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The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.
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0:31
Please welcome to On Purpose, Montero Lil Nas X.
0:33
Thank you so much for being here. I'm happy to be here.
0:36
I'm happy to talk about stuff.
0:38
I'm happy to talk about stuff, too, and I wanted to start off with I know that you love time travel. Yeah.
0:45
Yeah, I heard you were obsessed with time travel, and when I heard that, I was like, "That sounds like something I'd love to hear more about."
0:49
Where does that obsession come from? come from?
0:51
I love the idea that you can go and change anything in the past, or go to the future to like to see what's going on.
1:00
I guess it's it's like a form of escapism that I just really enjoy, you know, and I like to explore it in my art a lot. Yeah.
1:07
Where have you explored changing things in the past?
1:12
Like, what what would be fascinating for you to visit and see? Changing in the past. You know what?
1:16
When I was younger, I always thought like that's something I would want to do, but as I grow older, I I don't think I want to change anything in the past.
1:22
I guess I want to go to the future and maybe ask myself like, "What do I do now?"
1:29
I mean, cuz it's kind of like where I'm at in my life right now.
1:30
It's like, "What did What did What did you do to get to where you are?"
1:34
Cuz I know I'm in that place, but I'm not there right now. Yeah. Yeah.
1:39
Where did the fascination come from?
1:41
Where did it originate from?
1:44
Where did it originate from?
1:44
I'd say the Back to the Future II movie, not the first one, but the second one, and a lot of Family Guy episodes when Brian and Stewie like go to the past. Yeah. Yeah.
1:55
One of the things you said in the documentary was you said that Lil Nas X helped you understand more about Montero. Uh-huh.
2:02
And you know, the documentary's called Long Live Montero.
2:07
I wanted to understand from you who is Montero and who's Lil Nas X?
2:13
I think Montero was at first like this very shy, super insecure kid.
2:24
And you know, had big dreams but I guess was just very afraid of like even being like himself.
2:30
And me becoming Lil Nas X, it was almost a persona, you know?
2:33
And he could kind of just do whatever he wants and he can do anything and he can move on to the next thing and and not really be pigeonholed to like anything, you know?
2:46
And he helped Montero morph into that person. Mhm. Mhm. If that makes sense.
2:54
Yeah, it does make sense.
2:56
And was Lil Nas X, even if not by name, was that a character, an energy that you harnessed when you were young?
3:02
Was that a feeling you had when you were young or was it something that evolved through time?
3:05
I think it's something that evolved through time, like through music.
3:09
I think my enthusiasm or just like my hunger to grow musically like pushes me to do things in my personal life that I would not do.
3:23
And it's like not even just my personal life anymore because it's like public now.
3:27
And I know if I'm not able to do those things, I can't continue to be Lil Nas X or at least that's how it works in my head. Yeah.
3:36
I mean, I think a lot of people can relate to that.
3:38
I think we all have the little kid inside of us that's insecure and anxious and doesn't know how people are going to react.
3:45
And I think we all feel like we wish we had an alter ego or a version of ourselves that was stronger and bolder and more courageous.
3:54
What what kind of qualities does Lil Nas X have that you love and adore?
3:58
I feel like Lil Nas X knows how to navigate any situation.
4:03
He knows how to find his way out of things that may seem like very like dark and daunting.
4:09
And he helps Montero do that.
4:13
I feel like that's one of the reason why I call it Long Live Montero cuz I I still hope that innocent little boy inside of me like remains, you know?
4:24
Because I think you need that balance of, you know, that courageous and you can do whatever and still like scared, like fearful, but excited, you know?
4:37
Yeah, so it's not like you're trying to remove the fear.
4:41
You just You actually want to protect that innocence.
4:43
I want to protect that innocence and I don't I think it's less like removing the fear and more so being able to do things even when you're fearful.
4:50
And I it's like I'm showing the the younger me that exists within within me like, you can do this. You can do this. We can do this.
4:57
It's going to be scary, but but let's go for it and see what happens.
5:03
So, there's this quote in the documentary where you said, "My mind is hardwired since I was a kid that if you eff up one time, you have to quit the whole thing."
5:13
And my question is when have you felt that you've done that in life?
5:16
Or have you ever felt that kind of fear and then pushed through because Lil Nas X came through?
5:21
You know, after the success of like Old Town Road and whatnot, I had like this dark like period of like, oh god, like what do I do?
5:32
And I put out like my song Holiday like before like right before Montero came out.
5:38
And it just wasn't living up to what I had hoped for.
5:43
And like I was in a hotel room and I was just like telling myself like how much like I hate myself, you know, and just like how do how did you let this how did you mess this up and Wow.
5:57
and how did you get here and like it's nothing we can do now.
6:00
Like there's no reason for us to be here and I guess that's like the childish like like brat inside of me that is not comfortable working from the ground up, you know?
6:12
And in my introduction to the music industry was already at the top, you know, like Yeah.
6:21
It's it's a hard thing to live from and in a sense, you know what I mean? Abs- abs- absolutely. Yeah.
6:25
So It's the hardest thing to follow up with one of the most successful drops of all time. Yeah.
6:34
How did you process that?
6:37
I knew I was going to do it.
6:39
I didn't know how I didn't know how I was going to continue, but what it took was me bringing out another side of myself, which was like Montero call me by your name.
6:47
And with that though, I had to let go of this um this like childlike innocence like the public had with me, I guess.
6:56
Yeah, I want to dive into your uh childhood actually.
7:00
I was going to ask you like what what would you believe would be your favorite memory growing up?
7:03
Like if you were to close your eyes right now and think about Atlanta, Georgia, what's the vision or the visual that comes to mind or your heart that resonates and connects with love?
7:15
I went immediately to this one, but I don't even know if it's mine.
7:21
But it's like me in front of my like grandma's house and I'm just like running around a tree like I don't know.
7:32
But I feel like that's one of my first memories, you know? Yeah.
7:37
And it's just like bliss. Where was that?
7:39
Like what where was that house? What did it look like? What are you seeing?
7:42
It was actually an apartment and it was um it was in Bankhead Courts, Atlanta.
7:46
It was like basically the hood, you know what I mean?
7:49
But at that time, you know, everything felt all right. So, yeah. Yeah.
7:54
And how old are you in this memory or this like I was maybe like five. Wow.
7:58
It was right before the tree got cut down, too. Yeah.
8:05
Kind of symbolic in a way. In what way? I don't know.
8:08
I guess um life increasingly became more like real. Mhm.
8:16
Things started to happen within like, you know, my family life and also at that time recognizing even at that age like, you know, my sexuality and whatnot. Mhm.
8:29
And I feel like it, you know, became like a rocky like ship Mhm. that moment.
8:32
Is that when you started to become more aware of your sexuality?
8:37
Was that an age that it started to become Yeah, I mean cuz that was the the age I started to become like aware of myself and it was also like becoming aware of the world around me, you know?
8:48
And it's like, oh, this thing that's really bad that nobody seems to like Mhm.
8:54
I happen to be that thing.
8:58
But maybe I'm maybe, you know, maybe it's not that bad.
9:00
But also, you know, God's like probably super mad at me.
9:02
And I don't want God to think I'm like being disrespectful or anything.
9:07
I'm and it's like you know what I mean?
9:11
All those things that I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about at like six. Definitely. That's a lot.
9:17
That's heavy to be thinking about at six. Yeah. Yeah.
9:18
It's a lot, I think for anyone to be processing at six years old.
9:24
It's a lot of things to be questioning.
9:25
I mean, you in that memory you talked about your grandmother and I know that your when your great grandmother passed, that was the first person that was close to you that you lost. Yeah.
9:34
And that was when you leaned into music. Mhm.
9:37
How old were you when that happened considering that memory you have that you just visualize?
9:43
How old were you when that happened and how did that make you lean into music?
9:47
You you know, I actually that actually happened when I was maybe 18. So Wow.
9:52
But at that time my dad had already had custody cuz I used to live with my grandmother from like when I was like uh like five until like 11 and I was just like the golden child.
10:06
I was like spoiled and like I got so much love and I was like you know I was the baby of the family.
10:11
So once my dad got custody of us, you know, he played like much more like hardball kind of vibes and I didn't see my grandmother as much but she was still like number one person in my heart when I like thought about like love and you know, around 16 or so like I was told she had cancer and it was it was like the it was like this thing that I was like, oh, it it can't be true and I kind of just like tried to forget like it exists.
10:38
I'm like, oh, she's still alive.
10:40
Like, you know, maybe that was just like Denial?
10:42
Yeah, I think it was like a lot of denial even like when I was around her like, you know, noticing that she was like getting skinnier and like like looking different and she would like say things like, you know, I'd be like, "Grandma, I love you."
10:57
and she'd be like, "You know, I don't love myself." and and stuff like that.
11:01
And it was just it was really hard to like hear and listen to this person that you have so much love for like lose like faith in life and just like the world in general and it's like it's also the person that has took on a role of being the back of the family for so many people like, you know, of the the person you know, the grandmother like she has like the family reunions.
11:25
She has everybody over for Thanksgiving.
11:26
She watches the kids like that's like a big thing in the black community and whatnot.
11:32
And and now like, you know, she I guess like feel feel cheated by life.
11:39
And, you know, I guess I could feel that through the way she would carry herself at that time.
11:43
And so it was really hard when she passed and then it was something I tried to like brush over. Yeah, yeah. I It's interesting.
11:50
I actually lost my uncle when I was around around your age at that time and he was he also was diagnosed with throat cancer.
11:59
So I was really close to my uncle.
11:59
He was He taught me how to drive.
12:01
He helped me get my first job.
12:04
He used to own like a news shop and, you know, sell newspapers and stuff.
12:07
So he would like let me work out in the work in the shop and make a little pocket money.
12:10
And and then when he died it was really interesting for me because I was getting more into spirituality at the time and he was really angry that I was getting into spirituality.
12:20
And so he was so mad at me.
12:20
And like, you know, when he was really really unwell he'd be like, "I hope you're not going to get spiritual and I hope that's not going to be your path."
12:28
And so he was kind of losing that positive spark.
12:31
He was always like this positive energy and then towards the end of his life he was more angry than anything else.
12:39
And it was uh yeah, it was a really interesting experience going, you know, going from someone that again loved me so much, helped me so much, someone that I was very close to, to then feeling like he actually didn't like who I was becoming.
12:54
How did you feel your grandmother's love evolve for you? I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry about that. Oh, no.
12:59
Thank you for You You You inspired me to be vulnerable and share back with you because Yeah, I guess we both lost someone that we cared about at a similar time.
13:08
Um but yeah, how did your grandmother's love evolve for you from that 5 to 11 age when you were living with her?
13:13
Like How do you How do you think she loved you that stayed with you?
13:16
I guess that's like afterwards five um or like during the time? Both.
13:22
You know, my grandmother's um like one of those things that that she really loved when you know life I guess wasn't like great like where we lived and you know our like financial situation and just like you know the what comes with you know getting older in life.
13:41
I you know I got I got all the love I got all the love and you know sadly my siblings got the other end of that stick I guess.
13:50
And you know around the time my dad got cancer I didn't feel like that special child anymore which is probably good for my young ego you know like feeling like I had to be like that one all the time and I guess I kind of stopped seeing my grandmother as much. Mhm.
14:11
I'd go over there like a lot of the weekends what not but you know it was just like the thing that I I can't be there anymore. Mhm.
14:18
And and then eventually like she passed away and it was just like just very confusing. Mhm.
14:24
Do you remember the first song that you made after her passing or anything that any music that came from that?
14:29
I made a song called like carry on and I was it was pretty much about how I like felt like very selfish about not being there when she passed away. Mhm.
14:39
when she passed away. Mhm. When I was supposed to be there that day you know but I was so stuck on social media you know what I mean and I was so like really like into Twitter and trying to you know build that even though I know
14:57
my grandmother's like on her last days and it was just like I just felt like very selfish because it was you know like this person that showed you so much love showing you so much love and you're not there because you're like a trying to get these people's attention online. Mhm. Yeah I think a lot of Mhm.
15:15
Yeah I think a lot of people can relate to that too.
15:17
You get so obsessed with your career or direction or path and it's working and it's winning and there's momentum. Yeah.
15:26
And and we all kind of, you know, and you and you were young when that happened for you, but a lot of people into their 30s, 40s, 50s will, you know, attest to that and put their hand up and say, you know, they've done that where they've over-prioritized their career to their relationships.
15:42
How's that shifted how you've lived since then?
15:44
Like that reflection or realization that you've had? I'll be honest.
15:48
I'll say I was still kind of like that way up until these last like maybe 2 years Mhm.
15:56
of I guess my break from like music or whatnot.
15:58
I've started to really actually like cherish like being with my family and stuff cuz it's like these people are growing up so fast.
16:08
Like the like the my nieces and nephews and you know, you see that on TV and you feel like it's like cliche or whatnot, but it it's happens like so fast and I feel like the older I get, the faster these years like somehow go by. Mhm.
16:18
And uh yeah, yeah, pretty much.
16:23
Yeah, that's a wise realization to have at 24. I'll tell you that.
16:26
Like that's that's early.
16:28
I think most people that I speak to, again, like you're saying, we hear the cliche, we see it, but I'd say most people don't get to that realization until they're like 30, 40, maybe even later on in life, you know?
16:40
It's it's a weird one because you kind of feel like you'll be the exception. Yeah. Right?
16:44
Like everyone feels like they'll be the exception.
16:48
Maybe their life will go slow where they'll have time for everything.
16:50
Uh there was another line in the documentary that really resonated with me.
16:54
There were so many things.
16:54
I I can't wait for everyone to watch the documentary, honestly, because as someone who knew your music, was aware of you, I felt like I got really invited into your stream of consciousness during it.
17:08
And I so appreciated I found your thinking out loud to be extremely comforting even though we've never met each other and we don't know each other. Yeah.
17:16
And there was so many things that you said where I was like, oh, I can relate to that in some way and this was this was another one.
17:22
You said, a lot of the times when I'm scared, it's when I'm about to do something that will change my life drastically.
17:29
And I was going to ask you, what scares you the most right now or what do you feel fearful about right now that you think might be on the verge of changing your life drastically. Huh.
17:40
I think just like my place right now in my actual like career in like these last like couple of weeks.
17:45
You know, I've never been here like mentally and actually like physically, you know, where you've like been so like focused and like zoned in on what you're doing and you push your art out into the world and it's kind of like received negatively by like the majority. You know what I mean? Mhm.
18:14
But then like also understanding why, you know, and and having to like see it through.
18:18
So I guess that's that's where I'm at right now and my next move, you know, the things that I'm planning on right now, I I feel like somewhere in here there's going to be this magical moment that I can't even take credit for and it's Yeah, I feel like that's that's going to sweep.
18:37
I feel like that always happens.
18:39
So Yeah, there's always magic in the messiness. Yeah. But it's not fun. No, not at all. That's it's been a lot. Yeah.
18:48
No, we'll we'll get to that as well.
18:49
There was there was another line that kind of sparked what you just said now.
18:52
You said you talked about wanting a little bit of chaos.
18:56
Like there's a part of you that likes a little bit of chaos.
18:57
And I was going to ask you, what does positive chaos look like to Montero and what does negative chaos look like?
19:02
I think that the thing is it's usually when I can control it.
19:08
I I've lost I don't I don't think I have the grip on controlling it.
19:10
It I feel like it does a lot of what it wants now, you know? Yeah.
19:16
I'm usually like strategic with things and I can kind of like move the conversation, but that's the chaos I like. Yeah. Yeah.
19:26
It's it's it's kind of like a kid that starts a fire and it's in the under control.
19:31
Yeah, and then As opposed to a forest fire.
19:32
And then it's like in the it's like, oh, this is not this wasn't supposed to this is not my chaos. Yeah.
19:38
But yeah, I like to keep things interesting or whatnot and Yeah.
19:43
Yeah, lead the conversation around it, but Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
19:45
I think what I think all of us love that.
19:47
We I love and I appreciate the honesty.
19:49
Like I think we all love chaos that's under control and that we can control. Yeah.
19:53
Drama that we can control, but then as soon as it and and it's funny because it always starts like that, right?
19:59
Like even a forest fire starts because there was a little controllable fire, but then it spread really really fast. Yeah.
20:06
And that feeling of things leaving your grip is like the most uncomfortable feeling in the world when you feel something just like It's the worst.
20:13
It's it's the worst feeling ever. Yeah.
20:15
When when you feel that way, when you've created something and then it takes a life of its own, so you've experienced it positively and challengingly.
20:24
How do you process that or how do you allow yourself to be okay with creating something controlled and then it becomes fully chaotic and out of your control? allow it.
20:32
It can get almost like depressing, but you know, actually depressing and it can you can become like super angry with yourself as I said like earlier or whatnot. Yeah.
20:42
And yeah, I mean it it it gets that deep. Yeah. Yeah.
20:49
Yeah, cuz you said recently and as you brought up the last 2 weeks, you said you said you felt like you really messed up this time and I was like, you know, and you were saying that it affected your mental health, right?
21:00
Like it really felt like it affected your mental health and I'm like, why did you feel that way and and in what way does it affect your mental health?
21:09
I already kind of like explained the situation, you know, in that video.
21:11
But it was it was this thing that artistically it was just supposed to be like I'm returning. Like I'm back.
21:19
I'm back like him, you know what I mean?
21:22
And it turned into this whole thing where it was me trying to dunk on Christians or something.
21:31
And that was never like what it was, never.
21:36
And then and then I then I looked at the video with me like eating like the communion or whatnot.
21:39
And I was like, "Okay, this looks really bad on paper, this thing that I thought was just like a little jokey fun video.
21:50
I also had to think about like how many of my family members are like Christian, like my grandmothers and stuff and, you know, like aunties and and things like that.
21:58
And I'm like, "Wow, like do they see this as that, too?"
22:04
If they do, like, you know, that's that's really messed up and it is you know, it made me sad.
22:10
And then, you know, on top of that, like seeing like actual fans like turn and say like, "Whoa, why is he doing this?
22:20
Why does he keep messing with these people?"
22:22
And I I think another thing was messages got turned around and because one got turned around, the idea of Montero Call Me By Your Name, which is me like taking ownership of this place everybody tells you I'm going to go, and that was just turned into, "Oh, he's teaching Christianity a lesson."
22:36
When that's not the case, you know?
22:40
And now this thing was just like, "Oh, I'm Jesus.
22:44
I'm I'm back like Jesus."
22:44
Which is if anything, it's it's it's like a homage to Jesus, like this guy that made the greatest comeback of all time.
22:51
And I'm not the first artist to do such a thing.
22:55
That message like turned around and I didn't know I didn't know how to like do anything with it.
23:01
It wasn't my chaos anymore.
23:01
It was the world's and anything anybody said was true because that's who I am as a person.
23:08
I'm I'm this troll and I want to make these people mad. Mhm.
23:13
And so everybody can run with that. Mhm.
23:15
And there's nothing I can do about that.
23:17
I can I can say as many things as I want, but knowing my history they look right, I look wrong. Yeah. Yeah.
23:24
But I think the way you addressed it and you're addressing it right now is is helpful and useful to people because I think it came across very clearly to me and it does today, too, even sitting with you like it's not something you're trying to disrespect or mock.
23:38
But for people who feel that way, what would you say to them?
23:41
Like for someone who feels that that is what it is, What would you them? Yeah.
23:45
What would you want them to hear?
23:47
It's probably a better question.
23:48
You know what's You know what's crazy?
23:50
I I I I feel like I've said, you know, I apologized for the communion thing.
23:53
On on on that note, everything else I'm not sorry about.
23:58
I don't I don't think I did anything wrong. You know what I mean?
24:03
And it's like I've also been making like a lot of like gospel music like to to like God and and like like my spiritual side.
24:15
And I hate that this whole thing has turned into like a mockery, which it isn't, you know. Mhm.
24:21
Yeah, no, thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it.
24:22
And and I think there's also like I was going to actually maybe maybe that's a good thing to talk about.
24:27
Like obviously your father's a gospel singer, right? Yeah.
24:30
What I would love for you to talk about your relationship with your father to give kind of context to the conversation we're having right now because I'm not sure how many people are aware of your deep Christian roots.
24:39
So walk walk us through some of your relationship with your father and how that's evolved.
24:47
Which comes across in the documentary for sure.
24:49
I feel like me and my father has have grown closer as I got older cuz the version of me that he saw wasn't really me.
24:58
It was the version that I presented to him.
25:01
So, as I've like come out and whatnot, like even before I came out though with my dad, um well, when I did initially came out to when I initially came out to my dad, he was just like, you know, the devil may be tempting me or whatnot.
25:13
And it's definitely taken its own journey because now like my dad is like, "Yo, do you have a boyfriend?" kind of vibe.
25:20
Like you can tell me about that stuff.
25:21
Like you can let me know that any You know, he even came to me he even came with me to like a gay club with like my brothers and sisters one time just like dancing and stuff.
25:32
It's It's been a complete like, um one eighty.
25:36
that feel like because from going from, you know, coming out to your parents and your father saying, "Yeah, you know, the devil" I mean, that is a really extreme, obviously, reaction on one end.
25:43
And now coming with you to a gay club, like how does that transition even A, how does that transition happen? B, how does that feel?
25:53
I feel like it was an over time thing.
25:55
And also him like learning me as a person.
25:58
Like I feel like him seeing me in interviews and stuff like that was like the same for everybody else.
26:03
Like every I feel like the entire world started see me.
26:08
My brothers and sisters, my family, everybody started to see me at the same time. You know what I mean?
26:15
I feel like before that I was just very like meek about everything.
26:20
So, over time, you know, with Call Me By Your Name coming out and and like the entire like Montero album like roll out and me inviting him and like listening to my songs on my last album, that's how he learned about me.
26:32
And I feel like him hearing me from my own mouth and like in the world and seeing me in the world like help him understand me more.
26:38
And I feel like over time he was like, "Okay. I I I understand now. You know what I mean?"
26:47
It feels like you've also always had this compassion for people who don't always understand you.
26:52
Like even when you say when you when you when you first told your father like and he had that reaction of maybe the devil's tempting you, you actually understood that.
27:00
Like there was a part of you that went, "Oh, I get that."
27:04
And then there's other parts in the documentary true when you have protesters outside and again you're like, "I'm actually happy that they have something that they belong to and they stand for."
27:14
Like there's a there's a compassion and context that you seem to have even when you're the one who's trying to express yourself, you can see how it's hard for people to digest that.
27:25
Would that be fair to say? For sure.
27:28
I mean the truth is I feel like over like the last couple of years I've learned that everybody is against you is just like against you, you know?
27:38
There's a lot of like learned things, you know, a lot of things over time people have latched onto and in their brains it's hard to let go of.
27:44
brains it's hard to let go of. So, they see you as this way because of something that was, you know, far beyond their control, things they've been taught since they've like grew up, you know, like my dad has been taught and like shoved in his head, you know, and and everybody in the world like we all have
28:01
like ideals like put into our brains and I don't want to like try to be a thing which is easy to paint people who don't like you as like haters or just like evil and like bigot and whatnot, but it's like these people just genuinely don't understand you and inside of their mind like it's it's like fear, you know? It's like fear
28:24
It's like fear and it's it's like discomfort and there's all these things that the human mind wants to run from, you know?
28:36
And I understand that cuz I still have those things.
28:38
Yeah, we all we all see things in others that we don't understand.
28:42
And as soon as we don't understand something, the most human emotion is to feel fear.
28:47
Any sort of change makes us feel fear. Any sort of uncertainty.
28:51
And so, if someone we look at someone and we feel uncertain about them, it generally sparks fear.
28:55
That's how we've almost been conditioned as humans to just feel fear.
29:00
And so, as you've said before, you said some people see me as the satanic devil that is going to ruin the world.
29:10
Like when you when you say things like that, what are you actually trying to do?
29:14
When people see you that way, like what I'm interested in is when people see you that way, what are you actually trying to portray that sometimes gets seen that way?
29:21
It's more so um taking all these things that I believe have been used to like demonize me and a lot of other people and these conspiracies and it says, "Okay, this is what this looks like.
29:41
Is is this what you actually want to see?" You know what I mean?
29:46
Is this is this who you think I am?
29:51
Okay, I'm going to do those things.
29:53
I'm going to do those things you think I'm like this, so I'm going to do these things.
29:58
When you're building a new album, building a new song, making a music video, what's your artistic process?
30:03
Like where does it start?
30:03
Like what like what happens? Is it you taking notes? Is it journaling?
30:07
Is it working with your team, your dancers?
30:09
Like how does how does new work get created in Montero's world?
30:14
Can I can we pause for a second? Yeah, of course we can. Of course we can. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm with you.
30:18
You I want to step outside for a second. Of course you can. Yeah, absolutely. Of course you can, man. Of course you can. Let's open up the door. Take your time. Got you.
30:39
What would you like to say?
30:39
Where is it where's your heart?
30:42
Well, first say what I said out there.
30:43
Um I'm trying to be authentic and say, you know, words from my heart, but you know, I feel like it ends up sounding rehearsed.
30:57
And I guess um Yeah, I I I'm trying to get there.
31:05
But yeah, I'm doing my best.
31:08
But we can move from We can move from this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
31:14
And And all you can ever be asked for is doing your best, so can't ask for anything more.
31:17
And I think we're all in that We're kind of all in that pressure of trying to be authentic selves, but then you know, there's that There's that famous meme on social media that I see all the time that says, "Society says be yourself."
31:35
And then society says, "No, not like that." Yeah.
31:37
And I think, you know, we all kind of spend some time Oh, that's so That's authentic. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
31:48
You know, society doesn't really want like people to be like themselves and stuff like that. Just like to a degree. Yeah.
31:56
We Yeah, we want everyone to be authentic in a way that makes us feel good.
32:01
And the the truth is is if everyone was authentic, oh boy, this world would be insane. What would it be like?
32:05
It It would It would have some great things, but definitely like some terrible things, too. Yeah. Yeah.
32:12
So, it's probably better that everyone's a little less authentic.
32:18
It's an interesting conversation.
32:19
Authenticity is an interesting conversation.
32:21
it depends on what you see as better.
32:23
Like, positive and light, does that automatically equals like better?
32:26
Like, cuz it's I feel like some dark things help bring light, you know? Mhm. Balance. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. Yeah.
32:36
Yeah, it's almost like I feel like even internally when you're doing the work Shadow work and stuff like that.
32:42
You have to go through a lot of darkness.
32:46
You know, you got to understand like what you are capable of and Mhm.
32:50
and like who you are and decide not to do like like that that bad that you could do, you know? Mhm. Mhm. Yeah.
32:58
Do you do a lot of inner work?
33:00
Is that kind of I know you became spiritual and you got involved in a a bit of your own spirituality.
33:05
What is What does that look like exploring your own spirituality?
33:08
What does that look like in your definition in your words?
33:11
Yeah, I do a lot of like inner work and understanding like who I am and but also like the and like trying to let go of the pressures of I guess what I feel like society a lot of times will want me to be. Mhm.
33:25
You know, like this big brave like champion for the community which you know, I can't be at all times. You know what I mean?
33:35
I just want to do me sometimes.
33:37
Of course, like I want to do what I can, but I want it to come naturally and Is there a lot of pressure sometimes it feels like?
33:47
To always have to be I was joking about it with someone else the other day like whenever I'm around someone I always feel the pressure that I have to say something wise.
33:57
Because because that's the the kind of, you know, and so like when I'm around someone it's kind of like being around a comedian and you they have to be funny.
34:05
Yeah, like yeah, I think it's exactly that.
34:07
I think it's exactly that.
34:07
Even like with the funny thing sometimes, you know, cuz I'm online trolling and stuff.
34:13
I'm like I don't want to be funny right now.
34:14
I want to I want to I don't know.
34:16
I want to eat this food and and you know, not really talk to you.
34:20
I want to scroll on my phone a little bit and eat this food.
34:22
But the whole thing like even with like Montero still like riding on my back like we're talking about it right now and me like featuring the video and stuff and it's like that's just what I want to do.
34:35
It wasn't I'm not always trying to like make a deep message I guess like I guess if that makes sense. Yeah.
34:43
So sometimes you're just trying to have fun.
34:45
Not even just trying to have fun.
34:45
It's just a lot of things I do most things through my art are for me and just thankfully other people can see it as helping them.
34:55
It's coming as a form of self-healing and self-expression. Mhm.
35:01
And then if it connects with people then I like I pray it connects with you. Yes. But I don't know.
35:07
I'm not I'm not trying to be a martyr if that makes sense. Yeah.
35:11
I mean Rick Rubin was here a few months ago and he was saying something similar.
35:16
He was saying that he thinks that true art and true creativity is not made for consumption. Yeah.
35:26
In that it is consumed and it is loved and it is connected with but it wasn't created thinking well how are we going to find the thing that connects?
35:32
It's creating something that comes from within.
35:36
Would you agree with that?
35:36
Does that I agree I agree completely. I like Rick Rubin. Yeah. Yeah, I like his book.
35:43
I only I only skimmed I only like skimmed through it but I like it. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great book.
35:46
Did you When when do you feel you're connected to your most authentic 360 self?
35:51
Like what are you doing when you feel that way?
35:55
Because I know in the documentary it seemed like when you're with your dancers who are to your friends that felt like a form of self-expression and connectedness where you feel like you can let go and be funny and be larger than life and be creative.
36:08
Would you say that's where it comes through?
36:11
I'd say if anything it's when I'm creating music and I guess that's like the thing that an artist should say or what not but it's the truth when I'm like making a song and when I can completely like let go of how it's going to be received, I just feel like one, you know, I feel like everything has come to me.
36:35
All of my energy is not like all out into the world.
36:37
Like every like I feel like just one being like connected to everything.
36:42
It's a feeling like I I I can't describe.
36:45
Like no amount of success will ever like equate to it.
36:51
I don't know if I'll ever like find love that strong. I hope so. But but yeah.
36:55
That's the I think that's the thing we're all looking for, right?
36:58
Like we're all searching for like And and it's almost like you can't manufacture it.
37:02
Like you can't engineer it.
37:04
It either happens or it doesn't. fake it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
37:08
You feel it sometimes and sometimes you don't. Yeah. Yeah.
37:13
You said you wanted to stay the acceptable gay person at first.
37:17
And you didn't want to be the one that shoves it down everyone's throats.
37:18
And then now we're talking about again being authentic.
37:22
I think we're all always trying to we're always trying to play again to what people around us wanting to be.
37:27
And then and then it comes out.
37:28
How did you kind of go, "Well, no, no, no, I'm not going to do that.
37:31
I am going to allow myself to free myself."
37:32
I feel like it's a push and pull, you know?
37:35
Because of course there's still parts of me that, you know, want to please the people around me.
37:43
You know, I mean I I feel like that's the whole idea of like something being successful a lot of the times.
37:49
We got to make sure it's packaged enough to be authentic, but also able to be like digestible at the same time.
37:58
I almost feel like that's where we're all trying to exist.
38:00
There's this You You said something that resonated with me.
38:03
That I was going to read something from F. Scott Fitzgerald. Yeah.
38:07
And so he has this beautiful quote that I'm I'm fully obsessed with right now.
38:12
And it And it when I look at you as an individual, this is and you can reflect on whether you how you feel about it.
38:19
So he said that the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
38:34
In his words, one should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless, yet be determined to make them otherwise.
38:42
But what the way I'm reflecting on you is this idea of like you want to be doing things that are for the self, but then at the same time it needs to connect to people.
38:49
Like you want to be able to be who you are with your friends and your family and you realize that sometimes you got to tone down parts of yourself, but then sometimes you don't want to. Right?
39:00
We're constantly trying to All of us are trying to be two things, almost. Yeah, for sure. Why is it so hard then?
39:06
I don't know, and I feel like that goes back into the whole thing of like we are like not in control completely of things.
39:13
Like no matter what you do, how much preparation or whatnot, it's not something you control.
39:19
Like people going to love stuff or they won't. Absolutely.
39:21
You said about love there, you mentioned.
39:23
How do How does finding love play a role in your life when you know It's not always This year is the first year since 2021 that I'm going to be open to like finding love cuz I was kind of very closed off to it.
39:38
It's like, "No, no, no, I need to focus."
39:42
I have these I have really, really big dreams that I don't want to share with everybody. Yeah, yeah.
39:46
I have really, really big dreams and it's like I feel like anything that I can can see as a distraction can get in my way, but at the same time, like that whole contradicting thing love can help inspire you to make life even greater art. Mhm.
40:03
But but you know, I wanted to just have my like phase of being young and having fun with a lot of people if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I know what you mean. Yeah.
40:13
But don't you think again, it's it's interesting, right? Like it is daunting. I agree with you.
40:16
And yet I find that most people, of course, everyone wants to have a good time. I'm like that, too. Like I love laughing.
40:21
I love having a great time.
40:23
And at the same time, again, talking about the paradox or the contradiction, I also want to have meaningful connections because the last thing I want to do is have a superficial, artificial like conversation with someone.
40:35
So, it's like this it's funny how the things we find daunting are often things that even that person's kind of yearning for.
40:41
Like I don't think anyone's ever had a really deeply meaningful conversation and then walked away from it going, "That was a waste of time." Right?
40:48
Like do you know what I mean?
40:50
Like you're never going to say that.
40:51
Like you're never going to you know, like I had a dinner with someone in London recently and it was a group of us in a in a similar industry and everyone was being vulnerable and we were laughing and connecting, but everyone was sharing their pains.
41:02
And we walked away and no one was walking away going, "God, that was the worst dinner."
41:07
Everyone's going Yeah, everyone's going, "That's the one of the best dinners we've ever had."
41:09
And and I find that with artists it's it's it's hard to have that, I guess.
41:13
Like it's hard to find that.
41:15
And so, do you do you feel like the dance is a way you find that?
41:16
Like is that a place of safety and a place of joy?
41:21
I feel like that's definitely a place of joy. Yeah.
41:23
And I don't got to get super serious with them or barely like anyone for for that matter, you know, it's like Only me. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
41:35
You know, I I feel like I share most of my like therapy sessions at home alone with myself. Mhm.
41:41
And my cat's in the distance. Mhm.
41:44
But yeah, like talking out loud to myself when all the voices in my head are saying like the most crazy, terrible things you would ever hear a person say, it's useful. It's helpful.
41:54
How how ridiculous can the voice inside your head get?
41:58
Like what how far will it go?
42:00
Ridiculous as in like, you know, that time that I told you about like the hotel incident.
42:02
Like it's easy when you're like down or in like a in like a hard place for all those voices in your head to like gang up and say like, "Okay, this is the time."
42:13
It's like, "Everybody go, go, go."
42:15
And talking out loud can be that saving grace of a factor like "No, this isn't that bad.
42:24
This thing isn't that terrible.
42:26
We're going to get out of this thing.
42:28
We've been through worse.
42:28
We will go through worse.
42:29
So, we got to make sure we get out of this thing so we can know about the worse." Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
42:34
So, yeah, like that that helps a lot.
42:37
That's a great technique. Yeah, I fully agree.
42:39
I think when you're lost in your head and in the silence, oh my gosh, you have no idea which voice to follow, which voice to let lead.
42:47
It's the worst when you're like, "Oh, this terrible voice has a point." You know?
42:54
This one this one's saying something maybe I should listen to.
42:57
It's like, "No, he's not."
42:57
Like, that's a terrible idea. Yeah.
42:59
Have you ever used that technique where you label certain voices that you see as recurring and you give them a name and a and a way cuz they say that that's a great technique of your inner critic, like giving it a name, giving it a personality.
43:12
Have you Have you noticed certain ones that keep coming back?
43:13
I don't give them a name per se, but as I said like I'm a spiritual being and I feel like just like me, like I have my thoughts, my wants, and my purpose, that voice in my head was, you know, created by the universe.
43:30
It It has a job and I think its job is to give me just enough to fight against. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
43:38
So, it's like I don't hate this voice.
43:40
It's like, "You're a part of me. We're one. We're together. We're in this together. You're doing your thing.
43:45
I'm trying to do my thing, you know, but I can't listen I can't listen to you on this." That That's powerful.
43:50
That That the ability to not Yeah, the more we right there's that famous saying that says the more you resist it persists.
43:58
Like, it just keeps persisting if you keep kind of butting heads against them.
44:03
What you're saying is actually I don't hate it.
44:04
I just I recognize it's a part of me.
44:06
I see I know that's that's your thing.
44:07
That's literally why you're here.
44:09
I can't be mad at you for for filling your purpose. Like Yeah.
44:15
Yeah, you that is that you do have that quality like the ability to recognize that everything has its place and everyone has their place.
44:22
Where does that come from?
44:23
The compassionate like parts of me trying to make sense of everything.
44:29
I feel like it's so easy to label everything as as like as like a demon or just like a like a terrible just like dark thing.
44:37
But it's like this thing. It's it exists.
44:41
It has emotions and it has feelings just like you and it's just trying to do its thing. Yeah.
44:49
There was this one statement that reminds me of what you're saying now.
44:52
You said people feel a lot of things about me but boy do I love this kid. Yeah. In the dark.
44:58
How is how is that journey of I love this little Montero, this kid inside of me how is that developed?
45:05
Like what is that taken for you to get to a place of being able to say that like I love this kid because I think that's a journey we're all on.
45:11
I think and it's like something everybody knows but we we forget a lot but we're literally just all like the same person in like a different life path. You know what I mean?
45:28
And once I can really just understand and recognize that every single person has like these thoughts or form of like these thoughts that I have in my head, I know I shouldn't like feel bad about where I am or what I think and you know, what I'm doing because that's what this version of me is doing.
45:48
what this version of me is doing. Like that's that's where I am and I have to love him through it and like understand that he's going to make these you know, mistakes and he's going to have accomplishments and he's going to
45:59
have great times and he's going to have bad times and he's going to do amazing things and he's going to do terrible things and and it's like um I have to uh allow him to grow through that and me joining the world or anybody else and being hard on this kid is not going to help. Yeah, I was just saying the other day, I
46:15
Yeah, I was just saying the other day, I was saying to someone, you can't guilt yourself into growth. It's impossible.
46:20
Like you can't shame yourself or embarrass yourself into becoming better.
46:26
Like when was the last time you made someone feel guilty and they were like, "Yeah, I'm going to be the best person in the world now."
46:31
Like it doesn't work that way.
46:34
Yeah, I think cliche as it is, like, you know, love is really the the answer for that. How does it feel?
46:41
I know you're going to go today or tomorrow to show your family the documentary.
46:45
Like how does that make you feel to be able for them to be able to see this?
46:51
I want to be very like self-conscious. You know?
46:53
The whole time, like Yeah, just just like, "Oh my god, like what are they thinking about this?"
46:59
You know, I've I've said things in this documentary that they've never heard me Wow.
47:06
like say, you know, or my perspective on like a lot of different things.
47:08
And even them, you know, talking about them and how I feel close or not close with them.
47:14
Yeah, it's a lot Although it comes yeah, it comes across I'm hoping in a way that they can digest it.
47:23
There's a lot of love you have for your nephew. Yeah.
47:24
And and your relationship of him not wanting to see you differently.
47:30
Uh how is how is that relationship like progressed and cuz how old is he? He's young. He's 11.
47:35
He's about to be 12 this year.
47:38
I feel like, you know, he's he's one of the only people in my family that calls me like 24/7.
47:43
And I just really like appreciate that cuz, you know, before they get to like their age where they're just like too cool and whatnot, I'm happy to have like that person that's still I don't know, is inspired by me or still like loves me like all the same.
48:02
And and yeah, yeah, through all everything.
48:04
What would he say to you when he's calling you up?
48:05
Like what's the What What is he doing?
48:06
What's a 12-year-old saying?
48:09
You know kids like he he will call and kind of just like say, "Yo, what's up?"
48:13
And then just be like silent for a minute.
48:15
And and then And then he's like, "Yeah, I've been on Fortnite."
48:17
And like stuff like just like kid stuff. And I I love that.
48:21
It would It It makes things much smaller cuz in my head where I have all these things that I feel like are the big grandest like problems of my life and blah blah blah, you know, he's he's like in school like trying to get his grade up in science. You know what I mean?
48:38
It's like these things Yeah, it it it keeps me it keeps me like down to earth. Yeah. Mhm.
48:46
Yeah, it's like when my mom calls me up and I've been doing, you know, whatever crazy thing and then she's like, "Have you eaten today?"
48:53
Like that's what she cares about. Yeah, all those stuff.
48:54
It's like It makes everything much Like have you taken your vitamins?"
48:58
Like that's what my mom would say to me.
49:00
And I'm like, "Mom, like I'm at the White House." Or whatever it is.
49:03
She's just like, "Yeah, have you had your vitamins?"
49:05
Like it's the best thing though.
49:07
Yeah, it keeps you grounded.
49:08
Keeps you connected and you're right.
49:10
Like so often we just start getting lost in this, you know, this big vision of what we're doing and what we're creating.
49:17
And it kind of just pops the bubble where, you know, they come along and just go, "Yeah, it's not that big."
49:23
it much like smaller and easier to maintain in a way. Yeah. Yeah.
49:25
You said something about the family that really resonated.
49:30
You said, "How can we get everyone in a house within 5 years without me paying for it?"
49:35
And I was like, you know, what does that new level of relationship of desire mean to you?
49:40
Like what is What are you trying to create there?
49:42
Or where does that thought come from?
49:44
I feel like that opens a bigger like question or like current like problem in my life.
49:53
I'm like not a little boy anymore.
49:53
Like I'm a grown man and I have to take on like this this like leadership role and I feel like once you break society down, everything is still like tribes and whatnot.
50:06
And I have tribes, you know, like like on my family like like this is my tribe or you know, like my my team around me in my career like this is my tribe.
50:15
I have to get in the front of this and try to figure things out and like try to understand like how do these people work best?
50:23
Like how can I get you you know, to doing your best thing and how can I get you to doing your best thing so we can all progress?
50:30
Cuz of course you know, I got to get myself right first before I do anything but it's like also I have to understand like how can I help you? I'm in this place.
50:38
I believe the universe sent me here to try to try to fix things, you know?
50:44
It's like how do I build your confidence up like with my brothers and sisters?
50:48
Like how do I build your confidence up us all these people that grew up in these places where we've been told over and over in our life I even each other and our family members and and the world that we're not like how do I get you the confidence to to chase your own dream or if your dream's not something like grand grand, you know?
51:07
How do I get you to I don't know, be on my team and just something where you're happy and it's so hard to get people organized and organize things and realize that this is something I have to do it cuz if I don't do it it may not get done, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
51:24
And but yeah, I'm I'm I'm I'm at that place where I'm trying to figure that out.
51:28
Yeah, I can understand that.
51:28
It's it's hard cuz you got so many roles on your team.
51:33
Then there's family, there's friends coming up.
51:35
I mean, it's it's hard and it's hard to put everyone on too.
51:37
I mean, I've spoken to so many people who you know today like top musicians, artists, actors who've had that years ago where friends wanted to move from their hometown and come and join the team and then sometimes they didn't want to put in the work and sometimes they did and sometimes they made it.
51:57
Like I know a a friend of mine who's this person used to seat people at his shows 30 years ago and today she's directing documentaries with him. That's amazing. Right?
52:06
And it's like a beautiful journey and it's amazing for them to have, but then on the other hand you've also got friends who are given a route out but then they let the money and the fame and the drugs and alcohol and everything consume them and you recognize it's almost like you can only give people opportunities but they've got to take them for themselves.
52:22
Yeah, and that's that's hard to like come to grips with, you know?
52:27
Like you can give as many like speeches or or talks or like as much guidance as you want but it's just so hard to help some people up. Yeah, it is. It is.
52:38
But that's something that feels important to you.
52:39
Yeah, something that feels important.
52:40
It's also something that, you know, it crushes you a little bit.
52:43
it's back to that whole like factor of you can't control this thing. Yeah, you can't.
52:51
There's nothing you can do about this.
52:53
Yeah, I feel like this is this is not a question that me and you can solve here at all because it is almost a question of life but it's like how do we how do we deal with our lack of control every day?
53:04
Like how how do we deal with the fact that we can't control things or how do you deal with the fact that you can't control everything in in all of these areas, yeah?
53:14
Have you have you found any coping mechanisms that I have. Oh, cool. Okay.
53:18
And I have one main coping mechanism and it's so silly but it helps me through life a lot. I'm excited.
53:25
And it's and it's like, "Dude, you're a gummy bear."
53:27
And I know it doesn't make sense I love gummy bears so I'm listening.
53:31
but it's like all of this is in our head.
53:35
It's all like a journey and in the grand scheme of things as this individual I am just a gummy bear. It's not that serious. It's not that deep.
53:45
Keep moving for Of course it's a contradiction because it's everything to me.
53:49
It means everything to me.
53:51
It's It's It's my whole being.
53:53
But it's like But I'm also a gummy bear.
53:56
So it doesn't really matter if this thing, you know? It doesn't matter.
54:00
Like, dude, relax, you know?
54:02
So it's like a fight between those two.
54:04
But that me being a gummy bear is like one of the only things that's going to get me through this really hard thing that I'm fight fighting or facing, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I like that.
54:16
I've never heard it put that way. So I like it. I like that it's silly.
54:19
It's uh Yeah, the idea of embracing our own insignificance.
54:21
It's like we have our significance.
54:24
We know what we're doing is important, but at the same time we've got to embrace the insignificance of the irrelevance.
54:29
Yeah, like relax, like Yeah. It's not that serious.
54:35
It's super serious, but it's not that serious. Yeah. Yeah.
54:39
That's a funny conversation inside, for sure. Yeah.
54:41
There was another thing that came up was you said that if I settle into a house, I feel like I'll have to be there forever.
54:48
And there's this idea of like, you know, there's a shot in the documentary with all your suitcases there and you're like not sure about the couch.
54:54
And I was wondering like where does the fear of being somewhere forever come from?
55:01
I think it's like the whole idea of like becoming comfortable, you know?
55:06
And of course I do have like couches and stuff now.
55:08
I have like a new couch and I have like my cats, which I was very like hesitant to do.
55:14
But you know, I was I was very afraid of getting like super comfortable with my like Hollywood life.
55:18
You know, I have like my house and stuff.
55:21
And now I'm going to get all my my Grammys over here and I'm going to put my couch right there.
55:27
And here's my Mona Lisa painting. Like stuff like that.
55:31
I was very fearful that once I did that, I'm just going to like relax all the time.
55:37
But now I I I see it differently.
55:37
It's like I want to relax sometimes to keep myself sane.
55:42
And I am going to like put my house together cuz there's nothing wrong with that.
55:45
And I have to live because as I said like this goes by so fast. Yeah.
55:50
I'm 24 like going on 25 and I feel like like 2 days ago I was 19. You know?
55:57
Yeah, I I feel like your home has to be a sanctuary for you.
55:58
Whatever that means for you.
56:00
Like it feels infuse you up for the crazy life you live.
56:03
Cuz I'm sure you're going on tour again.
56:05
You will go on multiple tours across your lifetime.
56:09
Like the time that you are spending there, you want it to be comfortable.
56:11
You want it to be re-energizing.
56:13
What does that look to you?
56:15
What does rest look like for you now?
56:17
Like what does taking a break look like to you?
56:18
Because you are someone who's ambitious and hard working and driven.
56:22
But now to get back up on that.
56:25
I think I have one main thing and it's super simple.
56:29
It's going to see a movie. Mhm.
56:29
I like to go and see a movie like I don't know.
56:33
Some once, maybe twice, sometimes even three times like a week.
56:35
And that's like my escapism moment.
56:38
Or like my moment of like rest or away from everything.
56:40
You know, like during my time you know, when I dropped the artwork uh for my last single and like it was like a hellscape.
56:50
I went to see this movie called Migration, which is like this animated movie about like birds like flying places.
56:57
And it's just like this fun like childlike movie. And I was there. I was in that movie. That was my rest. That was my peace. That was my sense. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I love that.
57:08
I love going to the movies, too.
57:10
Was that the most recent thing you saw?
57:11
Was there anything else that kind of Uh What's been the best movie you've seen this year?
57:16
With the Oscars are coming up, too.
57:18
I want to see like Poor Things, but it was very dark. that, yeah. but very dark.
57:22
What was yeah, what was it like? I haven't seen it yet. it like? Yeah.
57:24
It was like um Emma Stone just giving like a an amazing performance.
57:28
It was also like this movie that was so weird.
57:30
Nothing like what I've seen before, like very like Ari Aster like vibes, you know what I mean? Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
57:38
I'm glad you're not giving it away. I really want to see it.
57:39
want to give away the entire thing. really want to see it.
57:40
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
57:42
I love going to movies, too.
57:43
I'm a big, big I loved Oppenheimer last year. Have you seen that yet?
57:48
Oppenheimer, but it wasn't for me. It wasn't for me.
57:51
I'm a Nolan I'm a Nolan fan, Christopher Nolan fan, and like every movie he makes, I'm like I love it when Well, Oppenheimer I got more of Tenet was the one that was the hardest one to get.
58:00
I don't know if you ever saw that. Tenet.
58:03
I didn't get it, but I like it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He makes movies.
58:07
I love his movies cuz he's always creating things where it's not set up to be consumed like the average movie.
58:13
Like you got to You have to think about it.
58:14
You have to look up and go on a forum or something and try to understand it. Yeah.
58:19
Yeah, I'm that guy like looking at every little graphic explaining like the time frame and and and everything else that comes with it.
58:25
Montero, what is it that you know, what are you what are you excited about of the next you know, 12 months for you?
58:31
What's something that's inspiring, pulling you in pushing you forward right now for the next 12 months?
58:35
I think the main thing I'm I'm focused on is picking myself up out of this this hole that I like feel that I'm in, you know what I mean?
58:50
And trying to figure out which songs out of the hundreds or whatnot I've been working on suit me best for going forward. Mhm. Yeah.
59:02
And what does that process look like?
59:03
Like how do you how do you actually do that in an actionable, practical way?
59:08
I guess trying to feel which ones feel real to me and back to the other thing, but are also like consumable, you know what I mean? Yeah.
59:18
And how do you judge that?
59:18
Because I guess like how do you as an artist even Are you just trusting intuition? Is there data? Is there prayer?
59:25
Like how, yeah, what is that?
59:27
Intuition plus like I feel like spiritual like signs. Mhm, yeah.
59:33
Walk me through the spiritual signs. I like that.
59:36
For example, in my my last song, you know, um my last single, uh J Christ, like I I was kind of hesitant.
59:43
I was like, is this is this where I'm going to get me to the next place?
59:47
And every time I would think about it, I would magically like see a cross in the distance or something like that.
59:52
I was like, okay, this is a part of my journey.
59:55
This is something This is a threshold I have to cross through to get to the other side.
59:59
Or for example, um another one and I was worried about like releasing Call Me By Your Name.
1:00:06
I was just like, oh my god, I don't know if I should.
1:00:08
And then Good Days by like SZA comes on the radio, you know?
1:00:12
And I'm just like, ah, and then the most beautiful like sun sunrise happens at the exact same time.
1:00:18
I'm just like, okay, this is You know what I mean?
1:00:21
And I guess it's like things that are in everyday life, but I don't mistake that for just being everyday life.
1:00:27
Like this is meant to be. Yeah.
1:00:30
This has to happen this way.
1:00:30
When did you start looking for those or noticing those in your life?
1:00:35
I think when I first moved to LA and I felt like, um communicating, you know, I felt like I was talking to my angels.
1:00:43
I It wasn't It was like magic, you know what I mean?
1:00:47
Like like seeing like angel numbers.
1:00:49
Like I believe in angel numbers a lot. I'll give you a story.
1:00:52
So, I'm like sitting at this cafe. It's breakfast time.
1:00:54
Old Town Road, you know, just hit like number one on the charts.
1:00:58
I'm already thinking in my head though, I'm moving to LA.
1:01:00
I'm not going to really like be super, you know, with my family and whatnot.
1:01:06
Like I'm going to do my own thing now.
1:01:09
And I start seeing like this number.
1:01:09
It was And then I looked up what the number meant and it was like, you need to, you know, bring your family together, basically.
1:01:17
It was like, you need to spend more time with your family need bring your family together.
1:01:20
I was like, um I was like, um no, I don't I don't think I'm going to do that.
1:01:25
And I just started seeing that number over and over and over.
1:01:29
And then I called my I called my uh my siblings.
1:01:31
I was like, I'm going to I'm going to have our first like uh what's it called? Family reunion.
1:01:37
And I did that thing and I started seeing a different number.
1:01:39
And I looked up what that number meant and it was just like, you're on the right path.
1:01:43
Like and and I kept seeing that number over and over. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
1:01:47
So, it was it was something it was something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.
1:01:51
And and and that's and that's been almost a discovery for you as opposed to something you were taught or trained or heard or learned.
1:01:59
It's been self-taught almost. Yeah.
1:02:00
And it it and it's also like something that felt very real because, you know, at that time like I wasn't spiritual at all, you know, I didn't believe in any of the stuff and I was just like, okay. Yeah.
1:02:09
I see I I feel like you guys are there.
1:02:12
I don't understand you completely, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
1:02:16
And what do you like when you like can't see the sign or you can't find the answer?
1:02:20
Is there something that helps you kind of realign or reconnect?
1:02:21
I feel like at that point I just have to trust what I feel in my heart, you know?
1:02:29
And I feel like there's a there's a common sense when I know something is right.
1:02:33
There's like a there's like a washing of okay, this is good. Yeah. I can't explain it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. Yeah.
1:02:45
I mean, that that's the beauty of trying to explain in words things that are experienced intangibly, right? It's it's hard.
1:02:53
It's it's challenging, but I think anyone who's I I know a lot of our community and our audience is able to see signs or knows what their signs are and their experiences and what they are.
1:03:05
And I officiated a wedding in December.
1:03:11
And the individual who's getting married always loves the color blue and sees her father's presence as a butterfly.
1:03:18
And when I was leading the ceremony, there was a moment in the ceremony that I asked everyone to close their eyes and meditate with us.
1:03:26
And then we open our eyes and some of us still had our eyes closed and a blue butterfly literally just flew right through the garden. There was only one.
1:03:34
It wasn't like we were in a butterfly park or or something like that and I can see that you you can sense your belief and it was just it was beautiful.
1:03:39
Like it was one of those moments where everyone afterwards like, "Did you see the blue butterfly?"
1:03:43
Cuz they how important it is to the bride.
1:03:45
And it was just this magical moment of, you know, for her to have her father's presence at her wedding who is no longer with us. Like man.
1:03:53
Yeah, it was really really special.
1:03:53
So yeah, I think for those for those who are on that path, who are aware of those things, I'm sure they'll they'll resonate with what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful.
1:04:02
Montero, we end every episode with a final five. Yeah.
1:04:08
Uh these are the fast five.
1:04:08
They can only be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.
1:04:12
We ask them to every guest.
1:04:14
Uh and you've been such a kind, gracious guest with your time.
1:04:16
So, Montero, this is your final five.
1:04:20
Question number one is what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? Do it scared. I like that.
1:04:26
Uh second question, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?
1:04:30
I don't know about that one. You block it out?
1:04:34
Yeah, I I I I don't have that one. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.
1:04:36
Uh question number three, what's the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
1:04:42
First thing I do in the morning, um I get my cats off the bed and the last thing I do at night, um I try to move my feet in a place where my cats won't scratch it in. Yeah. Nice.
1:04:56
Uh question number four, what's something that you used to value that you don't value anymore?
1:05:03
I guess approval from everyone around me, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.
1:05:06
You've allowing yourself to let that go. Yeah. Yeah.
1:05:11
All right, fifth and final question.
1:05:11
We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show.
1:05:14
If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
1:05:23
Can I have a different one? I love that. That's That's brilliant.
1:05:25
I don't even have to break my law with you.
1:05:30
Um what advice would you give to your younger self?
1:05:33
Make sure you love yourself enough, more than than anybody else in this entire world like ever could. Yeah, I say that. That's it.
1:05:46
Long live Montero, the documentary is out right now.
1:05:49
Montero, Lil Nas X, it has been um I know I know for you, however the experience goes, I'd love to hear from you, but honestly, I think the depth, the openness, and I want to thank you for showing up when you didn't have to, of your own accord, and trusting me and giving me this space and time.
1:06:08
So, I'm grateful to you and thankful to you for showing up in the way that you did. Thank you.
1:06:13
I'm happy to be here and I'm appreciative of, you know, how you've like helped me through this. Thank you. Cool. Thank you, man. Thank you so much.
1:06:22
If you loved this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Meghan Trainor on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident from the inside out.
1:06:33
My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for 5 minutes.
1:06:35
It was already tough for me to love my body, but after the C-section scar with all the stretch marks, now I'm looking at myself like I've been hacked.
1:06:42
But day three when I did it, I was like, "You know what? Her thighs are cute."