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I have been in fight or flight mode for most of my life.
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What that has done to my brain and my body, my mental well-being is, if I continue at this rate, catastrophic.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
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week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, I find it really an amazing fortune that I get to sit down with incredible people who are so open, vulnerable, let us in to details about their lives so that we can feel a sense of connection to them,
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but also understand that we're not alone in some of the pains that we go through, some of the challenges that we have, and also that we can learn from some of the changes they've made, from some of the transitions and transformations they've been through as well. And today's guest
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And today's guest has a truly inspiring story that I cannot wait to share with you.
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I'm talking to none other than Lili Reinhart.
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Lili has quickly amassed an impressive resume as one of Hollywood's most exciting young actors on screen and is quickly becoming a multifaceted talent with projects as an executive producer and author.
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Lili will next be seen starring in the incredible next Netflix film, which I want you to go and check out, Look Both Ways, which she is also an executive producer of.
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Lili will star as Natalie, whose life on the eve of her college graduation diverges into two parallel realities.
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I find that fascinating, can't wait.
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One in which she becomes pregnant and must navigate motherhood as a young adult in her Texas hometown, the other in which she moves to LA to pursue her career.
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I can relate to the latter.
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Lili recently starred and executive produced the coming-of-age drama Chemical Hearts, based on the best-selling novel Our Chemical Hearts.
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And Lili starred opposite our dear friend Jennifer Lopez in the film Hustlers, which went on to make over 150 million at the box office.
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And of course, Lili plays our favorite Betty Cooper in the TV series Riverdale.
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And for her performance, Lili won 17 Choice Awards and has been nominated for three People's Choice Awards.
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On top of all of this, I don't know how she has the time, and we will ask her that.
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As an author, Lili wrote Swimming Lessons, which is a collection of poems.
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I'm a huge fan of poetry, so can't wait to dive into that.
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Beyond all of this, the part that I'm really excited about is Lili is an activist for mental health and body image and uses her platform to raise awareness to these deeply important issues.
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Please welcome to the show.
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Lili, thank you for doing this. Thank you. You have to live it.
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Well, hearing it all in front of you is is a little bit like, "Oh, right.
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I forgot about those things."
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Um but thank you so much for having me.
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It's truly such an honor. I've I'm a fan. My friends are fans.
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They're stoked for me to be here. So. hearing that. That means the world.
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Thank you for sharing that.
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I'm deeply looking forward to this conversation.
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I do like to remind people of the incredible awards and accolades and the incredible success that you've achieved because you've been on your own path to get there. It hasn't come to you.
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You've made changes, shifts, transitions, as I said.
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But I wanted to start off kind of how we did when you first came in because I love that we discovered that you're addicted to junk food and sweets, and I can relate.
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And so I had to ask you, what is your favorite junk food to start off with?
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I mean, I'm a like a I love Taco Bell.
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I'm a fast food I grew up having fast food.
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I'm a fast food and of course it's the most addicting thing in the world.
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So, very addicted to fast food.
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Well, you said to me you had something on the way in. I had McDonald's. Okay.
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Regrettably, and I and I said as I was pulling into the drive-thru that I'm actively hurting my body and my brain as I'm participating in this, but sometimes you need fast food.
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I was like, I need to I'm I have my podcast.
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I need to be I'm sure it'll actually be slowing down my brain, but I but I needed to I needed to eat something. It was there.
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I could have stopped into Erewhon and gotten something, but I've actually never been inside an Erewhon in my life.
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So, you know, we we had to keep it real today. I got it.
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I got off a flight the other day and I was exhausted and I had to drive home from the airport and I got myself a Sprite and I got myself a burger and fries on the way home at 10:00 p. m.
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always, you know, even when you're trying to make the healthiest decisions in the world, it's just convenient. Yeah.
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That's the hardest thing.
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And wait, you love sweets too and I want I wanted to find out, does that mean like sour candy?
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Does that mean sweet tooth?
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Like what what is sweets? Is that chocolate? Is it Sweet.
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I'm not I mean, I love ice cream. I love everything. I love I love candy.
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I'm I love like Milk Duds are my candy of choice, but I love Sour Patch Kids.
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I love savory ice cream like Savory ice cream? don't know.
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I don't know if that's the right word, actually.
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Probably not the right word.
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I just love ice cream in general. Yeah, yeah.
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I'm always happy to connect on this these truths because I think as soon as we start talking about health and wellness, everyone everyone thinks that you live this perfect life and I know I don't too.
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I Like I said, I'm looking forward to Sunday to kind of ordering my burger and fries, but Right.
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One of the things that I find fascinating about you when when we were doing our research is that you started out and you've had multiple jobs before this. Right?
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You've had multiple different careers.
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Uh, and things I looked at was like you were a hostess at a restaurant, you worked at a bakery, you're a sales associate a role at Pier 1 Imports. Yeah.
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And when I saw that list, I was like, this is incredible.
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Talk to me about what you learned from each of those roles and each of those jobs.
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It's funny because I was literally a hostess at a restaurant for 3 hours and then I quit cuz I had a panic attack in the bathroom.
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I worked at a bakery for one shift, 5 hours, had a panic attack, quit.
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For some reason Pier 1 Imports is the only it's like the only job that I was able to have outside of acting where I didn't have a panic attack.
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Although I'm pretty sure I did have a panic attack, but I didn't quit that one.
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But yeah, I mean I had to make money.
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I I I wanted to pursue my career in LA and you obviously need funds to move across the country and do so and support myself, so I I struggled through a job there.
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It wasn't that It wasn't that bad.
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It was mostly I I know how to break down boxes really well.
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I I worked in the stock room breaking down boxes.
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It was fun during Christmas time opening all I was like, "It's Christmas.
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I'm opening all the Christmas stuff."
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But I also did the I was like enjoyed the cash register.
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I remember it was so weird.
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I I was so used to saying my full name for self-tapes.
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Like, "Hi, I'm Lili Reinhart.
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I'm however old and I'm auditioning for" So, the phone rang at Pier 1 once and I was like, "This is Lili Reinhart."
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And I just thought that was the like the worst I was like, "This person's probably like who?"
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Like that was such a weird thing.
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Like let me This is my full name. How can I help you? Yeah. Very Yeah.
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I'm I am sure that person remembers it quite well, yeah. That would be amazing.
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If that person is watching this or finds this somehow, please let us know because we would love to Yeah, I would love to know. love to discover you. Yeah.
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Talk to me about those episodes.
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I mean, to start a job and in 3 hours to have a panic attack, to have 5 hours and have a panic attack.
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I mean, that's you know, let me know how old you were in both those jobs, but like what was the cause of that?
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Where was that coming from? Uh how did that happen? was 18.
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So, I was living in North Carolina at the time.
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We had moved from Ohio to North Carolina for my dad's job when I was 16.
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So, I was prepping to move to LA obviously needed to have money to do so.
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So, was trying to find a job.
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My anxiety at that point really stemmed from Oh my god, this is so not what I want to be doing, but it's the means to make it happen.
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So, the anxiety came from This is absolutely not where I want to be, but I know I have to be here cuz I need money. I have to make money.
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So, the anxiety was like, don't have money, need it, have crippling anxiety and can't hold a job, but I need a job.
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So, it was very very isolating and I I've you know, I have I've been fortunate enough I have really terrible anxiety, but I don't suffer from too many panic attacks, but I obviously have had them. I know how they feel.
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It's the worst thing in the world and having those in those environments was so awful and and I always immediately text my mom.
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I don't know how she does it.
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She she has been very much the person that I turned to during these moments in my life of of panic and anxiety.
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She's always at the other end of the phone or the other end of the Skype or the FaceTime or whatever I need her in, she's there.
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So, I feel very lucky to have such a grounded I'm like, if I'm having a panic attack, you know Amy is going to know about it.
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I I really appreciate you sharing this because I think so many people can relate to that anxiety.
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I I remember when I came out of the monastery, left India, moved back to London, took me about 10 months to get my first job. Mhm. Finally got a job.
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I was working at this, you know, big consulting firm.
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I was back in the professional corporate world, which is what I would have done if I hadn't become a monk, and I was working at a client where I didn't really understand what we were doing.
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I'd been out of the working world for like 4 5 years at that point, so kind of lost a lot of my training in that world.
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I struggled with small talk.
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I'd I'd come back from this, and I remember feeling so anxious that I would take the longest lunch breaks.
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Like I would disappear from work for like 2 3 hours because I just couldn't have those conversations.
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I didn't know what to do.
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I wasn't very good at my job, and I remember going up to our senior manager at the time and saying to him that I know there's a space for me in this company, but I don't think this is the right role or this is the right client because the work we're doing here I feel really a deep lack of confidence, and I'm really just feeling anxious. Yeah.
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And the way he responded increased my anxiety.
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I was going to say, was he comforting? No.
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And so I did this you you were there 3 to 5 hours, and you knew yourself.
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I lost it 2 weeks, and so this was after 2 weeks.
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He said, "Jay, you realize people work really hard to get this job, and then they do as they're told.
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And they don't decide to shift after 2 weeks."
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And he said, "If you shift after 2 weeks, you'll pretty much be ending your career with us.
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Like that's what it's going to be like."
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And I just still knew that this was just not where I needed to be.
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And so what ended up happening was they told the client that we were servicing, so my company gave services to a client.
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They told the client that I wasn't performing well, and so that they were going to let go of me.
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And they literally walked me out of the office as if I'd just been fired. And I wasn't fired.
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I was just let go of that client.
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But they made me feel like I was fired.
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So I had to pack my box up. It was so painful.
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How did you communicate You obviously texted your mom, but how did you communicate How were you received by your the people you worked with, the person who was the boss or the owner?
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Like How How did they respond to you?
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they didn't know me, and I didn't know them.
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It wasn't even like a 2-week thing.
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It was genuinely nice to meet you. Here's this shift. Oh, now she's quitting.
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So, I genuinely don't even know what their impression was.
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I remember the bakery I worked at, the man the boss was just very concerned with getting the apron back.
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Uh it was like a very like, "Okay, well, make sure you return the apron."
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I was like, "Okay, I will make sure the apron gets back to you." Um so, that was strange.
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Did you give the apron back?
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I actually don't know if I ever did.
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Um sorry, but I think I felt more shameful about it towards like my parents and and my sister, my older sister, cuz my my little sister was young and didn't have a job, but I think I just felt like, "Oh, look how pathetic I am.
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I can't even Like my anxiety is really that bad.
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I can't even hold down a job."
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when I know my sister at the time was like a hard-working waitress at at a restaurant and had been for multiple years.
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So, I just felt pretty pathetic at the time, which is obviously a very shameful feeling.
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I mean, that's so tough, and especially for it to happen twice.
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And when you start judging yourself, and you start causing pain towards yourself verbally or you become internally abusive towards yourself, and as you said, you start comparing yourself to to siblings and and partners or whoever else family that's in your life. Yeah.
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How did you get the courage to try again when when you've got into such a dark space of And you And not It's not just a dark space.
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It's like you're actually experiencing physical panic attacks.
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So, it's not just mental, it's physical and mental, it's emotional.
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How are you still getting the courage to go, "Okay, I'm going to go Pier 1 Imports."
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or "I'm going to go even into acting, of course."
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It was my drive to be an actress.
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It's It's something that has truly lived so deep inside me.
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It's the core of who I am.
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Um which we'll come back to that cuz but I but it was truly my undying ambition and drive to be an actress where I knew I needed money.
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I needed money to make this happen.
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And the anxiety was just going to have to I was going to have to find something that I could handle, tolerate, I think was the right the right word.
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You know, I obviously couldn't be going to work and having panic attacks every day.
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So, I just needed to find something that I could tolerate.
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And Pier 1 ended up being a situation where I was working around mostly older women, which I think also says something about who I am.
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I didn't I wasn't comfortable working around these young people who I felt cuz I have social anxiety and at the time it was pretty bad.
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I was living a very isolated life.
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So, being around these young girls who were also there made me feel even more out of place.
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And so, I found myself more comfortable in a job where I was around middle-aged women who like weren't judging me, weren't necessarily interested in talking to me about my personal life.
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I just really wanted my job to be my job.
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I didn't want to make friends.
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I didn't want to create relationships.
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I just was there to make money and then bounce, basically.
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That's a great lesson for all of us because I think we often feel that you can get into such a dark place that nothing can get you out.
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But what you're saying is actually your drive to where you wanted to be and who you wanted to be was able to pull you out of that space to try again.
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It was and I'm very thankful very thankful for that.
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I never really gave myself a plan B.
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I didn't have a backup option.
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I knew I was going to be an actress.
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I didn't know what my career would would look like at all, and I still don't know what it's going to look like, but it's cuz it's still, you know, a hustle, and you're still always working working.
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But, but I really knew this is my dream.
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I have to do what I have to do to make this work, and I had moved to LA when I was 18.
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I had had such bad anxiety while I was here, tried to hold down a job in LA.
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I was hired, didn't even work a shift, had a panic attack, and quit. Wow.
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Um and that was the moment I decide I Skyped my mom, literally hyperventilating in a paper bag, and said, "I need to come home. I'm not okay."
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Cuz I'd been there for 5 months at the at I'd been here for 5 months at the time, and wasn't making any money, and I clearly could not handle the stress and anxiety of holding down a job here.
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So, moved back home for 6 months, went back to Pier One, worked as many shifts I think I was working two to three shifts a week because my anxiety could not handle more, saved up very little money.
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We're talking like $1,700 in the span of 6 months because I just could not work that much, but I moved back to LA because there was no other option. That's incredible.
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Thank you so much for going into detail with me.
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I know we like really unpacked every job and every role, but it's but I feel like it's so needed for all of us to hear that because obviously when people see you doing your thing, and you know, now you're like executive producing, and you're an author, and you know, your acting career is booming.
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It's like it's easy to believe that you're just confident, and you just, you know, it's easy, and it's effortless, and and and even today I've met you.
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You're you're you're wonderful.
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Like you have great presence, you have great energy, and it's like it's been so easy to connect with you, but to hear that that's the journey that it took to get slightly more comfortable with these things Yeah.
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uh is is really useful to everyone who's listening, and of course hard when you're living it, but tell me about the role you played in your home. You have two sisters. I do.
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And you spoke to a bit about your mother, who I want I want to focus on in a second, but what was the role you played in your family?
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Like or or what is the role you played in your family? Has it changed?
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Middle child, two sisters.
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My parents are happily married after 30-plus years, so very happy to have them as beautiful, loving role models in my life.
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I was the kid who was very stereotypical performer kid, did the theater, did at dancing classes, loved recitals, loved perform I performed in front of my when we went on big family vacations, I would make my cousin sing with me in front of the family. I was that kid.
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And like I was terrible at sports.
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That kind of like we have this kid is meant to be an artist, for sure.
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And I began struggling with anxiety at a young age, when I was like 11.
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is when it got really bad, which sounds so young thinking back on it.
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Like I really was feeling such complex anxiety, and my parents had no idea where it was coming from.
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My older sister was bullied very badly, and she struggled with her own issues, and so it was sort of like very hard for my parents to understand why I was struggling so badly, because there were no real external factors that made sense.
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Nothing was really adding up.
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Like, "Oh, you have you have friends, you have extracurriculars, you don't have any of these any glaring issues.
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It's just why are you so anxious?
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Why do you hate school so much?
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Why why are you feeling this way?
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And so I felt a lot of isolation at that age from the kids around me to my own family.
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It just felt very misunderstood and that's really when I started going to therapy for the first time and I really don't remember a lot of the journey because I think you're just so young.
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You only remember so many things, but also I was in such a a weird tunnel vision stage of your life where you just are in fighter flight mode and you're not really taking in your surroundings or really living. You're just surviving.
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And so it's it's interesting to think back on those times because I barely remember.
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All I remember is crying before school every morning begging my mom to let me be homeschooled because I couldn't stomach the idea of walking through the doors and sitting through an 8-hour day with the people the kids around me.
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Everything was a countdown.
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Constantly counting down how many hours left, how many hours until this class is over, when can I go to the bathroom so I can have 5 minutes to be alone, when can this happen, when can I do this, blah blah blah.
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Always counting down to something.
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So very much not living my life.
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It was always rushing through it.
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One of the hardest things about mental health I feel is that it's invisible. Mhm. Like no one can see it. Yeah. No one understands it. Mhm.
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And often people feel well, you have this, so why would you be anxious? Yeah, it doesn't add up.
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You have this, so then why would you experience depression?
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And it's hard when it's your own family and you know, when you're talking about being that young, it's probably when the mental health conversation wasn't as open as it is now. all.
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Where I'm hoping today that at least parents are hearing about it, are more open to the fact that they could be providing a beautiful loving atmosphere at home and a child could still be struggling with something.
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And I think that's one of the hardest things for parents is that it's almost like they see it as a reflection of them. Mhm.
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It's like what am I doing wrong? wrong with my kid? What did I do? What did I do? Exactly.
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And and that idea of what did I do stops us from thinking about the other and thinking about that person when that's really the moment where a child is saying, "I'm struggling with something."
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And and the ego inside all of us, not just parents, the ego in all of us goes, "But no, no, no, but that's not my fault.
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Like I did or I don't want I don't know what I'm be right.
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This can't be right because I didn't do anything for that.
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It sounds like your parents are wonderful, right?
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Like from what I'm hearing. Yeah.
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And so obviously for them I can imagine it's hard.
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When you start going to therapy at that young age, when you start getting exposed to this, when do you start to feel like you're gaining tools, clarity, insight that you're like, "Oh, I can cope with this."
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Because it sounds like from what we were talking about, it's not something that ever goes away.
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It's not something that ever just disappears, but you start coping better, you start managing it better.
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Is that accurate or Yeah, no, for for sure I think the therapy was a really beautiful for 1 hour a week I was talking to someone who just got it. She was an older woman.
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I instantly really loved her and connected with her.
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I still felt like it wasn't okay for me to be feeling what I was feeling, like it wasn't justified and maybe I would be looked as crazy.
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So I remember even in my therapy sessions would be like, "Oh god, my allergies are so bad."
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As I had tears streaming down my face.
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I'm like, "Girl, you're in a therapy office. You're allowed to cry."
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And it's interesting like the messaging from when I was a kid to to what it is now is so radically different compared to even, you know, 20 years ago.
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How insane, but even just from when I was a kid being I feel like you heard the thing you heard the term don't cry. You don't need to cry.
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Crying is the most beautiful thing you can do.
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I encourage people to cry.
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I cry all the time and I think it's the most healthy expression of how you're feeling and I I sometimes wish I just could have been told you can cry.
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There's no shame in that.
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There's no shame in how you're feeling and also you don't need to always be justifying it because I think I was constantly trying to come up with reasons why rather than just being accepted for what it was. I have anxiety. I have depression. Okay, but why?
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Well, sometimes there isn't.
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And and and navigating that space when I was so young and trying to defend myself, having my first panic attacks and not knowing what this feeling was, how I could escape it, what resources I had.
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I you know, I was too young to really be going on the internet looking for help elsewhere.
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I just really had like my parents and I guess the kids around me at school who had no idea what to tell me or how to help.
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You know, my friends at the time.
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It's not like they got it. They just didn't.
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So, I was so isolated and I'm I'm happy that now this is a space we're moving into where we are saying feel your feelings and that they're they're justified.
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You don't need to defend yourself. I'm like, damn.
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That's the kind of environment I want to raise my future kids in to where it's it is a beautiful thing to cry and you're allowed to feel.
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You're just allowed to feel.
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If everyone would just listen to do over and over and over and over and over again every day like our lives would be so much better because telling someone not to cry is like telling someone not to laugh. Right?
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Like It's the worst advice.
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It's it's such bad advice and because yeah like telling someone not to cry is like telling someone not to laugh. Not to laugh.
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there's a natural expression that needs to be released in order to feel an emotion. Yep.
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And you're being told to block it and not feel it.
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You would never do that with any other emotion but when it comes to crying and especially as a man too, you know, that's a big part of how boys are raised. cry. Boys don't cry. Right.
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And boys never cry and you know, you'll be fine. You're okay. There's nothing wrong.
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And so it's like oh, if I cry that means there's something wrong.
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And that association of crying is bad is actually the biggest issue because Yeah, it's so toxic that crying becomes a negative emotion. Yeah.
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So now when I cry I feel sad even if crying was going to actually make me feel better. Which it does usually. It does. Yeah.
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And and we cry when there's happy tears too.
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At the end of the day it's a release. Yes.
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And there are so many things that need to be released from the body, the mind, the the heart. Mhm.
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And everything you just said I I wish everyone would just listen to that part again and again and again and play it to their children and play it to their family members because if if that's all you take out from this conversation it will change your life and I know there's so many more but but that was truly truly powerful. Oh, sorry. Go on. No, no.
26:31
I mean I just to kind of go deeper into that.
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I feel the last 2 years have been a very large spiritual awakening for me.
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Uh really became awakened to the spiritual side of life and really what wellness means and I thought I new who I was before and it was confident, but really I was so much of my identity was based off of pleasing other people and putting my identity in other people's hands and the concept I read a lot of self-help books.
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Uh you know, did a deep discovery on all those things and and the biggest takeaway I was gathering was how vital it is to sit with your feelings and experience them, which again just goes along the you know, the concept of don't cry.
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Not you're you're pushing it away rather than doing the opposite, which is how you heal.
27:30
I was on a very big healing journey 2 years ago, which is how this all really started and the biggest thing I kept reading was feel like feel your feelings.
27:41
Sit there and let the feeling be in your body.
27:43
Ex- like let it flow through you. Observe it. Don't judge it.
27:51
Let it happen as it needs to to happen.
27:54
Let it flow through you and so that's what I that's what I did and that's what I my perspective has changed quite dramatically over the even the last couple months and I sort of look at things this way as someone who very much struggles with anxiety and depression.
28:15
When I feel very overwhelmed by those things and sort of like I'm being burdened by these things.
28:22
I like to think of it as if I started out as this celestial being, this just energy and the universe or God or whomever said, "Hey, do you want to go to Earth for an incredibly short amount of time, like a blip, and experience every emotion that you could possibly feel as a human?
28:45
You get to have all these experiences.
28:48
Love, heartache, anxiety, joy, euphoria, whatever. All of it. Do you want to do that? Yeah, I do.
28:59
And so, when I am feeling these intense feelings, it's sort of like a reality check to step outside and say, although this is a very uncomfortable, painful feeling, it's quite beautiful that I have the capacity to experience it. Just in general.
29:19
Like, I am so lucky to feel to the extent that I feel, and to feel as deeply as I feel, because it can often feel like a curse when you're having heartache.
29:31
And you know, when you're experiencing love, it's absolutely euphoric.
29:34
And then when it's the opposite, it's a curse.
29:37
And so, understanding that both of those exist in the same timeline and in the same life.
29:46
And that is sort of something that I use to ground myself when I am stuck in a feeling of darkness.
29:56
That is probably the best description of that I've heard before.
29:58
The idea of if we were given the choice to have this diverse set of emotions, experiences, feelings.
30:07
And what you rightly said was that if you're experiencing loss, Mhm.
30:13
it means you've experienced love. Yeah.
30:16
And if you've experienced pain, it means you've experienced joy.
30:20
It actually means that you've had the fortune Yeah.
30:26
of receiving a glimpse of greatness. Yeah.
30:30
And I lost my mentor to stage four brain cancer. Mhm.
30:37
And I lost him a few years before that because of how brain cancer works in the sense that he wasn't mentally there.
30:43
mentally there even though he was spiritually there. Yeah.
30:46
And what I always referred to him as which I found fascinating was so when someone has stage four brain cancer obviously they start to lose aspects of their memory, they start to lose aspects of identity. Yeah.
30:57
And his memory became so short.
30:57
He had long-term memory and he lost his short-term memory.
31:02
So if he'd see me he'd be like, "Hey Jay, how's it going?"
31:05
and then 30 seconds later he'd be like, "Hey Jay, how's it going?" as if he'd just seen me.
31:08
So he'd still know I'm Jay and he'd still remember our relationship for many, many years but in the moment he you couldn't have attention.
31:19
But what I found fascinating was that all he did was thank people for their service to God. Oh, wow.
31:23
So all he'd do if he saw you and he was a he was a community leader, he was he was a priest in his own right and if he saw you he'd be like, "Thank you for what you're doing for others.
31:32
Thank you for your service." Wow.
31:35
And I was like, "How special was that?"
31:36
That that was his broken loop was gratitude.
31:40
That's the most wholesome thing I've ever heard. Literally.
31:41
And and and to experience that was just unbelievable and it's what you're saying that yes, I miss him and yes, of course I wish he was there.
31:52
I feel like calling him up every day to tell him what I'm doing and and different things that happened in my life but the fact that I can experience that I miss someone Yeah.
32:00
means that I just had something really special.
32:02
I'm not saying that makes it easy, I'm saying that it reaffirms the point that you're making that we're fortunate to have both experiences because they only come together.
32:13
Yeah, and I do think no one really talks about how people leave your life.
32:18
You know what death is, you know people are going to die but you don't really until I think you're in your 20s honestly experience how often people come and go just in general and it's loss. It is grief.
32:33
it's loss. It is grief. It's not death but it's but it's loss and how profound of a a feeling that is and I almost wish and I don't know what this looks like or what the teachings look like or what the advice is, but just that there could be more of a conversation of when you are growing up, like people are going to come and go and let's find ways to accept that because I
32:58
think the last 2 years I've had what feels like a revolving door of people in my life, new people that I've tried to make connections with and then they leave or people that I've been maybe not make a connection with, so there never really is one and then the relationship kind of just ends, but but, you know, there have been obviously meaningful relationships that come in and then they end. And so it's weird because you are going
33:23
And so it's weird because you are going on this journey of loss and grief, but it's not death and the person still exists and they have their their own conscious mind that you're sort of trying to figure out, well, how are they experiencing this?
33:39
Because in in death, the person's just gone and you can think whatever thoughts you have and they're yours and no one can take those away from you, whereas when someone leaves your life and they're still around, it's like, oh, there's two sides to this story and what is this person's experience and I just think that's like a very interesting concept is how do you deal with the loss of someone who's still around? Still around, yeah.
34:05
I especially when we've been trained in society to believe that length of time equals success.
34:13
Yeah, or that's the measure of love. Correct.
34:16
Yeah, that the measure of love, the measure of success is importance. longevity, length.
34:20
We know plenty of people that have been in a job for 25 years that they hate or have been in a relationship for 15 years that they don't love. Right.
34:30
And you constantly find that, but also what you're saying I think more deeply the idea that we actually deal with coming and going and the seasons of relationships far more. Mhm.
34:41
And it's like we know that when it's winter you put on a coat. Right.
34:45
We know when it's summer you get to put your shorts on and when it's spring you may carry if you're in London especially you carry an umbrella and if it's fall you get to wear fall colors like you know it's like with the seasons of nature we know how to adapt our clothing, our preparation.
34:59
But not with the seasons of life.
35:03
Absolutely, it just doesn't happen.
35:03
Like you don't you don't ever talk about the winter of life. No.
35:08
As what you're saying if you talk about loss or death or grief as the winter of life. Yeah.
35:12
Uh you don't ever talk about it and then you're unprepared. Yeah.
35:16
It's almost like I feel very ill-equipped. Genuinely.
35:18
And and as I've been in my the last 2 years dealing with so much of it I'm like there's got to be some solutions out here.
35:26
There's got to be people who are talking about it because I know I'm you know not the only woman in her 20s who's going through cycles of relationships and and and meeting new people and then having those people leave or me choosing to leave.
35:40
So it's like uh Come on guys, let's rally and and brainstorm and be there for each other because I don't want to turn to Google and read stupid articles that tell me that when someone leaves your life you should go on a hike.
35:57
Because if someone tells me to go on a hike one more time I'm like uh okay. This is what people say.
36:06
They say when someone leaves your life when when something when you're going through something pick up a new hobby. Oh. Okay. Sh- sure.
36:15
I'll do that and that'll take up 3 seconds of my time and probably like $400 to buy all this equipment for this new hobby whatever it is.
36:22
Maybe I'll try crocheting and you know all of a sudden I'm spending $300 on all these things and it lasts 2 seconds.
36:29
It's like there's There's got to be What else can I be doing? Yeah. Yeah.
36:35
So, what I've personally been dealing with is the struggle of what is my identity outside of everything else?
36:43
What is my identity outside of everyone else, so just me, and outside of work because I'm a workaholic, and I since I was a kid as a survival as a coping mechanism, had to basically make acting my identity to push me out of the situations that I was in and launch me into my career.
37:09
So, I feel that I have been in fight or flight mode for most of my life.
37:16
And what that has done to my brain and my body, my mental well-being is if I continue at this rate, catastrophic.
37:30
I, you know, I will lose my brain power. There's no way.
37:32
Humans are not meant to continue living in that state of your adrenaline is always going, you know, just that fight or flight response, and I'm basically on this journey right now in my life of trying to calm that down, and trying to just simply exist, Mhm.
37:54
and sit in stillness without feeling like I need to fill a void. Mhm.
38:01
And that is the biggest That has been like waking up with anxiety.
38:08
I'm not working this summer.
38:08
I'm not filming anything.
38:09
I'm promoting my movie, very thankful for that.
38:11
Um you know, I have my own production company, so I'm, you know, I'm doing a lot of I do a lot of Zooms.
38:17
I do all the things, but there are days where I have nothing to do. That's amazing.
38:23
Well, that's the challenge.
38:25
Is is where I'm thinking, what do I do with myself?
38:28
Because I have been programmed to constantly go. Pick up a new hobby. Go on a hike. Yeah, let me do that. I'm going to do that.
38:41
Besides that, I'm like, how do I find serenity and acceptance and peace without running away from myself.
38:53
Because even and I'm stopping myself in these tracks because the past week I've had such bad anxiety about not working and and being bored.
39:01
The the fear of being bored has been haunting me and I've been thinking, what trips can I go on?
39:08
Okay, I'm going to reach out to like literally everyone I know. When are they available?
39:12
I'm filling my I'm looking at the calendar on my phone going, I I'm alone that day. Need to fill that up.
39:19
Like genuinely, how can I fill my time so I'm not alone because loneliness equals my existential crisis thoughts and I'm going to spiral. Yeah.
39:29
So, I'm very much on that journey of because I know I don't want that. I do not want that.
39:38
I do not want to be someone who has to fill that void.
39:40
I pride myself on being someone who will never just succumb to that and be the person who always has to have friends around, always needs to be doing something. I don't want that.
39:53
That's not the identity that I want.
39:55
I want to be able to be okay by myself.
40:01
And that's a really hard thing to do.
40:05
It's sort of like, how do you do that?
40:10
But even hearing you verbalize and vocalize is so powerful, right?
40:12
Like even to have that as an aspiration Yeah.
40:17
is an unbelievable power because it's a recognition of your true feelings.
40:23
Going back to what we were speaking about before, you're actually responding to and listening to how your body, mind, and heart feel. Mhm.
40:33
And so you're already making so much progress because if you weren't listening, then you would be going against the advice that we should be allowed to cry and we should be allowed to do this.
40:41
And so you're saying, "Well, I just need to take the next 3 months or however long it is off because that's what I'm feeling I need."
40:49
And even if you don't know yet what that looks like, you're still deeply responding to that need.
40:56
And so I think there's a real power in that because identifying it is one thing, then implementing it, which you are, is another thing.
41:03
And then, as you said, building your identity as this new identity is almost like step three.
41:09
I want to dive into that and and how we do that with you and how you have found ways of doing it because I'm guessing that you've had glimpses in these last 2 years where you have felt at peace with yourself or you have had moments where you recognize the value of solitude over loneliness or there are moments where you're starting to realize, you said it in your own words, "I don't want to live based on the opinions of others or for others."
41:37
So there are glimpses of what this looks like and you're piecing together the puzzle.
41:43
But you were saying that, you know, you're going through this transition in your life right now and our identity gets wrapped up in other people, our jobs, our work, everything around of us.
41:53
And so when you're saying you're trying to understand your identity beyond this as Lilly Pulitzer today who are you beyond those things right now?
42:03
It's a process for me of I'm trying to take it day by day because I overwhelm myself by trying to fix it all right away.
42:14
I'm a very all or nothing person and I'm a very compulsive person.
42:21
Like once I find out what's wrong, oh, got to have a solution immediately.
42:26
Can't I don't want to wait for time.
42:29
Yeah, I don't want to That's the worst when people say, "Just give it time."
42:32
No, I don't want to do that.
42:32
I would like to do it right now. Yeah.
42:34
To be honest, I was just in Maui recently and one of the most beautiful moments I had there was when I was in a very spiritual uh it was like a spiritual shop.
42:48
uh it was like a spiritual shop. They had crystals, they had but they had a labyrinth like a a maze on the ground that that you could walk in and just sort of it was this it took you like good 15 minutes to walk through all the little pathways and then you get you get to the center and you can meditate or
43:09
and then you can and then you walk out and it's it's a it's there was like a whole book about about the ideology behind this labyrinth and and I didn't I didn't read it but I but I took it as an opportunity to use it as just like a just meditating a moment of meditation and I felt so close to myself when I was doing that. Like it was
43:36
Like it was so true to who I was in that moment to just be doing this activity. Mhm. It was so comforting.
43:44
It's hard just like anything.
43:47
like anything. You can lose yourself in something, you know, you can lose yourself in becoming overly like awakened and your whole identity becomes I'm a spiritual guru and I'm healing like all about heal like it's so
44:04
easy to just fall into that trap and I'm obviously trying not to do that as well and I'm definitely not but I my friends would never would never would never let me do that but but I do find so much therapy through even just talking about it even if I don't have the answers. Yes, yeah. Yes, yeah.
44:26
I don't have the answers to who really am I outside of Mhm.
44:31
my fighter flight mode and who who am I outside of being an actor?
44:33
I don't really have the answers to those questions but just even saying that out loud makes me feel like I'm closer to figuring it out. Yeah.
44:46
And I really appreciate that honesty because I agree too like I'm I'm hearing you speak and and it feels the same way to me where I'm like okay, you're not forcing yourself at least in this moment to arrive at an answer or to give an answer to complete the sentence.
45:02
But at the same time I'm I'm seeing a self-awareness.
45:04
I'm seeing a acceptance of that path and that's what's so useful and you are right that if you've never allowed yourself to be yourself, how would you know how to describe it?
45:14
So if I ask you to describe yourself as an actress you'd be able to describe yourself.
45:20
It'd be pretty easy because you've been an actress plenty of times or you could describe those roles that you've played.
45:26
But then when someone asks you who are you to pretty much 99.
45:30
9% of people on the planet, we can't answer it because we've never actually let ourselves be ourselves.
45:35
So it's not alien to not know. Yeah.
45:38
Well, I think we we know who we are in relation to other people. Yeah. Into things. Our roles. roles.
45:47
Yeah, 100% but then when you take like take the roles away what are you? Yeah. What whoa. Whoa. I do not know. I do not know.
45:58
is the beginning of figuring it out.
45:59
Like that's yeah, that's the biggest you now can go, "Okay, am I playing Lilly the actress Mhm.
46:04
or am I playing Lilly the daughter, friend, whatever, or am I trying to discover what Lilly would do?" Yeah. Right?
46:12
And it's And it is that conversation of It's kind of like with my sister when I'm giving her relationship advice and she'll be like, "Stop being Jay Shetty."
46:19
Like, you know, like, "Be my brother." Right?
46:20
And it's like, that's what my sister would say to me cuz she doesn't want a coaching conversation with her brother.
46:29
She wants me to be her brother. Mhm.
46:29
And so then I'm like, "Okay, so she gets the brother version."
46:33
And then there's this version that this community gets.
46:35
But then it's like, "But then who am I beyond all of those things?"
46:39
And I really realized that when I left the monkhood because even so much of my identity has beca- had become wrapped in being a monk. Yep.
46:49
And the whole point of being a monk was to not have an identity that you're wrapped up in. Yeah. That was the whole goal.
46:56
Everything you're talking about is exactly what we were working on for when I was there for 3 years. Yeah.
47:00
But even then, it was so easy to get wrapped up in another identity.
47:03
And so when that identity collapsed after 3 years, when I when it all fell apart for me, that was when I allowed myself to learn about who I was beyond that identity.
47:18
And even now I have to hold on to that self. do it?
47:21
I'd say that the first of it was a a sense of and this sounds painful, but it and it is, there is a sense of role destruction. Yeah. And like panic.
47:35
Panic and feeling something and a part of you that you use for safety to dissolve. Yep.
47:42
And that's the hardest part.
47:44
It's hard to let go of the false identity because it's a sense of safety that being a monk is a sense of safety, being an actor is a sense of safety, being whatever is a sense of safety.
47:53
And unless you're willing to go I'm letting that safety go, to some degree, it's very hard to say, "Okay, well, I'm open to what this is."
48:04
So, that was the first part.
48:04
It was like letting go of that identity externally, in my language, in my intellectual thoughts about who I was, in how I thought people perceived me.
48:17
And then the next step was saying, "Rather than who am I was who do I want to be?"
48:23
So, what I realized was we're trying to figure out who we are rather than create who we are.
48:27
And we do this as humans.
48:27
We go into finding and seeking rather than creating and being.
48:35
And finding and seeking is the never-ending journey because there's nothing to look for.
48:38
There is only things to be and create.
48:40
And so, I realized that everything I was currently being and creating was based on values I'd adopted from family, friends, or society.
48:50
So, I literally made a list of what are my current values.
48:55
I then asked myself, "Where did they come from?"
48:56
And so, it was like my parents, some kid in school who bullied me, my teacher who told me I wasn't this or that, a friend who thought I was cool or uncool based on whatever.
49:06
And then I asked myself, "Do I still have that value?
49:10
Do I still want to live that value?"
49:13
And so, I shifted to creating a new list of values and principles that I wanted to live by, and I just started practicing them with everyone I met.
49:20
And that's how I started to create and be my new identity rather than subscribing to an old one, if that makes sense.
49:28
That's a very quick version.
49:31
No, it makes perfect sense because I recently I've been having those thoughts to myself as like, "Who am I really?
49:40
If I were to explain myself, describe myself in a couple words, there are characteristics that I use that I don't actually like.
49:47
I don't like being a negative person, but I think I would describe myself I I or I used to describe myself as a negative person, as a pessimist, as a full realist, not entirely hopeful kind of person.
50:05
And recently was thinking, "Well, I don't like that.
50:10
I don't I don't actually, if I had the choice, I would choose to not be that person.
50:14
I would not I don't want to be a negative person.
50:18
I don't want to be a pessimist, but it's safety. Yes.
50:22
It's not getting my hopes up.
50:22
It's protecting my heart. It's shelter.
50:27
And how do you part ways with something that you have identified with for so long?
50:33
And that's obviously a challenge in itself, but it's something that I'm very much trying to do even with my food choices, like someone who has enjoyed really food that's really terrible for you your whole life and now making that conscious effort to change that and and fuel my body and treat my body in a better, healthier way.
50:57
It's it's all just making these conscious decisions of, "Oh, do I I'm just fully in autopilot right now, just choosing the same thing because that's what I've always done.
51:07
Oh, I'm just being pessimistic because that's what I've always done."
51:11
And it takes pausing and reflecting and making an active effort to shift that behavior, and that's so hard. hard.
51:22
We're simply living patterns. Yeah. Right?
51:24
That's that's literally as simple as it is.
51:26
It's like we've adopted a pattern. Mhm.
51:29
And now we have to choose to practice a new pattern based on who we want to be, and that's why I think the journey of who am I is really who do I want to be, who do I want to create, who do who do I want to live as because we've never known who we are.
51:42
So, trying to figure out who we are is is a fool's errand cuz you just keep getting stuck and then like you just said now, you accept oh, I'm a negative person because that's who I've always been not realizing it's just a pattern you developed.
51:56
It's just a habit you adopted.
51:58
It's just what you absorb through your environment as opposed to selected it.
52:04
That's truly I mean it's such a profound thing that's just like settling into my brain now is is even the last couple days been thinking I need to find out who I am. Like find. I need to find it.
52:16
I need to search for it rather than I will never get anywhere if I do that.
52:23
It's a matter of who do I want to be and then actively doing that.
52:29
Yeah, and selecting those values, selecting those principles, selecting the habits like you just gave for your food.
52:35
It's like if you just said who am I, you'd I'd be like, yeah, I'm someone who loves chocolate.
52:39
Like I'm someone who loves ice cream.
52:41
I'm someone who loves junk food, fast food. But that's not who I am.
52:44
That's just a pattern I built and I can change that pattern. Yes, it's hard.
52:47
I'm I and I'm I'm with you on that.
52:50
Like it's been when I met my wife, she's the one who transformed my diet because I was always someone who is focused on mastering the mind and I kind of neglected the body and kind of didn't care.
53:00
And my wife is a nutritionist and dietitian and Ayurvedic chef and so her whole world is food. Quite convenient. Very convenient. Hugely convenient.
53:08
If you want to change your life. No, yeah.
53:12
And and it was like she got me off refined sugar.
53:14
She got me off the wrong oil.
53:16
She got me off like packaged and processed food on a daily basis and it was so much education and so much coaching that I received from her that allowed me to make transitions where I the first thing I said to her was like, I don't know how I would live without sugar. Like I don't know.
53:32
And it sounds ridiculous now, but it's like yeah, when I met when we got married six years ago and I was like, yeah, I don't know what you want me to do. Mhm.
53:40
Then we started looking for alternatives and and now if you ask me I pretty much would eat like I guess refined sugar maybe like once a month. Oh.
53:50
And and so That's amazing.
53:52
And that's amazing for me.
53:52
Like that's a big thing for me. Wow. Because I didn't know.
53:55
I grew up eating four chocolate products a day.
53:57
My mom gave me a chocolate biscuit, a chocolate bar, a chocolate yogurt, and a chocolate ice cream every day.
54:02
And I was addicted and to sugar. Yep.
54:04
And so it's pattern formation though.
54:07
And yes, you're so right. It requires discipline. It's painful. It's it's hard.
54:11
But I love that that's dropped for you like and I love that you took us there today because I think too many people are finding and looking and seeking and searching and it's being and creating and building and forming. Yeah.
54:25
Uh which is where our energy needs to go because you've seen yourself build a career. Mhm.
54:29
You've seen yourself create your your roles.
54:33
You've seen yourself create a book.
54:34
You've seen yourself create a show.
54:36
Like you created those things. You didn't find them. Very true. didn't search for them. You didn't seek them.
54:43
So you know you have creative energy and creative power. Yeah.
54:45
Like damn, got to create myself now. Yeah. How How exciting. It is very exciting.
54:51
And then there's a sense of selection and control and not controlling in a control freak way but in a sense of like I can choose. Yes. Yes.
55:00
can make the choice and and my first step was definitely the epiphany of Oh wait, I actually don't want to keep identifying with this. Yeah. Yeah.
55:11
Were you always you used the word spiritual.
55:13
Was that a word in your vocabulary always?
55:16
Did it arrive two years ago?
55:18
Like how did that become a path to a lot of this healing and journey that you've been on as opposed to something else?
55:25
Like I think there's so many options. Why this? Why? How?
55:30
I mean I grew up Christian.
55:33
Uh it was I went to a Presbyterian church which I definitely do not uh align with those teachings anymore, but I do believe in God.
55:40
I I I do call myself a Christian, but I also call myself very spiritual.
55:45
And I think 2 years ago, the the lockdown was was forcing me to go through this this healing journey by myself.
55:55
And my journey through healing was through spiritual healing.
56:02
And through uh working with actual healers and and energy.
56:11
And I studied and I started to study Reiki, and I'm going to get my mas- my master's.
56:16
I mean, I'm going to going to be a Reiki master Yes.
56:21
at the end of the summer. I'm taking my Thank you.
56:23
So, it became a I'm going to look inward is sort of what what what it was.
56:29
And And I found that that became Oh, that's clearly a very spiritual route.
56:34
You're looking in towards your spirit, towards your soul.
56:35
You're doing shadow work, soul searching. So, I was like, "Okay. Okay.
56:40
Spirituality is the word that I'm resonating with."
56:43
And I I actually went to Mount Shasta, which which is a very high vibrational, highly spiritual place in Northern California.
56:54
And I went there by myself, and I worked with a She calls herself a sound healer.
56:59
Uh and I and I worked with her and found the experience I just again felt I felt very much like I was so at home with myself while I was doing those things.
57:10
So connected to myself, connected to my higher self, the person that I want to be.
57:16
And so, I thought, yes, this is the right path for me.
57:19
And so, it kind of ever since then, I've been very into spirituality.
57:29
And you know, I've always loved crystals. Everyone loves crystals.
57:30
But like, looking past that into a deeper form of energy healing, and that led me to Reiki, which led me to sound healing and going to sound baths, and and then meditation, and and I took a course in and I learned TM, transcendental meditation, which wasn't really the It didn't super resonate with me.
57:53
It hasn't stuck with me, but it is something that I tried.
57:57
So, it it's been a trial, you know, trial of just different things, and uh I guess that's just what I call when I say I'm spiritual.
58:07
I'm on I'm on that very uh personal journey with myself, looking inward. Yeah. Yeah. of what I mean by that.
58:16
Yeah, but I but I love those examples because it is a practicing of different methods and techniques to find what works for you, and you've obviously found, you know, both in Reiki and sound healing what what really suited your soul and your your your healing, which I think is such an important part of it.
58:32
I think spirituality or healing or any of these terms can often get They they're so big, and they can get a good or bad name based on a particular practice, and the idea is that it's just such a big umbrella term for so many practices that it's so important that people keep an open mind to finding what works for them.
58:54
And you're right, there may be a certain aspect that just doesn't, you know, float your boat and doesn't make you feel great, but there's other parts that could reveal it to you, you know, very powerfully, I think.
59:04
When I lived as a monk, we traveled a lot in southern India, where a lot of temples are around 2 to 5,000 years old.
59:12
And I never had been anywhere that old.
59:15
Like, my school was 500 years old that I went to in England, and so that was pretty old.
59:19
But then when you go into like 80 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
59:22
My my school is literally 1573, I think, was the year it was founded. By the queen of England.
59:29
And so Yeah, and so our school was pretty old and had this big history, but when I when I went to these temples that were like 2,000 5,000 years old and you see this incredible architecture, it's you know, it's maintained I never realized that I found going on pilgrimage to be so deeply healing and for me Yeah.
59:47
because I would go into these chambers where sound it similarly has been maintained and preserved for thousands of years.
59:57
People have meditated, chanted, played bowls, gongs, whatever it may be in these spaces and you can still feel the reverberation when you walk in.
1:00:06
Oh, that sounds so amazing.
1:00:09
And it's and it's really powerful.
1:00:10
Like it really feels like, you know, and so again, that was something that I never would have known growing up in London and you know, having to go to that experience.
1:00:19
And those temples are mainly in southern India. Mhm.
1:00:22
Where you see Sounds like I need to go to southern India.
1:00:24
Yeah, where you see that like real ancient history of of spirituality in in southern India.
1:00:30
And so those kind of places for me were like things that I never thought I'd discover and Yeah.
1:00:35
And then there's parts that I'm like, yeah, I would never go and do X Y Z.
1:00:38
So, how did you find these things or were there friends?
1:00:42
Were there recommendations? Was it the internet?
1:00:44
Like how were you discovering certain things for you because I feel like that's quite difficult for people to Yeah.
1:00:50
I mean, it's easy in LA because you're surrounded by people who are you're there's a crystal shop on every corner, genuinely.
1:00:59
And and There's a tarot card reader. Truly.
1:01:01
And I think I was always like oh, tarot's interesting.
1:01:05
That happened a you know, a couple years ago.
1:01:07
I bought my first tarot deck and Reiki actually, my a makeup artist on Riverdale who worked on the first and second season, she was a Reiki master and she was telling me about it and one day performed Reiki on me and I was like, "Whoa, this is so cool."
1:01:22
And so I was always super interested in diving into that and then the lockdown just kind of gave me a a boost to explore that because I was like, "Damn, I could use some healing.
1:01:34
Maybe I should heal myself."
1:01:36
And then it also just came from I think the word wellness.
1:01:39
Like what is well wellness?
1:01:40
And I Googled wellness retreats in California.
1:01:46
And I was like, "Okay, maybe not a retreat.
1:01:48
I don't really want to be doing yoga and eating vegetables for a week.
1:01:52
Like not necessarily my vibe.
1:01:52
I wanted to be a little bit more personalized and grounding for just me."
1:01:57
And I found my sound healer in Mount Shasta.
1:02:00
And so I went and saw her by myself and really kind of had a first-hand experience of sound healing and past life readings and cord-cutting ceremonies and not astral projection, but just sort of your astral bodies and and things like that.
1:02:16
It was like this world that was suddenly opening up to me that was so I've always just found this kind of the the afterlife, I guess, very fascinating.
1:02:28
I've always been terrified and intrigued at the idea of ghosts.
1:02:32
And like what what are what's that?
1:02:35
Like what is talking to a spirit, you know?
1:02:36
It's so weird and I've always felt like I've been very highly intuitive kind of in-tuned person.
1:02:45
Oh, I see symbols and I see things are very serendipitous and there's not there's all these coincidences that are happening.
1:02:52
And And so I also was looking into and to be honest, Tik Tok was After all of that, that was not what I was expecting.
1:03:03
I was not expecting Uh there is such a spiritual side of Tik Tok that is so vast. me on to that side?
1:03:11
Yes, I mean it's the algorithm.
1:03:13
You start seeing one video and then and seeing a million of them.
1:03:16
And and I was stumbling on these pages of just like highly intuitive people.
1:03:22
And I reached out to one of them and said, "Do you offer mentorships or something?"
1:03:27
And and she said, "Yeah."
1:03:28
And so I did a mentorship with a psychic for 3 months where she taught me how to heal my ancestral trauma.
1:03:34
And I believe we all have psychic abilities.
1:03:41
It's a matter of training your brain.
1:03:44
Some people are just born being more in tune and tapped into that skill, but I do believe that we all have the ability to tap into them.
1:03:50
So I was really just trying to learn how to do that cuz I thought that was so fascinating.
1:03:55
She did teach me how to talk to the deceased.
1:03:57
Uh not that I can do it well.
1:04:02
I will say I've only I feel that I've only successfully done it like twice or three times.
1:04:08
And even then, while you're doing it, you're sort of like, "Am I doing this?"
1:04:12
Like Most people when they would hear these things, there's judgment about, "Oh, that's just wacky." Or that's whatever.
1:04:20
Like and but what I'm seeing in you, which I'm appreciating, is just, "Hey, I'm I'm trying to be me.
1:04:25
Like I I'm right now I'm exploring this.
1:04:28
Right now I'm experimenting with this. I'm learning this.
1:04:32
Maybe it's something that I believe is true.
1:04:33
Maybe it isn't, but I'm at least doing what I want to do now without worrying about what everyone else thinks and believes.
1:04:40
I mean, when I chose to become a monk at 21 going on 22, 99% of my friends thought I was absolutely insane.
1:04:47
Because they're like, "Why would you do that?
1:04:49
Like why would you not want to go make money and date more women and get into another relationship and get a home or whatever it was."
1:04:55
And so I know what it feels like to make a decision that most people around me feel doesn't make any sense and is completely against the grain of But it was the the best decision I ever made in my life.
1:05:09
And I have zero regrets about that decision or how I spent that 3 years.
1:05:15
And I look back at it all the time and but at the time everyone around me thought I was making the worst decision.
1:05:21
My family said I was committing career suicide.
1:05:23
You know, my friends were completely confused.
1:05:26
My society and people in our community were like, "Oh, you're letting your parents down and you'll never get a job again."
1:05:32
You know, there's just so much judgment. Yeah.
1:05:36
But I was just trying to do what felt right intuition at this time and it wasn't harming anyone and I think that's the you know, that to me is like the the barrier or it's like, "Well, you're trying something that's not harming anyone. It's not harming you.
1:05:47
It's not harming anyone around you."
1:05:48
And if if that's allowing you to explore a part of yourself, you just never know where it could go.
1:05:54
So, it's very comforting for people to hear about being into unique things because we all it's almost like we all follow the same people.
1:06:02
We all watch the same things and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's nice to have a few things that are unique and a break from the norm.
1:06:10
Exactly, a break from the norm.
1:06:10
I want to talk to you about a bit about, you know, this this new show and we were talking about this idea of you get to play these two parallel lives which kind of with everything you're talking about Yeah, interesting. connected.
1:06:26
And I love that idea of parallel universes, of multiple lives, of the multiverse right now is a big big thing and a big talking point.
1:06:35
When you're playing these roles, how much of these roles are you identifying with especially I guess like moving to LA for a career that's very much in line with you? Yeah.
1:06:46
Uh and then obviously becoming a pregnant mother.
1:06:51
Yeah, that one you haven't experienced like when you're doing that, how much of what you've just talked about that you're interested in kind of feeds into those roles and when you're playing those roles and becoming these new identities?
1:07:01
Well, for the I mean for the film people are people ask like, "Was it so hard to play two two different character?
1:07:09
No, that's the same woman.
1:07:11
So, it's the same girl just experiencing two very different things.
1:07:17
And so, that was amazing to play this this woman.
1:07:20
And and I knew who she was and I created her as a character.
1:07:23
I knew what she valued, what she wanted.
1:07:27
And I was, you know, we're fortunate enough as an audience to see both things play out.
1:07:31
It is weird because I I'm very into I do have those existential, like, if I did make this decision, what would have happened? doors.
1:07:40
And and how, you know, how how would things have panned out?
1:07:42
And the reason why I I loved the script so much when I read it was she's okay in both lives. She ends up being okay. Wow.
1:07:54
And there is no one path that you go, oh, that was the right path, or that was the wrong path.
1:08:00
It's truly just two different paths.
1:08:02
And I think especially in your 20s, things happen every day.
1:08:09
Relationships end, things, you know, people you can get pregnant and you think, oh, my whole life is just gone, or or my whole world is shifting.
1:08:20
And I don't think that's always a I don't think that's a has to be a bad thing. Yeah.
1:08:23
I think there are millions of ways your life can turn out.
1:08:28
It's based off decisions you make every single day.
1:08:32
But in the end, things are okay. Yeah. Things end up okay.
1:08:35
I think if you stop and put too much thought into every decision you make, you're going to live a very treacherous life of feeling like you're walking on eggshells.
1:08:45
I think it's it's a a matter of saying, I mean, I personally like to look at it as the universe has my back. Yeah.
1:08:52
And so, I think this film also resonates with how I feel in that regard of this woman had two she had a positive pregnancy test and a negative one and you see two possible scenarios out of a million of what her life could have been and and you see the journey she goes on through both and how she still has the same ambition and she doesn't lose herself in in in in having a child.
1:09:22
She still stays who she is and she doesn't lose her ambition and when she goes to LA and goes through the hardships of trying to make her career work she doesn't give up, you know, it's sort of a perseverance story and and how you don't have to lose yourself in the things that happen to you. You can still stay you. Yeah.
1:09:43
The thing that resonates most with me with that message and the whole conversation we've had today is this idea that even in one life you can be so many things.
1:09:52
And I think we always are trying to make this choice as you're saying like it's like well do I do this and how will that impact me or do I do this and it's like you could probably do both.
1:10:01
I mean we've probably you've lived so many different lives and I know most people So have you. Yeah, so have I.
1:10:06
And most people I know have lived loads of different lives and I think we feel forced to live one life and one truth. Mhm.
1:10:14
And I don't think that's true for anyone in reality and when you force yourself to live one life and one truth you actually limit what you started with was with all these experiences and all these experiments and an openness to all these feelings.
1:10:30
So you know, I I like that idea of the two lives into ultimately that both work out okay and recognizing in one life you can live three lives or seven and things can be okay. Yeah.
1:10:41
With that in mind I want to shift towards you've made so many changes in your diet, your health, you've experienced chronic fatigue, you know, and we haven't talked about that so let's let's dive into that actually deeply.
1:10:54
I've been through chronic fatigue it it a long time It it led to uh deeper gut issues.
1:10:59
It It's led to so many lifestyle changes.
1:11:01
It was stuff that also just snuck up on me without me even being aware.
1:11:06
Because I was living so much in the mind and my heart that I wasn't even aware of what my body was going through.
1:11:11
And so I was, you know, grounding back into my body.
1:11:15
How does it feel to live your career and experience chronic fatigue?
1:11:17
You know, actor days are sometimes 18-hour days, if not more.
1:11:21
Early mornings, late nights.
1:11:23
I think people don't realize the lifestyle of making a movie or making a show where you're in a trailer all day.
1:11:30
It's not the most comfortable, inspiring atmosphere as people think the career may be.
1:11:37
How does that work with chronic fatigue and diet and eating on time?
1:11:41
I mean, I say to myself, I'm like, "Damn, I'm in the wrong career."
1:11:42
Not I don't actually believe that, but, you know, when I when I I'm someone who very much needs at least 8 hours to function.
1:11:53
So, sometimes when it's a 4-hour turnaround or I have to get up and go on a plane quickly, I'm like, "Oh god, this is a challenge for me."
1:12:00
But because it's something that I love to do so much, I truly just run off of the pure joy I find in what I do.
1:12:12
And it's not so like, you know, I I take naps when I can.
1:12:18
But I also am very much under like now at this point in my life really taking my gut health seriously.
1:12:23
Trying I've treated my body like a junkyard for a very long time with what I've been eating.
1:12:31
And it it's it's got to a point where earlier this year I knew I needed to make real changes because I was so unhappy with how I looked one, but also I felt that I was doing a great disservice to my body.
1:12:47
I spend so much time trying to better my mental health and I don't put any of that into my physical body.
1:12:53
And there's all this new research on how depression is directly related to your gut and and all these things, and I'm like, okay, we're going to take this seriously.
1:13:04
And it is a truly reprogramming of bad patterns and habits that I've grown up just immediately going to the fast food, to processed foods, and and it's truly been about educating myself on the better options and reading ingredients and choosing the less convenient alternative.
1:13:23
And I actually think that the chronic fatigue has slowly started to improve because of it. happy to hear that. I mean, me too.
1:13:32
It's been I've been dealing with this basically since I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14.
1:13:39
So, it's it's just now and it it's always I don't know if it'll fully cure itself with my with my diet. We're getting there.
1:13:46
We're trying, but it is a it's an everyday thing, small steps, not trying to completely change everything all at once.
1:13:54
And I think obviously in these hard times, food is a great comfort and offers a lot of to me at least it's it can be very comforting.
1:14:05
So, I do turn to food sometimes to to fill that sort of emotional need, but again, recognizing that, not judging myself for it, just trying to make healthier decisions overall is what I'm very much trying to do. Me, too. Yeah.
1:14:22
Yeah, I can relate to everything you just said.
1:14:24
So, It's a daily practice. it's a daily practice.
1:14:26
How would you describe your current purpose in life?
1:14:31
Like, you know, as in where you're at right now or even today or purpose and the reason why I asked that is because I believe that you know, when you're healing, when you're growing, when you're going through all these journeys, like there's somewhat of an intention, Yeah. if you will. Mhm.
1:14:45
is your intention then if that's easier?
1:14:47
My intention and I've actually had this intention for a very long time.
1:14:53
And I I I don't really believe that, you know, you make a birthday wish if you you don't tell don't tell someone your wish, you know, like I ever since I can remember every time I've seen a shooting star, blown out birthday candles, my wish always has been I want to be happy. Mhm.
1:15:13
And I my intention is to find true happiness and and peace with myself. Mhm. And that is my purpose. Yeah. Right now. To to find that. And that's a big task.
1:15:31
But um but it is but that's the that's the intention and and to I find it so the spiritual journey has has been so encouraging to me because once you start, you never stop.
1:15:46
It's it's not something that one day you're going to go, "I'm healed. I'm good. I'm done."
1:15:52
It's truly a for the rest of my life I will be seeking out growth and that is so I'm so happy about that. It is.
1:16:02
I'm like I will always there's always more things to learn.
1:16:04
There's always something else to explore within myself and that is so exciting and wonderful. Yeah. I love that. I am I you're so right.
1:16:15
Like the feeling of something ending or figuring something out is where all the pressure comes. Right?
1:16:21
When you're trying to complete something or you're trying to end something or you're trying to get something over the finish line.
1:16:25
Like that's where all the stress and pressure and intensity comes from.
1:16:29
Whereas when you say "Well, I'm pretty much going to live with this."
1:16:34
I had someone the other day ask me actually it's just jogged my memory.
1:16:38
Someone said to me they were like, "Well, how do I forget my past so I can move forward.
1:16:44
I was like, you probably won't forget your past.
1:16:48
And it's probably not a useful place to put your focus Right. to forget your past. Yeah.
1:16:53
And knowing you'll never forget it liberates you, and then you can actually move forward and keep developing.
1:16:57
And I find that sometimes our fixations are on completely the wrong target. I agree.
1:17:04
And so we spend all this time trying to forget something. Yeah.
1:17:06
Not And knowing that pretty much none of us can actually physically do that.
1:17:10
Well, that's what I I feel about our conversation.
1:17:11
I'm like, damn, I truly have been thinking I need to find myself, and now I am Oh, I actually need to just create it. Yeah. So that's been Yeah. Thank you for that.
1:17:23
That has been a Well, you led us there. impactful. Yeah.
1:17:26
Thank Well, you led us there. Well.
1:17:29
We we got there together. We got it together.
1:17:30
All right, now we'll go to the final five.
1:17:31
These have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.
1:17:35
Okay, one word to one sentence maximum.
1:17:36
One sentence is I don't know what the official breakdown is, maybe seven words.
1:17:39
I don't know, I'm making it up. Okay, okay.
1:17:41
All right, so what is the best advice you've ever received?
1:17:45
I will say my dad always told me growing up, find a job that makes you happy.
1:17:49
Have a career in something that makes you happy.
1:17:51
It makes the world of a difference. That's grace. Yep.
1:17:52
Uh second question, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? Probably don't cry. Yeah.
1:18:00
Question number three, uh something special that your mom did for you when you called her all those times, something that you remember that stood out.
1:18:08
I think just her telling me that she would be there whenever I needed her.
1:18:13
Sometimes just hearing that is so calming. Mhm.
1:18:18
So her her reassurance that you can text me when you need me. Mhm. Okay. Thank you. Absolutely. I love that.
1:18:23
Uh question number four, something you think people misunderstand about you if they don't know you deeply.
1:18:32
I think my outspokenness I think is sometimes misinterpreted as ignorance.
1:18:43
Whereas or attention-seeking, whereas I just sometimes can't keep my thoughts to myself. Yeah.
1:18:53
But it's never from a bad place.
1:18:53
It's from a place of let's have a conversation, not this is my opinion and it's right.
1:18:58
It's no, I'm just trying to add my bit to the conversation whether it's helpful or not. Yeah.
1:19:04
That's going to be there. I love that.
1:19:06
And fifth and final question, which we ask every guest since day one is if you could create one law in the world that everyone had to follow, what would it be? Yeah. Could be anything. Take your time. Take your time.
1:19:19
This is a Okay, one law anyone had to follow.
1:19:23
The law that I would create is you are not allowed to tell another human being what they can and cannot feel. Period. That's a great one.
1:19:32
We've never had that before. Okay, good.
1:19:34
I was going to I bet people probably said that before. No, no, no, no, no.
1:19:36
That's And it's And it's completely aligned with with this episode. Yeah.
1:19:40
Uh everyone, Lili Reinhart, so grateful to have had this amazing conversation with you.
1:19:45
I could talk to you for hours. We have talked.
1:19:46
It's It was so much fun getting to know you and honestly hearing about your journey in such a intimate, vulnerable way was so special for me personally. me as well. Thank you.
1:19:56
I've been so looking forward to this. thank you. I had such a great time.
1:19:58
And everyone who's been listening or watching back at home, I want to make sure that you share what stood out to you.
1:20:06
I think there were so many incredible things that Lili mentioned genuinely.
1:20:09
So many amazing points, so many insights, so many great reflections that she had and I love knowing what connected with you because And I know she'd love to know too.
1:20:19
She's nodding along if you're not watching.
1:20:21
Uh she she'd love to know too.
1:20:23
So please do tag us on Instagram, on TikTok, on Twitter. You're allowed.
1:20:28
Uh TikTok, Instagram, Twitter.
1:20:30
Like do you us to let us know what stood out, what was the point, what was the part because this is one of those ones that I think you're going to listen to a few times.
1:20:36
And as I said before, there are moments in this episode that I want you to repeat and listen to over and over again, maybe multiple times a week because that repetition to hear that message again is what really gives us that permission to do it in our lives.
1:20:51
Lilly, any final words, any thoughts, anything you want to share? Yeah. Just thank you.
1:20:55
Thank you for having a space to talk about things that I 2 years ago didn't know were things to talk about.
1:21:03
So, I'm very grateful to have come into this world of wellness genuinely and uh that you create this environment for the conversation. Thank you.
1:21:13
I I deeply appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you.
1:21:16
If you want even more videos just like this one, make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here.
1:21:22
I'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book Think Like a Monk from thinklikeamonkbook. com.
1:21:31
Check below in the description to make sure you order today.