:46
You know, I'm I'm not that awkward, though I can be.
1:18:47
My ex would make fun of me.
1:18:49
We'd go to a party and like all these little groups of conversations, you know, people standing around in threes and fours with their drinks talking, one over there, one over there, and I never knew how to insert myself into one of the And I know the people like but I never know how to insert myself. Yeah.
1:19:01
And so I just stand by myself with my drink in the middle of the room.
1:19:05
And she would always make fun of me that I would just stand there by myself, just totally fine, just taking the room in, you know.
1:19:10
And I just feel sorry sorry for everybody else who's looking at me going I don't even know No, people don't know how to talk to me.
1:19:16
How do you walk up to a a person just standing in the middle of the room by themselves?
1:19:19
Like I think friendships are the same.
1:19:20
Like of course it's it it's partially it's energy.
1:19:24
It's what we get from people.
1:19:25
And I'm going to go right back to what we said before.
1:19:26
Stop thinking about the introversion and the extroversion, life of the party, death of the party.
1:19:29
Does this person give you something?
1:19:31
Are they additive to your day, to your night, to your life?
1:19:37
Not every friendship has to be a deep meaningful relationship.
1:19:40
But every friendship should be additive and it should they should be worth the time and the energy that we invest. Right?
1:19:47
And one thing I look to is you don't need to keep score, but you do want there to be some reciprocal investment.
1:19:54
I've definitely had friendships where I'm the one making the plan, I'm the one doing the calling, I'm the one doing the texting.
1:19:58
They always respond, but if I didn't call or text, I'm not sure I'd ever hear from them again for the rest of my Right.
1:20:03
What are you doing in that scenario?
1:20:04
You know, and in those scenarios, I'm asking myself like we have fun. I'm investing.
1:20:10
What if we didn't What if I didn't invest? I'm just curious.
1:20:13
And so I've done little experiments where I just like don't.
1:20:18
And some of those friendships drift apart. They just drift apart.
1:20:20
And you're like, "Huh, okay, got it." Not offended.
1:20:25
And then other times the people the person be like, "I have not talked to you for so long.
1:20:28
You were always so good at it's in touch with me. I'm a bad friend. I'm going to do better.
1:20:31
I don't like not talking to you.
1:20:33
And they pick up their game. Yeah.
1:20:35
And again, it goes right back to where we started.
1:20:37
We you peel the onion back one layer, a lot most of us are bad friends. Yeah. And most of us are lazy.
1:20:45
You know, and most of us would prioritize work before a friend and take our friends for granted.
1:20:49
In this case, when one person's putting in all the energy, it's super easy to be the lazy friend on the other end.
1:20:53
I've definitely been the lazy friend on the other end.
1:20:56
You know, I have one friend rockstar. Rockstar.
1:20:58
It's making plans, getting in touch.
1:21:01
And so you know, But that's that thing, right?
1:21:07
It's like when we're looking at the question of is someone additive to my life, if they don't ask the other side of It's also It's also what you're looking for, right?
1:21:14
Like if you As long as it's communicated, I think it's like, "Thank you so much for always being so good at being the one who initiates every time we get together cuz I can tell you every time we get together, I love seeing you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:21:28
Thank you for leading the way. Yeah.
1:21:31
It's I think it's just acknowledgement. Yeah.
1:21:33
Again, this is why these things like human beings are messy.
1:21:36
There's only a few things that are {quote} right or wrong.
1:21:40
But a lot of this is figuring out what each person wants.
1:21:42
And sometimes, by the way, they want think different things in different times. Mhm. Like the hardest part.
1:21:49
If you're really busy or if you're really stressed or if you're really distracted or And like we all we've all been the person or been the friend of the person who like has a new romantic relationship and all of a sudden you don't exist anymore. Yeah. Right?
1:22:00
We've all been that person and we've all been on the receiving end of that person, right?
1:22:03
And then they break up and then they start calling you like, "Oh, well, now that you're Now that I'm you're you're not busy.
1:22:10
Oh, now I'm your friend again, right?" Yeah. Right? Yeah.
1:22:14
And so like What do you do in that situation? Uh Do you allow it?
1:22:16
Do you pretend to be disrespected? Are you offended?
1:22:20
I feel like we have such We've seem to have such big reactions going be common occurrences.
1:22:25
I think communication is like lubrication.
1:22:28
The more communication there is, the easier the machine goes.
1:22:33
And without communication, what you get is friction, right?
1:22:37
Most fights amongst friends, I just had a fight with a friend just this week.
1:22:42
It was based purely on first miscommunication and then total lack of follow-up.
1:22:47
And then the tension just grew and grew and grew until one of us was like, this is ridiculous.
1:22:51
It's usually miscommunication and then lack of communication.
1:22:55
And so if you can communicate even badly, that will lubricate the relationship.
1:23:01
And so what I find is that good relationships talk about the relationship.
1:23:05
Like you see good marriages and they like, I love how our marriage works so well.
1:23:10
And you see good friendships.
1:23:10
You know, you're like, here's what I love about our friendship.
1:23:14
I love that I can tell you everything.
1:23:14
I have one friend that almost every time we talk, almost every time, I will say the same thing.
1:23:24
You know one of the reasons I love our friendship is because dot dot dot dot dot.
1:23:27
And I say it and I even say, I know I say this every time I talk to you, but it's just how I feel every time I do.
1:23:31
I love that we're friends because I can dot dot dot or you make me feel dot dot dot. Every time.
1:23:39
And we talk about the friendship.
1:23:41
And I think that's healthy.
1:23:43
And so it's okay to talk about the friendship.
1:23:46
It's okay to say here's what I love, here's what I, you know, and I and it's okay if we need different things in different moments.
1:23:50
And as I said before, if we do the work, it's not the ChatGPT answer.
1:23:55
It's if you do the work, you get to earn the serotonin, you get to earn the oxytocin, you get to earn the feeling of the hug because it is natural and not because you counted for it.
1:24:06
The serotonin's because it's earned and you have genuine joy.
1:24:08
And if you cannot because you've got your own stuff going on, if you cannot be that person for the time that you know they need you, then simply say so.
1:24:15
I got going on in my life.
1:24:20
I can't be the person you need me to be right now. I love you. I love you. I love you.
1:24:24
I just need to deal with my own Cuz otherwise people will make up stories.
1:24:31
99 times out of 100 those stories are wrong.
1:24:32
And then we will treat people or act based on our version of events or our story. Yeah.
1:24:38
And that's all listening is.
1:24:39
Listening is just hearing what the other person's story is just so I have the context for why you've been acting the way you've been acting.
1:24:44
The story doesn't have to be right. It's just their story.
1:24:47
Just like my story doesn't have to be right. It's right to me.
1:24:51
But it's just my experience of something.
1:24:52
Like my friend was like, "You did this and then you did this and then you did this." And I was like, "Wow."
1:24:59
And I didn't say, "Well, I didn't intend to." I said, "Wow, I'm sorry. Like I I'm so sorry. Yes, I did do that.
1:25:08
And now I want to tell you my experience of what happened of the same event. Mhm.
1:25:12
You did this and you did this and you did this."
1:25:14
And she said, "No, I didn't."
1:25:16
And I went, I'm not telling you I'm right.
1:25:19
I just want you to hear how I experienced what went down so you have context for why I acted the way I acted.
1:25:26
Because now I have context for the way you acted the way you acted.
1:25:30
Neither of us is right and both of us are right.
1:25:35
So, this is about understanding not about competing.
1:25:39
And the funny thing about communication is when somebody gets it wrong or when somebody gets it right you'll be like, "Thank you for saying that.
1:25:44
That's the That's the best thing I needed to hear."
1:25:46
And when they get it wrong you'll be like, "Don't invalidate my story.
1:25:48
Please just Listen to my story. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. You're right. You're right. You're right."
1:25:52
Like this is the great thing about human beings is we can actually like give people guidance about what they're getting right and wrong in the moment and it doesn't destroy the moment. Mhm.
1:26:01
And you can be like, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'd like to reset. Please, continue."
1:26:05
We can do that and it works.
1:26:08
I I have one friend I mean it's how so funny that how much guidance we're able to give people as opposed to letting them guess.
1:26:13
I have one friend I was upset about something or other who knows what. I was hurt.
1:26:17
I was like, can I just tell you and I did all the things.
1:26:19
I want to tell you I'm hurt.
1:26:22
And this is the story I'm telling myself. May not be true.
1:26:24
I just want you to know what happened.
1:26:26
When you said this, it made me feel this way.
1:26:27
And she goes, well, that's not what I intended.
1:26:31
I'm like, I didn't say you intended it.
1:26:32
I just want you to know how I feel.
1:26:32
And she goes, well, that's those are your feelings.
1:26:35
I'm not responsible for the way you feel.
1:26:36
I'm like, well, actually, you are.
1:26:41
You know, when people say like, I'm not responsible for your feelings.
1:26:42
Your feelings your feelings.
1:26:43
I'm like, that's not true.
1:26:44
If you say something mean, and it hurts my feelings, yes, they're my feelings and I'm responsible for my feelings, but you said that that made me feel bad.
1:26:51
So, yes, you are involved in this chain of events.
1:26:55
I totally reject this idea of like, I'm not responsible for your feelings.
1:26:58
Your feelings are your feelings.
1:26:59
But you know, you called me you called me ugly and that hurt my feelings cuz it tapped into my insecurities.
1:27:04
Yeah, when it's that black and white, yeah, for sure.
1:27:06
You know, but it's you are you're in the chain of events.
1:27:10
I'm not saying you did it on purpose.
1:27:11
Anyway, so I'm going on and on and she just evade, deny, push. That's your problem. Those are your feelings.
1:27:17
I'm not responsible for your feelings. I'm living my life. You're living your life.
1:27:20
This is going on and on and and I'm getting more frustrated. I'm getting more upset.
1:27:23
I'm not feeling heard and I just said, can I just give you some advice about how this is going to just cuz you're getting frustrated with me.
1:27:29
I'm getting frustrated with you.
1:27:29
This is super easy, right? Just say sorry. That's all I need. Just just say sorry. You said those words. Just say sorry. She goes, I'm sorry. I'm like, thank you. And then we were fine. Yeah. You can guide it. You can guide it.
1:27:44
And someone's like, well, I'm not saying sorry.
1:27:47
I'm like, I'm literally telling you all And by the way, the one of the best lessons in the world, saying you're sorry Yeah. Correct.
1:27:52
Saying you're sorry means you take accountability for the things you said or the actions that were performed.
1:27:59
And when people are like, well, I don't have to say sorry if I didn't intend them.
1:28:02
Well, if you're walking through the airport with your wheelie bag and you run over someone's foot by accident, you turn around and they turn around and you're like, I'm so sorry." Absolutely. Right?
1:28:12
Didn't do it on purpose, but it is your wheelie bag.
1:28:16
Now, if they turn around and look at you waiting for the the sorry, and you're like, and you look at them and you're like, "What?
1:28:20
I didn't do it on purpose." And a fight will ensue. Yeah. You will get yelled at.
1:28:25
That's a great example, right? Yeah. Yeah.
1:28:26
You didn't do it on purpose.
1:28:30
It's still your wheelie bag. Right?
1:28:32
You didn't do it on purpose.
1:28:34
They're still your words.
1:28:34
They're still your actions.
1:28:36
Doesn't mean you were wrong, but they are yours.
1:28:39
And all you have to do is apologize cuz it did come from you. Yeah.
1:28:42
And I like I said, I reject this whole sort of like I'm not responsible you're for your feelings. Your feelings are yours.
1:28:48
I don't have to apologize.
1:28:50
I'm like, "Dude, you're mean. You were mean. You are mean." Yeah.
1:28:54
Like, what do you want me to tell you? You know?
1:28:59
Simon, oh my gosh, it has been such a joy to talk to you.
1:29:02
I always feel you're so refreshingly human in all your insights.
1:29:06
They're going back to your point on imperfect is imperfect as human and human is imperfect.
1:29:13
It's so refreshingly human to just talk to you about these ideas when sometimes we can end up living in a didactic three ways and two ways and say this and say and it's true.
1:29:23
It's All of that's helpful and it's completely unhelpful because the reality It's useful and useless at the same time.
1:29:30
Exactly, yeah, because the reality is this.
1:29:33
I just thank you for showing up in that way because it I love it.
1:29:35
I I really enjoy it because it frees you. It's freeing.
1:29:39
It's liberating to to know that, you know, if you can be messy, we all can.
1:29:44
I think it's important for people to present themselves as they are, which is messy.
1:29:50
Because to present yourself as perfect Yeah.
1:29:51
sets up an unfair standard for other people to live by. Absolutely.
1:29:55
And usually people present themselves as perfect usually out of absolute fear that they don't want people to know that they're actually imperfect. Yeah.
1:30:01
And I'll say what I said before, to be beautiful is to be human.
1:30:06
To be messy is to be beautiful.
1:30:08
We don't fall in love with the perfection.
1:30:12
We fall in love with the imperfection.
1:30:14
We fall in love when somebody lets us be imperfect, allows us to be imperfect, and allows us to love them for being imperfect.
1:30:21
You know, we show up on the first date because of all the perfection.
1:30:26
And imperfection is earned.
1:30:26
Like the space to be imperfect is earned.
1:30:28
You do not reveal all your imperfections on day one. Too soon, too much. That's overwhelming.
1:30:35
And when you do the work and you take the small risks that then become big risks, I want to be my messy self with somebody who loves me for my messy self.
1:30:42
And I want somebody to feel that I love them no matter how messy they are.
1:30:49
And that is a high standard and a hard thing to find.
1:30:53
And if you have a friend like that, you work damn hard to protect that friendship. I love it.
1:30:59
Simon, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five.
1:31:01
These have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. Okay.
1:31:05
So, Simon Sinek, these are your final five.
1:31:08
Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received?
1:31:11
Let's do it to do it friendship.
1:31:14
So, the best advice I ever got professionally is 3/4 of an answer is better than an answer and a half.
1:31:18
And I think it actually I actually think it applies to friendship, too.
1:31:22
Sometimes just shut up, you know?
1:31:26
One of the best advice I got personally is you don't have to know everything and you don't have to always be right. And that's a relief.
1:31:32
Uh question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?
1:31:37
Trust me, I've been doing this longer than you. That's a good one. I like that one.
1:31:42
I try and ignore people who tell me that.
1:31:45
Question number three, define a good friend.
1:31:47
I believe that friendship is two or more people who agree to grow together.
1:31:53
And so a good friend is somebody who we have decided that we're going to we're going to grow together.
1:31:57
Question number four, how do you define a bad friend?
1:31:58
A a friend who's trying to extract rather than grow.
1:32:03
Fifth and final question, we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show, if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
1:32:12
That would outlaw the harp. Why? a silly instrument.
1:32:15
It's good for It's good for dream sequences and that's about it. No way. You're joking, right? No. Really?
1:32:20
You genuinely don't like harps? No, I don't like harps. Wow.
1:32:24
to listen to a harp symphony? No.
1:32:26
I've not, but I like harps. I didn't know. It's good for dreams.
1:32:28
They're in heaven, though. Exactly.
1:32:30
That's It's good for one thing, dream sequences.
1:32:33
Yeah, I don't I would outlaw harps. I love it. Simon said it. And and okra. Harps and okra. Okra? Yeah.
1:32:37
Wow, that's that's attacking my Indian heritage. I'm not sure. I love it.
1:32:44
Simon, you've been a joy as ever and I hope this is the first of many appearances on On Purpose.
1:32:48
I I really appreciate your views as always and I look forward to these conversations and lots more of them. So, thank you.
1:32:56
Thanks for having me, Jay. A lot of fun.
1:32:57
Thank you so much for listening to this conversation.
1:32:59
If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential.
1:33:09
If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year, go check it out right now.
1:33:16
You set a goal today, you achieve it in 6 months, and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.
1:33:21
There's no sense of meaning and purpose.
1:33:23
You sort of expected it and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen.