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i had every intention to help women that felt like i did i had that north star i knew what i was trying to do i gave it my all and so if now no one likes it i'm not going to feel badly about myself because i showed
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up and that's the thing jay no one can affect whether you show up or not hear about the failure and successes no one can affect whether if you showed up or not the only person that can affect that is you [Music] hey everyone welcome back to on purpose
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the number one health podcast in the world thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen learn and grow now there have been very very few guests that we've had on twice on on purpose and this is one
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of those rare times and it's because today's guest is not only an incredible author one of my favorite storytellers but she truly is a dear dear friend she reminds me of home she's given me a sense of comfort ever since i moved to la she's amazing friends with
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my wife she's a phenomenal interviewer and so much more of course i'm speaking about none other than my dear friend lisa biliu now for those of you who don't know lisa lisa billy co-founded quest nutrition which grew 57 000
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in its first three years she's also the co-founder and president of impact theory studios a revolutionary digital fur studio that produces wildly entertaining original content focusing on themes of empowerment throughout her career lisa has created a slate of
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content that's been viewed over half a billion times and by overseeing all in-house content development at impact theory she along with her husband tombalu who's also been an amazing guest have built a global audience of over 7.5
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million as a host of our own digital series which by the way if you haven't seen it you need to go and subscribe it's called women of impact on youtube go and subscribe lisa spends her days having real uncensored conversations with the most inspiring women
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and as an amazingly inspiring woman herself she has written her first book called radical confidence 10 no bs lessons on becoming the hero of your own life welcome to on purpose lisa lisa thank you for doing this oh my god are
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you joking thank you this is so exciting literally i've been so giddy just so that we get to hang out because every time we try and hang out like as a double date or something there's always one of us there's always one of us there's always one it's usually radley
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and tom yes actually it's never mean you just yeah i don't think it is we're the ones we're always trying yeah we're the organized ones let's face it but no honestly i was i was looking forward to seeing you today as well
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because we always have fun when we're together i'm so proud of you for putting this book together it's so hard writing a book creating a book then going out and sharing the story then going through the emotions of actually talking about everything that's
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in the book and especially when it's a book about confidence uh let's let's start we we know each other fairly well but i i always feel like i'm going to learn so much more about you today which i'm very excited about when you were growing up
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who for you did you look at as the epitome of confidence like who was it that you thought or what was it or was it a character or a role that you were like that person seems confident the person i admired the most was jodie foster wow yeah
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um i don't really talk about this much actually but growing up i so loved movies i was like the kid that would gather three in the morning and wish one day i'm gonna win the academy award for best movie director you know like that
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was the dream and so i really did look at who is in the space that's doing the things and jody foster always seemed so confident to me she was in front of the camera she was behind the camera she was writing she was directing she was producing and so i just thought of
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course i know differently now where you see a woman that always shows up i just oh my god she must have like the most confidence but in having like learned about her and her story and you know she's very like very private and so i
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dismissed the fact that she probably wasn't confident but always showed up and that's kind of what the book is about is that you don't have to always feel confident to show up so yeah jody foster i think yeah wow i didn't know that yeah and i loved that i've heard
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you talk about that and of course you talk about in the book this idea of how we think we have to be confident before we do big things we think we have to have this courage and bravery before we do big things and you go on to send
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the book that actually no when you do these things that's what makes you confident what was one of the first things that you started to do or experiment with where you started to gain confidence or build confidence so i love that you said build so i've got a
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line in the book it's like it's like a muscle you wouldn't go to the gym and want glute to steal after doing a couple of squats i mean i do want that to happen you wanted to but do you get glutes still use your glutes i mean i have no idea
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definitely no i don't have any glutes so i have no idea it's amazing but you don't just go what you want to but you don't and so that is like with confidence we kind of want it already but yeah if you think of it like a muscle you can go and you can train it
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and that's the point is that for me it became being thrown into the deep end not feeling like i had any confidence i was completely insecure i was actually very inadequate so it wasn't even like oh i just you know i had it and i was
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just you know not feeling great about myself no no when we started quest i didn't know what i was doing at all and so the confidence part came afterwards it came as the byproduct of doing things freaking out falling on the floor
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getting back up learning from it and then over time becoming competent and the confidence part i think i think is just we want to feel great about ourselves that's it we want to feel great about ourselves before we try something perspective is everything so
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how do you shift that and so how i did it was instead of focusing on the confidence say what is that end goal i want confidence to do what and now once you have that then you put in a plan a blueprint of how you're going to get
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there because your confidence will come after that i love that i i think you're completely shifting how people think about confidence because i still see those things like this how to be confident stand this way do this and and those things work and they're useful but
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you're talking about a deeper sense of confidence how do you define confidence and radical confidence obviously how do you define that because i do think you're encouraging us all to move to a much more deeper level of confidence
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yeah i'm trying definitely thank you the word confidence i do think is about a feeling you want to feel great about yourself before you start something and radical confidence is it's not about feeling great about yourself it's about
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how do i get to that end goal so i can have the life and the dream i've always wanted that's it and so it's not going to be easy and that's the big part of it and because it's not easy and because you're all the time moving forward even
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when you're scared you're moving forward even when you're fearful how do you keep moving forward now it's very easy to say oh just do it anyway when you're scared no no if you've got crippling anxiety if you're like really
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feeling badly about yourself telling someone to just do it anyway doesn't actually help so to me it has to be a blueprint if you want to lose weight some people like my mom she was so severely overweight just telling her well mom i'll get you a gym membership
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it wouldn't have helped because she feels so badly about herself she doesn't even have the radical confidence to walk into the gym so okay how do you actually get someone to take their health or like take those stepping stones maybe right
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now all you need to do is put your shoes by the bed that's it that's what you're going to do tomorrow you're not going to go to the gym you're not going to do anything else you're just going to put your shoes by their bed and then the
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next day you're going to put your shoes on and what you're going to do is every time you do it you're actually going to give yourself a pat on the back and said yesterday i didn't put the shoes on and today i did and it becomes these little
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microscopic movements towards the dream that you really want so that you can build that competence to build the confidence yeah that i mean especially that part the the competence to build the confidence i completely completely agree with you i speak to a
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lot of friends who have young kids and they'd always they'll always say to me like oh my kid's not very confident and or he lacks or she lacks or they lack in confidence and when i look back to being a young kid i would say i wasn't confident when i
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was growing up and i was bullied i was overweight i was one of the we grew up in the same area i was one of the only south asian indian kids in our area and so i was bullied for several things and i would say it took me a
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long time before i developed a sense of confidence but it was exactly what you just said it was building competence that led to confidence so my parents forced me to go to public speaking school built tons of confidence my parents forced me to go to
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drama school built tons of confidence so when they forced me to build competence that built confidence and i think we're so scared that we don't build skills we think we can solve how we feel without building a skill does that make
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sense oh my god 100 and that's part of it it's like me wanting to let's say it's getting on stage i was so petrified to get on stage but my my goal is impact so tom pulls me aside and he's like babe as your husband you've said you want to
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create impact but you keep saying no to these speaking gigs and so i'm just letting you know that your actions aren't aligned with what you say you want in life so i was like okay typical time typical time i know calling so it's like okay i recognize that
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getting on stage actually does solve that serve that mission that i really am like holding my core to but how on earth do i get on stage how do i build that competence when i just feel so badly about myself when i'm so embarrassed i'm
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so i'm worried about falling on my face and like really embarrassing myself how on earth do i do that and it becomes you said your parents forced you as an adult i think it becomes harder we get very um in our own heads and i think you know as
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kids we're easily you can learn you can walk you can tie your shoes you learn how to do you don't do it the first time but you just take time but as adults we don't give ourselves the grace to go through that training period and so for
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me in when i'm thinking about public speaking i do think about those incremental steps in order to get there because i can't just want to yeah to your point it's like i can say i really want this but to so many people that's just not
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enough it's like it is that isn't enough to actually get people to act on their dream yeah absolutely absolutely now what i love about the book and i do recommend everyone goes and grabs their copy it's called radical confidence i'm speaking to lisa biliu 10 no bs lessons
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on becoming the hero of your own life make sure you go grab a copy we've got it in the subject area we've got it in the comments section everywhere i love books i love content that has lessons and the fact that you have 10 in here makes
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it very simple and i love that and i want to dive through a little bit of these so everyone gets a feeling of like oh i need to you know go and dive into that chapter first of all you say your dreams are a gamble bet on yourself
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and the one that i loved out of all of these was i can stop making excuses because i think there are a lot of excuses where do you think those excuses come from what were some of the excuses you've told yourself and what are some of the excuses you hear that other
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people are telling themselves great question and i just want to say sometimes here's a problem with the excuses sometimes they're real that's the problem sometimes yes you have every reason to say i can't do i don't have the time right j how busy you
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dude right how busy yeah oh my i i i think i work most days 7 a.m until like 10 p.m till i go to bed yeah that's insane so let's say something comes to you you can easily say well i don't have time is that an excuse or a valid reason
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it's true but now if it's getting in your way of your dream how do you see it there's an excuse or is a reason it's like everyone makes their decisions right so you would make the decision say i can't do that because i'm too busy to
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me that's a decision that you've made yes and so for me the excuse is to look at your reasons why you're not making the moves that you want to or that you say you're going to write them down and then with no judgment you can hear me say that a lot
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because i used to judge myself and it's the judgment that would hold me back so writing down all those reasons let's say you've got your goal why aren't you there yet so my goal was i want to make movies that's when mean time we first
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got married tom was going to go out make enough money and i was going to support him at home just going to be for a year so one year turns into two years turns into three turns into four and so i start losing all my hopes and dreams in
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that period and the excuse i kept making to myself is well we still don't have the money yet to make movies and that was the reason that i was using that we weren't making movies now if i'd stepped back he said okay my goal is to make
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movies what are the reasons well i don't have enough money is that a reason or an excuse if you drill down it's an excuse because i could make a short movie i could make a two minute film that is shot on my iphone that costs nothing but in my head i had so stuck to
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the big dream of making a hundred million dollar movie that every time i wasn't even taking one step i kept using the excuse that i didn't have money i kept using the excuse that we didn't have the time that i was well hang on in
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fact here's a perfect excuse that i wonder if your audience will resonate with we used to say it like tom would go out to work and it's like why wasn't i like really moving towards my dream my goal and as we started to build quest as it
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was getting more and more successful i was like well i can't focus on quest because i still have to do all these things at home i can't i can't put all my time in there because i still have to do the laundry i still have to cook now is that a reason or is an excuse
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some people will say of course you have to do laundry that's a very valid reason now here's the thing that's a choice you don't have to do laundry and i used it as an excuse time and time again of why i wasn't moving towards my dream because
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the truth was when i finally realized it was an excuse i sat down with tom and i said baby i love you more than life itself but i don't want to cook for you anymore i don't want to do your laundry anymore and so if i get time i'll do it
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i'll do maybe every three weeks and so he's like baby to see you happy what kind of husband would i be to say that i needed my underwear cleaned because um out of your hap you know your happiness and so one day i literally didn't do the
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laundry for so long he's like all right babe i'm out of laundry so i guess i'm going to work commando and he actually went to work without underwear so you can see how one time once upon a time i had the mindset that doing the laundry was absolutely part of
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how you should live but by removing that as an excuse and saying hey this actually is getting in your way of your dream and your goal remove it and now where did it lead the husband went to work commando and i didn't think twice about it why because
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i was working on my dream i love that that's such a great example because you're so right that often your excuse can be real but it can still be an excuse and i love the idea you gave about making movies too because i do think we have the big dream
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and we don't see this small step and the way you described that to me made so much sense because i was speaking to someone recently and i was telling them about when i moved to la and they've just kind of moved to la and
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they're starting out and they're at film school and it's early days and i was just saying that you know when i came to la there's so many things that i still want to do that i haven't done yet but if i just wanted to do those things i
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wouldn't have built everything else and i don't want to be someone who just has a big dream i want to be someone who's doing lots of small things towards that big dream and i think sometimes the big dream cripples us and we keep pushing it off and we keep
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saying oh no well like you said i don't have a hundred million dollars how am i making a movie we're living in this amazing time where anyone can make a movie for very cheap for for free even uh and it's incredible to think about it
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that way so i'm so glad you've written about that and in the book just so everyone knows lisa goes through in chapter one she always talks about how you can dream big how you can change your life how you can bet on yourself i literally just picked
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out one thing from one chapter that i find interesting because i find that excuses keep growing no matter where you're at no matter where you're at and what i've realized for me is that my excuse is based on a season so right now i'm in a season of writing
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my book comes out next year my second book and i know that when i'm writing my book all my creative energy goes into writing a book so i know that i can't really do many other things that are highly creative because all my energy goes into
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the book but as soon as my book time's over i now get all this new creative time back and i can do a lot of stuff so during this period i accept that my excuse is true that i can't do much more but once that's over now i know i can go
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off and do other things yeah and i would actually then when i come to that conclusion going oh okay this excuse makes sense based on what i'm trying to do i then flip and go cool this is no longer an excuse it's a reason yes and
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so i because here's what i like to actually like to call myself on it so lisa you're using that as an excuse and so i want to make sure that i'm always defining that word that gets me the emotion i'm trying to fill to propel me forward i love that that makes so much
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sense yeah exactly and that's what you're right it's not an excuse it's a reason yeah i love that all right rule two is called make up your mindset and the one that i loved out of all of these sections of this chapter is i can get
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good at anything yeah i love that mindset can you tell me about something that you were once terrible at that today you would consider yourself to be fantastic at and i know you won't hold back because i know we both agree that it's so easy to
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like never accept that we actually got good at anything but i'm hoping everyone and i'll do the same when you hear me and lisa own that we're now good at something please see it as a sign for you to own your own growth because we
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live in this world where we judge ourselves when we're losing and then we judge ourselves when we're winning and it's so important to lose judgment at both times so true yeah i been the stay-at-home wife for eight years being thrust into quest nutrition i was just
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helping out the husband i'm a good greek wife i'm gonna help the husband out what do i need to do now i i didn't have any skill sets in building a company zero i knew how to be a great wife i knew filmmaking because i went to film school
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for it and i knew how to take care of my two dogs and my husband that was like myself that's pretty good it's pretty nothing not too bad but when you go into a startup company every single day i was faced with things i had no idea to the
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little things of a palette i was shipping bars off my living room floor we grew at 57 000 so literally within a few weeks a few months i'm shipping out 20 boxes and so the ups guy comes along and he's like you know i can actually take a lot more
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if you put everything on a palette i was too embarrassed to admit i had no idea what a palette was so i was like okay great thanks mate you know when he drives off i run back to my computer and type in google what on earth is a palette
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you know and then the image comes up like oh yeah i kind of know what those are where do i get one from how much they cost so i literally just keep typing in where do i get one from how much do they cost and that's the sort of thing that
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started to build my self-esteem around being the person that can figure it out not the person that knows everything and it be it becomes such a safe place for me because now i don't worry about not knowing something i just if i have
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the mentality and the ethos that i can figure it out if i put the time and energy into it some things may take a second what is a palette some things may take two years but regardless if i believe i can i can actually take the steps forward but if i believe i can't
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i'm not going to and let's face it so many people are also there to be ready to tell you what you can't do yeah so that's why you have to believe in yourself that you know how to because you can very much get influenced from
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the outside world like one of the very early days i don't if you know this story actually one of the very early days of quest we had like justin bieber's cousin was like contacted quest and so they're like oh my god lisa we can get request a boss
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to justin bieber but here's the catch he's in dubai and you've only got like 24 48 hours to get it to him and everyone was like but it's impossible everyone said it's impossible i called up my ups guy that it's impossible it's a food product it's dubai it's imports
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it's like all this thing like logistics and in that moment i was like no one's gonna fight for your dream more than you will so of course my request to my even the ups person i'm making his life harder so when he sees the hurdle or he's like
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it's impossible but no one will fight for your dream more than you will so i didn't take impossible as an option i didn't know what i was doing i figured it out and so i literally said okay if you're the person that figures out what
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would this look like don't take no for an answer ask questions ask boat loads of questions instead of feeling badly about myself for not knowing just keep asking so i would get on like oh okay you can't help me can i speak to your
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manager please manager comes up it's impossible can you explain to me why well because of the customs all right what if what if i overpaid customs well but what about this slip well okay i'll just fill out the slip in advance and
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i'll be up at three in the morning in case it gets there i'll be on call like every time there's a problem do you have a way to think around it and it's not that i knew what i was doing that's the key is that i just had the mentality that no one's going to fight
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for my dream more than me and i'm not going to take no as an answer and because of those things i ended up figuring it out and i ended up getting bars to jb in time i don't know if you actually ever received them that's the
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heartbreaking thing it was like i got a confirmation they arrived to his oath his hotel and to me though that was the thing i held on to that no one thought it was possible all the experts thought it was impossible i didn't know what i was doing
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but i went in there as the learner and said lisa you're going to figure it out i love that story do you know why because it's so practical like it's so tangible it's not like this ethereal dream that you made come true it's literally like we need to get these
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bars from this country to this country and you can see all the steps it takes and you can see every moment where you could have just gone can't be bothered now and that's literally the only thing and actually whether he got it or not is irrelevant
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to the fact that you were able to figure it out yes and it shows that now you can apply that to anything big or small and now you are applying it to movies and comic books and you know whatever else it may be but it started off by just
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trying to get a bar from from one country to another i honestly hope that everyone's listening and watching the reason why i love lisa's examples is because they're just so tangible they're so real and i think sometimes it's like maybe you're
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listening right now and you have a company you want to start or you have a podcast you want to launch or you have a youtube channel that's in your head and it really is as simple today as going on google typing it in and trying it and i
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think the biggest mistake the least i want to hear your take on this is i think we often try things too slow and therefore the results are more painful to accept i'll give an example of what i mean if i'm interested by something let's take something like
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what you just did if you took three months to type in what's a palette then three months later you'll figure out how much they cost and then three months later maybe the prices go up and now in 12 months you're going oh well i guess that wasn't useful
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whereas if you go back that day like you did and then you went to resist how much they cost and then you reset the budget everything else that you did you learn it so fast and now you can take action so often what i think is that we need to
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experiment more often as opposed to like trying to make something happen over a year if you try and do it in an hour you're actually more likely to learn and grow rather than saying okay i'm to spend 10 minutes on this every week
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if you can spend an hour on it this weekend you probably make a bit more growth and you'll feel more momentum i don't know what your thoughts are a thousand percent i think the reason why people don't know is they fear not being
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it not being perfect yeah so they're like well let me just think of it like let me take the stepping stones let me process it let me and i actually get it that fear really can stop so many of us but that's why i have the identity of
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being the learner of being the person that actually you know what i don't know this today and i don't judge myself for it but i can learn and it's that if like what is that goal how do you keep moving forward and then the fear part that voice in the head that i to i very
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much talk about is telling me well lisa you don't know what you're doing releasing you know who do you think you are like you don't have any you know expertise in this area but if i'm then bypass it by being like oh no you don't
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know anything so hey you should learn you know it's like bypass that voice to then get you to act yeah and then in that action you then feel the competence that then builds the confidence to then keep going yeah but it is that starting point that is very
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fearful and so recently in fact i don't know how you felt in like launching a book and stuff like that and we're very creative so as part of the creative i get very um hypo um microscopic on everything it's like that's not good enough no that's not
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right and i realized i was actually holding myself back because to your point like i wasn't just like learning from it i wasn't just putting things out and so i ended up sitting down and saying okay right now this fear of like trying to be
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perfect is actually holding you back i don't judge myself for it but i say how do i overcome this feeling because i can't force myself not to feel it so i have to come up with some a plan a tactic to overcome the way that i'm handling it so i sat there and i was
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like oh i'm looking for perfection does perfection help impact people with this book no okay great so how do i overcome this i need to be deliberate not perfect okay that's actually really strong that really hit me be deliberate how do i
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remind myself that in moments because we all have habits so the habit of me right now is to be perfect so how do i overcome this habit of being perfect okay i'm going to put in my phone in something i call in my um in the book
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it's like phony roulette so it's actually you've got this roulette but it's you put a message in your phone you close your eyes and you spin the time and you close your eyes and you don't know what time you've said it and the whole point for this is to keep
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reminding yourself in random moments of the message you're trying to become a habit in your mind so i put in be deliberate not perfect and i did the roulette and i did it for about three weeks and after that i don't need it anymore now every time something comes
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to me i just go okay i want to be deliberate not perfect okay yep great this is good to go wow so wait you choose the message yeah and then you put a random time yeah and then your phone will buzz at that time and remind you of
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that message that you put in yeah and i don't know that's so cool and i don't know when it's gonna go off yeah yeah yeah yeah so look sometimes it goes off at the worst time when you're in an interview right but i did this once that's so cool
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yeah i i did it once as an experiment because i am always going i don't judge myself for how i feel but i don't accept that as an excuse yeah so okay you've this is real don't feel badly but what are you gonna do to overcome it so that
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was one of those things i was actually really scared for ted talk this is actually how it started i was so scared about getting in front on stage and i had all these like tactics okay i'm gonna have a blueprint how do i think about it how do i turn up what's my
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wonder woman cuffs like all these things of how am i gonna get on stage in the first place and part of that ritual leading up to it was i did a little you got this and i did the little muscle emoji and i closed my eyes and i spun it
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now sometimes it happened in like when i was peeing you know like it was like not a great time but it really really worked like it hit me so hard and in moments when i was practicing for my speech i didn't realize that it went off so now
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here i am practicing i'm reading over i'm getting in my own head i'm getting tense i'm like oh my god can i do really do this the alarm happened to go off at that time so now i'm like oh yeah i do got this lisa so now i go back and it
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becomes this little reminder your own cheerleader wow i love that idea that's such a cool that's absolutely brilliant and and also that statement be deliberate not perfect yeah i think it's such a great mantra and and i'm gonna be
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honest here as well like so i really dislike the cover of my book my first book that i did i really dislike it uh and i was forced into having to pick and decide because of time and so i when i was writing my first book i was so absorbed in writing it i
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didn't really have time to think about the cover we got to finish writing and then i was told i need a cover and testimonials within the next two weeks and i didn't know anyone who designed book covers at the time and so i was scrambling to do that and i was trying
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to get the testimonials from people and asking for testimonials as you know is a tough thing to do and she's like okay well now i've got two weeks to ask someone for something so i'm doing this and then all of a sudden then they're
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like oh no now we've got to just go with this cover and we're going to design it and i really don't like it now you know it didn't impact the book in the sense of it's been wonderful to see the book out there and i hope people can sense my intention
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i think that's what i always focus on is my intention is i just want to serve through this book and people can feel that but i give myself the grace and space that that was my first book i didn't know the process i didn't understand
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this time i've handed in my first manuscript and i'm working on the cover already yeah and it's like it's okay and that's like you know and the reason why i'm sharing that is people may look at my first book and of course it's sold really well it's done really well
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whatever and it's like and people may just be like oh jay you just nailed it i'm like but even i don't feel i nailed it like i didn't because there was a part of it that i would have wanted to improve yeah you've got an epic phone oh
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thank you and this you know this look at this radical confidence for uncover it's so beautiful it's amazing and and i think that what we have to realize is that as creators we'll always be critical of our own work even when no one notices it and
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so i wanted everyone to hear that that you're doing that i'm doing that we're all doing that so if your first episode of your podcast isn't great you've got a second one if the first video on your youtube channel is not great there's
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another one like there's always another tape yeah and i love the critical part of it because what you're doing is yeah you're being critical about yourself but you're not letting it stop you move forward and that's the key it's like i
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don't always just go yeah lisey you got this like no no i definitely assess like i am critical of myself i do like to reassess but i'm at the stage at least in my growth that i don't let that stop me and in the past it would in the past
31:15
i would look at something that i've done and i would be so critical of it that i would beat myself up so much that it stopped me from moving forward yes yes i think that's a really good clarification as well and and i think deliberate not
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perfect is such a brilliant mantra so i love that all right going on i love this one validation is for parking i i was like i love parking validation uh but yes validation is for parking the one that i love about this one is i can validate myself yeah i think
31:45
that's been such a big lesson for me what is something you think you constantly wanted other people to validate you for what is something that you've always seeked external validation for that took the longest journey oh that took the longest journey that's
31:59
interesting i think there's still a part of me that kind of i think that maybe and maybe i'm wrong but it seems like there's a part of everyone that still wants to be validated and it's just instinctual so going back to i don't
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judge myself for it but i know it's unhealthy so in fact here's a perfect example it's not really answering your question but it kind of is with the book i was originally when someone offered me the book deal the very first words out of my mouth were
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who would buy a book from me so there's the insecurity so i'm like lisa ah that 14 year old girl is still inside you it's okay you know like she still does exist that's okay but i'm not gonna let her hold me back so i start writing the book
32:36
now in writing the book i start to go oh i really want a new york times number one right like we've all got so many like yo buggers amazing and everyone and so it's like oh i've got a goal i'm still got a good i think you know i'm a
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bus entrepreneur so i set my goal i set where i'm trying to go and i move deliberately towards that now here's the thing what if i don't reach her does me not getting there now mean that the book's no good and i realize the danger of looking for
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external validation for the work that you do and the way that you show up and now the only thing that i can do is do the foundation work so that when that happens the instinctual part of lisa doesn't come out and so what i said is what's my north
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style why did i actually write this book yes i have the goals but i don't want the goal without you actually creating impact so let's say i want new times right but does it actually create impact that's my north star that's the the big big like
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thing that i'm going towards so how are people going to respond to it okay yes of course i want it to create impact but what if it actually doesn't impact anyone jay what if everyone hates it that's a big possibility when i was
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writing i didn't know and so what am i gonna do to make sure that i still feel validated and i still feel my worth and so i said what am i going to do now number one do you give it your all because and here's the thing when i say that you know
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everyone at home you know if you've given it your you can tell other people you have but you really know so am i going to give my all yes or no yes great that's going to be a metric i'm going to go by if i gave him my all i've got nothing else to give
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am i going to learn from this experience if it does badly yes did i have beautiful intentions yes am i going to really if it fails not beat yourself up but are you absolutely going to take a hard look and identify all the things that you think that you
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failed in yes great now i can move forward i can move forward and if it doesn't do well i've got those bullet points that i'm going to go back to and say i had every intention to help women that felt like i did i had that north star i knew what i was
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trying to do i gave it my all and so if now no one likes it i'm not going to feel badly about myself because i showed up and that's the thing jay no one can affect whether you show up or not forget about the failure and successes no one
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can affect whether whoever's listening at home if you showed up or not the only person that can affect that is you i love that and that's actually what needs to happen before we start any journey and i think a lot of society has made us
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focus on the goal so it's like what's your goal where do you want to be what's the output what's the result and what you've just described is the input it's what you're bringing it's what you're focused on and i think that's one
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of the biggest mistakes of goal setting is that goals are just made up targets they're just made up targets they're just random things and it's like they're nice they're cool but they don't make you happy because by the way even the people that reach their
35:39
goals are not happy because it's never satisfying it's like okay we got to this goal but now we didn't stay there or we got to that goal but we didn't get the next time or this time we hit that goal constantly but i'm
35:50
still dissatisfied because i became lonely in the process right so there's always something else around that goal so it's not only the people that don't make their goals that are not happy it's also the people that make their goals that
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are not happy because it's not about the goal yeah exactly and the result is never guaranteed either exactly so it's like what are you going to do work hard for something pour your heart into it and only feel good about yourself whether it succeeds or not it's just not
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sustainable yeah and so to me that's what i look at what is sustainable for me to keep showing up for the rest of my life yeah and that's like when i think about oh if i'm looking at the results it's not sustainable in a year in two
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years when i crash and burn because look when you try anything new the chances are you're gonna fail at it at some point yeah and so if i'm failing how do i keep getting back up it's that precise thing yeah i love that principle i i think that's just so huge
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because i just think we as a society constantly force people to set these big dreams goals and targets that are arbitrary to our actual joy and happiness like they don't actually connect to feeling good yeah even if you make it right and so i think that's the
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biggest one all right i want to go through a few more of these uh because there's so many good ones i'm skipping a few chapters because i want you to get the book and read it but there's a few things that i want to talk about okay
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this one's a big one uh this is chapter seven which is called toughen the f up buttercup um and it says i can stop saying i'm sorry yeah this is huge like the amount of people that constantly feel that they have to stop saying sorry what are some of the
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things that you hear a lot in this space of things that people apologize a lot for so i also wanted to put a little asterisk to that because in the book i actually i think it's like the first line is guys stop apologizing and yet
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guys always apologize because that's the thing a lot of what i say like feels like almost sometimes contradictory but look i think that the message of just stop apologizing isn't actually accurate yeah right because if it's like if you up your set your friend
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and you're the one that is the person in the fall you should apologize if like if if i've said something that really i that has upset tom and it's like okay i didn't mean to upset him of course you should apologize so i never
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want people to think that apology is a bad thing the problem is we apologize so much that what it's doing is it's telling you that you're make your opinion isn't valid so like i think the example i give in the book is like let's
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say for instance i choose you know me and very much like you self-care is very important i must take care of myself first before i show up for anyone else and with how much we work i burn out and so i need to make sure that i don't go to that
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burnout so sometimes i get invited to a lot of amazing places and i know in that moment it's i have to actually choose self-care now if i'm apologizing for putting myself first subconsciously over time what is that doing it may not seem like it in the
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moment i just think when you keep having that repetition in your head that voice that mindset that you're always apologizing for putting yourself first it becomes detrimental to you and so for me i was like i'm no longer going to
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apologize for putting my self-care first i'm always going to be very respectful it's never like well you know if you but it absolutely is how you use language makes a difference the language you use and that's really the big key thing in all of this if you
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say the word sorry does is that actually authentic to you or are you dismissing something that's actually very important to you like self-care so if someone invites me out i won't actually if it and i'm doing self-care instead i
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actually won't say i'm sorry i'll say oh my god i really hope you have an amazing time you know let me know how it is but right now you know i'm unable to attend obviously very politely but i just don't use the word sorry yeah no i i think
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that's huge because what you said is over time what we're basically saying is we don't think we deserve that yes or that what we're doing is wrong yes right that's what you're saying if you're saying sorry like you define the word you're like
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saying i'm wrong that's why i'm sorry i'm wrong in not wanting to come out with you you're not wrong yeah you just want to do something that's right for you yeah right and it just then reinforces right because like like repetition creates a habit and i'm
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so aware of that of how the words i use um affect how i show up so like if can i share a story yeah i'd love to you're you're an amazing storyteller so i always love hearing you said yeah go for it there was this one time on one
40:17
vacation and i'm standing in line and i met you i get very chatty in line on vacation i would love to be in line with your vacation yeah so this is women behind when we start chatting she's like oh what do you do so i start telling all
40:29
the things you know that you know quest and impact theory and women of impact and eventually i was like okay i'm talking a lot it's like oh what do you do oh i'm just a mom just a mom just i was and i was like well what do you mean she goes oh we'll
40:42
have three kids i homeschool but i'm just a mom she was so downplaying her achievements by using the word just now it may not seem like a big deal but imagine she says that to herself over and over again she's really invalidating how much she's
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bringing to the table and so in that moment i almost couldn't help myself jay i was like i'm so sorry but you just said just i was like what you're doing is incredible i was like you're bringing up the next generation and you're doing it three two and
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homeschooling i was like so i was like that isn't a just as soon as i said that her demeanor changed she starts glowing talking about all the classes all these new tests that she was trying on her kids to see what would work and what didn't
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in just in removing the word just changed how she saw herself and that was just one word in one moment now think about the words we use in our own head over and over and over again yeah i and and i think that's the point that in
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that moment you'd only heard her say it once yes but she's heard herself say it every day where whenever she meets someone who is externally doing more right more quiet more externally quote-unquote more quote-unquote because
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it's her perception she is then looking at herself as less than every single time because society has made some things feel like more and some things feel like less but in that moment you've reminded her that actually what she's doing is
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unique it's beautiful it's wonderful and i think that's what i love about what you're saying about language because i do think it's so easy because we've created this hierarchy of first and second you think about it someone might have just broken the world
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record and come second but someone broke the overall world record and came first yeah right you both may have beaten the most latest world record but except you're not looking at it you're looking going i came second but you also just did
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something amazing and even in that example whereas yeah i think it's i think language is really interesting and i think the way we talk to ourselves is really interesting and i do believe that it's always going to be a balance of you don't want to
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lie to yourself either way and i think that's the problem right both of them are lies saying to yourself i'm the best in the world and i'm better than everyone that's a lie and saying i'm the worst i'm just a mum that's also a lie neither of those are
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actually true yeah that's so true and we are so conditioned ourselves into thinking a certain way that it becomes like the belief system that maybe we don't even question because we don't even realize it's there and so that's what i just love about everything we're
43:26
talking about i mean you know is it carol dweck i think it was her that said just add the word yet onto a sentence i can't do x y and z yet it's one word three letters and yet it changes everything of how we perceive that thing
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if you say i can't play the piano or i can't play the piano yet night and day yeah changes everything everything language changes everything i i do recommend that everyone sits down and defines the words they use the most
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in their life because and chances are you and your partner you and your kids you and your parents all have different definitions and so you've got to be really careful because you may have defined your words you got to make sure that their words
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are aligned or that they have their own definition that you're aware of yeah because otherwise when they say well i don't think you've done something significant you have to know what you mean by significant others you're going to take that personally so i rarely take
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people's words personally because i know their definition is not the same as mine oh my god yeah tom and i in our marriage we have our own little like blue dictionary because for that exact reason because if i say to him hey babe this is
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really important to me i say the word important three times in a year so you better believe i want his all attention i want him to drop everything now if we haven't had that discussion and he uses the important four times in a day he
44:46
goes okay cool and now i feel completely dismissed because i only use it three times so there's a weight that i bring to that word but he doesn't now does that mean that he's wrong and i'm right no it just means to your point that we
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have different definitions of what that word specifically means so like the one of the worst words i think it does detriment to so many people especially women is the word should that like is the word that literally is like handcuffs so many of
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us i should do this i should be a good wife i should be a good greek wife i should take care of my husband i should put his you know that was what i was taught i should have kids like it didn't even dawn on me that i could ask why do i want kids
45:23
because i just used the word in my head over and over again so powerful and you can make so many big decisions in life with bad language yeah and it's it's scary actually where it can go and if you're someone who feels you have
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done that for a long time you can change words that's the best thing about it you can change your definitions you can change your words all right one more that i want to take uh that i love because this one really really stood out to me is i can be too sensitive
45:53
i think that's one that gives a lot of permission because you're a very practical person i watch your instagram stories and you're always someone who shares what you're feeling but then you share what you do about it yeah and so
46:06
i'll see you go i woke up i didn't want to work out today but here i am or like you know i woke up my gut wasn't great today but then this is what we did like you're very open about the feeling and being sensitive but then moving how did you get good at closing the gap
46:23
between allowing yourself to feel and being sensitive to actually taking action i think because i didn't do i didn't move forward i literally for eight years you know my life was what i feel like was in the purge i can't
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believe you like that i can't even imagine you like that because i've never we never knew each other though yeah we're saying that i feel the same about you when i hear about your your crazy world boys stories when you're young i'm like you
46:44
like it just seems strange but that just actually is great right to show that we really can evolve we really can change by making these different choices in our lives and so for eight years i was making the same choices to stay stuck and so
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i didn't have that how do i incrementally move towards my goal how what am i doing today and so now i've just because of that i just say the way that i feel right now does it serve the thing that i'm trying to do and so sometimes like being sensitive
47:14
can be beautiful right it means that we're in touch with our emotions and that we can actually feel things and especially when you're creative you want that you need to like go with your heart and your emotions but sometimes being too sensitive can
47:26
hold you back yeah and i don't beat myself up over it but i don't think being too sensitive all the time serves you and part of the messaging out there is like no you should be always sensitive and i just go look sometimes it actually
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doesn't serve what you're trying to do that doesn't mean that you should ignore it that doesn't mean that you should beat yourself up over feeling it but if i say okay the way i'm feeling right now doesn't actually help me move forward
47:51
towards impacting that 14 year old girl okay so what am i gonna do i'm gonna fill the fills right i give myself the grace and the cuddle to go okay lisa yes you're here that's okay it's like you know that friend it's all right but does
48:05
this actually help you help that 14 year old girl that feels insecure does that help that other woman that you're trying to help if the answer is no what am i going to do about it because sitting there stuck won't get me there again
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i've been there eight years not moving forward i know what that feels like i know where that gets me it's important for me to acknowledge the truth that we can be sensitive and to just say it's okay all the time won't actually help and so that's where it's like the
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duality of everything i always talk about becomes like these dualities it's like embracing it and then not accepting it it's like i embrace who i am today and yeah i don't accept who i am today i know where i'm trying i want to get
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better every day i want to improve so how do you do both without um you know lacking the enthusiasm to keep moving forward and it always is giving myself the grace that yes i feel like that i'm not going to dismiss that part of me that is what makes me me
49:01
and yet i'm not going to let it hold me back from the life i want i love that i think you've perfectly summed up how a healthy mindset can be where it's not either or it's and right it's both and i think everyone's always like well should you be really
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vulnerable or should you be really like action-oriented and it's like be both yeah like be vulnerable and then take action like should i be really sensitive and compassionate or should i be really brave and courageous it's like be both
49:30
it's like should i be affectionate or assertive it's like be affectionately assertive like be both like you don't and and i think we've just been brought to believe that everything's either raw and what you've just said is no i can be
49:44
both i can embrace myself and i don't have to accept where i'm at can i add more lyrics i think so also is your sensitivity actually warranted now what i mean by that is i still accept it so i never dismiss it but i don't know if it's always
50:01
warranted have you ever been hungry oh a load yeah yeah so literally just by not eating you get mad yeah so think about sensitivity it's the same thing maybe you're really tired that day maybe you haven't eaten for me the biggest
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realization with this whole topic was middle of my gut issues i was in absolute pain i wasn't eating much like i could barely eat so i was extremely malnutritioned like i was 20 pounds lighter and so now i'm in this business meeting we're at quest i'm sitting in
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front of tom and there's like maybe 10 other people and me and him start debating something now this is like i've debated with him so many times up to this point but because my gut was hurting me so much because i couldn't eat and because i was tired he had said
50:42
something and inside i wanted to burst into tears and so i was like you're not going to cry lisa you're not going to cry meeting goes over and i go into his his restroom and i just start tearing up and he walks in thinking that i was like
50:54
had a bad stomach and he sees me in tears first time i'm crying at work a quest so he's really shocked he's like hey what's wrong and i was like you were so mean to me and he's like what is happening right now i've never said that especially at
51:07
work and he's like babe i love you could this possibly be because of your health and of course i was sensitive so i was like don't you dismiss my feelings you know and he's like i'm not trying to dismiss your feelings but let's just take things
51:21
right now for how they are you've never cried at work you've never made it personal never but even by saying you're mean to me is a personal thing how many times have we debated at work you've never had this emotional reaction and the facts are babe you're in pain
51:39
so can we maybe just say that right now you are being sensitive that you may not otherwise feel if your health was better yeah and so in that moment i was like actually you know what sometimes your sensitivity comes from something else
51:55
totally but you take it personally oh you i mean you're spot on i mean i genuinely don't trust myself if i'm hungry on time right like i just don't make good decisions i don't make decisions i don't make choices i will put something off if i'm hungry or i'm
52:10
tired i will say i'll think about it tomorrow i just don't want to make that decision because i know i'll make poor decisions let alone with our feelings yeah and how we treat people yeah and i can remember that actually when i was
52:20
going through health things as well i was a lot snappier i was a lot more irritable you were a little too sensitive yeah exactly yeah i would rather i was way more agitated when i was struggling because you're really what's happening
52:35
is all your body's energy is trying to solve that issue and so you have no energy you don't have any capacity left for the part that you would usually have a little bit of resilience to deal with something that's not comfortable exactly
52:50
and now everything that would have just been uncomfortable becomes personal yes and that's what's happening right because you've lost that capacity for discomfort yes and i've realized that many times when i'm tired or i'm hungry or i'm going through something
53:04
health-wise i lose my ability for discomfort when usually i'd be more than happy to be in discomfort or handle some austerity and the fact that you know that about yourself you know allows you now to maneuver yeah but it's not that
53:18
you dismiss that you're a bad person or that means something about you you just know oh okay i'm not in my full capacity because i'm not i don't have the things i need in order to be able to handle this and not take it personally yeah so
53:29
that's where in the books like it's so important for me to say like look instead like we don't no i'm sensitive and you can't take that away from me it's like yes but does it serve you and is it actually true or is it a reflection of other things in your life
53:44
i love that i love that lisa that's such a powerful and i want everyone who knows listening and watching that this book is full of what i think lisa does really well is take on these really complex ideas simplify them but then still deal with
54:01
the complexity right as you can hear we're going back and forth on this stuff because it's not either raw it's not one or the other it's not like here's the one answer that's going to solve everything it's actually like really
54:12
textured and layered and messy and you've got to think about it at that level if you really want to solve it because just going out there and saying just be sensitive just share your feelings like that's only one half of the issue yeah and and then there's all
54:26
these other layers in between and so i think what lisa does in radical confidence is each of these 10 lessons they're going to simply tell you what to do next but they're also going to help you think about how these ideas and as
54:40
she said at the beginning the muscle builds over time uh lisa thank you for writing this book um i again recommend everyone goes and grabs a copy um you won't be disappointed i genuinely have always loved lisa's storytelling ability you saw it today she's able to
54:58
take you back into a moment in time uh help you to reconnect with that 14 year old girl that she was to reconnect with the housewife she was for eight years you know all of those elements in her life which i think are identities that
55:10
we can all relate to at different times in our own life uh lisa any last words anything that's on your mind anything that's in your heart that you really want to share i want to give you the space to say it no just thank you so
55:21
much for having me and you know you've really been witness as well to kind of me going from behind the scenes you know in front and braddy's been doing the same like it's so beautiful to see like how much you support so many women in your life you know in
55:37
your life so um thank you for being a part of my own journey and being such a good friend and you know my brother from another mother you feel like home dude and i just cannot thank you enough for having me i'm so proud of you for
55:49
putting this together because i just think there's so many people out there who are struggling with these exact questions these exact challenges uh some of the ones that i didn't take for anyone who's listening because i think um you know you'll resonate with these
56:03
ones just people can relate to this how can you develop the mindset to i can set boundaries i can choose how i react i can rescue myself i can be motivated i can boost my confidence i mean these are all things that we all wish we could do
56:20
and i love how the book not only talks about the ideas in the way you'd expect but i think you take this really counter-intuitive approach to giving more depth on each one because i think that was actually the thing that
56:32
held me back is i would read all these one things about and i was like but that isn't really true to me how you show up and i think humans are very you said it earlier humans are complex women were very complex and so it's not binary it's
56:44
not one or the other it's how do you deal with the beauty that makes up you yeah absolutely everyone make sure you subscribe to women of impact make sure you follow lisa on instagram make sure you go and grab a copy of the book you won't be disappointed i
57:00
promise and please do tag me and lisa on any social media platform that you use letting us know what stood out to you what connected with you maybe you're going to take a picture of a page in the book that really resonated with you that
57:11
spoke to you highlight it share it with us online i genuinely love to see the feedback and as you know i do deeply deeply deeply support my friends or authors on this podcast because writing a book is just not easy when someone's
57:24
promoting it and there's lots of cool posters and tv shows and billboards and all this kind of stuff it can look very exciting and it is exciting but the journey of writing a book getting it right printing it getting it
57:37
sorted and then taking out there it's a marathon so if you ever see me share about books very enthusiastically it comes from just knowing that the author's really been through it to get to that stage so that's where my overenthusiasm kicks in but thank you so
57:53
much for listening and watching everyone a big thanks to lisa for joining us today sending you lots of love make sure you pass this on to someone who needs it and i'll see you next time on on purpose thanks everyone if you want even more videos just like
58:06
this one make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here i'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book think like a monk from think like a monkbook.com check below in the description to make sure you order today