it sounds to me like that's really what you've been going through is stopping the tour bus stopping the train stopping it all putting it all to one side putting it on a shelf or putting it in the bin and then going who actually am I as a human being when I'm not in parable yes that's that's why we took the time off I guess you were always supposed to
be a solo artist that's as far as the label were concerned that's why they signed you it took them a long time their plan worked it was very Mecca Valley and it was very patient and long-winded I respect it it's how I go don't worry about it let it go through a whole lot of trials tribulations challenges personal tragedy
come out the other side she'll want to make a solo record trust me it'll happen it's so hard to start but it's hard to start anything right it's hard to start a record it's hard I mean it's hard to start think about your career way way long ago if you knew all the things you were gonna have to do before today being right here where you are today like you
don't want to know all the things that you're gonna have to go through you really don't want to know well I think that's really the essence of depression is that when it gets from being scared about what's gonna happen ten years or a year you become scared about what's gonna happen in the day yeah and then you get scared about what's gonna happen
in an hour and then you get scared about what's happening right in and then you've got no rust to go and then you're paralyzed yeah and I think that that's when it gets really bad and the only way that you can actually get past that is with the help of of others and communication transparency and stare down you got to stare down yeah man you
do in and I seriously did not like starting that journey I did not think it would have been beneficial for me to channel it through music because that's all I've ever done and I guess I thought oh you need to do something different or you're you know and I included music in that you're gonna get the same results if you keep doing the same and also
maybe subconsciously you're thinking like how do I bring this to Tyler and Zach I mean they know and love me and they've been through everything but this is a whole other thing it's like dropping all your baggage all your heaviness on some and saying like you sort the exciting long do it yeah it's one thing to be like I'm gonna write and sing this I'm
gonna handle this and I just want you to to like hold my back like I just want to feel your hand on my back and know that you're here but yeah like when I think about putting this out as a Paramore album it doesn't do justice to the stories themselves and it doesn't do justice to the band it really doesn't well even if you just break it down on it I mean the fact that
we're having this conversation and this shows to be done and all this as I've said in the beginning this infrastructure which is willingly now building around this body of work which includes situations like this like how do Taylor and Zach contribute to this conversation mm-hmm so in its very nature in some ways you just got to see
it through so yeah yes I mean you had to right yeah and when you started that first song did it make the cut the first song yeah when you wrote that song and their opening line right oh wow you started with grief you started with grief you didn't start with rage or lust or mercilessness yeah you started with grief yeah just when I'm ready to love myself those around on
the people I love start to die yeah Wow it really sucks that you do have to dig through the dirtiest to find like the diamonds or something you know like you like you got to burn all of it off my family went through something insane in the middle of I'm working I'm working I'm doing all this work on childhood stuff and and traumas and I'm terrified
of losing people obviously and my Nana who was my mom's mother had this terrible fall and it was right after it was the date her and I share a birthday she's 50 years older than me so she's 81 now on her the day after her 80th my 30th she fell like all the way down my mom's stairs and head trauma like the kind of thing that we just had we had
said goodbye to her right and the weirdest thing is that she got better but it prolonged the grief because she's not really here with us she does really remember everything thankfully she knows who I am she knows my mom is but she really doesn't it was so tough and felt like there was a lot of death at the time people that we knew people
you know a lot of disease like family friends and stuff and I just thought like what is the point of loving people like why even in my in the best case scenario is I fall in love we have a life together and then we lose one or the other so that is one of the greatest paradoxes of all time yeah and the ultimate test for any love that is it because I have these
thoughts as well yeah and it's immediately makes you want to protect yourself but then you're not gonna have the experience yeah then you the more you love the more you stand to lose but it's like the more I let it like I I mean I'm I struggle with it all time yeah and and that is you're terrified of losing people I'm so scared I am Not
Afraid of of me going I'm not afraid of that I don't even fear how it would ever happen you know and I've been on the brain I mean I the darkest oppression all of that like that doesn't bother me but thinking about losing other people oh man like that is that what's all right well this we're just gonna go there okay when you're in the darkest
place and those thoughts crossed your mind we have to address of what it is I'm sure everyone has I have you had suicidal thoughts yeah what about it oh yeah yeah is it the thought of others losing you rather than you being afraid to leave that ultimately it brings you back into the place what what keeps you moving forward during after laughter it was really it
was really rough and my dog is the reason I'm alive because he would have been waiting on me to get home no matter what and you know how how you know little sweet little puppies just like sit and they wait and I couldn't think about it and so oh whoa never cried in an interview before um Soho yeah I just I just couldn't and I'm
glad you know cuz because life is still hard it didn't become just like a breeze you know overnight or anything and it's and it's been years and it's still not a breeze but it's so rich and now that I'm taking account of all these feelings and I'm feeling all of them there's this beautiful rainbow versus just the deep
end you know yeah these the experiences that ultimately lead to the greater purpose that you ultimately feel when you get there and you recognize like your whole value system change and then you look back on what you're aspiring to try to achieve them what you thought was gonna make you happy fill you up and give you this joy and you realize it's
all just these superficial things that really comes down to who you are as a person and how you look at yourself and how you see yourself that is the journey that is the greatest hottest braid you ever cross and thing to be effective as a nurturer yet God across it yes you know what did it for me is thinking about you ever don't EMDR and therapy
you ever done like visualization that's all I did yes yes okay yes in fact that was very effective for me it's powerful yeah I had to do work on these questions that I had for my mom right and and I was asked to see myself during this timeframe that I was in my that was spinning in my memory and it was probably four or five and I was asked to hold her so you don't
think of that person as yourself right at first you think this is a innocent child that like doesn't deserve to grow up in the world and you start to realize that the power and you to take care and to protect and at the same time I was going through this you had bird box out on Netflix you had like you had like Handmaid's Tale and like moms were
peppermint with Jennifer Garner you had all these movies and all these super protective yeah like revenge films and cuts like a mother that's where it comes from because I realized now I think that it's actually an eight in all of us I don't think you have to be a mom you know even a woman at all I think it's innate and all of us to
take care of and it's learning to take care of ourselves that is so hard and you man like I'm learning so much about it I'm like you said I'll never be perfect at it nope now you appreciate the process right right at least I'm doing it at least I'm trying right well the fact that you have taken and you are taking what you're learning and applying
it into into music like you said isn't it was no that's not a given here yeah you could have come back around feeling better about yourself and made a Paramore record and let's move on let's write some fun songs I feel great now life is great the curtains are opened up and the sun is shining and everything is cool it's rock right but but we've got
kids for armor and we've got these songs that deal in grief hmm leave it alone the Dylan rage you know the opening of the project you know rage the first word [Music] incredible way to start a project with that it's like man deal with this in this really beautifully produced environment which Taylor is just I mean Qahhar mighty you guys are just perfect
like he he sees what you want to say and just he's like a designer he's like fashion designer yes he's like I know exactly what your shape how you're gonna pop and how you're gonna stand out right and it's so beautifully produced and I and and I know rage is a hugely powerful thing but it's obviously something you had to learn to accept and wonder how you were
gonna control because as you said it just shows up in front of your face and comes out of nowhere for me literally like the way that I experience my anger is heat in my face like it is visceral and I mostly I think I mostly tap into it without shame when it's for the sake of somebody else right when it's for me I I go straight into shame
oh man you don't need to be feeling this it's bad it's bad it's about Taylors the first person that ever told me anger is neither a bad nor a good emotion it's just a it's an emotion it's a feeling it's a thing and you don't have to assign it to something I could just let it breathe just feel it um I had the hardest time being angry while we were writing after
laughter and I clearly had a lot to be mad about but I was depressed and I think often depression is masking other you know more pointed feelings while you're trying to say something but you you're actually denying yourself their chance to do it and therefore you're creating a cage around yourself yes which is the definition of
depression right you're just blunting the edges of everything like you're just blunting your sword let this EP as it stands this project I should say those farmers that stand stand right here immerse yourself in it love it it's yours now to apply right yes thank you so much for doing this today I'm I'm nervous I'm excited I feel all the feelings