Raquelle Stevens & Tanya Rad ON: The MOST IMPORTANT Thing To Do If You're Having A BAD DAY! — searchlore

Raquelle Stevens & Tanya Rad ON: The MOST IMPORTANT Thing To Do If You're Having A BAD DAY!

Jay Shetty Podcast

Published Feb 17, 2023

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0:00

When you're dating, chemistry is the first thing that we all cling to.

0:01

You know, I want to make out with you.

0:04

I like me you know, I'm very physically attracted to you.

0:07

Chemistry is what takes the dating world to the next step, but it's the character is what lasts a lifetime.

0:14

author and host The number one health and wellness podcast with Jay Shetty Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.

0:24

Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.

0:31

And I am so excited for today's conversation because not only are my two guests friends of mine, but they have a new book out that I know you're going to love and I can't wait for you to read.

0:41

The new book is called The Sunshine Mind: 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want by Tanya Rad and Raquel Stevens.

0:51

I can't wait to tell you about these two amazing humans.

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If you don't already follow them, make sure you go and follow them across social media.

0:57

And today we're going to be diving into the themes inside this book.

1:02

But to give you a quick overview, Raquel Stevens' most recent work includes hosting and producing Giving Back Generation.

1:07

Radhi and I were guests on the show, so I can't wait to go and watch that episode.

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Raquel also starred in the Apple documentary Selena Gomez: My Mind and Me and the hit series Selena + Chef.

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Tanya Rad co-hosts On Air with Ryan Seacrest, hosting iHeartRadio's top 40 show The Vibe, and creating community on her popular podcast Scrubbing In.

1:31

Raquel and Tanya just released their new book The Sunshine Mind.

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I want you to go order it right now.

1:35

Uh you're going to love this book and you're going to love this conversation.

1:39

Uh Tanya, Raquel, thank you so much for being here.

1:41

Jay, thank you for having us.

1:43

I'm like fan-girling cuz I'm a big fan of the podcast, so to be a guest on the podcast feels like Uh major. Uh It's major. Yeah.

1:53

And Jay, we've been friends for a while, too, so it kind of feels like sitting with two close friends having having a conversation. was going to say that.

1:59

I feel like Raquel, I met you very early on when I moved to LA, like probably within the first 6 months, I think. Yeah.

2:07

We met through our friend Elena Kesheshian and then I met you.

2:10

Elena had dinner with you and Roddy and Elena and I remember her texting me after being like, "You're going to love Jay and Roddy. They're the best."

2:18

And and so And we've been hanging out ever since and you've introduced me to so many wonderful people. Aw.

2:22

You've been nothing but sunshine in our life and and you're one of those people that I always talk about as like there's very few people I meet that are just genuine and want genuine things for everyone in their life and want genuine people to connect.

2:36

And then Tanya, we met very recently actually, much more.

2:40

But we were messaging for many years on like Yeah.

2:44

I've been a fan of yours.

2:44

Like I consume everything Jay Shetty.

2:46

I just find you to be a very inspirational, aspirational role model.

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And so I just I love you in general.

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And then I remember Raquel was like our common thread.

2:55

And so we met very recently.

2:57

But I met your wife first. Oh, no way. I didn't know that. Yeah. Like you met Roddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At a dinner that we had. When was that? That was a while ago. Yeah, it was 2021. I think. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, a couple of years.

3:10

But anyway, I'm so excited because you're both finally here.

3:11

Both people that I do believe bring a lot of sunshine into the world. So the book is very apt.

3:17

But I I want to ask you so many different questions today.

3:19

I want to learn more about your friendship.

3:21

I want to learn about both of you.

3:24

And I I'm sure this chemistry is like amazing and you you know which questions you want to answer.

3:28

But I want to start with both of you and say, what makes a day a great day for both of you?

3:32

That's a really great question.

3:37

I try to make every day a great day.

3:37

And I'm not saying that in a way of like, oh, I just wake up happy every single day.

3:42

I think sometimes it's it's a choice.

3:44

And so the things that make me most happy are my friends and my family and the people that I do day-to-day life with.

3:51

So, naturally every day is a good day when I'm in communication with those people.

3:56

And then also, you know, all of the work that I do is committed to making a difference and to helping people.

4:02

And so, I feel like I'm living my life on purpose.

4:04

And um to me that's a great day.

4:07

It's being in community with people.

4:09

It's choosing to see the good even when times are a little bit hard.

4:13

And um having fun as well. Yeah. I love that. I love that. Tanya?

4:19

I'd say mine's the similar in the sense that it's really just being at peace and being happy.

4:23

And for me a a lot of that I put in the book, too, are like these little nuances that I do.

4:28

Um you know, like we can get very into the mundane of our you know, the routine of our lives.

4:33

And I think it's like finding joy in those like little things.

4:37

So, in the morning, you know, I wake up before the sun and um but when I walk into the studio every morning, I flicker the lights on and off and I say, "Good morning, everyone!"

4:45

I'm like literally bringing the sun in.

4:49

Sometimes it could be a little annoying, but like I think it brings everybody smiles and it just kind of brings like a levity.

4:54

And so, I think to me just kind of being happy and at peace every day is you know, I'm I don't I'm not a master at it.

5:00

I I can kind of get overwhelmed and I think you're maybe a master at it. I think you are. to be.

5:05

I have my moments and that's when I like turn to Raquel and I'm like, "I have a lot going on. Help me."

5:08

And she'll usually send a scripture and I'm like, "Okay, thank you."

5:13

And and I love what you've done with this book and I just want to show it to everyone who's listening or watching wherever you are in the world.

5:17

Uh how this book because it's rare that two friends to come together to write a book together.

5:24

That doesn't happen very often.

5:24

I've interviewed so many authors over my years of interviewing and you don't really see that.

5:29

But the way this book is structured, I just want to show everyone because I've been reading it this week.

5:33

Uh you get these beautiful uh scripture pieces here which are these favorite verses I imagine Yeah. uh of both of yours.

5:40

But then you also get sections um that are dedicated to whether they're written by Raquel or Tanya.

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And so you're getting to two perspectives on so many phenomena phenomenal topics, which I think is actually really rare.

5:53

When you read a book, you're so used to getting one person's viewpoint or one person's research.

6:00

When it comes to you two writing this book together, I've already asked you about a good day.

6:05

What does a bad day look like for both of you and how do you navigate those?

6:09

Because we're writing a book called The Sunshine Mind, but there's some cloudy days in all of our lives and you talk about a lot of that in the book.

6:14

So, what does a bad day look like and how do you navigate those?

6:17

You know what's interesting is why I I say that this book is such a reflection of our friendship because whenever I was having a bad day or I was going through something heartbreak or, you know, you don't get that that career that job that you were really wanting and working hard for, Raquel is somebody that I would always turn to in those moments and she's that friend that was she always met me where I was.

6:39

She had a scripture ready to like turn it around for me.

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And so, when in the early phases when I was thinking about this book cuz I had written a different book proposal, it was like a dating book and it was, you know, went it was just on the cutting room floor.

6:52

It didn't end up going anywhere.

6:54

Um so, I wanted to do a devotional and I was like Raquel's the perfect person to to do this with because this is exactly like what she is as a friend to me.

7:02

I go to her, she shares wisdom, she's there for me and so it's kind of a really nice Yeah, and I think that's something Tanya's really great at.

7:12

On a bad day you do reach out, you do say, "Hey, I'm struggling.

7:16

And can you pray for me or can you encourage me? I'm having a hard time."

7:21

And I think sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable.

7:23

It's hard to say, "Hey, I'm having a bad day."

7:25

We want to pretend like everything's okay and you really do embody that.

7:29

Um for me, if I'm having a bad day, I I do the same thing.

7:31

I'll I'll call a trusted friend.

7:33

Um Tanya or my friend Ashley Cook is really solid and great that way, too. You know Ashley. yeah.

7:40

Um and then I also on my own, I'll go over very grateful to live in LA.

7:45

I'll go and I'll drive down to the beach and I'll I'll take a long walk and I'll listen to my music or meditations and just it might sound kind of simple and you can do this actually wherever you're listening.

7:56

You don't have to go to the beach.

7:57

You can go for a neighborhood walk, but I find being in nature and just taking time to be alone and be still and let the spirit come in and and bring me peace.

8:05

It works every single time and I'm not just saying that, it really does.

8:09

And so I think taking that time to be alone and really asking the spirit, "Hey, I'm struggling today. Today's a tough one. Please give me peace."

8:17

can be that simple and it works every time.

8:19

shy away from the bad days, too.

8:19

Like I've cried multiple times on the air.

8:21

I have cried on Instagram. puts it all out there. I have it all out there. I do. I do.

8:26

Like I don't want people to think, you know, that I'm just I'm always happy and that like, you know, like I have moments and I cry and like keep Can I say something about Tanya, too?

8:35

She early on in her career, she faced a lot with, you know, different people saying, "You're too this, you're too that, you're too positive, you're too na- you're you're never going to make it in this in this business." Yeah.

8:45

Your personality's too much.

8:47

Yeah, and I have watched her stay so true to who she is. She's never backed down.

8:52

She's she's stayed positive. She's stayed bubbly.

8:55

She's, you know, chosen to take the high road over and over again and her career has just grown and grown and grown and she's never changed.

9:04

She's grown, but she's never changed.

9:05

She's always stayed true to her and I think that that is incredible. Thank you. Oh, it's so beautiful.

9:09

I I love seeing a good friendship because I think that in a world that where everyone's looking for a partner uh, and and someone to date, it's almost like friendships often get devalued or become less important or we find that when someone finds the one or the person they want to be with, all of a sudden they don't talk to their friends anymore.

9:28

Only when they're heartbroken they come back to their friends to mend their, you know, healing heart.

9:32

And so, I love seeing good friendships.

9:35

I have a lot of great male friends in my life as well that I turn to that that are part of my support structure.

9:41

What do you think, Tonya, it is about your friendship with Raquel that made you in those instances reach out to her? Like, what is it?

9:49

Because I think what you just raised there, Raquel, is we struggle with reaching out.

9:52

We struggle with asking for help.

9:54

We struggle with calling someone up and saying, "I'm having a bad day."

9:58

Like, that is a very vulnerable, challenging thing for a lot of us to do.

10:03

And a lot of us will wait months, maybe even years, before we open up to our friend and say, "This is what I've been going through."

10:12

So, what was it about your friendship that gave you a sense of trust in Raquel?

10:16

And what can we learn from that?

10:19

And what can people listening take away from that when they're struggling to figure out who of my friends should I tell them? What can I tell them? Yeah.

10:26

I do think that trust is built over time.

10:28

So, I think I was able to kind of see over time that she was a very trustworthy person.

10:35

I know if I whatever I told her.

10:37

And also, like, I'm in an in an industry that I need to keep things to myself.

10:42

But I always knew that I could tell her and it was like a vault.

10:44

And that was She's just proved proven time and time again that I can trust her.

10:47

But something that is very unique to Raquel that I don't think And I I'm not as good as it as good as she is.

10:53

But when you come to her for something, she doesn't give you her opinion. She listens to you. She doesn't judge you.

11:00

She doesn't You know what I'm saying?

11:02

Like, I think a lot of times if somebody's going through something, you know, somebody comes back and they're like, "Oh, he broke my heart again."

11:07

And like, "You know, he was always awful. He treated you bad."

11:11

Like, it's none of that stuff. Do you know what I mean?

11:12

Like, we always just want to give our opinion or kind of share. And she just listens. She's there for you. She encourages you.

11:18

And I think that's something that I I try to take into my other friendships, too.

11:21

Because I I can all be the opposite sometimes.

11:25

And I really want to be better about no judgment.

11:29

Like, I know I could tell tell anything and she will just take it and like it won't even affect you at times.

11:34

No, it's it's a really it's a it's a gift.

11:37

There's There's one word that you said that I wanted to point out to everyone, which I loved because I've never heard a friend described that way. She's a vault.

11:45

And I was like, that is a great The visual of an actual vault, IT'S LIKE THERE'S NOTHING.

11:51

YEAH, NOTHING'S GETTING THROUGH. YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING.

11:52

BUT and and there's the idea that like, you know, because we all have a friend that you like tell a secret to and like, "Please don't tell anyone."

11:57

But you know they're going to let it leak cuz something's going to get out, whatever it is.

12:02

Everyone has a friend like that and but but when you know your friend's a vault, like I love that.

12:06

I love that thought because there's such a safety there.

12:11

There's such a security there.

12:13

That's that's such a great visual.

12:13

And and Raquel, with with you and Tonya as well, like what is it that I guess allowed you to be a friend who is able to listen and not judge?

12:22

Like where does that come from for you?

12:24

Because I think a lot of us feel that if we're not immediately reaffirming what our friends are saying, then our friends are not going to like us. Right. Right?

12:34

So like most people think if my friend came up to me and said, "Yeah, I just broke up and you know, he was like this, whatever."

12:40

And then if you don't say, "Oh, yeah, he's a jerk and of course, yeah, you're the best."

12:43

Like we feel like our friends are Right?

12:45

Like we feel like our friends are not going to feel Yeah, I'm just going to feel my side. Yeah, exactly.

12:50

And and if you're listening and just being patient, a lot of people might just be like, "Well, Raquel doesn't care about me."

12:55

Or she doesn't really feel sorry for me or whatever.

12:58

What's given you that ability to be more patient to say, "Hey, you know what?

13:02

I'm actually going to listen and be more honest with people rather than just like tell them what they want to hear."

13:07

Yeah, well, I think it comes from um trying to fully understand and live out true unconditional love.

13:13

And when you love someone unconditionally, you're not always telling them what they want to hear.

13:19

You're saying or listening to what hopefully will lead them to peace.

13:24

And what I found is that when you're bashing someone, maybe in a moment it feels good, but it doesn't lead to real peace.

13:30

Even if that person did do something wrong, it's like, "Okay, you know what?

13:34

They That's That sucks that that happened. That's not okay.

13:38

But we're not going to waste our time dwelling on that or or bashing that person.

13:42

We're going to, you know, focus on the future.

13:44

We're going to focus on what leads ultimately to peace.

13:49

And so I love my friends.

13:49

I love the people that are close to me.

13:51

And so I try to give an honest answer.

13:53

And sometimes, you know, the person gets back with that person. Or they stay with them.

13:59

And so imagine, Tonya's one of my close friends.

14:01

She's broken up with the guy.

14:03

And I'm like, "Yeah, he's this. He's that. Whatever."

14:04

And then they're back together.

14:06

And I've said all these horrible things about the person that really she was just venting to me in a moment of a hard time that they were having.

14:13

And so that's the angle that I tried to come at at it from is is what is the most helpful?

14:18

What is the most peaceful?

14:19

What is is going to um be encouraging encouraging the most to her. Yeah, that's great.

14:25

I think I think that's the kind of friend that everyone says they want.

14:31

And then we're always not sure when we actually get that friend. we grow?

14:35

I mean, I welcome that from my friends.

14:37

I hope people are telling me the truth.

14:39

I hope people are being honest with me and not just telling me what I want to hear because then I can't I can't grow if people aren't being truthful with me. Absolutely.

14:47

I I feel that even in marriage.

14:49

Like I'm married to someone like I um Yeah, okay.

14:53

I I officiated a wedding last year.

14:56

And I was practicing to my wife before I officiated.

14:58

And Vati literally told me the day before that it sucked.

15:05

And and I was and and every And every part of my ego was like, "No, it doesn't."

15:10

Like I put I put so much effort into this.

15:12

Like, "Don't you know who I am?"

15:13

And and I listened because it's my wife and I trust her.

15:15

And and after my ego kind of like quieted down a bit, I was like listening to her.

15:20

And I was like, she's saying this for my benefit.

15:23

She wants me to be awesome tomorrow and she's telling me in advance so that I can be awesome.

15:27

I changed the whole thing, wrote it, it went great.

15:31

Everything was fine, everyone loved it, but it was just it was so interesting because it's so hard to hear that from the people closest to us sometimes because we just want to hear them adore us and and validate us, right?

15:40

So Yeah, and of course you you know, if Tonya's coming to me and she's been really hurt by someone, I'm not immediately going to be like well, you know what? Yeah, you deserved it. You deserved it.

15:53

No, it's acknowledging it.

15:53

It's being like, wow, that's like that's not okay. That's wrong.

15:56

But then, you know, not not feeding it, I guess.

16:01

But you know what's interesting what I have learned in in friendships and relationships is like there is no right and wrong. Mhm.

16:05

There you know, there's there's two people, there's two different perspectives.

16:09

There we've all grown up differently.

16:12

We handle situations differently and I think that as an individual, we just think our way is the right way and the way we do things is the way that everybody should do things when in reality that's not how life is.

16:24

And so it's kind of just, you know, learning how to to work in that space of like, okay, this is how you see it, this is how I see it.

16:32

Now, how can we work together to like get to the finish line? Yeah. Yeah, I love that. I love that.

16:38

Let's dive into the book.

16:40

You chose 100 days, which I'm fascinated by why 100 days and I'd love for you to tell us because it's it's a it's a beautiful number. I like I like 100 days.

16:48

I'm like, you can achieve a lot in 100 days, but it feels manageable. Why 100 days?

16:52

I think for exactly that reason.

16:55

I think you do 365, it feels like, oh wow, that's really overwhelming. Exactly.

17:00

That's what I was We were We were going to do 365 No, I think 100 is is digestible and it's, you know, you could have done 30.

17:09

People say it takes 30 days to create a new habit or you we could have done 90, but I I thought 100 was like a good number.

17:14

You've got the three digits, but it's not like woah 365 that long to find hope and joy. I want maybe no. Yeah. Yeah.

17:23

And also like I I think having a something that you can go to daily for an extended period of time is good, but also if you skip a day or two, it's not the end of the world and you still You know what I mean?

17:32

Like I think 100 to spell Yeah. like a good number.

17:35

I I'm going to tell you that I I feel the same way cuz my original book, the one that's coming out now as well, was meant to be 52 rules of love.

17:40

And my editor was like, "Yeah, I think that's really overwhelming."

17:44

So, it came down to eight.

17:46

And it was it was a similar sort of feeling of like, "How do you make it feel manageable and actionable and powerful, but but it's not always easy to do that with the number."

17:53

But I think 100 days is great.

17:55

It like you said, it takes 30 to 90 days to form a habit.

17:58

100 days is is a brilliant commitment.

18:00

It feels like you achieve something.

18:02

One of the things you talk about the book is overcoming imposter syndrome.

18:06

And I love that topic so much because I think that people are and I've only picked my favorite days and things that I think were were really powerful from the book.

18:17

Overcoming imposter syndrome is such a big thing today because more people have access to more opportunities, more people are seeing more things happening in the world and knowing what's going on in the world.

18:28

I know that in my own life, I've experienced imposter syndrome multiple times because I'm constantly in rooms that I never thought I'd be in.

18:36

I'm constantly surrounded by people that I feel inadequate to in some way or weak to in some way over time or rooms that I didn't imagine being or didn't expect to be in.

18:47

And so, imposter syndrome is something I experience time and time and time again.

18:51

I have my own way of dealing with it.

18:53

I'd love to know where have both of you felt imposter syndrome in your life? And let's start there.

18:57

Where have you felt it first? Let's start there.

19:01

This is a big one for me because like Raquel said, when I was early on in my career, I was it wasn't like a beautiful welcoming for me.

19:10

It was very much um my personality's too much.

19:13

People can only handle me in small doses. I'm a cartoon character.

19:19

And and you know, in this career, it's all your personality.

19:22

So, like that was very damaging at a young age when I was starting out.

19:27

So, in my mind I had I was like 21, 22.

19:32

So, you hear all that and you believe it because it's coming from people who are way above you in this corporate world, you know?

19:39

And this is something that I I am so grateful, you know, I work with Ryan Seacrest and he from the very beginning has been so encouraging to me and he saw something in me and I I would not be where I am if it wasn't for him believing in me because I did have to deal with a lot of adversity from other people. Um it was very damaging.

19:57

And so and it was like every step of the way in my career, like I remember when I got my first TV gig at E! I had it all over again.

20:06

The back like I was like I'm too much and I need to you know, lower myself and and be a little bit quieter and every step and every milestone that I was making in my career, I felt really nervous at the start because I was just like I'm not supposed to be here.

20:20

I don't This isn't I don't deserve this.

20:24

Um and and there's also a part of it too where it comes from you know, I I never dreamed that this was possible, you know, like I I always envisioned it, but I never thought that it was actually going to be be a reality.

20:37

And so when it's actually becoming a reality, it's just this crazy kind of like I don't deserve this type of thing.

20:43

Um and so overcoming it has been a process, like a major major process because I've had to kind of unwind and like unhear all of these things.

20:54

And it's so funny because it's like the people who see potential in you and believe in you, that number was far more than the ones that didn't believe and that try to put me down, but yet those ones are like the loudest voices and they're the hardest.

21:08

You can't get them out of your head.

21:09

I think it took me a decade to like get them out of my head.

21:13

Yeah, that's that's done the work. Yeah.

21:17

That that that's so true.

21:17

I mean, the noise of other people's opinions is always louder than all these voices of support and encouragement and Uh yeah, Raquel, how about you?

21:26

Yeah, so for me, I think um having and continuing to remind myself of how big God is and whatever whoever is listening, you call it God, the universe, the higher higher power.

21:39

I think when we have a revelation of of just how big that is, it's extremely humbling.

21:46

And so for me, maybe similar to you, I found myself in in my I found myself in a lot of rooms with people where I'm like, "Wow, how did I end up here?"

21:56

And a prayer that I've always prayed is, "God, I don't want to love anything or anyone more than I love you."

22:01

And so I think when you go into a room, you understand that I am worthy to be here because I am a human being. And we are all worthy.

22:09

And when you understand the bigness of God, the higher power, the universe, you understand that we all play a small part in this journey of being human.

22:18

And I think that's really allowed me to overcome imposter syndrome because I do feel worthy.

22:24

I feel worthy to be in the room with people who maybe I admire and maybe have achieved more than me, but like what an honor.

22:30

I get to learn from them and and and I'm worthy to be there because I am human. Oh, that's so beautiful. I love that.

22:37

That that that really hit me. I love that.

22:39

And uh yeah, and I think for me also from a practical sense, I've started to embrace imposter syndrome as a sign that I'm growing. Yeah.

22:48

And so I find that I've started to look at imposter syndrome as every time I feel it, it means I'm doing something that's uncomfortable. Challenging. It's true, Jay.

22:56

And I will say, I make it a point to surround myself with better.

22:59

I surround myself with people who are further along than me, who challenge me, who help me to grow.

23:05

And I have always been that way because I want to be better.

23:07

And and I don't think we ever arrive.

23:10

I I wrote about it in the book, but I said Maya Angelou, she she did an interview with Oprah in her her later years and and she said, "I'm still learning." Yeah.

23:20

I don't know when I know enough.

23:22

I'm still I've I've learned, you know, a lot where I try to live what I know, but I still I'm not there.

23:26

And she was considered to be one of the wisest people in the world and and still is.

23:32

And so I I try to remember that. Yeah, absolutely.

23:36

And Tanya, what was yours when cuz Raquel looked at you and she was like, "You did the work."

23:38

Like what were those 10 and you said it took 10 years, which I feel is a genuine real amount of time.

23:44

I think a lot of the time today we're like, "Oh, you can get over imposter syndrome like tomorrow."

23:49

And it's like, "No, it takes years to craft your relationship with how you feel about feeling like an imposter."

23:56

And I do have to say I feel like it adds a little bit of fuel to the fire. You know what I mean?

24:01

Like I think it made me I would go into a carpet and I you wouldn't you the amount of prep I did before a carpet was wild.

24:12

Like I would be I was doing research.

24:14

I would watch every single movie, every single TV show, like do the whole back I really would prepare because I had that imposter syndrome.

24:22

Like you're not good enough, you're not good enough.

24:23

So it made me overachieve, which I think ultimately was a good thing and a blessing.

24:27

And so I think in a way I I tried to kind of turn the narrative of imposter syndrome and it was I tried to realize like, "Oh, this is this is helping me."

24:35

It's like fueling me a little bit.

24:37

So I feel like once I started to change the narrative and, you know, I started to grow. And I was like, "Okay." Yeah.

24:48

Like I just had to like quiet that voice. Yeah, yeah.

24:49

I I I really appreciate that and and I want you to know that I've always appreciated your energy and being around it. So it's crazy. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

24:57

It's always been massively infectious and just wonderful and like I remember years ago, that's when I remember connecting with you first was when like I think you told Ryan about Think Like a Monk on one of your episodes. Oh, yeah, yeah.

25:08

And then I was getting hit up with loads of messages about it saying yeah, yeah, and and then I think that's I think that was like how we first like at least connected on Instagram and and to me it was just I remember watching that clip back and it was just like you were you were so like I Ryan had no idea what it was. Right, right.

25:25

And you were just so positive about what I was doing. passionate. Yeah, very passionate. Very passionate.

25:31

like I think we take ourselves so seriously.

25:33

I think that it's okay to be silly and to be animated and to like, you know, I I find there's so much vulnerability in those moments of life and yet nobody wants to talk about these embarrassing things or, you know, like I used to do when I was dating uh I would like set the dinner table for myself and my future partner. What?

25:54

wasn't there, but I would and I would clean out my closet so there was space for him to come.

25:57

Like I did all those weird things.

26:01

has manifested her entire life. I love that.

26:04

But I'm like I I don't take myself too seriously, you know, I'm like if somebody says something works for them, I'll try it, you know, try it and if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work.

26:12

Share the embarrassing moments because we're all we all have them.

26:16

Yeah, I I can relate to that.

26:16

I don't think I've ever talked about this.

26:17

When I came back from being a monk and I couldn't get a job anywhere, I used to dress up as if I was going to work and I'd go to my local local library and sit there and read books and apply to jobs, but it was like me going to work.

26:29

Like that feeling of like I've got to show up as if I already do and then I'm able to attract, I'm able to behave better, I'm able to be more professional.

26:37

And so I love that example that everyone's going to be doing that now.

26:40

That's going to be the new trend.

26:42

Everyone's I'm going to see loads of videos.

26:44

Everyone's setting up two tables.

26:45

This can't be The setting up of the table was like a little bit maybe too far, but I do I love it.

26:50

I do encourage the creative space.

26:52

Like create like give yourself a drawer that's just empty in your room and give a big chunk of your closet that's just empty.

26:57

And I was like, this is me creating space.

26:59

Like how am I supposed to bring a man into my life that I desire so much if there's no space for him in here? Wow. Like actually no space.

27:06

There is not an inch of space in this room for somebody to come in.

27:10

So I created I left an entire drawer like a big drawer. I did not know that. Oh yeah.

27:13

And now who who takes up more space?

27:16

I still take up more space.

27:19

But there's a lot of space for Robbie and all of his things. He has one drawer. He has one drawer. I'm the opposite.

27:23

I have a way bigger wardrobe than Robbie. It's so bad. Yeah, it's so bad.

27:29

Yeah, Robbie is so understanding. So so supportive. I love it.

27:35

All right, the next the next one that I picked out that I loved.

27:37

And everyone who's listening, there are 100 days to finding the hope and joy you want.

27:41

I'm just picking some of my favorite that stood out to me and talking to these incredible authors, Tanya Rad and Raquel Stevens. Authors, yes. Exactly. Authors.

27:49

Uh and of course you can order the book in the comments and caption.

27:56

Um all right, this second one which I loved was be true to you.

28:00

I think this is something that is an idea that we really struggle with because I see this meme and I'm sure you both have seen it on like Instagram and TikTok and everywhere and it's it's probably my favorite thing.

28:08

And so it says, society says colon, be yourself.

28:12

And then society says colon, no not like that. Right?

28:19

So we're living in this world where it's like be yourself and then when you be yourself everyone's like, no no no not like that.

28:22

Please don't be that version of yourself.

28:24

And it's like this really interesting idea that we're constantly being told be true to you.

28:30

But then when you really see someone in all their authenticity and all their flaws and all their genuineness, we don't like it. We consider it ugly.

28:36

When the truth is we all have that inside of us. Like we we all are that.

28:41

So how have you both got comfortable with looking at the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable.

28:48

I don't want to live my life not accepting those things.

28:51

So, I've had times in my life where my flaws or my things that I don't maybe love about myself have really, you know, they've given me anxiety or they've made me feel badly about myself.

29:03

You know, when I especially during my high school years, I was like, "Do you know, do I not look good enough? Am I not this enough? Am I not that enough?"

29:12

And it's like I'm either going to live like that, live insecure, concerned with, you know, maybe more of the external things, or I'm going to be so filled up with who God created me to be, which is loved, valuable, accepted just the way I am.

29:30

And through doing that and accepting that and through being myself, I feel like I've been able to cultivate a life that is authentic to me.

29:38

I have relationships that are real as a result of being myself, of being true to me.

29:45

Cuz if we're not, the other path is not it's not great.

29:48

You're going to live constantly anxious, you're going to have surface relationships because you're hiding a part of who you are.

29:54

And so, I think that it takes courage to be vulnerable, but what's on the other side of that is total freedom and real connection and all the things that we really want in life.

30:04

I think the what I have found to be the the issue with this is social media. And I love social media.

30:11

I have a really great relationship with it.

30:12

I have people that the people that follow me on Instagram are so encouraging and so lovely.

30:16

I'll get Yes, there's a couple here and there that are negative, but for the most part, it's a really beautiful community for me.

30:23

But, I have realized that I think it's really damaging in many ways because we're playing the comparison game.

30:29

So, it's like, "Yes, I'm going to be true to myself, but everybody is you know, holding this bag.

30:36

And so, I'm going to spend all my money to get this bag so I have it in my social media because that's what everybody's doing.

30:40

And I'm not sitting here to say, you know, spend your money how you want, but I think that we've been wired to kind of chase this unattainable lifestyle that might not be within our means.

30:52

And we're like I wrote about in the book, being financially fit was really important for me because and saving and you kind of have to like take that comparison and live your own life because you're going to go into debt trying to keep up with the Joneses when that's not in your means.

31:10

And so I think the comparison game in that way, I talk a lot about finances because I think it's not talked about especially with younger women enough.

31:17

You know, the importance of saving.

31:20

And also with all these filters, I remember I wrote a specific chapter about this because it was very alarming.

31:26

I'm 30 years old and I was using this supermodel filter and I like loved the way I I loved my face.

31:32

I was like, "Wow, she's gorgeous."

31:34

And so I I would get I would look in my in the mirror and I would get kind of like how I I even went to the point where I took a screenshot of my face with the filter and a screenshot of my face regular, sent it to my friend that's a plastic surgeon and said, "What do I need to do to look like this?" Wow.

31:50

And he responded with like I don't even know what now.

31:54

It was a nose job, cheek fillers, you know, some sort of taking out the fat in my cheek and I was just like "This is so wild.

32:00

I am a fully developed woman and I'm having this conversation right now."

32:06

Imagine how damaging this is for somebody younger and insecure and figuring out who they are.

32:11

And so I kind of made a point right then and there.

32:13

I stopped using filters on Instagram because I was like, I don't want anybody to see me in a different way and I also don't want to mess with my own head and like look in the mirror and think, "Oh, you know, like I want to look in the mirror and and see myself." Yeah.

32:26

And so I made a really big point to just like stop using the filters and I put a challenge in the book for people to do the same for even just like 24 hours just to like post without a filter.

32:35

It's okay and and kind of get used to that because I think the more you the more you are accepting of yourself in every way social media and not on social media, it just gives you a different sense of confidence, I think. Yeah.

32:51

Can you show me that filter afterwards?

32:55

It like makes your lips bigger.

32:55

It makes your face I'm like I No, that that I love that challenge by the way.

33:03

I think that challenge is awesome.

33:04

I I love the idea that it's obviously if anyone wants to change the way they look or anything, you know, I don't think anyone here is saying that you know yeah, I don't think I don't think anyone is saying you I get Botox.

33:14

It's not like I'm not against any of it. Totally. Totally.

33:17

But I think that there there's a fine line between, you know, looking at yourself and just being sad on a regular basis and just And and almost that distance that's created between when you start seeing yourself as someone else on a screen Right.

33:31

and then when you start seeing yourself as someone else in the mirror and that distance gets wider and wider and wider. That's really hard. Yeah. Right?

33:39

And if I remember when So when we were in the monastery, there were no This is really phenomenal.

33:45

When we were in the monastery, there's no mirrors. Wow.

33:49

So you lose the idea of identity and how you look.

33:53

Now you you shave your hair and stuff so you don't even have hair to look at or whatever.

33:56

But the point is that I would catch myself looking at my reflection when I was like if I was on the streets and I was walking past a store or a window, I would catch myself looking at my reflection because I was so used to that from before and it was so interesting to me to not look in the mirror for like a big chunk of my life. That yeah.

34:15

It was just such a fascinating thing of like you lose that sense of like that's important and you actually have time to go inward. That's wild, Jay. Yeah.

34:21

And so so hearing your idea in the same way of like hey, don't let you use filters, you actually get more time to get to know yourself, you get more time to love yourself, appreciate yourself and and deal with the reality rather than a false reality that can really mislead you and mess you up with when you do look in the mirror and now you're disappointed with with how you look because is is wild.

34:42

I mean, you can you can really do some wild things on that.

34:49

Yeah, you have to be really skilled to use those things.

34:51

Yeah, but it it does it does like morph it like even try. She's imagining.

34:57

No, I'm not I'm terrible at that stuff.

34:59

I'm like terrible at all that stuff.

34:59

But but no, I I really love both your answers to that and I love that challenge and the book has more challenges in it.

35:08

Which which I love which which I love challenges because I think that they're the simple little habit tricks and hacks that we need in order to learn these very deep profound lessons.

35:19

The other thing I was just saying on an interview that I was doing was the idea of and I'd love everyone to think about this and I'd love you to come up with a challenge for this maybe live in real time.

35:27

Maybe I I just came up with this so ignore me if it's really hard but we'll try and and if it goes terribly we'll cut it out.

35:35

So, I was talking about so we talked about the mirror one about me and the monster and actually what you're coming up with is like a brilliant challenge for that same principle.

35:43

principle. Another thing that I felt I learned while living as a monk was we lost the concept of time because I didn't have to be anything by 25 or if I would have stayed longer as a monk it wasn't like by 30 you have to be married and this right like So, when I lived as a monk there was no timeline because

36:03

once you're a monk you're a monk and there was nothing that you had to do at 30, 40, 50 and obviously I didn't I wasn't there for that long but you could see the 70-year-old monks were doing the same thing that the 25-year-old monks were doing like there was no big discrepancy in that. And so you lose the

36:16

And so you lose the sense of time.

36:19

How do you think we can all let go of that sense of like well by 30 I need to be in a relationship by 40 I need to be a millionaire.

36:26

By whatever it may be, right?

36:28

The These timelines that society comes up with.

36:30

Can we Could we all co-create a challenge that helps people lose a sense of time?

36:36

that you bring that up because I think that's something that I really struggle with. Right. Like very much so.

36:40

You know, I thought I was going to be married with kids at 25.

36:43

And so, that didn't happen. I was like, "Oh." You know what?

36:48

I I have I want to you to share an example that you have told me before cuz I think it's really good.

36:53

I think that there's a scripture that I love and it says talks about like content with little, content with much.

37:01

You know, it talks about being content with whatever circumstance you're in.

37:05

And I think what's interesting is that we can be like, "Oh, I just really want to be married.

37:08

I really want a partner."

37:10

And then you talk to your married friends and they're like, "Enjoy your single life." Whatever.

37:12

You talk to people with kids, you're like, "I want kids."

37:15

And they're like, "Oh, enjoy having no kids."

37:17

And you know, I think that each season of life is so beautiful and unique in its own way.

37:21

And I think when we make a choice to just be happy and grateful for right now and it's like, "Okay, I'm single. I don't have kids. I have my freedom.

37:27

I can pick up and do whatever I want at any time."

37:31

Like that is a blessing for right now.

37:33

But Tonya got a direct message from someone. yeah.

37:38

Tell everybody the story.

37:39

it's so beautiful, by the way, Raquel.

37:39

That That really That's such a I love that.

37:43

Content with little, content Content with much. With much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's beautiful.

37:47

And it is so important to to appreciate the season that you're in because I think I was never shy about the fact that I want like I wanted to be married, I want to have kids and that's a desire of my heart.

37:56

So, like I would pursue that like I pursued my career.

38:00

When I tell you I went on probably 200 dates in 7 years, I went on probably more. Wow.

38:06

And I really gave it my all.

38:06

Like I pursued it just as hard as I pursued my career.

38:09

And it's funny because I think God did this in like he purposefully gave me a very long single season because I would not have pursued my career the way that I did had I been in a romantic relationship.

38:21

And I know that about myself because I go I'm all in, you know, like I'm all in on my relationship right now and I love it.

38:27

It's the best season ever.

38:27

But had this been 10 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to build what I did.

38:32

And so I know like God was like, I see you.

38:34

I know I'm going to fulfill the desire of your heart.

38:38

Maybe not in the time that you think.

38:39

And it's interesting because I got this DM and I had spent the day um I went on like a 9-mile run and I was cleaning out my apartment and I was sageing and I was you know, I was on Instagram and just saying, you know, what I was doing for the day.

38:54

And I was going through a breakup. So I was heartbroken.

38:56

I was really sad and I wasn't shy about it.

38:58

And some woman responded to me and she said I would give anything to trade lives with you right now.

39:05

I am currently breastfeeding one baby, potty training another that's peeing all over the floor while I'm making my husband breakfast.

39:15

I would give anything to be in your situation right now.

39:17

And here she is with the life that I desire.

39:19

And she's saying she wants to switch places with me.

39:23

And so it was such like a direct message from God that like you're where you're supposed to be. Enjoy this moment. Enjoy the season.

39:30

It's not going to be like this forever, you know, seasons don't last forever.

39:33

They are seasons for a reason.

39:35

And so it was like very uh timely that message. Wow, yeah.

39:43

the challenge could be think about your life today and where you're at and what you're grateful for. So maybe write it down.

39:51

I'm if I'm single I have my freedom.

39:54

I can go to bed when I want.

39:54

I can go to the store if I want to. I can go meet a friend.

39:58

Um if you have kids, think about, you know, things that you're grateful for with your kids, with your husband.

40:05

And so maybe the challenge is, you know, I'm grateful for this right now instead of focusing on future. I want more of this. I I a better job.

40:13

I want, you know, partner, boyfriend, husband, kid like just think about it's it's gratitude, right?

40:22

And I think gratitude eliminates angst about the future.

40:26

But I also think I remember reading this in your first books.

40:30

It was about not attaching your happiness to like things.

40:35

To to the title or the whatever, you know what I mean?

40:38

It's like attaching your happiness to this like state of mind and like relationships and that stuff that is what life is about. Yeah, no.

40:47

I I love what you're both saying.

40:48

I think the Freaky Friday moment's really interesting.

40:50

Like this idea of like switching lives with someone that you think has it all.

40:55

And if you were able to do that, most of us, you know, maybe would backtrack to some degree or there'd be some more appreciation for our life even if And of course that's that's different depending on how different those examples are.

41:08

But I think also what it's different for women because we do have like a biological clock.

41:13

So there is like that a little timeline and I've I've been kind of dealing with that a little bit lately.

41:18

But I think now there's so many resources, there's so much you can do.

41:20

I know women that are having babies on their own, you know, they couldn't find a partner and so they're just doing it on their own and I think it's such a liberating time to be a woman.

41:29

And so I think all of these things are slowly starting to like become less of a timeline. Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

41:36

I And and I agree with you.

41:39

I think that, you know, I think the pressure to do something because of just time.

41:43

And you're right, as a woman definitely you you experience it far more and it's I talk to Radha about this all the time and it's it's such a Yeah, it's a challenge, but I I like that challenge, Raquel, of like figuring out what you currently have that you once dreamed of. Yes.

41:59

Like it's almost like what do you currently have that you really wanted?

42:03

Because there was a time, like you're saying, that you would have really pursued the career.

42:09

Now you You the career and you're pursuing the next thing and it's like, "But what do I have right now that I once really wished for?"

42:13

It could be as small as I got a bit of free time. It could be as Yeah.

42:18

big as I have the career I want.

42:20

It could be as huge as I have the partner and the kids, whatever it is.

42:22

Or I can run a mile today.

42:23

You know, like it can be so small. Exactly.

42:25

And I one more thing too that I want to say as well which touches on all of this and helps with it and is actually the reason that we wrote the book is that the best advice I could give to anyone is to prioritize your inner life.

42:39

Because when your inner life is strong, you can handle anything that comes your way.

42:44

So those seasons where you're like really wishing and hoping for that thing and you don't have it yet, your inner life is what sustains you.

42:49

When you get the job, when you have the partner that you've always wanted, it humbles you and it fills you with gratitude as opposed to ego and arrogance and everything in between.

42:59

When your inner life, when your spirit's strong even in the mundane moments, that's what gives you inspiration, fills you with awe.

43:04

And so I think just the best life advice for anyone at any age is prioritize your inner life.

43:12

That will fill you up to be able to handle anything that comes your way. Absolutely. Absolutely.

43:16

I I I have something that I often repeat to myself and others which is when things are bad, work hard, but when things are good, work harder. Yes.

43:27

mean that on your internal self.

43:27

Like when things are good externally, it's really easy to forget that actually you're only able to have this amazing external experience because of the inner work that you did like years ago or months ago.

43:40

And then when things are great, you like stop doing the inner work and then all of a sudden now you're in a cloudy season and that because you didn't do the inner work in the last season, it's not protecting you.

43:48

And so I yeah, I love that and and if that's the heart of the book, I think you know, it it really I I would I would love that.

43:57

I know our community does that.

43:58

Everyone who listens to On Purpose is such a inner work person.

44:00

Uh and I'm glad that they now have a hundred new ways of of doing that.

44:04

Uh one of the other ones I've I've got a few more if you don't mind. If you don't mind.

44:10

I want to talk about this one cuz I think it's a big I want to talk about this one cuz I think it's a big one. Be done with shame. Oh, yeah. Right?

44:14

This one was like this this one really stood out to me because I think shame and guilt are things all of us carry in so many different ways. They weigh us down.

44:26

They let us potentially push someone away that we love.

44:29

They block us from receiving love.

44:32

Like shame and guilt are just this huge what looks like a shield but actually is just a barrier and keeping things out and and not letting us be ourselves and not letting people love us.

44:46

Talk to me about what shame and guilt has blocked in your life and how you've changed your relationship with shame and guilt.

44:53

Yeah, so Brené Brown talks about shame as shame is I am bad and guilt is I've did I've done something bad.

45:02

And guilt can be a good thing, right?

45:04

It makes us not repeat the same mistakes, but shame is a deep deep belief of Say that again. That's really powerful. It's so good. I know.

45:12

Brené Brown describes two things, shame and guilt.

45:15

Shame is I am bad, guilt is I've done something bad.

45:18

Guilt can be good and healthy because it helps us to not make the same mistakes again.

45:22

Shame is extremely difficult and heartbreaking because it's a deep belief of I am bad. I'm not good enough. I'm not this enough. I'm not that enough.

45:32

And when we live our lives from a place of shame, we miss out on on being our true authentic self.

45:41

And so I almost could cry talking about it because shame it you know, and friends that I've close friends that I have that have experienced shame, it breaks my heart because you can see you know, how it's it's debilitating.

45:54

And in my own life, areas where I've felt some shame, maybe I'll go back to high school, maybe you know, girls getting the boyfriend or this or that, me not feeling pretty enough, for example.

46:05

You have to do the inner work, right?

46:07

Because it's like that's not true.

46:09

It's like I am beautiful.

46:09

God's created me exactly the way that I am meant to be and if I go on to carry that shame, then that's going to affect me.

46:19

It's going to affect me when I'm out on dates.

46:21

It's going to affect, you know, how I see myself and that is extremely detrimental and so you get through shame through first acknowledging it, being able to speak it aloud, maybe to a trusted friend, and then you pray about it or you meditate on it, and that's when you do the inner work of like, "Okay, God, universe, help me to see myself as you see me, beautiful, wonderful, made exactly the way that I was created to be."

46:49

And it takes time and it takes work.

46:52

Tonya's really big on visual, like seeing things visual, so she You've told me before about your body, you'll write on the mirror, "I am this. I am beautiful. I am this."

47:01

And and seeing it and speaking that over yourself.

47:05

So when negative thoughts come, "I'm You know, I'm I don't like my love handles or whatever."

47:11

It's like, "I'm beautiful.

47:11

My love handles are beautiful."

47:13

And speaking truth over yourself.

47:15

And that is how you come against shame. Wow.

47:20

That's a great explanation. Thanks, Raquel.

47:22

Yeah, no, I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, it's my I mean, I could we could do a whole podcast on shame because it I I literally I'm I'm like getting emotional thinking about it right now because I I you. I saw you. No, I could cry. It It breaks my heart.

47:35

It's like I I just live in that. They live in that.

47:37

I can't believe I'm going to start crying on Jay Shetty's podcast right now.

47:43

But I my friends that I I And you can see it on people and you can feel it off of them and it holds them back and that's why I care a lot actually about we want to take this book into schools and into junior highs and high schools because kids that are dealing with shame, their brains are still developing or is it's a lot harder when you're adult?

47:59

I think about my friends that are adults and they are experiencing that shame.

48:02

It's a lot harder to move forward and and change those negative self-beliefs.

48:07

But when you're younger, it's it's easier because your your brains aren't fully developed. So it is possible.

48:14

Everyone can do the work.

48:15

Everyone can heal and change, but it absolutely breaks my heart and and for anybody who's listening who feels shame about something in their life, maybe they haven't ever shared it with anybody.

48:25

It's like it doesn't matter what it is. You are you are enough.

48:28

Nobody is ever too far gone.

48:30

There's a mistake you've made.

48:32

There's nothing you've done that can't be um healed and it's just Yeah, and the difference that she expressed from Brené Brown, the difference between guilt and shame is so powerful because it is.

48:42

It's like we've all we all make mistakes. We all trip.

48:46

We all fall and being able to kind of like speak on that guilt, pray about it.

48:52

I made that mistake and I don't want to live in that mistake and moving forward with my life like is so there's so much power in that that I think a lot of people don't know how to get to the other side.

48:59

Yeah, and and I think often we stop other people moving on with their guilt because we're still stopping ourselves from moving on from our guilt. Yeah.

49:08

And it's like an insecurity when we see someone say, "I'm going to leave my shame behind. Guilt helped me grow."

49:14

And we we can't deal with that because we we haven't done that for ourselves. Yeah.

49:18

Um so powerful and and I'm putting out there too.

49:20

I think I think this book would make a great book club book. Yes.

49:24

see a lot of people reading it together, uh reflecting on a lot of these ideas, doing these challenges together.

49:28

Like it's a very practical book and and I'm a big fan of practical books because I think that it's not just a book that you're going to read on your own.

49:37

Hopefully this is a book that you grab for your friends.

49:38

You're going to read it together.

49:39

You're going to discuss all these even in the way us three are.

49:41

Like this is really Yeah, I am.

49:43

I I find this really therapeutic.

49:44

Like you know do And I feel like I'm in therapy right now.

49:47

Yeah, well even me, but even me.

49:48

Like I feel like I'm opening up because you guys are opening up and there's these beautiful themes that you've selected in the book that everyone can relate to.

49:55

Like none of none of this everything that everyone everything we've all said is is stuff that we're all dealing with in very unique different ways. Totally. Uh but it's still there.

50:02

Okay, I've got a couple more that I want to pick with you.

50:06

I really like this one because it's obviously linked to my new book um 8 Rules of Love. Yes.

50:10

And I love that this comes up in your book.

50:12

So, it's prioritize character over chemistry.

50:14

Uh Uh and I love this because um you know, I'm a I'm a big romantic.

50:21

I'm a big fan of chemistry.

50:23

And I'm also just a big fan of love.

50:25

Like I'm obsessed with it.

50:25

I'm I'm kind of like you in the sense of I always had this obsession with wanting to be madly in love, wanting to be married, um wanting to have like this amazing relationship.

50:36

Like that was a big part of who I want what I wanted when I was a kid.

50:39

And then I married someone who doesn't like PDA, who doesn't like who isn't a romantic. It's been amazing.

50:45

Like it's it's so much growth in a beautiful way. Totally. Totally.

50:47

But I love this idea of character over chemistry.

50:50

And I wanted you to describe uh and maybe Tanya you can start with this one.

50:56

But it's like what is the what is the difference?

50:59

And then what did you mean by this?

51:01

So, I was at this my friend's wedding um this was a while ago and the the the the guy that was officiating the the wedding, the pastor, said it was a it was a Bible verse.

51:14

And it was all about prioritizing character over chemistry.

51:16

And he said chemistry can lead to some healthy, you know, couple good years of marriage.

51:22

Character is what's going to last you a lifetime in a marriage.

51:27

And I started thinking about that and it's so true.

51:30

When you're dating, chemistry is the first thing that we all just we all cling to.

51:33

You know, I want to make out with you.

51:37

I like you know, I'm very physically attracted to you.

51:40

Chemistry is what takes the dating world, you know, to the next step. But it's the character.

51:44

You can have chemistry with somebody and that can but that's going to fizzle. It's like a fire. It's going to burn out.

51:50

But character is what lasts a lifetime.

51:53

And so that's what I found to be so interesting when I was in my dating world because it was I was prioritizing the chemistry.

52:01

It was like, "Oh, no, I don't want to go out with him cuz like I don't want to make out with him."

52:04

You know, like that was always my go-to was like what was I physically attracted to him?

52:08

And yes, I think that is important obviously in a relationship, but I don't think it is the number one thing.

52:13

And I think if you meet someone or you know that a friend is trying to set you up and they're like, "This is a really quality person.

52:19

They have a really great character."

52:22

I think it's totally worth going out with because that's what's going to last a lifetime, I think.

52:25

And that's something that I always say about my boyfriend right now.

52:28

His character is like him, too. Yes, he's the best.

52:32

He's the love of my life.

52:34

Yes, he is just his character is so strong. He's got great energy.

52:37

He's been through so much in his life and you wouldn't even know it because he puts it like he just carries himself so well.

52:43

He doesn't bring past experiences into his new relationship.

52:48

He just has such a strong character and I think that and and we obviously have chemistry, too, but the character is what trumps everything.

52:55

Like it is just it's so important.

52:57

And I think when you're dating, remembering that is like so crucial.

53:01

So I want to ask you in those 200 dates you went on, right? Or something like that. I can't remember.

53:04

Which which by the way is inspiring and and I want to do I want you to talk about that because I have so many friends right now who struggle with dating, are scared of dating.

53:14

I was literally talking to a friend, you know who you are if you're listening to this episode.

53:19

Uh I sent a voice note late last night to a friend saying, "Dude." It was a guy.

53:24

I was like, "You just need to you know, I was like just try it out."

53:27

I was like, "Dude, you literally need to meet this person because I don't see what's what you don't like about her like as in and and if you don't go out on a date, you're not going to know anything like you can't decide based on a picture and someone's bio of like who they are.

53:42

Like so I was just saying you need to get out there and I think so many people today and we have to be honest like the pandemic set us back with social interaction, social anxiety went up.

53:53

People are scared of meeting people, people are forgotten how to have conversation.

53:58

People may not be as confident with who they are anymore.

53:59

Like we we can't ignore that.

54:03

How did you First of all, how did you find the courage, inspiration to go out on 200 dates like every time because I think people got on one or five or seven and they're tired.

54:13

Like it's exhausting like it's very disheartening.

54:16

Yeah, so so let's talk about that first and then the second part I'm going to ask you is Oh no, I'll save the second question and then Raquel I'm coming to you in a second. All right.

54:25

I'd love to talk to her about dating. exactly. Yeah.

54:26

Um I think the thing that I was like the one-hit wonder.

54:30

I'll go out with anybody once because I'm with you.

54:34

Like you don't know if you're going to get along with somebody.

54:36

You can only tell so much on a photo and a bio.

54:37

So I would always say yes to a first date.

54:40

Um but I didn't No matter what.

54:43

No, even if you didn't like their picture, even if you weren't attracted. Yeah, I would go out.

54:48

But I was I didn't go on very many second dates.

54:50

Like I'm very quick to know and so I would know like it's not going to happen.

54:54

So when I say 200 it was just like Yeah.

54:55

I would just keep it moving, you know, keep it moving.

54:58

There were a couple in there that I would date, you know, a couple months here and there and I think I did the longest I did somebody was 6 months.

55:07

So they're like little heartbreaks throughout the whole and it is it's disheartening.

55:10

It's just like is he out there?

55:12

Like I thought this was going to be him and then it turns out, you know, this guy like I I dated When I tell you the stories and that's why I wrote the dating book because I'm like it's it feels like a movie some of these things.

55:23

I met a guy on Wilshire Boulevard, rolled down his window, asked me on a date. Went out with him.

55:26

He was totally Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. She really said yes. Yes. She said said yes.

55:32

But you know, time after time it does get very disheartening but I always had this journal.

55:37

It's called my dear future husband journal.

55:39

And after really bad dates, I would come home and I would just write in it. Okay, that's the book. My dear future husband.

55:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the next That's part two of the book.

55:47

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

55:48

No, no, that's your dating book. Is that what I said? My dear future husband. I see that.

55:52

Yeah, but I would always look at I would write into in like I would write about hope and the hope that I had for this man I knew was out there because when God puts a desire in your heart, he fulfills it.

56:01

Again, it might not be on your timetable, but like it's such a strong desire of my heart to have a partner to share life, to be married, to have a family.

56:08

And so I knew he was going to fulfill it.

56:09

So I would write to my future husband.

56:13

Just I would just write to him in this journal after every bad date.

56:14

And it kind of kept me out of that mindset of this sucks, there's nobody out there, like uh are guys really like you know, I mean I it was everything under the sun.

56:24

So that journal really helped me keep hope alive in my life.

56:28

Um so that's kind of how I navigated the dating.

56:33

All right, Raquel, I'm coming to you and then I'm coming back to you for the question.

56:36

Raquel, all right, so No, well, I I I guess the question's about obviously this character of a chemistry piece and you know, you've you know, you've talked about this before just about how like dating and relationships are sacred to you and it's hard.

56:47

Like you you you you're not you don't just dive in and No, no, no.

56:49

you know, you're very careful and composed and like again, it you know, I think you're such an accomplished person internally and externally and and society and I talk a lot about this in my book where society has made us believe that we're inadequate if we're not with someone. Absolutely, yeah.

57:07

And I completely disagree with that, obviously.

57:10

Um you have another section in this book which is all about the power of finding solitude. Yeah.

57:15

Uh which I love, which I'm such a big proponent of.

57:16

And even in Tanya's case, she was talking about how like being single was so important for her now being together and she was able to achieve things.

57:25

So how do you how have you made peace with that part in your life where that's something you're figuring out, It's not something that's worked out, but you're not disqualifying yourself because of it.

57:35

You're not making it reflect on who you are.

57:36

And obviously, as I'm saying, I know who you are.

57:39

And um anyone I'm just throwing out there would be lucky to be with Raquel. True. Truly, truly. And I mean that.

57:44

And and I've always said that to you like off camera. Like you know that.

57:48

And so, but but you're someone who's who's patient in getting it right.

57:50

So, like how do you deal with that as we're dealing with all this other noise as well? Because great question.

57:56

So, first of all, character over chemistry every day.

57:57

I completely agree with everything that Tonya said.

58:00

You can find a lot of people that you have chemistry with, but you want to be with a person of character.

58:05

That's what's going to lead to a peaceful life.

58:07

Um I have not dated seriously in the last 10 years, which I think can be really surprising to people cuz they're like, "You're in your 20s.

58:13

It's you know, you're you're prime and and you're not dating."

58:16

And it is something that I take extremely seriously. So, I do go on dates.

58:20

Um and I'm open to it, but unless something truly feels right and I see the person as a person of integrity, a person of character, I time is too precious and I will not invest my time in someone that I don't feel is right for me.

58:38

And um through not dating, I've been able to have an amazing time in my 20s with my friends and building a career and traveling and living a great, very fulfilled life as a single person.

58:50

And I feel enough and whole on my own.

58:52

So, for me to be with someone, which I would love to be with someone, I would like to find a partner of character, someone that together we are stronger.

59:00

I love that saying, you know, two are stronger than one.

59:03

I I I would absolutely love that, but I am totally content and at peace in the meantime and I'm open to it.

59:11

And I think that, you know, you're right.

59:13

There is a lot of pressure on people to feel like, "Oh, I'm not enough if I don't have a partner." But of course we are.

59:18

We're we're individuals and we are, you know, the truth is you're born alone and you die alone.

59:23

And so, you your relationship with you is is the most important thing to prioritize.

59:26

And when you prioritize that, then you're going to be the best version of yourself for when that partner does come along.

59:33

think it's like so important for people to hear that because I do think that there are a lot of people, myself included, if I looked at myself at 21, I didn't think I could function without a I was I was just jumping from relationship to relationship.

59:45

I didn't want to be alone. Yeah, yeah.

59:47

Yeah, yeah. And when I was single, I was able like I I lived alone for the first time and I you know, I started investing my money and like you know, things that I just never thought that I would do or I could do on my own, you know, like I always say like I'm a modern woman and I

1:00:03

really feel like I developed this strong sense of self and now that I I do have a partner, he it does it just it's like um It is it she she's made me stronger as a person and my life better, but I feel like it's so important because if you just attach yourself to somebody because you don't want to be single, Yeah. it

1:00:18

it can lead you down a bad path.

1:00:20

It you know, it's not going to lead you to your potential if you're just dating somebody because you don't want to be alone.

1:00:24

I think you need to date someone to to elevate you.

1:00:29

Yeah, yeah and I think I think it's so right like I think when you run from relationship to relationship to relationship, that's when you fall in love instead of growing in love and I think for anyone like I've been with Ryland now for nearly 10 years and it's it's been more growth than falling like yes that fall and grow.

1:00:45

I like Yeah, it's like we we fell in love sure like that statement is always I've always wanted to fall in love.

1:00:50

So that's that's but that's because of Hollywood and that's because of movies and music.

1:00:56

That's not because of me.

1:00:56

When it now is someone who believes I'm in love with someone who's in love with me, we're growing every day.

1:01:02

We don't fall more deeply in love together like we we grow more deeply in love.

1:01:06

There's so much more evolution and learning and it's really interesting.

1:01:11

I was talking about this the other day that so many people feel like enjoyment is the peak of a relationship and I'd actually say like the amount you've grown together and evolved together is like the peak of a relationship because it makes life easier Yeah.

1:01:23

uh rather than you know just pleasure.

1:01:26

Not saying there isn't any kind of like the chemistry and character point.

1:01:29

I want to go back to both of you on that because I fully agree with you too.

1:01:32

How do you discern character?

1:01:34

Like how do you Because I think a lot of people say I know if I'm attracted to someone, right? You can tell.

1:01:39

I know if we have a bit of a spark because we're going back and forth and there's you know distress and excitement.

1:01:44

But character is like how do you know because character is such a big word.

1:01:49

Uh you know we always hear these scary stories about I was dating this guy and then he had a whole another family like in another state, right? Like I I don't know.

1:01:56

I hear this It's terrifying.

1:01:57

No, I hear this stuff all the time, right? I hear this stuff right? It's so real.

1:02:00

Every true crime podcast starts out with like this shady boyfriend. I'm like no no no.

1:02:07

Yeah, or like or like you find out that you know this person isn't everything they said they were.

1:02:11

They didn't have that much money or whatever it was or like well they didn't look like Whatever like there's just so many and of course Tinder Swindler. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's wild.

1:02:19

And those are all extreme scenarios, right?

1:02:20

So I don't want to put that out there and make everyone feel like oh my god everyone you meet but you have to be skeptical and you have to get a private investigator or something like that.

1:02:30

Um but but I guess my point is how have you learned to discern character when you are meeting people and when you were dating and I would love to hear it from someone who's like gone through that process like more recently than me.

1:02:39

I think um the way that they handle obviously the first meeting uh offering to pick you up or you know like offering to pick you up but also saying if you're more comfortable to meet there but like the gesture um seeing if they want to come to you.

1:02:53

How do they treat the people at the restaurant?

1:02:54

You know, how do they treat the waiter?

1:02:56

How do they treat the hostess?

1:02:58

Um are they you know, um when they're speaking about their life and their passions and other people are they talking badly about other people?

1:03:07

Do they have a uh a sense of spirit or you know what I mean?

1:03:10

Like I think it's just being super like lasered in on how they're pres- you know, like on a first date there's only so much you can tell, but I feel like you can also still tell a lot.

1:03:19

Well, and I think I'm really big on looking at the fruit of people's life, and I think what I mean by that is who are their friends, who do they surround themselves with? Um, are they generous?

1:03:30

It doesn't have to be with money.

1:03:32

Are they generous with their relationships?

1:03:33

Are they generous with their time?

1:03:36

Um, but I think who people have around them says a lot about a person.

1:03:39

So, if you meet someone and you meet the friends are not they're not really cutting it, you know what I mean?

1:03:45

It's or or there's certain things that feel a little bit off, then um, that's a sign. Yeah, those are great. I love all of those.

1:03:52

So, everyone who's listening and watching, write those down because they're so awesome.

1:03:55

Take a screenshot of where we are on the episode right now because all of those are such great ways to know character.

1:04:02

Uh, my some of mine that I love is I I want to see someone when they're tired, stressed, and irritated.

1:04:08

I feel like when I see someone, and that doesn't make me decide whether they're a good person or a bad person because, by the way, I'm really not nice when I'm irritated.

1:04:15

Um, but it's like I want to see someone with those emotions because that's like really seeing their character.

1:04:23

When you see people in a date in an interview format, they're rarely tired, stressed, or fatigued.

1:04:26

And when you see someone who's feeling those things, like I remember when I first saw Rothy in those ways or Rothy saw me in those ways, it was healthy for us to actually get to know the kind of like the reality of certain emotions you are going to feel if you end up with someone.

1:04:42

Those don't come out for a while, though. They don't.

1:04:47

I think that character it's not tested in our good moments.

1:04:49

It is tested in our That's what I mean. That's what I mean.

1:04:52

A true sign of somebody's character, yeah.

1:04:54

that out on a date, you know what I mean?

1:04:55

I think also like learning when you're learning about somebody, you can really kind of ask questions, and I feel like I remember when I was dating, I was very aware of of my mishaps and my patterns that were toxic in in dating.

1:05:07

And you know what I mean?

1:05:07

Like being able to share that with somebody and like being vulnerable.

1:05:09

Like, you know, I used to do this a lot, and I would, you know, kind of being vulnerable in that way and then just kind of seeing how they also dealt with, you know, adversity in their life.

1:05:18

I think it's also a true testament to carry on.

1:05:22

Before we get to the final five, is there a question I haven't asked you or something that's on your heart?

1:05:25

Both of you are such heart-centered uh deep people that like I want to make sure that if there's anything intuitively that's within you that you really want to share with the On Purpose community, is there something that's on your mind or heart that I haven't asked you or you really want to share that you'd like to share?

1:05:39

Our hope with right It's It's hard work to write a book, you know, and and so Tell me about it.

1:05:43

So, our hope is really that that people would read it and, you know, they would feel like they're reading along with two friends and that they would know that they're not alone.

1:05:53

And I'm not just saying that as something to say like, whatever you're facing in life, you are not alone.

1:06:00

not alone. And so, um you know, we welcome people sending us, you know, direct messages or if you want to send an email, if you you know, you have questions or even if you want prayer for something like, you know, I'm here and

1:06:14

and we're here and um we are all in this journey together on this journey together and I think that it can be easy to turn on the news or to look at our world today and feel very discouraged and think this is not a the sunshine mind, this is a dark world. There's a

1:06:28

There's a lot of unrest, but the truth is there is way more good in the world than there is bad.

1:06:35

And sometimes you have to fight a little bit for it, but it is possible to live life with what we call the sunshine mind.

1:06:42

And um I hope that people through reading this can can feel that from our writing. Absolutely. I really I do.

1:06:48

writing. Absolutely. I really I do. I hope that there are tangible things that people can take away, you know, and I we wrote in there like, live life through hope-colored glasses because I think often times it's easier to to look at the negative and go down a dark path and

1:07:01

I think that we choose hope, we choose joy and and it's not to belittle people that have, you know, strong feelings and things that are going on in their lives, but I think like on the daily you can really you can kind of train your brain to to look at life in a different way. And so

1:07:17

And so Help people find that. Yeah, so beautiful.

1:07:21

And and again, uh the book is called The Sunshine Mind, 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want, uh Tanya Rad and Raquel Stevens.

1:07:29

Make sure you follow them again.

1:07:29

If you don't, uh go and grab a copy of the book.

1:07:32

I have my final five that we ask every guest uh who's ever been on the show on their first time on the show. Great.

1:07:38

Uh so, this is a rapid-fire fast five, which means the questions can only be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. Well, okay.

1:07:45

There are people who follow the rules and there's nothing to win apart from my validation.

1:07:53

But there's some people that do it perfectly and there's some people that go off piste.

1:07:55

I would prefer that we keep it tight because it's it's it's part of it. It makes it more fun.

1:07:59

Uh okay, and and whoever goes first doesn't matter.

1:08:02

We can do back and forth on each question.

1:08:03

All right, the first question is um what is the best advice you've ever you've ever received, heard, or given?

1:08:11

There's room for everyone. Oh.

1:08:13

Chelsea Handler told me that. Oh, that's good.

1:08:15

one of my first days of work. Oh, that's too much. Sorry. No, that's perfect.

1:08:18

No, that was a great answer. No, no, no.

1:08:20

If I keep nodding like, "Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah."

1:08:21

It's like I want to There's room for everyone. That's cool.

1:08:24

Prioritize the inner life. My mom taught me that. Love that. Both great answers.

1:08:29

Very tight and very precise. Makes a lot of sense.

1:08:31

All right, uh second question.

1:08:32

What is the worst advice you've ever heard, received heard or received?

1:08:37

If he loved me, he would.

1:08:39

Because I'm I'm going to ask you to complete that for me.

1:08:41

If he loved me, he would.

1:08:44

We always say if if somebody loves you enough, they will do anything and everything.

1:08:48

And I think that that's just not It's such an unrealistic expectation that we've been told for years and years and years.

1:08:54

And I think it's it's it's problematic. That's you. Love that one.

1:08:59

Got another episode on that. All right, Raquel.

1:09:01

Right before I moved to LA 12 years ago, I was living in Chicago and someone said to me, "You're meant to stay here, you know, the grass isn't greener on the other side.

1:09:09

It's greener where you water it."

1:09:11

Which I think that statement can be true in certain times, but you know, I disagreed with that person who was a big voice in my life at the time.

1:09:16

I wrote about it in the book and I thought, "No, my peace is telling me that I'm, you know, meant to go to LA."

1:09:22

And I think a lot of times when people are close to us, we can listen to their advice and actually go with it, but listen to people, but then trust your inner voice. Mhm, great, great.

1:09:33

Okay, so yeah, it was bad advice because they were asking you to stay somewhere that was and I I thought it for a second.

1:09:38

I was like, "Maybe I will stay." But No.

1:09:39

Uh question number three, what's the biggest lesson you've learned in the last 12 months?

1:09:45

Compromise is a beautiful thing. Mhm.

1:09:47

I think people often hear that word and they think you're selling yourself short.

1:09:51

I think it can be a very beautiful thing. All right, Raquel.

1:09:56

Uh when you're living a life of integrity, you always sleep peacefully at night. Wow.

1:10:02

I think I had a lot of moments this past year, like career stuff, different things that happened or, you know, people say this or they say that and it's like, "No, I know who I am."

1:10:10

I have to say, yeah, watching you through that season of life Yeah.

1:10:14

as a friend, it was I she was so admirable to just see anybody that was in that situation could have really crumbled and really, you know, been shaken up by everything that was going on and it did not Raquel, she knows who she is.

1:10:30

She knows the person, she knows her character and she was not like it was just it was really cool to see because you really do like, I mean, in in everything that's in the book, like you really these are this is how we live our life and it's in those moments when you're faced with these situations that it comes into play and like you really Yeah. were strong.

1:10:50

Question number four, what's your favorite day each in this book that you can't wait when they when people get it for them to read.

1:10:57

Is there a specific day that like out of the 100 days that you both like feel is one of your favorites that you can't wait for people to get to?

1:11:05

I'm a big fan of catch a vision.

1:11:08

I love I make vision boards every single year.

1:11:10

So I think catch a vision is one of my favorites. Nice.

1:11:13

I I'm can't remember exactly which day it was, but um the the one on forgiveness.

1:11:18

expect you to remember 100 days. Yeah, yeah.

1:11:20

All right, catch a vision is day 54. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:11:22

Catch a vision is day 54.

1:11:24

And then which one is your one? Forgive. Oh, forgive someone 63? Yeah. Yeah.

1:11:29

Um so forgive someone on page 63.

1:11:32

Thank you, Jay, for reminding or for telling us page 63. Day 63.

1:11:36

Um you can't live a life of freedom without being able to forgive.

1:11:40

And so I forgive everybody and everything.

1:11:44

Um sometimes that's a little more of a process. Sometimes it's easy.

1:11:49

Um but it is essential to live a happy life. Beautiful.

1:11:52

All right, fifth and final question for both of you.

1:11:53

We I We failed on this, by the way.

1:11:56

We've been chatting away.

1:11:57

No, no, no, but no, no, no, but I've been asking. I've been asking.

1:12:00

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you haven't failed at all.

1:12:01

You haven't failed at all.

1:12:02

It's I always get intrigued by answers to these five.

1:12:04

And and they I ask people to answer them in one word or one sentence because then people get really thoughtful and then you can really get into it.

1:12:11

Uh okay, fifth and final question.

1:12:13

If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

1:12:16

I mean, I already thought of mine. Oh, all right.

1:12:20

But it goes along with the book, but I would want either no filters or anything on social media or people it has to um like say what was used on this photo. Do you know what I mean?

1:12:32

Because I think as a young girl you're looking at all these photos and they've been photoshopped and they've been put through so many filters and you don't you don't see that.

1:12:39

So it's like if these platforms would tell you how much work was in putting this photo, I think it would relieve a lot of these expectations that we put on ourselves.

1:12:50

So I think either removing all those or having like to disclose what you used on your photos and videos. That is great.

1:12:56

We've never had that on the show ever. I love that. one Tonya. Yeah, well.

1:13:00

That's really good, Tonya. I really love that. cuz I do.

1:13:03

I think that there's a lot that goes into our our psyche that we from scrolling that you don't even realize is going into your psyche. That's very problematic.

1:13:10

So, if it's just all out there, you want to use your whatever's, use them, but just tell tell people. I love that one.

1:13:17

Um mine would be uh don't judge.

1:13:17

And I heard Maya Angelou, to quote her again, she said something along the lines of if you're human being, you could never say of another human being, I'm I would never do that.

1:13:30

Because if you were living their life circumstances, if you were in their shoes, you would maybe be capable of the same. Wow.

1:13:37

And so, I think we have to be very slow to judge each other, and we need to give a lot more love, a lot more compassion. Beautiful answers.

1:13:45

Everyone, the book is called The Sunshine Mind, 100 Days to Finding the Hope and Joy that you want.

1:13:51

Uh Tonya Rad and Raquel Stevens, uh make sure you go and grab a copy of the book.

1:13:55

I'm so excited for my friends.

1:13:55

Uh one of my favorite things is to use my platform and community to support my friends and people that I love, people that I think are bringing amazing energy into the world, and these two wonderful humans are doing just that.

1:14:07

So, I hope you'll show them all your love, all your support, uh all your energy and excitement.

1:14:10

It would mean the world to me.

1:14:11

And uh thank you both for your time and energy on On Purpose.

1:14:15

Thank you for your time, Jay.

1:14:15

This means so much to us, and this has been incredible. Yeah.

1:14:19

I could sit here for I could sit here all day. Literally. too much fun. Literally.

1:14:25

No, really really appreciate it.

1:14:25

Like, honestly can't say thank you enough. Amazing. I love it. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Jay. Thank you.

1:14:30

If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.