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People don't want perfect. They want authentic.
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People don't want flawless. They want vulnerable.
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People don't want polished. They want real.
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People don't want the highlight reel.
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They want the human behind it.
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People don't want performance. They want presence.
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People don't want someone who has it all together.
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They want someone who's willing to figure it out.
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Because perfection may impress.
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But vulnerability connects.
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The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.
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The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
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Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty.
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Welcome back to On Purpose.
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Today's episode is all about what to do when no one believes in you or supports you.
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The sad truth is, I hear this wherever I am in the world.
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When I'm traveling, when I'm meeting people, when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is, "Jay, the people around me don't believe in me.
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The people around me don't support me.
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The people around me don't encourage me.
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Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company, if I start my podcast, if I write my book, if I build my business, the people around me are going to tear it down before I even have the chance to build it up."
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And a lot of us are walking through life feeling alone.
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Maybe you've actually felt disconnected from your community. Maybe you felt isolated.
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Where you think, "Why does no one help me?
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Why does no one believe in me?
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Why does no one support me?"
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If you've ever felt any of those things, and you're struggling with that self-belief, that self-doubt, this episode is for you.
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Here's the first thing I'm going to say. Stop seeking support. Start creating proof.
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The science says we experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect.
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We overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us.
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Here's why that's counterintuitive.
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We think we need validation before we act.
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But in reality, people often believe in you after you prove the idea works, not before. Imagine this. You're at a party.
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You say something you think is obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs. No one's impressed. You're confused.
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You thought everyone would get the joke because in your head it was obvious. It made sense. It was normal.
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That moment, that awkward silence, that's the false consensus effect in action.
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The false consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that other people think the way we do because our opinions feel obvious, logical, even universal to us.
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In other words, if I believe this, most people probably do, too. Spoiler, they don't. And science proves it.
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The science says this term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green, and Andrew House in the late 1970s.
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In one famous study, they gave people a tough moral choice, then asked them to guess what others would choose.
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Every group believed their choice was the majority option.
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But when the results came in, the actual opinions were split.
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Nobody was as obviously right as they thought they were.
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Now, why does this matter?
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This bias shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new.
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You assume your idea is clearly brilliant, but others don't get it.
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You think people will obviously support you, but they don't.
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You expect everyone to see what you see, but they're not in your head.
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The problem isn't your idea.
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It's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway.
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Just because it's clear to you, doesn't mean it's clear to others.
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And that's not a flaw, it's a reminder. You're early. You're unique.
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You're supposed to be misunderstood at first.
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Instead of expecting everyone to agree, get curious. Ask more. Listen better. Explain smarter.
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And when people don't get it, don't panic. That's not a red flag.
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That's the beginning of something original. Try this today.
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Make something small and tangible that shows your idea works.
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A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot, a mock-up. Stop pitching. Start proving.
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Don't try to convince people.
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Show them what they didn't expect to see.
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Don't try to impress people.
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Show yourself you can do it.
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Don't explain your vision to people committed to small thinking.
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Protect your energy and prove it through action.
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Don't beg to be understood.
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Stay focused long enough to become undeniable.
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Don't wait to be believed in.
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Become the reason they rethink what's possible. We have to start. We have to begin. We have to get going.
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People won't believe in you before you start.
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They might not even believe in you after you start.
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They might not even believe in you when you win and succeed. Just start. Just get going. Just move.
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If you wait for people to believe in you before you start, you could wait forever.
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If you wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever.
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And if you want someone to think you're going to do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever.
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Don't wish, want, and wait your way into never moving.
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Make that change, make that shift, and notice how your life changes.
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The second thing you have to understand is rejection is usually protection.
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Studies on psychological projection show that people often reject others' ideas because of their own fears, insecurities, or limitations.
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This is surprising because their no may have nothing to do with your idea, your potential, and everything to do with their past and their issues.
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The reason someone says no to you is more likely that someone said no to them.
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The reason someone rejects your idea is because they rejected their own.
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The reason someone doesn't think you're going to make it is because they didn't have someone who believed in them.
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Their projection is not a prediction of your potential.
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It is simply a mirror of their past.
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Don't let someone's projection become a prediction for your future.
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You don't have to do that.
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And recognize maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point and they couldn't.
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Maybe they wanted to start an app at one point and they didn't.
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Maybe they had an idea and someone told them not to do it.
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They're simply reflecting what was projected onto them onto you.
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We don't have to reflect it back. Try this today.
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Next time someone doubts you don't internalize it.
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Ask yourself is this about me or about what they've told themselves?
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People will project their limits onto your vision.
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Don't let people break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs.
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Don't let people who haven't done it create doubts for you.
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Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want.
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Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience.
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Don't take direction from someone who's never moved.
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They're not wrong or bad.
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They're just trying to protect you.
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But don't project that fear onto yourself.
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A lot of the times when I've shared risks I wanted to take and I'd family members or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen.
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I realized they just wanted me to be safe.
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I remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially pursue some postgraduate study, and everyone around me said, "Jay, well, how will you pay your bills?
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How will you pay for your wedding?
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How will you take care of your future?"
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Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it.
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Those were just reminders that they valued those things.
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They were showing me they valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability.
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And those are not bad values.
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People are not being mean.
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They're simply sharing what they care about.
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And it's your job to decide whether you care about those things or whether you don't.
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Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx, didn't tell her family about what she was building because she didn't want to hear that opinion.
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And that's something I'd encourage you to do as well.
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Too many of us share our ideas with too many people.
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We want everyone to get around this.
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We want the validation and the approval. And what does that do? It does two things.
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The first is it opens you up to lots of feedback from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business, or understand that area.
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You've opened yourself up to everyone's emotional baggage. That was your choice.
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And the second thing is, whether they support you or not, you've taken energy away from the decision.
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I learned something really important when I was in the monastery.
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That if you share something before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it, you've taken away 50% of the energy from that idea because you have searched for validation and approval before you've even put in the work. Put in the work first.
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Don't look for approval before you've put in the work.
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Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work because chances are you won't get it both times. Get it from yourself.
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Do the work to prove what you're capable of.
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Take on the challenge to show what's possible for you.
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Number three, use doubt as a focus filter.
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According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of pressure and resistance can increase focus and drive.
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See, this is why it's counterintuitive.
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We think support makes us stronger, but actually resistance can make us sharper.
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Use the no as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today.
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List every reason people said your idea won't work and build solutions around them.
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Turn every criticism into a checklist. Doubt doesn't mean stop. It means refine.
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Doubt doesn't mean give up. It means redefine.
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Doubt doesn't mean this is the end. It means start again.
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Support doesn't always make you stronger.
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Sometimes resistance does.
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Support doesn't always make it easier.
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Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good.
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Resistance shows you what you're made of. Support cheers you on.
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Resistance dares you to keep going without applause.
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Support says, "I believe in you."
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Resistance says, "Prove it to yourself."
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Support can carry you, but resistance it builds your muscle.
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Don't resent the resistance. Use it.
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Let it shape your focus, sharpen your edge, and remind you if you can do it without the noise, you're ready for the stage.
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When we're waiting, and I see this happen to so many people when I travel and speak to them, we're waiting for the stage, we're waiting for the invite in order to be our best self.
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Not realizing that when we become our best self, we get invited onto the stage.
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By the way, I remember this.
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I did the same thing to myself for years.
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I used to think "Yes, when I get the opportunity."
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And then I realized, just take every opportunity.
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I remember speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm in right now, speaking to empty rooms. No one there.
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Just four walls, and I would practice my speech as if it was full of 100 people.
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And now, when I have the fortune of being live at the Greek Theatre with 5,000 people, doing an event recently at the Theater at MSG with 5,000 of you as well, I often think back to that moment when there were zero to five people in a room.
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And the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty much the same.
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What I mean by that is if you're sad that only 10 people watched your video, switch it to 10 people watched my video.
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If you're sad that you got 100 views, think about that for a second.
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When have you ever had 100 people turn up to hear you speak?
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If you're not happy that you only have 10,000 followers, ask yourself, have you ever even seen 10,000 people in one place show up for you?
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It's when we become grateful, thoughtful, and focused on the growth that we've already made, that we gain more energy for the next phase.
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When you're climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints.
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One is looking up and ahead, and the other is looking down and behind.
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You look down to see how far you've come, and you look up to see how far you have left to go.
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Both of those viewpoints are important.
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When you look down as to how far you've come, you get energy to move forward.
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And when you look at how far you have left to go, you feel grounded and humbled by the challenge.
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If you only look up, you'll feel discouraged.
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And if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant.
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Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin.
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They'll keep you trapped and stuck, and not help you move forward.
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What we actually want is humility and proof.
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Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey.
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Number four, build a belief battery from strangers.
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The Ben Franklin effect shows that when we engage with others in small reciprocal ways, trust builds faster even among strangers. It's really surprising.
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Your biggest supporters might not be friends and family.
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In fact, research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new ideas because they're not attached to your past.
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This is Adam Grant's research. Imagine this.
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You post your new business idea, podcast, or personal project online.
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You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends and family will hype it up. Instead, silence.
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No comment from your cousin, no reshare from your closest friend, not even a fire emoji from your roommate.
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Then, someone you've never met DMs you.
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"This is exactly what I needed. Keep going." Why does that happen?
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Because here's the truth.
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The people closest to you aren't always the ones most likely to support your growth.
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The people closest to you are not the most likely to believe in you.
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The people closest to you are not the first to cheer for you.
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Because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know, that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to remind you that what you're doing matters.
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According to organizational psychologist Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied to your past.
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Here's the psychology behind it.
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Your inner circle knows your before.
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They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts, your unfinished drafts.
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So, when you evolve, they subconsciously compare it to who you used to be.
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It's called identity anchoring.
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They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. "Oh, that's just Sarah.
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She always starts things, but never follows through."
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Or they look at you and say, "That's not like you."
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Or, "Since when are you a podcaster?"
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They don't mean to limit you, but their memory of your past gets in the way of their belief in your future.
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Their memory of your past gets in the way of their belief in your future.
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But you don't have to let that stop you.
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There's an amazing scene in the movie The Founder.
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If you've not seen it, it's the story of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the powerhouse that it is today.
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Now, whatever your thoughts are on McDonald's, it's an interesting story.
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He's sitting at a table at a members club sharing his new business idea, that is the franchise model for McDonald's.
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And all of his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about so many businesses and failed. And they list them off.
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Ray knows this is different.
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He feels it's different, but he can't convince them. He has to show it. He has to prove it.
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He has to go and do it for them to come around.
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Meanwhile, strangers, they're re-meeting your present.
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They don't know how many times you've hesitated.
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They don't care about your high school GPA, your failed blog, or your awkward first try.
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They see your work, your message, your energy as it is, not as it was.
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And that gives them the clarity to say, "This deserves a shot." So, here's the takeaway.
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Don't be discouraged when support doesn't come from the people you expected.
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Be proud you showed up anyway.
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And remember, your audience might not come from your past.
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It's waiting in your future. So, keep building.
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Let strangers become supporters.
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Let your results rewrite your story, and let the people who used to know you catch up.
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Because often, the people who will believe in your next chapter haven't met you yet. So, try this today.
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Find three people online doing what you want to do. Comment, share, message.
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Start building belief outside your circle.
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If your people don't see it yet, find the ones who already live it.
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Step number five, create before you're confident.
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This is the most important step.
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You don't become confident before you start.
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You don't become confident before you try.
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You don't become confident before you fail.
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You don't become confident before you do the thing.
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The science shows this, too.
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It's called the competence-confidence loop.
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The competence-confidence loop shows that action builds belief, not the other way around.
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We wait to feel ready, but confidence is a result of experience, not a requirement to begin.
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Choose one micro action that represents your idea.
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Launch the first draft, post the first video, offer the first service.
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Confidence doesn't come first. Commitment does.
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Now, here's the confidence myth no one talks about.
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We've been sold this idea, "Once I feel confident, then I'll start."
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But here's what psychology proves, that mindset is backwards.
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According to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist and the father of self-efficacy theory, confidence doesn't come before action. It comes because of it. Now, what does it mean?
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When you take action, especially on something new, you build competence.
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A sense of I can do this.
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That competence creates evidence, and your brain uses that evidence to build confidence.
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So, every time you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing, you're training your belief that you can.
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We wait for confidence like it's a permission slip.
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But confidence is more like a side effect of showing up.
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People think public speakers are born confident. Nope.
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Most of them were just the first ones willing to bomb and come back.
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They earned it through reps, not readiness.
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Bandura's research shows that self-efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed, increases when you have small wins.
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These are known as mastery experiences.
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It also increases when you see others succeed. Vicarious experiences.
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We think seeing others succeed means we have less chance of succeeding.
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Actually, it's the opposite.
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When you see others succeed, it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize it's available.
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I've had so many of my friends start social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels, and it's incredible to watch their rise.
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It's incredible to see them give their gift to the world.
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And what I'm encouraging my community and the people around me to do is say, "Hey, when you see people, celebrate that success."
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And then, of course, verbal encouragement.
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Social persuasion helps as well.
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This reduces fear and anxiety through exposure.
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Confidence doesn't require perfection. It requires evidence. Try this today.
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Instead of asking, "Do I feel confident enough to start?"
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ask, "What's one small action I can take to build proof that I can do this?" Send the email. Record the first minute.
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Write the first sentence.
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Show up even if you're shaking.
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Remember, affirmations don't build confidence.
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Likes and views don't build confidence.
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Being told you're great doesn't build confidence.
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Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence.
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There are only three things that build confidence.
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Choosing discomfort builds confidence.
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Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence.
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And building competence builds confidence.
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Step number six, make failure public strategically.
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The signs shows that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds of success.
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Also, vulnerability builds trust.
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People support you when they see the risk you're taking.
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Instead of hiding your risk or hiding your fear of failure, name it, own it, and invite people into the ride.
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Here's what I want you to say.
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Here's what I'm building.
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Here's what might not work. I'm doing it anyway.
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That honesty earns respect even if people still don't fully get the vision.
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I remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, "Hey, I'm trying this experiment.
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I'd love for you to join the journey.
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If you want to be a part of it, great.
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If you don't, I totally understand."
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And all of a sudden, it let people know that I was launching without launching.
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When you kind of drum up this build up to this big launch, it almost feels like too much pressure.
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And now everyone's expecting it to be perfect.
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When actually, when you soft launch and go, "Hey, I'm trying something. I'm giving it a go. I hope it does well." you get far more energy.
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You don't win support by hiding risk.
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You earn it by owning it.
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Because people don't want perfect. They want authentic.
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People don't want flawless, they want vulnerable.
26:55
People don't want polished, they want real.
26:59
People don't want the highlight reel, they want the human behind it.
27:04
People don't want performance, they want presence.
27:08
People don't want someone who has it all together, they want someone who's willing to figure it out.
27:15
Because perfection may impress, but vulnerability connects.
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It's one of the reasons since my first videos why I left me scuffing words, why I may not perfect every delivery point, why you may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts, it's because it was real.
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It actually happened, and it's why I do a lot of things without a lot of editing because I just want you to see my thought process.
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I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea because that's when it's powerful.
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It's that inception moment of discovery, of clarity, of connecting that resonates because it's real.
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It's heart-to-heart, it's human-to-human.
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So, don't feel that you have to be a perfect public speaker or a perfect coder or a perfect podcaster or whatever it is to get out there. Here is number seven.
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Don't try to prove people wrong, focus on proving yourself right.
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People with intrinsic motivation, driven by personal meaning, outperform those with external motivation like proving someone wrong, especially in the long term.
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Here's why it's counterintuitive.
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Revenge success sounds good, but purpose-driven success lasts longer.
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Revenge ultimately leads to resentment.
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Resentment of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and resentment for lost time.
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Purpose-driven success builds confidence, helps you understand your potential, and creates passion. So, try this today.
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Write a mission statement.
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Not for others, but for yourself.
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You're not doing this to make them look bad.
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You're doing this to find what you care about.
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You're not doing this to prove them wrong.
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You're doing this to find something that you like doing.
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You're not doing this because they didn't believe in you.
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You're doing this because you want to learn to believe in yourself.
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Keep it somewhere visible. That's your anchor.
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So, if no one's clapping for your idea yet, good. That means you're early.
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That means you're building something most people can't see.
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Support may come later, but your belief has to come first.
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Because at the end of the day, if you don't believe in your idea enough to stand alone for a while, you're not going to be ready for the crowd that comes after.
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Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
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If this episode helped you, the best thing you can do is pass it along to a friend, share it on social media.
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I love seeing what's resonating with you on TikTok and Instagram.
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And most importantly, back yourself.
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Loud, quietly, relentlessly, even if no one else does.
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And remember, I'm always rooting for you, and I'm forever in your corner.
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If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Meghan Trainor on breaking generational trauma, and how to be confident from the inside out.
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My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for 5 minutes.
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It was already tough for me to love my body, but after the C-section scar with all the stretch marks, now I'm looking at myself like I've been hacked.
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But, day three when I did it, I was like, "You know what? Her thighs are cute."