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Most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise.
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We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.
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Do you believe that there's right person, wrong time? Absolutely.
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It's not as simple as, "Oh, we love each other, everything's supposed to work perfectly."
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Love is one thing, relationship is another.
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One of the most sought-after relationship coaches in the world.
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The most popular voice in the relationship education space. Stephan speaks.
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Right now in dating, men have a bad reputation. Is it fair? Completely unfair.
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When she goes on that date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may leave out parts of what she did to contribute to the problem.
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I think people are not having success in dating because people are not accepting who they are first. that.
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There are things about us we know, but society makes us feel shamed about it.
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How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate?
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My initial response was going to be, you don't communicate with them at all, you let them go, but if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, yeah.
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if we can't discuss it, how can we fix it?
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We base our perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables.
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I always say, the way to determine how serious someone is about you is The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.
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The one, the only Jay Shetty.
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What are the biggest issues that men and women are facing when trying to meet the right people and they keep feeling like they meet the wrong person?
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I think one of the biggest issues we have in this world right now is we are refusing to accept the differences between the average man and the average woman.
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Now, I say the average man and average woman because I understand there are exceptions to every rule, nothing applies 100%.
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However, we have very distinct differences that if we reject, we're going to have conflict in in So, one that comes to mind, and I I don't know this is what I was recently talking about.
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There's this push that people want to say women want sex as much as men, right?
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They they they'd want it just as much. That's an absolute lie. Okay?
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That As far as I'm concerned, that's simply not true.
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Now, I once was at a conference Well, not a conference.
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I was once uh flown into a It was a one of those dating sites.
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They had they brought a few experts in.
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They had this presentation and there was a scientist who brought up this study that showed that {quote} women want sex as much as men.
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And I told her I said, "I think there's something wrong here.
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I think what the study is doing is conflating intimacy with sex."
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And the reality is that women want intimacy. Okay?
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If if I would say if you had door number one, door number two.
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Door number one is just straight sex.
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Door number two is hugs, kisses, intimacy, all that.
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The majority of women are choosing door number two.
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The majority of men are choosing door number one.
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The reason why this is so important to accept, and this is just one example of the built-in differences of who we are that we've got to learn to just accept it.
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Is because now if a man gets with a woman being told, "We are the same.
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We want sex the same way."
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He does not understand how to speak to her in a way that makes her sexually receptive to him.
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He thinks, "Oh, if we just like sex, we like sex.
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If you're horny, you're horny. That's it. End of story."
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And no, for the majority of women, there is a mental and emotional component you have to be aware of.
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If she is in the wrong place, if she's overly stressed, if she's overwhelmed, this can take away all her desire or willingness to engage sexually.
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So, by feeding this narrative that we're that we are the same in all these ways, we are not allowing ourselves to learn the differences, respect the differences, and speak to those differences, which will then allow us to have more harmony in relationships.
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And I feel that if we could do that and really respect the other genders position on things.
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And of course, you don't go in just assuming all these generalized things apply to each person.
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But they can be your basic foundation and then you learn that individual and understand, okay, well with her, maybe she does want sex more than I do, right?
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Or with this one, maybe she wants a little bit more of this.
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You you are open and you are flexible.
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But I think if people took that approach, they would have better dating experiences better relationships, much better marriages, all right?
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Because I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to a husband and I was like, "Listen, emotionally, mentally, she's not in the right place."
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And he's like, "That sounds stupid." Exactly.
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And because, and I have to say to the women, some of them create this dynamic where when they're dating, she doesn't talk about those things being important to her.
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She kind of plays along with the all right, she just wants sex that much and she's just ready to go at it with him.
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So he never learns and understands, no, she needs more than that. All right?
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So we can again, there's so many different examples I could give, but I do think one of the key things to people not just meeting the and I'll say I'll get I'll get to that in a second, but one of the key things to meet the right person is just respecting the differences of men and women.
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Now, piggybacking off of that, the second thing is I think people are not having success in dating because people are not accepting who they are first, all right?
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Now, a lot of people may say you have to learn who you are, you have to figure it out.
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I think a lot of life is accepting who we are. I like that.
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There are things about us we know, but society makes us feel ashamed about it.
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Tells us there's something wrong with this.
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You know, and so now we run away from certain realities of who we are.
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One example I'll give from myself, I'm extremely ambitious. Maybe too ambitious.
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I don't know if there's a such thing, but I'm very, very ambitious.
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And for me, I'm always striving for the next. I got to do more. I got to do more.
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I got to conquer the next thing.
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But for a long time, I was told this was bad.
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Oh, you need to just enjoy the moment, celebrate it, stop worrying about the next thing, all these things.
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And I remember I took a month where I said, "Okay, you know what?
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I'm not going to pursue anything else.
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I'm just going to rest in what I have, be happy with it."
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And it was one of my most depressed months ever in my life.
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I felt like a neutered dog.
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Like it was like you took all the fire out of me.
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And when I finally got to a place of accepting, "Okay, this is who I am, and I'm wired this way for a reason.
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God created me this way because there's a purpose for me to carry out."
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How that then opens up the dating or how that creates better dating experiences that now, by me knowing this part of me and accepting it, I understand I can only choose someone who aligns with that. Yes. You see?
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But if I'm sit sitting here trying to be something I'm not, then I'm picking these people who don't truly fit me, and I don't fit them.
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And that's why you have these relationships or even these marriages where people wake up 5 years later from this fog, this this excitement they had of their partner, to finally see what's really there, and it's like, "We don't really like each other."
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Or we don't get along, or we don't really fit well together, and we're constantly in conflict with each other.
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So, if we would just first really put more energy into understanding who we are, accepting who we are, and then we we can then realize who we need to pick that aligns with that, that would change the landscape.
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And and not only would that change the landscape for so many people, it would allow us to stop letting situations drag on longer than they should.
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Because a lot of people, they meet someone, they really like them, but they can sense something's missing or something's off.
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But the problem with people is that they're being told if you have this great person, you can't pass that up.
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You see, if you don't have a very glaring reason that society deems as valid, oh, well, then you're being stupid or being ridiculous.
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It's like, no, you you have to trust your spirit, trust your intuition.
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Something is telling you and and it's probably something that you can't see, but maybe you can't articulate it or again, you don't feel like it's valid enough.
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But I can tell you from my position, those little things is what turns into a big thing later and destroys the whole relationship. Absolutely. You know. Yeah. And a third one?
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Or it doesn't have to be. Well, I I'll say this.
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So, you know, we we said understand the differences, understand yourself, and the third one would be healing.
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I I I have to always mention that because I believe the number one issue faith that people are facing is a lack of healing.
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And that plays into figuring yourself out because again, you if you are operating out of a place of fear or shame or you've been told you weren't good enough or something about you wasn't good, even though it that wasn't the case, well, that's going to make you struggle with embracing that, Mhm. right?
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And if you aren't healed and you're carrying all these negative perceptions of relationships, love, because a lot of people with their words say I want love, but in reality, they're scared of it. All right?
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They fear being that vulnerable.
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So, they actually subconsciously choose partners who don't make them too vulnerable, but they're good enough to be with, so to speak. Yeah.
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Which is what I call the safe choice.
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Some people hear me say the safe choice and they misunderstand what I'm saying.
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I'm not saying safe as in this person creates a place of safety for you.
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I'm saying this person doesn't take you to the true level of love, true vulnerability.
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You're able to have emotional control and manage the situation, but because of that, you're never choosing someone you're really into and you can never be what they really need, either.
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And at some point, it's going to fall all apart, but it all goes back to healing.
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We've got to heal and not just heal from the romantic relationships, from childhood trauma, from everything because it all contributes to our struggle to connect with other individuals. Yeah, man.
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You said so many interesting things that I need to like dissect now.
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So, the first thing that came to my mind, especially about the accepting yourself, which I really like that idea of rather than trying to just learn about yourself or rather than trying to transform yourself, there's an acceptance of like who am I? Why am I this way? What does that mean?
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And I feel like in relationships, people are looking for someone who perfectly complements them or perfectly fits them as opposed to this idea that oh, that person accepts me for who I am and allows me to be who I am.
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So, I always say this, I'm similar to you.
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I'm highly ambitious, really driven, love what I get to do.
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I would be the same as you if I took a month off. Like I I get that. Yeah.
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I relate to all of those things.
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And my wife is so much more like a family person, like quality time, wants to be ambitious, but she also wants to be present and all the rest, right?
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And we are not a perfect fit in that sense, but the reason it works for us is because she allows me to be me and I allow her to be her.
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I've accepted who I am and I know what that means and she accepts me and I accept her back.
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So, if I said to her, "Hey, you know what?
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I don't think I'm going to come to that family event cuz I got this work thing that I really want to get to." She accepts that. She's okay with that.
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And if she said to me, "I don't really want to come out to you at that business thing that you've got today.
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I really want to just spend time with my family."
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I'd be like, "Cool, I get it."
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And I feel like we're just looking for someone who kind of wants to do the thing we want to do with us all the time.
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But then you start realizing it becomes about one person.
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But talking about ambition, I wanted to ask you, do you think that men today are struggling with being attracted to ambitious, driven, successful women? Yes.
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But so okay, I guess the reason why I'm hesitating in the way I answered that is when you say men today cuz I would argue it's probably always been like that.
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Um I just think that more there's more ambitious women now and so there is this disconnect there.
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And I think that the disconnect though isn't simply based off of men not wanting an ambitious woman.
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I think we got to go a lot deeper than that. Let's do it.
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And the unfortunate reality is that and and I and I want women to understand I you know, again, I recognize that there are some women who genuinely are wired that way, all right? They it feeds them.
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The same way it feeds us, it feeds them to be achieving, to be doing stuff and I I'm a firm believer, I want women to walk in their truth, whatever it is.
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I will say though there's a segment at least a segment, a large segment of those women who are ambitious out of necessity or even fear.
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They've been told never rely on a man.
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They've been told you you have to take care of yourself, right?
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And so with that they chase this career but it's actually at conflict with who they really are because deep inside they actually are the woman that values the family time more, being at the home and there's nothing wrong with that, but they have a segment of society telling them, "Oh, you can't do that's wrong.
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You need to be out there strong woman, do your own thing."
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And so those women will have a conflict in dating because they're already at conflict with themselves. Okay?
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And that has to be corrected.
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So I I always encourage women like, "Listen, be real with yourself.
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There's a lot of women who they they do the work that they do not because they love the work or having to work, but they love the lifestyle it affords okay?
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Which is why for many of them, whenever we have the conversation about why can't you date a man who's making less, right?
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Well, part of it is because in the back of her mind, if she has a dream of one day being able to leave work, she wants a man who can keep the lifestyle up, okay?
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And if he's making less, well, then in her mind, how will he be able to keep her lifestyle and maintain him?
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Like, it's like, "No, he's got to be making as much or if not more so that I can keep this life that I've built for myself and I love very much."
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But again, I think you you it all starts with understanding, okay, is this really who you are or not?
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Now, going back to the men, I do think there is a struggle with a lot of men.
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One of the things that, at least it comes to mind first for me, the low issue of low testosterone.
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And so, I'm very passionate about the whole testosterone issue.
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And I And I do want men to understand, it's deeper than just testosterone, because sometimes we're so fixed like, you could have high testosterone, but if your cortisol levels are too high, your body's not even processing the testosterone correctly.
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Your stress is blocking it.
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If your vitamin D is too low, if your B2 There's other things that can throw it off.
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So, don't don't think of life as, "Let me just fix my testosterone and that's it."
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But, that can be a huge game changer for a lot of men.
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So, if you have a man who's already Cuz I always say, some men are not lazy, they're unhealthy. Mhm. All right?
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And if he is not healthy, he has low testosterone, his ability to handle, embrace, respect an ambitious is going to be a struggle in some way.
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Well, it'll be a struggle in the sense that it might make him feel inadequate the way that she may carry herself with that ambition.
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However, I would argue that some of those men A lot of those men probably want the ambitious woman simply because for him, I need somebody who can carry the load, okay?
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And if she's going to come into my life and stabilize me, then great.
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The real problem is the ambitious woman does not want that man. Yeah.
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She's probably in most cases looking for a man who is also ambitious, right?
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And this is where the disconnect comes because now it's kind of like the whole discussion of having two alphas in a relationship, two very strong personalities, there's no real balance there, okay?
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And for a lot of women, what they're overlooking is what most men value or at least most men who are ambitious themselves, who do take care of themselves, they're looking for a compliment to that.
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They're looking for someone who can love them, pour into them, you know, contribute to a peaceful environment.
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He doesn't care about your money and your ambition as much, right?
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But the guy who doesn't have for himself, well, he's going to put more value on those things.
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And it becomes this mismatch of individuals.
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So, a lot of these women who are ambitious, it's not that they cannot get a man, they're struggling to get the type of men they desire. Mhm. All right?
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And again, as I said earlier about how we focus on the desirables, not the non-desirables, when she says, "I can't meet anyone," she's not literally saying, "I can't meet any man."
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She's just saying, "I'm not meeting anyone I actually like and want to pay attention to."
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So, in her mind, "I'm not meeting anyone." Yeah. You see? Yeah.
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And so, there is a problem with a lot of men, um and and I do think again, I would I would pose the question to a lot of women, "Are you going to be happy in the long run in that kind of a dynamic?" Yes. You know?
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Is that really going to serve you or is that a right now in the moment thing?
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Because there's a lot of ambitious women who accepted maybe the less ambitious man, right?
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Cuz he figured, "All right, well, he loves me.
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It's going to, you know, he'll he'll be there for me.
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I can trust this relationship."
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But then over time, she becomes frustrated with him.
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You know, he doesn't take initiative.
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He's not as assertive as he as she wants him to be.
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He doesn't exude the same level of masculine energy that she desires from a man.
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And that will take its toll, and eventually it will probably blow up the whole relationship.
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Yeah, and that and that's it's a tough situation to be in because you just don't have any idea where things are going to go. Mhm. Right? You don't know.
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Like I always say that when when my wife met me, I was in debt and had no job.
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And she was, you know, wonderful enough to like be in love with me in that place in my life.
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And we didn't know that things were ever going to change, but she was kind of like, as long as we're stable, and you find a job and we're good, then things will be great.
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And I remember that giving me a lot of confidence.
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Like even though I was in such a like place of like I remember I was getting rejected from companies.
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I wasn't getting any jobs cuz I just left the monastery.
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Like I wasn't it was really tough getting back into the work.
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But her being there kind of gave me confidence in myself and kind of made me go, "Oh, wow.
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Well, if a woman like that can, you know, believe enough to be with a man like me, then then I've got to work for it now." Mhm.
18:23
And I think the key is, are you are you willing to do that in a way that gives someone confidence, or are you someone who gets so affected by it, well, no matter what gender you are, where you're now making the other person feel bad for it? Right?
18:34
Whatever gender you are, if you're always like, "Oh, come on. You're just lazy." Or, "Come on. You need to do more."
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If you feel that way about your partner, chances are that that's going to push them away, not motivate them to do better. Absolutely.
18:47
But I think what what has to be considered in like using your situation as example is that she didn't have to create ambition in you. She activated it. Yeah. She energized it, okay?
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But it already existed within you.
19:01
So, for her it was very fortunate that things that she found a man who actually wanted to make more of himself.
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The unfortunate reality is that there's a lot of women who will take that approach with a man and believe that, okay, if I love on him and pour into him, this will get him to step up.
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And it's like, no, he does not have it in him.
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And there's nothing you can do.
19:19
Like, when you think about it, anyone who's successful has had experiences where, whether it be friends, family, or random people, where you've tried to help someone, and no matter what you gave, you could give him the whole blueprint, right?
19:34
You can fund them, you can do everything, and it still becomes nothing.
19:40
Because it's just not in them.
19:40
We cannot make them into something that they're not.
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So, I think it's important that for a woman, if you're going to take that approach, you have to do your due diligence of understanding who he is as a man, his true character.
19:52
Are you projecting a fantasy and a potential on him that doesn't really exist? All right?
20:00
What does he see himself like?
20:00
I would argue, I I don't even know what conversations you guys had, but there's a very good chance that if I was there, you were speaking as a man who wanted to accomplish things. Yeah, for sure.
20:12
So, she was just, all right, I'm going to support that.
20:13
I'm going to get behind you.
20:14
That's very different from a woman saying to him, like, for example, well, you could do this, and you could become this.
20:19
And it's like, okay, no, he has to want that. Yeah.
20:22
He has to have that vision. distinction. You see?
20:24
And I think that's where people, you know, get tripped up and end up in a situations where and and and to your point, the key is ask yourself as a woman, are you going to be okay if this man never changes?
20:37
Because you're you're placing a bet. All right?
20:39
There's no guarantee you're going to win this bet.
20:43
Are you going to be okay if this man never changes?
20:44
If not, I would suggest, because here's another angle we can look at.
20:50
Her presence, her love gave you confidence.
20:54
But did that have to be given within the context of a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship? anything. Exactly.
20:59
So, if a woman really believes in the man, but she knows if this man doesn't change, I'm going to be really upset, all right?
21:05
And I'm going to cheated.
21:07
Then all we're saying is maybe don't cross romantic lines yet.
21:09
Let that man know cuz I'll tell you this, if he has it in him and he has a desire for that woman and that woman said to him, "Listen, I think you can make a great partner.
21:20
I would love to be with you, but I need you to get to a more stable place first."
21:24
If he's serious, that's his motivation right there.
21:26
That will get him because as long as he knows, "Oh, I can get the woman that I of my dreams, the woman I love if I put in the work, okay, I'mma do that."
21:34
But by getting with him while in the process, for a lot of men, they only do to acquire. Mhm.
21:43
And if they already acquired, then what am I going to do anything for?
21:46
Why do I need to go work and all this extra stuff and or try to do more to make more money when I'm getting fed, I'm getting sex, I have a roof over my head? Yeah.
21:55
For a lot of men, that is enough.
21:57
There's only a smaller segment of men who you can give them all those things and it doesn't matter. They have to do more. It's just who they are. Yeah.
22:06
So that has to be acknowledged and recognized when a woman's going to determine if she's going to actually engage in that kind of a dynamic.
22:13
It is more likely when a woman goes to her friends and family to tell them that this relationship fell apart, they're going to say, "Hey, you know, you're you're better than that. He doesn't deserve you."
22:24
Those type of things to build her up, make her feel good, not really pointing out where she may have gotten things wrong.
22:29
There is literally advice that tells people ignore someone if you want them more or want them to want you more, okay?
22:36
Like literally, when you understand what people are being fed, then you start to realize it's not as simple as if they want to, they would.
22:45
No, talk to them first because if I'm being told as a woman, "I'm great. Nothing's wrong with me.
22:50
These men are horrible, right?
22:53
And there's nothing for me to do different."
22:56
So then anything that goes wrong will always be viewed through the lens of men are just horrible people.
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23:55
I feel like right now in dating, men have a bad reputation. Okay. Men get a lot of blame. Yeah. Is it fair?
24:04
It is unfair, completely unfair.
24:07
One of the big problems that exists is that a lot of women are not being told accurate stories of other women's dating experiences.
24:15
Now, that isn't to say there aren't genuinely bad men out there, bad experiences, and all that.
24:22
But what they fail to understand is that, whether it be their friends, their family, whoever, when she goes on that date, or she's in that relationship, and things go wrong, she may leave out parts of what she did to contribute to the problem.
24:35
And so, you're hearing this very one-sided uh a view of the situation, which is going to almost always paint the man in the negative light.
24:44
And so, the woman starts to develop this very negative perception of men based off all these stories she's being fed.
24:51
Then you add the internet, right?
24:53
And and the internet is built off of sensationalism and people coming up with all kinds of craziness to make the opposite gender look bad.
25:02
So, whether it's men talking about women or women talking about or the same gender talking down on their gender, whatever it is, they're trying to hype up negative stories.
25:09
So, even though these negative stories exist, we don't always realize they're not so much the majority.
25:16
They could be the minority, they're just being pushed a lot more.
25:20
And so, yeah, it does create this very unfair this unfair view of men.
25:26
And I And I think there's there's again a little bit on both sides, to be honest with you.
25:29
Talk to me about how do those negative stories actually affect us?
25:32
Because I think we don't think about that sometimes in terms of if every time you're talking to someone it's like, "Oh, yeah, this just happened.
25:37
Oh, yeah, yeah, same thing happened to my friend.
25:40
Oh, yeah, same thing happened to that friend."
25:41
And like you said, we don't have the full data, it's not always happened to us. Yeah.
25:45
And then it spreads, but what does that psychologically and even emotionally do to our own mind and brain and heart?
25:51
Well, I think it's just human nature to where we take our negative experiences and we project it onto that that demographic of whoever it's attached to.
26:01
So, it's like if someone gets robbed by a certain demographic of people, they may start to develop a fear towards that those people.
26:08
Even though it was one isolated incident, they now become cautious to them.
26:13
So, in dating, when you start to experience or hear all these negative things towards men, let's say, well, you're naturally going to become more defensive, more negative.
26:24
And then what What you don't realize is you create these self-fulfilling fulfilling prophecies because you go into the dating experience bracing for negativity or projecting it, not realizing you're creating it, okay?
26:35
And so, what also makes it worse and and it hit me when you were asking the question is that And again, I don't want women to feel like I'm just saying like women don't take any responsibility or anything like that cuz there's plenty of women who do.
26:49
However, it is more likely when a woman goes to her friends and family to tell her that tell them that this relationship fell apart.
26:55
They're going to say, "Hey, you know, you're you're better than that. He doesn't deserve you."
27:01
Those type of things to build her up, make her feel good, not really pointing out where she may have gotten things wrong.
27:07
The man goes to his friends and other people about the relationship that fell apart.
27:11
"Man, you were stupid anyway.
27:11
You should have done this."
27:13
Like they're going to come down on him regardless.
27:16
And whether he likes it not, he's going to have to accept some level of personal accountability.
27:21
Well, that also now shapes how they approach the next dating situation.
27:27
Now, unfortunately, I do think that there are some men who when they run to the internet and they hear women bad, women bad, women bad, they become blind to their own flaws.
27:38
But, I think you can make the argument that women have a an audience of uplifters more than men do.
27:43
And that will now skew how people view the opposite sex.
27:48
And now those negative stories are only going to have even more of an impact.
27:53
Because if I'm being told as a woman, I'm great. Nothing's wrong with me.
27:58
These men are horrible, right?
28:01
And there's nothing for me to do different.
28:03
So then anything that goes wrong will always be viewed through the lens of men are just horrible people.
28:08
Like you're never going to think, "Well, wait a minute.
28:11
Maybe there was something missing from this story or maybe she could have handled things different."
28:17
No, you're going to jump right to they're bad.
28:18
Because that's what you're being told over and over again.
28:20
And then it's being solidified by some of your own personal experiences, but you may not realize what's contributing to those experiences even coming about.
28:30
Yeah, that's a that's a really interesting way to look at it because there was a Facebook group and I forget what it's called now, but it's basically for I think it's called Are We Dating the Same Man?
28:43
And it's been built because there are so many women who are experiencing men dating them at the same time even though he's saying he's exclusive with one.
28:49
So I had this happen to someone that I know recently and she was seeing this guy for like 6 months and then they were or 3 months sorry, they were seeing each other for 3 months.
29:04
They were getting a bit closer. It was long distance.
29:05
He'd come out to see her and she was about to go and see him.
29:09
So she messaged him and said, "Hey, I'm coming out.
29:12
I just want to make sure that we're taking it in the right direction."
29:15
cuz she's buying a flight. She's coming over.
29:16
She's investing in the relationship and this guy who messaged her every day just ghosted her. Mhm.
29:22
So she went on to this Facebook group and she wrote about it a few days later when she was like, "Wait a minute, this guy's not getting back to me.
29:27
I've lost the flight ticket.
29:29
I'm not in a great place."
29:30
And then this other woman messaged back and was like, "Hey, let's connect offline."
29:36
So then she shared her story.
29:36
This guy supposedly is married. Mhm.
29:38
He's then been dating this other girl who just found out that he's married saying he was going to get divorced and now he was dating the person that I know. mercy.
29:47
And so I think when you hear a story like that, it's no surprise that that spreads cuz that's a fascinating juicy story and it's heartbreaking for the people that are actually invested and involved in it.
29:58
And I think that empathy even when I heard that story, I was so heartbroken.
30:02
But we have to remember that isn't the majority.
30:07
It does exist and it's really sad and if it's happened to you, I'm so sorry.
30:09
Like I feel like that that could be the worst thing to go through. Mhm.
30:15
But it isn't the majority and we have to be careful about how we amplify the minority experience. Exactly.
30:19
And I think what we're not realizing as a society is that the reality is there we base our perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables. All right?
30:30
That top 20% of men or women who get the most attention, who have the most opportunities.
30:37
And it kind of goes back to that belief of how great power can corrupt. All right?
30:42
So, even the good, nice guy, if he now becomes a man who has all kinds of beautiful women coming after him, he has all this access, not all, but there are many who will start to fall into behaviors that they wouldn't have before, who will start to become more of a womanizer, who will start to enjoy all this access that they have, right?
31:03
And the reality is that when we hear these stories, this is not a story of the average man who just wants a relationship, looking for love, is genuine.
31:13
Maybe he doesn't get all the attention, maybe he's not the most desirable guy, but he's a good guy.
31:20
But that's not where we're going to put our attention.
31:21
And it's the same thing with women.
31:23
When you when you hear men on the internet say, "Women just want money. Women just want money."
31:26
Now, granted, women value financial stability in men, most, okay?
31:30
And I think that most men should strive for some level of stability.
31:34
However, there are tons of women dating broke men. All right?
31:37
There are tons of women who that is not their number one priority.
31:42
It's a desire, but they want to be loved, they want quality time, they want these other things.
31:46
But again, if it's not being said by the audience that the men fixate so much on, they don't hear those voices. Yeah.
31:57
They just focus on the women who again, and I'm using the word desirable not because I'm determining what's desirable, I'm just laying out the people who get the most attention, who tend to get more attention.
32:06
For whatever reason, right or wrong, that's what happens in life.
32:10
And so, we got to realize that they do not represent the majority.
32:14
And we and we have to ask ourselves sometimes, are we focusing too much on the wrong group of people when we're trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex? For sure.
32:25
When when people are dating, what are some of the things to look out for when you're thinking about long-term success?
32:32
Because I think the challenge people are having now is like someone will love a bomb for 3 months.
32:38
Everything's moving amazing.
32:38
It's getting really intense.
32:40
Like dates are great, hanging out is great, the intimacy is great, and then all of a sudden it's like one person kind of checks out and goes, "Hey, I don't think this is working for me. We're moving too fast.
32:51
Hey, we should slow this down.
32:53
Hey, I think I think we rushed into it."
32:55
And then you're like, "Wait a minute.
32:55
I I thought we were going to get married, right?
32:58
Or like I thought this was going somewhere." What are we meant to do?
33:01
What What are people meant to do in those first 3, 6, 12 months if you had to give markers to kind of slow it down cuz I think we all want to fall in love fast, but it doesn't seem to ever work healthily that way or it doesn't work often healthily that way.
33:14
Well, I will before I get into what we should do with those markers, I think the I always say this, love bombing is only when it's a one-sided thing.
33:26
So basically, two people meet, one person is showering them with all this love and attention and going hard, and for the other person, it's not them saying, "Oh, I'm in love with them."
33:38
It's them saying, "This feels so good. I'm enjoying this. Let me keep this going." You see?
33:42
But if you both and and and let's use a different example where you could have two people meet and they both feel this intense connection immediately.
33:51
They are both feeling strongly about each other.
33:53
To me, that's not a love bomb, all right?
33:55
That's just a connection that two people are embracing a lot quicker than maybe some others would, all right? Yeah, good distinction.
34:01
So now, if those two people moved {quote} {unquote} fast by society's standards, I don't have a problem with that.
34:08
As long as they do their due diligence, which is part of what we got to do within those times marker times.
34:13
But there's nothing wrong like I I knew a couple, they came to one of my events, they got married I think in like 3, 4 months.
34:19
And they said it they watched one of my videos and family and friends were like, "Oh, you're This is stupid. This is wrong."
34:24
But they heard me explain it and they're like, "This was them. This applied to them."
34:29
They felt a connection, they were on the same page.
34:30
And what people have to understand is one couple's 3 months is not the same as the next couple's 3 months.
34:37
So, one couple in their 3 months may have been talking every single day, spending time multiple times a week, asking all these questions, diving deep to each other, meeting each other's families.
34:47
They've done so much due diligence, they don't need years more to figure this out.
34:51
The next couple, they talk here and there.
34:57
They They see each other once a week, every other week. They're very busy.
35:01
And so, the moments together feel great, but they really haven't spent enough time diving deep into each other.
35:09
So, we have to remember that.
35:09
But, as far as what we should be doing is we should be trying to learn as much about the person as quickly as possible.
35:20
I think too many times we have an approach of like going with the flow type of deal. For sure.
35:26
And we'll just figure it out as we go along.
35:27
And in reality, there's a part of you that that doesn't want to rock the boat because again, we're enjoying the companionship.
35:33
If you're having sex, you're enjoying the sex.
35:35
There's different benefits here that you don't want to let go of.
35:38
So, you're you're purposely or subconsciously not asking questions you know might be a problem. Yes. Yes. So true.
35:45
And so now, when things blow up a year later, it's all I I you never know some No, you wouldn't ask the questions that needed to be asked.
35:53
The quicker you can put those questions out there, the quicker you can expose And I use the word expose not in a negative way, but in a way of gaining clarity. Revealing, yeah.
36:02
Yes, revealing who this person is and what we have with each other. Yeah. Okay?
36:06
But, I also think that it always starts with we have to be honest about how we feel.
36:12
Too many people are choosing their partner based off of do they love me rather than do I love them? Oh, so awesome. Okay?
36:20
And if you don't truly love them, if you're not in love with them, nothing else matters.
36:26
Because if you think it's going to be safe for you to pick them because they love you, so when you have that scenario where you said, "All right, things are going real fast. Let's Let's paint it."
36:36
Man love bombs the woman, he's going hard.
36:38
And let's just say he's really infatuated with this woman.
36:41
So, he To him, he believes I'm into this woman.
36:44
To her, she doesn't really She's not into him like that, but man, he's a nice guy. This feels so good.
36:50
All right, I'm going to go along with it.
36:52
6 months, 8 months pass, whatever, he pulls back.
36:56
This is not always the case, but in many cases, he pulls back because he finally wakes up and realizes, "Dang, I'm doing all this for this woman, but she's not really into me."
37:05
And it may not be him coming to that realization first, it might be a friend or a family member like, "Yo, do you see how she moves?"
37:11
I noticed you do this, but she doesn't do this for you.
37:15
And now he starts to think like, "Man, wait a minute.
37:16
She really She's not coming at me the way I come at her."
37:20
But in that moment, let's say he tries to pull away.
37:23
Well, she's enjoying this attention so much, she doesn't want to lose it, whether she's in love with him or not, and her fear of losing it now tricks her into thinking, "I'm in love with this man."
37:34
So, now she fights to keep him.
37:36
And then now he feels, "Okay, validated. She's trying."
37:38
They move forward, but the reality was they were never both truly in love with each other.
37:45
He was infatuated, and she was just enjoying how it felt. Yeah.
37:49
And they reached a point where she was afraid to lose this.
37:50
And of course, whether you're a man or a woman who's the one going hard, you don't want to feel like all your time was wasted.
37:56
You don't want to feel like you were wrong.
37:59
So, if they give you anything to hold on to, you're going to run with it. For sure.
38:02
And next thing you know, you're married with kids, and you're like, "Well, what happened?"
38:05
What happened was you two were never truly in love with each other. Yeah.
38:11
So, in those 3 months, 6 months, whatever, do your due diligence, and really be honest with yourself about how you feel about this person, because if you don't have it in you, trust and believe whatever they think they're having for you is not true love.
38:23
It's something else going on.
38:28
Yeah, and and even for the person who does the love bombing, to realize that no one will ever be able to match you.
38:36
Like, because and you wanting them to match you isn't even fair, because it was already above and beyond what a normal person would do. Yeah.
38:44
And so even when you're sitting there and you're going like, "Oh, well, they're not doing the same thing back for me." or whatever.
38:48
It's like, "Yeah, no surprise. It's only 3 months."
38:50
And like, how are you expecting someone to reciprocate in that way in 3 months?
38:54
And I think for me, you know what?
38:56
You hit the nail on the head.
38:58
Like, I've been looking at I can't relate to in dating anymore, cuz I'm not dating, but I was looking at a new business opportunity.
39:08
And I was meeting a potential new business partner, and it was the same exact thing.
39:12
I felt a good connection, so did they.
39:14
We're really excited to get going.
39:16
Then I spoke to some good advisers that I have in my life.
39:18
You know, like, "Have you asked these questions?" Mhm.
39:21
And I was like, "No, but it just feels good.
39:23
I haven't asked these questions."
39:24
They're like, "Well, you should ask those questions."
39:25
And the whole reason I didn't want to ask those questions is because I thought it'd ruin the connection. But it was so funny.
39:31
I sat down last week, asked the questions, and actually the questions made me feel more confident.
39:35
But, there were more questions I realized I hadn't asked.
39:37
So, now I followed up with those questions.
39:41
And that's where I realized, if you are scared of asking questions because you're scared that they will weaken the relationship, it's actually the other way around.
39:49
If you ask the right questions and it's the right relationship, it will strengthen the relationship.
39:55
You actually come closer.
39:57
And so, asking the right questions isn't about ruining a good thing.
40:01
It's about making sure it's an actually good thing. Exactly.
40:05
been feeling in business all this in the last couple of weeks has been my life.
40:08
So, you really opened my eyes to that right now, that just how much we're so in our head about trying to save something that doesn't even exist yet. Exactly. Exactly.
40:16
And like you said, if if it's going to scare them away, then you saved yourself the time cuz it was going to be a bad situation. So, never fear it.
40:25
We just have to We have to get out of our own perception of what we think we want or what's good or what's better.
40:31
It's like, "No, just if it's not there, it's not there."
40:33
And that means something better will come along. Yeah.
40:37
Is the cliche, "If he wanted to, he would." true? It is absolutely false.
40:42
I hate It is one of the many I hate.
40:46
And here's the reason why I hate it. It can be true. So, okay.
40:50
Let If we look at human beings as when when we're younger and we haven't experienced any trauma, disappointment, all these things, then I think something like that can be true.
41:03
So, think about like two kids in high school, right?
41:04
And the boy's never experienced love. He falls for some woman.
41:08
There's nothing that will pretty much stop him in many cases from going after that woman, pursuing all these things.
41:16
But the reality is that as human beings, we go through life experiences that make us cautious, that make us fearful, that causes us to doubt, right?
41:22
And so now it can create a level of hesitation, a unwillingness to cross certain lines.
41:30
So, yes, a man could love a woman.
41:30
He could be willing, but you have to find out what may be the blockage.
41:36
So, to me, it it's I will apply that saying if a woman has let it be known to that man what she needs from him. Okay?
41:46
So, if for example, two people start dating and she's really big on communication, right?
41:53
So, she wants to hear from him every single day, okay?
41:58
He's calling every few days, right?
41:58
And some girlfriend says to her, "Well, if he wanted to, he would."
42:02
And she runs with that and cuts him off because well, clearly he must not be serious.
42:05
But what you didn't know was the last girl he dated when he called her every day, she felt like he he was smothering her.
42:12
So, now he's scared to call every day cuz he doesn't know what you want.
42:16
He doesn't want to come off needy or overbearing or whatever, so he's trying to play it cool.
42:23
It has nothing to do with his desire or willingness.
42:25
It has everything to do with him trying to navigate this situation because of what he's either been advised or been through or whatever.
42:32
So, that's why the key is if that same woman says to him, "Listen, I'm not hearing from you as much as I want to.
42:38
If you're going to date me, I need to have constant, you know, consistent communication.
42:41
We need to talk every single day."
42:43
Now, if he's really serious about her, he'll call her every day.
42:47
You giving them the green light, he's going to do it. You see?
42:49
And if he's not serious about her, then he will probably come up with excuses, he'll dance around it, whatever the case may be.
42:55
But now you can run with that statement because it's been made clear to him.
42:59
But there's so many underlying things going on and so many reason especially when you consider the advice being given on the internet nowadays, all right?
43:08
Like there is literally advice that tells people ignore someone if you want them more or you want them to want you more, okay?
43:14
Like literally, when you understand what people are being fed, then you start to realize it's not as simple as if they want to, they would. No, talk to them first. Yeah.
43:26
And then I always say the way to determine how serious someone is about you is not in seeing what they do on their own, it's seeing how they handle your expression of concerns and feelings. Mhm. Okay.
43:36
That's what's going to show you how not just how serious they are about you, but how mature they are and and if they're emotionally ready to be in a relationship cuz someone who cannot hear you out is not ready for a real relationship, all right?
43:49
But if they can sit, talk to you, listen, not dismiss, and now make positive changes, all right, then it's all good.
43:58
Yeah, but I find that's the thing going back to your third point, I find that's the thing that's so hard today because that requires healing.
44:05
To be able to hear someone out, to be able to listen to someone's concerns and challenges and how they feel and to actually validate it without invalidating yourself. Right?
44:17
I think that's why we struggle so much because if someone's saying something like if you were saying to me like, "Hey Jay, like you know, I I don't like the way that, you know, your your friends speak to me when they're around."
44:29
If I hear that, I hear I start defending my friends cuz I'm like, "What are you talking about? My friends are amazing.
44:34
Like they're they're they're the best. They're the greatest."
44:35
Now I've invalidated you to validate myself cuz we think validation means I invalidate you, I validate myself.
44:41
Or if I validate you, then I'm invalidating myself.
44:45
Maturity is, "Oh, I can validate you and also stand true to who I am."
44:48
That's a healed individual and so I can agree with you and I can also share my perspective, but I find that if we're looking for that off the bat, don't you feel like that portion of people is really small?
45:01
It is, but this is the unfortunate harsh reality.
45:04
Because that portion is so small and because we overlook those types of issues, well, that's why we have so much unhealthy relationships.
45:13
That's why we have such a high divorce rate.
45:15
And I always tell people, people love to harbor on the divorce rate as an argument not to get married. And I'm like, "Hold up.
45:21
If we could quantify the breakup rate, it would probably make the divorce rate look like child's play, all right?"
45:29
People break up way more and and so much trauma, so much hurt happens in the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship dynamic.
45:36
So, the reality is that yes, if we took this approach that said someone needs to be emotionally mature before we can enter into a relationship with them, relationships would plummet.
45:48
There There would be a lot less relationships.
45:50
However, two things would happen from that.
45:52
There would be more healthy relationships and people would start to realize this is an unacceptable trait that they're carrying with them.
46:02
If people are experiencing where they can be dismissive, they cannot learn to be emotionally in tune and mature and intelligent enough to how to handle someone's feelings and concerns, well, they will never understand the need to fix that. All right?
46:13
And it's the same It's that same issue.
46:16
Like literally, I was just coaching a married couple who they're going through it right now.
46:21
And one of the big issues is they're both very dismissive of each other when they're expressing their concerns. All right?
46:29
So, it's like, yeah, you can look past this if you want, but you're going to pay a price. Is that price worth it?
46:35
And most do not survive that.
46:35
At some point, you're going to have to learn it anyway, right?
46:40
So, I just think, yeah, I I I think it'd be best And I understand and I'm speaking idealistically.
46:47
Realistically, most people are going to overlook this issue.
46:49
Most people are going to give a pass, right?
46:51
But, I think even if you're going to give a pass to a certain extent, it needs to be discussed.
46:57
It needs to be understood.
47:00
And to your point, I love that you said cuz I I literally just did a video on my men's channel about how to communicate with a woman more effectively.
47:05
And one of the things I expressed was how, "Listen, in that situation where she says, 'I don't like the way your friend speaks to me.'
47:12
You can still say, 'I understand that's how you feel.
47:15
I don't see it that way, but let me try to understand why you feel that way.' You see what I'm saying?
47:22
So, I'm going to meet you where you are.
47:23
I'm going to acknowledge your feelings.
47:24
I'm still going to express my view is different than yours, but let's see if we can come to an understanding of this."
47:30
That in itself would eliminate so many arguments. Totally. Totally, yeah.
47:35
So much conflict just by doing that.
47:38
So, I do think that men and women, everyone needs to understand we need to strive for that at the very least.
47:44
Most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise.
47:47
We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.
47:52
The blessing could simply be that the relationship has needed certain things addressed and you guys will be able to come back together and make it better than ever.
47:59
Some of you needed to be cheated on because if you weren't, you would have never left that relationship.
48:04
But you always knew it was an unhealthy relationship.
48:07
It was toxic way before the cheating occurred, but you were in denial of that and were trying to hold on to something that wasn't best for you.
48:16
I'm a believer in I don't give myself any more than 3 days, all right?
48:19
3 days to grieve whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt.
48:23
After 3 days, get back on my feet, get to work, and go through my healing process.
48:27
I think this is an important question because I think a lot of people have a type, going back to your desirables that they're looking for.
48:35
Is that helping or hurting them when they're dating?
48:38
So, there's nothing wrong with a type to a certain extent as long as you're not so married to that type to where there's no flexibility outside of that, all right?
48:46
But I do think that at the end of the day and this may sound bad to some people, but this is just the reality of it.
48:53
The more desirable you are, the more it it it becomes even necessary for you to have a type.
48:59
So, the analogy I like to give is let's just say someone's applying at a job at Walmart, and that's no shade to Walmart or anyone who works at a Walmart, right?
49:08
But the reality is that to be a cashier at Walmart comes with less requirements, right?
49:13
And not many people are all lining up to go work at Walmart.
49:16
So, Walmart might get five applicants, right?
49:19
They can sit down with each applicant.
49:21
They can be more flexible and see who fits the job.
49:24
If Google is hiring for a six-figure or seven-figure position, they're going to have thousands of applicants, right?
49:31
There's going to be a greater level of requirement.
49:35
There has to be at this position.
49:36
And now, they can't sit down with every person.
49:39
They're going to have to weed them out.
49:41
And once upon a time, how did they do that?
49:43
They would eliminate you by the color of your resume, the font on your res- Forget your qualifications, okay?
49:48
Just the mere presentation because they had to.
49:51
They had to weed it down to a certain segment and then from there choose who's going to be best.
49:58
So, in dating and relationships there's nothing wrong with honing in on your audience that you want to pull from.
50:06
However, I think that No, I think I know that connection can transcend our type, okay?
50:11
And I believe the key is always being open to connection in whatever package it comes.
50:19
Now, I want people to understand when I say whatever package, it doesn't mean you won't be attracted to them, all right?
50:23
It doesn't mean you're going to be disgusted by them any kind of way.
50:24
It just means that plenty of people, if not everyone, even when having a type have found someone outside that box that they found attractive, all right?
50:34
That they may even feel drawn to.
50:36
You have to be open and flexible in that way, all right?
50:40
And I think for me, it's less about having such a strict type, but more so fundamental principles.
50:45
Like, I think attraction is important, all Agree.
50:50
Communication is important.
50:52
There's a level of if you're into energy or you can pick up on people's energy, that's going to be important.
50:55
And to me, those are foundational things.
50:57
It's less about what they got to be this tall or they have to have this type of job, but there are some core traits that there's nothing wrong with that.
51:06
So, I do think for those that the type is working against, it's because they might be too strict, there's no flexibility, and they're also not understanding are you the type that the type wants? Mhm. Okay?
51:19
So, you can want your type all you want, that's fine, right? Nothing wrong with that.
51:23
But, are you really tapping into the type of partner they would want?
51:28
And if And it's not even are you willing and both can you sustain that? All right?
51:34
Because there's a lot of people trying to present a certain kind of way to get this type of individual and they may get them, but they can't keep it up. I'mma give one example.
51:45
And again, it's never shade to any gender when I use them as an example, but let's say there's a man who wants this ridiculously beautiful woman, right? Yeah.
51:52
Who is accustomed to the high life. Yeah. All right?
51:55
And having all kinds of men shower her with gifts and money.
51:59
And he knows, one, he don't have money like that.
52:01
And two, he does not have the desire to keep up that lifestyle.
52:03
But he's so infatuated with this woman, he goes and he pulls out all the stops.
52:10
Fancy dinners, gifts, all these things. And he gets her.
52:14
But then after a few months, the real him comes out.
52:16
And now he doesn't want to go to the nice restaurant, Ron.
52:18
He doesn't want to take the nice trip.
52:20
He thinks that bag is way too expensive.
52:25
And now she's pissed off because it's like, "Wait a minute, you sold me on this."
52:29
And to him it's, "Oh, well, you're ungrateful."
52:30
Or you're No, you tricked her. Yeah.
52:32
You tricked her and you tricked yourself because you were so fixated on this type and this person, but you never questioned, can you really be that? Are you really that?
52:41
And can you keep that going for the rest of your life?
52:45
And if you can't, all right, go to a different a different type of different type of, you know, person, whatever, that fits who you are.
52:51
And it goes back to really understanding who you are, accepting it, and embracing the type of people who fit that individual. For sure.
53:01
And that And that's such a great example cuz it's a simple one, but it actually applies to all the deeper things, too.
53:06
Anything you're infatuated by in another person and you pretend to be that.
53:10
Whether it's you're interested in a specific sport, you're interested in hanging those places, you're interested in their business.
53:18
You Like you said, you're tricking yourself.
53:19
And And so many people are doing that.
53:21
And a lot of these are tricks.
53:22
And you even called out some of them.
53:24
I think there's so much bad advice right now.
53:25
There's so many of these kind of myths that are just floating about.
53:29
And one of the big ones is I want to get your take on this.
53:32
Should the person you're dating or seeing feel jealous when you get attention? Is that a sign of love?
53:39
My My instinct to is say no. 100% no. Yeah, I'm with you.
53:44
Um I I think to be honest with you, there's a level of insecurity there. All right. Now, don't get me wrong.
53:50
I do think when we love someone there may be at least some part of us, right?
53:56
That's going to have a eye open to all this attention you're getting. I think that's natural.
54:02
But to be bothered by it, usually speaks to you not having a sureness in yourself. All right? And in the relationship.
54:09
And in the relation Exactly.
54:11
That and that's such a key.
54:11
So, I want to give a quick story cuz I think this is Please. lines up perfectly.
54:14
I once had a man, he came to me, he was having a problem in his marriage.
54:18
And his issue was his wife had this male best friend who she was showing all this attention to, okay?
54:25
And he was like they would be arguing about this friend and he she just doesn't want to let go of this friend and all these things.
54:32
And I said, "Well, listen.
54:34
Trying to argue against her friend when she's saying it's not it's platonic, there's nothing there, you have nothing to worry about is a very difficult battle.
54:43
Let me ask you, what's the quality of the relationship?
54:45
And he's like, "Oh, it's not that great. We got some issues." I said, "Okay.
54:48
Before we worry about this friend let's focus on solidifying the relationship. Yeah. All right? Let's make that strong. Let's make that good.
54:56
And then see what happens."
54:58
He hit me up, I want to say like three, four months later.
55:00
He said, "Man, your advice worked perfectly." love that.
55:04
By him shifting his focus to the relationship quality and fixing everything in there the issue with the friend completely disappeared.
55:12
She naturally was not showing the friend any more attention like she was anymore.
55:16
Uh just everything fell into place.
55:18
So, going back to your your point about jealousy yes, I feel people aren't being honest with themselves that they do not feel secure in their relationship for various reasons.
55:29
And this attention that your partner is getting is a threat to you.
55:35
It is a threat that well, what if they like it so much they take someone up on their offer. All right?
55:38
But if you really felt good about yourself in this relationship, you're just not going to worry about it.
55:44
And I think also it goes to a level of I'm going to use the word evolving in life and understanding that you cannot control everything.
55:50
So to me, I just feel like and and I have a feeling you're probably the same exact way.
55:57
I'm not going to be worried about this attention again and because at the end of the day, if you're going to do something wrong, you're going to do it wrong.
56:01
Me trying to police you it's a waste of my energy. It is too stressful. I don't want that life. All right? Do your thing.
56:08
Now if you do something you're not supposed to do, you will pay a consequence. I will let you go.
56:11
But I'm not going to sit here and check on this and watch this or you can't go here.
56:17
Man, do what makes you happy, enjoy yourself, and I want you to to live in your truth.
56:22
I don't want to suppress you in any kind of way.
56:24
And I'm going to bring this up. Yeah, go on.
56:28
And I'm just going to say this is a theory.
56:30
I'm not saying I'm accurate, but it's something for everyone to think about.
56:35
So th- talking about attention, I I do think that in most cases the ish the the dynamic is usually the woman getting a ton of attention and the man not knowing how to handle that.
56:44
And there are a lot of men on the internet who like they go in on these women who oh well you you're always wanting this attention, you're posting here.
56:52
There was even celebrities once that talked about something like that and they went in on her.
56:55
Anyways, I have this theory or I have this question.
56:59
I was like, "What if attention for women is like sexual desire for men?" Mhm.
57:04
And what I mean by that is you'll hear men make the argument of well I can have sex with these different women and it's nothing.
57:11
I it doesn't mean anything to me, but they just enjoy the sex.
57:14
They would never leave the woman they love, all these things.
57:16
And I'm not advocating for any cheating or anything.
57:19
I'm just explaining this dynamic. Yes.
57:22
Well, that's how a lot of women view attention.
57:24
She may enjoy attention, but she has no plan on entertaining any of those men.
57:29
She will go back to her man, but she still likes to get a compliment.
57:33
She likes to go out and hear people say, "Oh, you look good today.
57:35
Oh my gosh, that dress is nice."
57:36
But it's not because like she's this bad person.
57:38
It just might be an inner desire.
57:44
And and again, there's going to be different scales of that desire.
57:48
There's going to be some women who don't want attention at all.
57:51
They don't like it, right?
57:53
But there's going to be others who love it.
57:55
And I I think sometimes we demonize these things and it goes back to understanding and respecting the differences between the genders and between individuals, okay?
58:04
And you I think for a man if or for a woman, if you're dealing with that person, what's important is to understand why they enjoy the attention.
58:14
Where does that come from?
58:16
Does it come from an inadequacy?
58:18
Does it come from you not giving them attention?
58:21
Are they starving at home?
58:23
So now they have to go outside to get it, right?
58:25
Or is it someone who just they they feed off of that stuff.
58:30
They love it, but again, it doesn't make them a bad person.
58:32
But to go back to your question, um I don't think you have to be jealous of someone to love them.
58:37
I can love you to death and not get jealous, you know?
58:42
Because again, I'm not worried about it.
58:43
But I do think when we do get a little bit jealous, that's also like it's just normal. It's normal, you know?
58:49
it's Yeah, I feel like the discomfort is natural.
58:51
When it gets to jealousy and you're kind of ruining the relationship you have and now checking up and policing as you said, that starts to become unhealthy.
58:59
And then ultimately, if it's leading to an internal insecurity between you and yourself, I mean, it can spiral out of control.
59:04
And I think sometimes we almost want the other person to feel jealous.
59:09
That's what I was trying to get at. It's like Okay.
59:11
this feeling of like, "Oh, well, they don't get jealous when I get attention."
59:15
It's like, "Well, it goes back to what you're saying."
59:16
We're just trying to play games. Yeah.
59:18
Like if it's coming from that place, of course.
59:19
Am I uncomfortable when it happens? Of course, I am.
59:21
If you love someone, you like someone, of course.
59:23
But I don't want to make my partner have to feel jealous when I'm feeling that way.
59:29
Like that to try and keep them in entertained and try and keep them interested.
59:34
goes back to the point if you are looking to make them jealous, is it because you're not getting what you need in this relationship in general? Probably, yeah. You see what I'm saying?
59:43
Like something is probably missing or not cuz a lot of people will do things to just get a reaction out of their partner. For sure.
59:49
It's because they want to see that you care.
59:51
And if I have to see that you care, that means you're not showing me in other ways or at least I'm not feeling it in other ways that you care.
59:59
There's a disconnect there.
59:59
So, rather than jumping to the whole make them jealous because that's a dangerous game to play because what people don't realize is yes, you may have succeeded in making them jealous, but you may have also planted a seed of insecurity. Yeah.
1:00:13
And now they have to worry.
1:00:13
Do you really want someone else's attention and time?
1:00:18
Are you entertaining someone else?
1:00:21
And so now you got this initial great feeling of their jealousy, but what's the backlash that comes from it later on? You see what I'm saying? What have you created?
1:00:31
So, to me you got to go to the it's always about getting to the real root of the issue.
1:00:36
Why are we behaving in this way?
1:00:38
Why are we trying to make this happen?
1:00:40
Now, I think there's some couples where they just playfully do these things.
1:00:43
It's not that serious to them, right?
1:00:45
And that's fine, but you just want to make sure this is not coming from an unhealthy place because you're going to create a more unhealthy situation.
1:00:52
One thing I love about your advice is that you're constantly encouraging people to have deeper communication.
1:01:00
You keep saying, "Hey, but you got to understand why you feel that way and where that comes from and how that person processes it and you in all of your work, your amazing books, your YouTube channel, you always talk about communication.
1:01:13
How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate?
1:01:19
Because there are so many people I know that if their partner asked them this kind of question, the partner would be like, "I don't really think about that stuff."
1:01:27
Or "I don't really know." Or just go quiet.
1:01:31
I've heard this from so many people.
1:01:31
I'm sure you see it all the time.
1:01:33
How do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate?
1:01:37
Well, my my initial response is going to be you don't communicate with them at all. You let them go.
1:01:42
But Let's say you've already gone too deep.
1:01:45
Yeah, we and we know it's not always that simple. Yeah.
1:01:46
So, and this is part of the problem of not understanding ourselves coming into it.
1:01:51
Because the reality is that levels of communication or what each person needs is going to differ, right?
1:01:57
Some people need a lot of communication, some not much.
1:02:00
And so, when you're dealing with someone who cannot communicate, I do think you have to ask yourself one, if this is not going to change, are you going to be okay?
1:02:11
And also, what which which types of discussions are we unable to have?
1:02:16
So, for example, if a woman or a man wants to be able to have like political discussions with their partner, right?
1:02:23
And their partner doesn't want to engage in that type of stuff.
1:02:26
To me, that's not worth leaving them for.
1:02:28
Now, of course, everyone's different.
1:02:30
And if it's going to bother you to the point where it's going to affect your ability to show up in this relationship the way that you need to, then you still should walk away regardless of what it means to me or how I view it or anyone else views it.
1:02:42
However, I do think one of the things we're missing in many relationships is understanding how we can supplement certain things, right?
1:02:51
So, you know how they say it takes a a village to raise a child?
1:02:52
I think it takes a village to have successful marriages and relationships.
1:02:56
Because, okay, maybe and I'm again, I'm just going to use the women as an example.
1:03:02
Let's say you had something stressful happen to you today, you want to call your husband, right?
1:03:06
But he's busy right now, and he's busy a lot.
1:03:08
And that can be very frustrating.
1:03:10
Okay, well, maybe you can supplement it by talking to your mom first or your female friend.
1:03:14
That way you can get all your frustration out, you can vent, he can do his thing, and then when he has more time later, you can do a quick recap.
1:03:22
And now that works for everybody. You see what I'm saying?
1:03:25
But the problem is for some people when your partner is your whole world and you don't have any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and conflict.
1:03:35
So, I do think that's one when we consider the whole communication issue.
1:03:39
But if if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, that is it's it's hard for me to give any kind of work around that.
1:03:51
Cuz if we can't discuss it, how can we fix it? You see?
1:03:55
And so, of course, I'm all for, you know, trying to understand what this person's uh hesitancy is, why they struggle in this way, um is because a lot of times it's not as simple as well, they just don't communicate. Totally.
1:04:10
There's something going on.
1:04:12
Maybe they feel like you're going to not going to listen to what they have to say, they're used to being dismissed.
1:04:17
Like I I have to throw out there I love women, but women swear they're great communicators, and a lot of times they're not, okay?
1:04:26
And they don't realize how in that moment because they're so women are so in tune with how they feel, and they're so immersed in it that it's easy for them to become blind to how it's impacting someone else or how someone else is feeling in that same exact moment.
1:04:42
See, when she's calm and cool, she probably can pick up on things easy, right?
1:04:46
But when she's passionate, when she's feeling strongly about something, whatever, she's frustrated, that blocks a lot.
1:04:54
And so, a lot of women don't realize in their discussions with their partners how negative they were, how dismissive they were, all these things, and the dude shuts down. Yeah.
1:05:02
And so, going forward, he doesn't want to talk about anything cuz to him it's pointless.
1:05:07
This isn't going to go anywhere.
1:05:09
It's going to be you saying how you feel, you're not going to listen to what I how I feel, what's the point?
1:05:14
It reminds me of how a lot of men don't want to go to counseling because they view counseling as a one-sided affair.
1:05:20
The woman's going to say all bad things that he does, and when he tries to express himself, it's going to be used against him.
1:05:25
So, he's like, what's the point?
1:05:27
So, as a woman or a man, cuz it can happen to both sides, you have to start with, am I creating an environment for healthy communication? Period. All right?
1:05:39
Because if you're not, any attempts to pull out of them more communication is not going to work. All right?
1:05:45
So, start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your tone, how are you approaching things.
1:05:49
I also think for people who are struggling to to communicate, consider doing it via letters, right?
1:05:56
Some people struggle to talk.
1:06:00
But maybe if they can just write it down on their own time, it's going to be so much easier for them.
1:06:04
And then we can discuss the letters verbally, right?
1:06:06
But start with the writing.
1:06:10
And I think the writing is good even for those who can communicate verbally because it's so easy for us to get distracted, for people to deflect, for things to get just go off track in a verbal conversation.
1:06:22
But in a letter, where you get to sit down and make sure everything comes out, you're checking your tone, like it's just a more full experience.
1:06:32
And then for the person, when when we listen, we tend to listen to rebuttal.
1:06:38
When we read, we read to process. Okay?
1:06:41
So, it's a very different approach that we take mentally.
1:06:44
So, now it's easier for your partner to understand and take in what you got to say when they can read it, and they can read it over and over, and they can fixate on one part, okay, this might be what you mean, and now we can discuss it and dive deeper.
1:06:57
I think that would unlock a lot of people's communication issues right there. answer.
1:07:04
And also, when you're forced to write, you don't say that much stuff that you don't mean. Yeah. Right?
1:07:08
When you have to write something down consciously, chances are you're going to word it Exactly.
1:07:14
You're not in the heat of the moment.
1:07:16
Yeah, because you're trying to explain it and you don't just write it down in the same way.
1:07:18
And as I was hearing you speak, I was just thinking there's something I really want women to know that you might be the first person in that man's life that's actually asked him Yeah. what's going on. That's true.
1:07:33
And so you may have to invite him to that conversation more than one time.
1:07:37
You may have to make space for his emotions and feelings more than one time.
1:07:42
And if every time you ask him, it's more of a demand and a stress and a force and a push, then actually it's just going to make him quieter and quieter and quieter.
1:07:52
But if every time it's an understanding and it's space and it's open, then there may be a chance because I feel like you know, for most men they were never asked about their emotions or feelings.
1:08:04
There wasn't a space that they naturally just opened up.
1:08:07
And hey, if someone's not open up for 25, 30, 35 years it's going to be hard for them to just come out with it because you asked a great question. Exactly.
1:08:18
And so it's not that you're wrong or it reflects badly on your relationship.
1:08:20
I just think a lot of men just haven't been given the opportunity to be that. Absolutely.
1:08:26
And and and the reality is for some men certain things we just are not emotionally invested in or attached to in the way that she might be.
1:08:36
And so her to her it's like, "Well, you should feel something about this."
1:08:37
And like, "No, I really don't."
1:08:38
And like, "It is I don't see this any kind of way.
1:08:41
I just want to go on with my day."
1:08:42
And he may genuinely mean that.
1:08:44
And so again, it goes back to respecting the differences between the genders.
1:08:49
We do not process the same.
1:08:52
We do not feel the same a lot of times, right?
1:08:54
So that's going to lead to different levels of expression because there's not as much to to in certain situations.
1:09:00
And it's just like again, you got to make sure you can be okay with that.
1:09:06
It's not even a right or wrong thing in many cases.
1:09:07
It's just a okay, does that work for you or no?
1:09:09
And if it doesn't, it's going to cause a problem, all right, then maybe we are in the wrong relationship. Yeah.
1:09:17
But if otherwise, all right, then we can still work past this. Yeah, for sure.
1:09:20
I I'm really glad we went there cuz I think that's blocking so many people in that space.
1:09:26
I feel like one of the big things that we talked about last time and I wanted to talk about it a bit differently this time is breakups.
1:09:33
Because I feel like there's still this feeling that people have and they can't not, where if someone breaks up with you, it breaks your world.
1:09:45
You take it completely personally and it makes you lose faith in love.
1:09:47
So, someone not only broke up with you, they broke your faith in love and now you don't believe love exists.
1:09:56
What are the natural feelings and emotions we all have to go through in a breakup that you can't avoid?
1:10:03
Well, one thing I want to point out before I get to that is this.
1:10:05
I think we have to start with understanding love is not relationship.
1:10:12
We're conflating those two things and it's creating all kinds of issues and confusion, all right?
1:10:16
Like you'll hear people say, "Well, everyone deserves to be loved."
1:10:19
Okay, they can be loved by their mother, by their friends, by society, whoever.
1:10:23
That doesn't mean you qualify for a relationship.
1:10:25
And someone can love you or you can love someone, but if certain things aren't in place to have a successful relationship, it still won't work.
1:10:37
So, we have to understand that a breakup doesn't automatically mean someone doesn't love you, nor does someone want to be in a relationship with you mean that they love you.
1:10:44
Cuz a man a man or woman who wants to use you could want to be in a relationship with you, could want to marry you, has nothing to do with love.
1:10:50
It's two separate things, all right?
1:10:51
Now, with that understood, what we have to understand when we're going through a breakup is one, all is not lost.
1:11:01
Like, we got to start there cuz it's so it's so easy to feel like our whole world is now crumbling before our eyes. We're devastated.
1:11:09
How we going to get past this?
1:11:11
And it's like, listen, all is not lost.
1:11:15
There's been billions of people who have gone through a breakup and who have survived, but who all felt like in that moment they don't know how they're going to continue, okay?
1:11:23
We have to remember this is just a moment.
1:11:26
Life is about moments, all right?
1:11:28
If you let the moment get the best of you, it can throw everything off.
1:11:32
But, when you can conquer that moment, you're on the right track and you can keep moving forward in a good direction.
1:11:37
So, keep that in perspective, but of course that's hard to do when you're still going through the breakup.
1:11:45
I also think, going back to the point that I made, is stop questioning if they love you, okay?
1:11:50
Cuz that I think is what weighs on some people the most.
1:11:54
It's like, I gave them all this time and age all these years and they didn't even love me.
1:12:00
It's like, no, no, no, no.
1:12:00
They could have still loved you, but there's another issue that exist here.
1:12:04
And what people This goes back to unfortunately, I understand because I'm a coach and I've spoken to thousands of people and I've seen millions of situations, how much different issues play into why people do what they do, okay?
1:12:22
But, everyone is so used to the very surface level perspective of Well, okay, if if for example, if this person breaks up and they jump into a new relationship, well, clearly they never loved you. That's not true.
1:12:33
Some people do that because they loved you so much and they can't deal with the pain and they figure I need someone to distract me from this.
1:12:41
So, they don't love the new person, okay?
1:12:43
Now, granted, could it be the other way around that they never loved you? That is possible. That is possible.
1:12:49
But, it It always what you think it is, all right?
1:12:50
So, trying to dwell on and question if they love me, it's it's not healthy because one, we cannot prove or disprove it. Okay? They can claim it.
1:13:02
We we just have to accept whatever is being presented to us.
1:13:03
Cuz at the end of the day, what evidence can you bring forth that says guaranteed this was love or not love?
1:13:10
But two, you just don't you can't rely on what you're seeing and experiencing to answer that question.
1:13:17
And the question is less about do they love you?
1:13:20
And the better question to ask yourself is are we best for each other right now?
1:13:26
Because even if there's love, if we're not best for each other right now, this is probably a blessing in disguise. All right?
1:13:33
And most most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise.
1:13:36
We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.
1:13:40
The blessing could simply be, for some people, not all, that the relationship just needed certain things addressed, and you guys will be able to come back together and make it better than ever.
1:13:49
The blessing might be this was never the person for you.
1:13:51
And had they not broken up with you, you'd have never walked away from them.
1:13:55
Like I've said to people, and this may sound bad, but this is just real.
1:13:58
I've said at my shows before, some of you needed to be cheated on.
1:14:04
Because if you weren't, you would have never left that relationship.
1:14:05
But you always knew it was an unhealthy relationship.
1:14:09
It was toxic way before the cheating occurred.
1:14:11
But you were in denial of that and were trying to hold on to something that wasn't best for you.
1:14:17
And you needed something strong enough to break you free from that situation.
1:14:23
So, it's a blessing as much as it hurt in that moment.
1:14:28
The other thing we have to you mentioned it, and I think it's very important for you to understand, is stop internalizing the whole thing. All right?
1:14:35
Because again, even in situations where people break up with us and they hurt us, and let's say we can't point to anything wrong, right? That was done.
1:14:46
We don't know what they're battling.
1:14:48
Like we It's the whole hurt people hurt people, okay?
1:14:53
It's not really about us.
1:14:53
There's something within them.
1:14:55
So, I I recently had a situation where a woman's devastated because a man broke up with her because the fact his family would not accept her.
1:15:02
They did something that they weren't supposed to do early on in the process that goes against the family's beliefs.
1:15:07
And even though she's This man loves her. He wanted to marry her.
1:15:12
But the family was like they'll disown him if she if he goes forward with it.
1:15:16
So, in something like that, again, she has all these questions running through her head.
1:15:20
She's internalizing and it's like, "No, but this there's something at play here that even he can Well, I'm not going to say he can't control cuz he can choose to not let his family Yeah, exactly.
1:15:30
But that's not as easy as, "Oh, if you love someone, you'll do."
1:15:33
No, it's not that simple, unfortunately, right?
1:15:37
So, there's just so much more at play.
1:15:39
So, going back to the question of the emotions we go through during the breakup, the main thing is I believe we do have to give ourselves a a moment to grieve. It's normal. It's okay.
1:15:49
And in grieving, it's about releasing, all right?
1:15:51
So, if you need to cry, cry, right?
1:15:53
If you're angry, let yourself be angry.
1:15:55
Flush out, detox all those emotions.
1:15:59
But then, we have to pick a deadline.
1:16:02
Like I'm a believer in I don't give myself any more than three days, all right?
1:16:06
Three days to grieve, whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt, after three days, get back on my feet, get to work, and go through my healing process, all right?
1:16:17
For some people, it might be seven days.
1:16:18
For somebody else, might be two.
1:16:19
Whatever the case may be, you have to give yourself a structure of, "All right, I'm not going to dwell in this.
1:16:26
I'm going to start working past this in a healthy way."
1:16:28
Because again, too many people focus on the whole get under someone to get over someone, which is completely unhealthy and bad, okay?
1:16:35
And and all these other methods of trying to move forward that are only keeping them stuck emotionally, but they're moving forward on the surface. All right?
1:16:50
So, there's a lot of people who've moved on to other relationships, even marriages, but never overcame it emotionally.
1:16:57
And they do not realize how that is still playing a part, not only in who you choose to be with, but in how you show up in that relationship. For sure, man. For sure.
1:17:06
Yeah, it's such a When I'm listening to you speak, I'm just thinking like there are so many people carrying someone else's baggage into a new relationship. Mhm.
1:17:22
And not allowing the new person to be the person they are.
1:17:25
And you realize it's your old baggage that's blocking this one. Yeah.
1:17:31
And their old baggage that's blocking this one.
1:17:32
And then you may lose that one.
1:17:34
In that, do you believe that there's right person, wrong time? Absolutely.
1:17:38
I'm a 100% believer in that.
1:17:41
I know a lot of people argue against it, but I have so many stories of people who, let's say, met in college, right?
1:17:49
And something went wrong, and then 10, 15 years later reunite, and maybe even in between that time married someone else or other relationships or whatever, and now they're back together and it's the best relationship ever.
1:18:02
Again, it goes back to people understanding love is one thing, relationship is another.
1:18:09
So, you can experience connection.
1:18:09
You can experience real love, but if that person still has things they need to heal from, it is very likely going to derail the situation. All right?
1:18:16
If they are not ready, maybe they haven't gotten themselves together in certain ways that they can feel more secure about themselves, that's going to derail the situation. People need to evolve.
1:18:25
It's not as simple as, "Oh, we love each other.
1:18:29
Everything's supposed to work perfectly." That's not life. That's not real life.
1:18:33
I would love for it to be that way. It's just not.
1:18:35
And so, a lot of people don't accept the fact that And And I'm a very spiritual person.
1:18:41
So, I believe in praying about everything.
1:18:43
And I believe one of the mistakes people make is that for those who are believers, they don't pray and talk to God about if they should move forward or if they should be with this person.
1:18:51
And they don't realize that sometimes we could be presented with something so that we can see that it's there, but doesn't mean it's time for us to have it yet.
1:19:01
It's almost like sometimes you could be presented with an opportunity business-wise.
1:19:05
And you may feel like, "Yeah, I'm ready for it. Let's Let's do it. Boom boom boom."
1:19:08
But you're not really prepared.
1:19:10
Now, if you if you went from a spiritual place and understood and let God your spirit guide you, it would tell you, "No, slow down. Don't do it just yet."
1:19:20
But think about it like the person who they they win the lottery.
1:19:24
They win millions of dollars.
1:19:26
They've been hoping for this all their life.
1:19:28
And they blow through that million in a few months or their whole life is ruined. Why?
1:19:32
It was not time for them to have that kind of money.
1:19:35
They did not learn the lessons they need to learn.
1:19:39
They were not prepared for that level of financial freedom or whatever access.
1:19:45
And the same thing happens in relationships.
1:19:46
People aren't ready for that level of vulnerability.
1:19:48
They're not ready for that level of responsibility.
1:19:52
You know, perfect example is like if a woman finds her first love in high school or man or woman.
1:19:56
But I'll say this happens a lot to women where she's head over heels over this guy.
1:20:03
But this is a young man who has not developed at all emotionally.
1:20:05
Chances are he's going to mess up and this situation is going to fall apart.
1:20:11
And those who have survived, not all but many who have survived finding love that young, they either one just dealt with all the bumps and stayed together or they had that village around them to help them get through these situations, to teach them. He had guidance.
1:20:29
She had guidance that allowed them to have love and make it work at such a young age.
1:20:37
So, when you hear about back in the days people marrying younger, yeah, they had community.
1:20:41
That made a huge difference.
1:20:41
But now you have people essentially on an island being young trying to make a relationship work and it's like, yo, like we're asking too much.
1:20:49
Some people get lucky, but the majority won't survive that.
1:20:54
And and I'm using a high school example, but that can happen it can happen as grown adults. Yeah.
1:20:59
People could be 30, 40, 50 years old older.
1:21:03
And certain things have stunted their emotional growth and they're still not truly ready for that level of commitment.
1:21:10
So, yeah, but again, that doesn't mean they're the wrong person. Okay?
1:21:16
Because the person is about the character.
1:21:18
It's about the traits that fit together, right?
1:21:21
That can be in harmony with each other.
1:21:23
But they still have to develop certain aspects that will allow a relationship to thrive.
1:21:30
Which is why some people, I feel the need to say it is kind of hit my spirit.
1:21:35
You'll have your situations where they can be great friends, but they can't be in a relationship, right?
1:21:38
And for some of those people, it's a matter of when they tried to be in a relationship, they were not emotionally ready for that. Yeah.
1:21:48
And there was conflict in how we handled that.
1:21:50
But who they are as people, it's like this, right?
1:21:53
So, that's why the friendship continues and now I'm I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I'm going to say it, for at least some of these people, that's their true love. For sure.
1:22:05
But because everything went wrong the first go round, they're too afraid to leave the friendship box.
1:22:11
So, now it's like, nah, let's just be friends.
1:22:13
That's where we operate best, right?
1:22:16
But in reality, no, you guys just need to evolve emotionally and heal and you would actually be able to come back together for some people, not all cuz I don't want every friend of yours right now thinking that's their situation. it.
1:22:31
It's only 50% and always wanted that, too. So, yeah.
1:22:33
You know, but it happens a lot. I love that.
1:22:36
Stefan, I've got one last question for you and it applies to both, so it'll be two two answers. Okay.
1:22:43
If there's a man and a woman listening right now and both of them are feeling insecure about dating, unconfident about relationships they've had a bit of rough luck.
1:22:54
They're trying to do the work on themselves, be aware, accept who they are.
1:23:02
They're doing the healing.
1:23:04
But they're in a tough place.
1:23:04
What would you say to them?
1:23:07
Just keep pushing forward.
1:23:08
Like, don't don't get discouraged, you know? Everything is a process.
1:23:13
It's like even trying to become successful.
1:23:18
The majority, if not every successful person that I know, has a story of having to go through the grind and having moments where we want to quit. We want to give up.
1:23:26
We're like, this is not working anymore. I can't keep doing this.
1:23:30
But we we trusted, whether it be our spirit, our passion, whatever, kept pushing and eventually the breakthrough happens and then boom, we're we're never we're successful the rest of our lives.
1:23:41
As long as we keep working, we're successful.
1:23:42
And so, with dating and relationships, I believe it's the same thing.
1:23:46
People want love to be this very pop it in the microwave and everything's ready and it's like, no.
1:23:50
It's a process and you may have to meet several people.
1:23:55
And I say meet, I'm not saying you have to get romantically involved with everybody, but you're going to come across some situations. You're going to learn. You're going to grow.
1:24:01
And even when you're doing all the right things don't think it's not working.
1:24:06
It reminds me of working out.
1:24:10
You can work out for months do all the right things.
1:24:13
Look yourself in the mirror and be like, there's no progress. Why?
1:24:16
Because all you're looking at is your stomach. Yeah.
1:24:18
And you're like, well, my stomach hasn't gone down the way I want.
1:24:21
But what you're failing to look at is your arms are more cut, you got more muscles in your legs, your stamina's up.
1:24:27
What you're doing is working.
1:24:29
You're just looking at the one final result to validate the work. Oh, so good.
1:24:34
So, understand that in this process, you are growing. It is working. Things are developing.
1:24:40
But, yes, the relationship result may take a little bit longer.
1:24:45
And it's kind of going back to that fitness example, what they tell you is when you're losing fat, sometimes it'll go it'll lose everywhere, and then the stomach will be the last place.
1:24:53
And then when it finally hits the stomach, it comes off like crazy. So, it's the same thing.
1:24:59
You might be seeing all these other things improve first.
1:25:01
And it And you're not seeing the relationship, you're not seeing the relationship.
1:25:03
But, then when it finally hits, it's great. It's amazing.
1:25:07
So, just keep pushing forward, keep doing what you need to do, continue to be open to whatever you need to improve upon.
1:25:15
Never get in a mindset of, "Well, I'm great and the world is just just ridiculous.
1:25:19
It's like, "No, no, no, no."
1:25:21
What can I continue to do better? What What can I tweak?
1:25:24
What adjustments can I make?
1:25:26
Because sometimes it is a matter of a small adjustment that will make a huge difference.
1:25:32
And I think as long as you keep an open mind, and you don't view not having the result right now as a defeat, right?
1:25:39
You understand this is a process, you will get to your destination at some point. Well said.
1:25:43
As Stefan speaks, thank you always, Stefan.
1:25:48
I appreciate these conversations with you.
1:25:50
You always have like this ability to just pull things apart, to really look at them for what they are.
1:25:56
I really appreciate you, man.
1:25:57
The way you think about things is so refreshing and all-encompassing.
1:26:02
And I hope everyone's been listening or watching.
1:26:03
I hope you have better fortune from a deeper place because of the advice that Stefan shared today.
1:26:09
And please make sure you subscribe to Stefan's YouTube channel, check out his books if you're someone who loves reading and listening audiobooks, too. Yeah, absolutely.
1:26:19
And Stefan, is there anywhere else you'd like people to find you right now?
1:26:22
Anything you've got going on that you'd like go to my site, me out.
1:26:27
Uh hopefully I can connect with more and more people and just help as many people as possible find love and and find just a better overall life.
1:26:37
It's not just about relationship, or at least it starts relationship with self. Yeah.
1:26:41
You know, and getting that right and everything else falling in place.
1:26:44
Well, for me, self and God. Absolutely.
1:26:46
Well, excited to have you back. Thank you, man. have an open invite. Ah, pleasure. Thank you, my friend. Thank you. Thank you.
1:26:51
If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
1:27:00
People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self.
1:27:06
Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.