0:00
It's the hottest wing I've ever had in my mouth. Right now? Oh my god.
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It settled a little bit, huh? All right. Wow. Yeah. god.
0:11
Hey, what's going on everybody for First We Feast?
0:12
I'm Sean Evans and you're watching Hot Ones.
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It's the show with hot questions and even hotter wings.
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And today I'm joined by comedian Artie Lange.
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You know him from his decades in stand-up, his books, TV, and movies as well as the Howard Stern Show.
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You can catch him on HBO's hit series Crashing and at a comedy club near you.
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Artie, welcome to the show.
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Wow, you're a nice guy, man.
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If you're going to eat hot sauce for me, Artie, we'll extend, we'll at least meet you halfway. I'm happy to be here.
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How are you with hot food? Good. I grew up Italian.
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My mother My mom's side of the family actually in particular used to fry hot green peppers, you know, with olive oil and you could put that on anything that would taste good. And they were very hot.
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You're experimenting a little It was insane. That was insane.
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You know, but I'm into it. I like it.
1:12
And you'll start at the handle, Artie, and then we'll work our way to the end of the paddle.
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So, the first wing is with Valentina. Oh, it's on already. Mhm.
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When I eat, I end up looking like Vito Antuofermo.
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Google him, you'll laugh your ass off.
1:33
Since we're wanting to do on Hot Ones, I want to start by taking it way back when you were moonlighting as a New York City cab driver while trying to get your stand-up career off the ground.
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Did anyone ever bail on a fare?
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Did anyone ever try to sneak out of the cab on you? Twice. What'd you do? I let them go. I don't care.
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Why am I going to run down, you know, some serial killer for a couple of bucks and for a yellow cab guy? No.
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I saw a cab driver get shot right next to me on 56th and Broadway.
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A guy was trying to get out of the car without paying and he went for him and the kid the kid took out a pistol shot him right through the under the chair of the seat.
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Went right through the guy and survived it from what I heard, but I had to go to the hospital with him.
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It was a pain in the ass.
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I never got robbed though.
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You ready to move on, Arty? In my life?
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We got some ice water coming in.
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Another one I got there, you know? Little sizzle. Yeah. Is my sizzle real?
2:33
So, you once distinguished the Arty Lange Show by saying it's for real men in the sea of and these days there does seem to be a growing disconnect between the fans in the nosebleed section Right.
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and then the dweebs who cover professional sports. Yeah.
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So, what I want to do is bounce some hot topic sports issues off of you because I think that the sports media misses the Arty Lange perspective. Okay, you got it.
2:56
As a Giants die hard, what are your thoughts on Odell Beckham Jr.?
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I'm going to be like my Uncle Sonny watching football games.
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I'm going to be like, "Stop doing that. Shut up."
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And I was literally doing that when he did the dog pissing on the the fire hydrant. I'm like, "Come on." You We didn't win.
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You don't have a ring yet.
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If you're going to act like that, you got to have a ring.
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You know, Lawrence Taylor who was always a bit of a jerk off, but he didn't go way far up until he got a ring.
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You know, uh he hasn't won anything Odell yet.
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Does Alex Rodriguez dating Jennifer Lopez give you a more favorable or less favorable opinion of him?
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Uh less if that was possible.
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You know, in the '70s the job the Yankees had a job in the summer.
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They were plumbers or their wives looked like me.
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They don't want to go home.
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You know, and I related to them.
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Now, I don't relate to them.
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She She's a bad dude with the hot crooked and I want to kill him.
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Is it true that you can name every World Series matchup and winner since 1949 from memory?
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to '50 I can name the two people two teams in the series, who won? 1971?
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1971, the Pirates beat the Orioles. Uh in seven games.
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1959 In 1959, the the Dodgers beat the White Sox.
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Sandy Koufax 1990 1990, the Reds swept the A's.
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This is how Jack Buck, Joe Buck's father, started that telecast.
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Here's Bonds, fly ball left, Larkin there, he's got it.
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That's the way this one starts till they give you the lineup.
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What's your position on the Red Sox stealing signs with the help of an Apple Watch?
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I have a very, very love-hate thing going on with Boston.
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I always hated them as a kid, Yankees-Red Sox, Bucky Dent, the whole thing, but I do stand up in Boston.
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I make more money there than anywhere.
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They're they're just down-to-earth, great people. I love them.
4:35
I got kicked off the entire corporate circuit because I made this joke at an Apple party they had.
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I said, "In the gay community, Tim Cook's is known as applesauce."
4:45
You said that at an Apple I said that at an Apple event, yeah.
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I mean, people You know, it's not an insult, really.
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It it's like I kind of made me a fun of the applesauce, makes sense, you know?
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We have to know laughter.
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I My follow-up was is urine is apple juice. And again, nothing.
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I was escorted out of the facility. I mean, I don't know.
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Would you think that's an insult? I You know what?
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I think if you're going to hire Artie Lange to speak at your event, then I think you have to deal with the consequences, whatever they are. That's my position.
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That would have been a perfect answer. This is where we are.
5:19
We're sitting in a major building in New York City.
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Yeah, I don't I think when people see it on YouTube, I think they're like, he must shoot it out of his garage.
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I don't think they realize it. this is the building? I'm like, yeah.
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I did the billion-dollar Stern Show blog from here.
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That's a great segue, Artie.
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I love when that happens on Hot Ones, because I'd be remiss if I didn't talk to you about your time at the Howard Stern Show.
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I know that there are a lot of fans that miss you.
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Who is your favorite Wack Packer of all time? Beetlejuice.
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I mean, it's hard to beat Beetlejuice. an astonishing life.
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I decided to get help when he told me I was a mess.
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Beetlejuice is my number, yeah.
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And I just fell off the stage in Vegas drunk.
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He called me and left a voicemail, "Artie, you're beat. You're a mess."
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When the toothless black says you're a mess, you get help.
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Besides your assistant Teddy, which Stern staffer did you fight with most often?
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Oh, man, that's a good question. Probably Gary.
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When he threw out that first pitch and I goofed on him, he was mad about it.
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He was I was really mean.
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I'm like, "Are you talking to the same guy that When I call in dying of heroin jewels, you play it on the air.
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So, you throw out a first pitch like one of the Olsen twins and I can't make fun of it?"
6:31
Me and Gary fought a lot.
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Afghanistani weasel is way into that.
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Who's your favorite recurring guest between George Takei, Jim Brewer, and John Stamos? George Takei. We became friends.
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Still to this day the meanest thing we've ever done I think on Sterner I've ever done in my life, and that's saying a lot.
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I came out to George Takei on hidden camera.
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And he fell for hook, line, and sinker.
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I was going to come out the next day on radio and he was going to help me through it. I felt so terrible.
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I said to Howard, and I wrote this word, I said, "We have to say we have to call him and say it's not."
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This is a person who went through that in real life.
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Like, you know, I felt terrible.
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And then he was probably so comforting to you.
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Right, he was the nicest person ever.
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I said, "He had to do that."
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Like, he had to tell like his father that.
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And we're goofing on him. We can't do it.
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I'll And then Howard said, "If you tell him, you're fired."
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So, the next day he thinks I'm going to come out. I don't. We tell him it's a joke. This is his reaction.
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He laughs and goes, "Oh, you scoundrel." That's all he did.
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Scott bought it and giggled his ass off. Yeah, that's fair.
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I'm going to feel that one in the morning.
7:40
So, as anyone who's followed your career knows, you've cheated the devil a million times.
7:43
There are a lot of city miles on the odometer.
7:46
Besides Vegas, where does one find the best strip clubs in the country? Atlanta, Tampa, Houston.
7:54
I had a chick in Arizona once tell me she wrote a spec script for Everybody Loves Raymond. A stripper.
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I go, "Are you a comedian?" I go, "Yeah."
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She goes, "Do you know Ray Romano?"
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And I said, "He's like my best friend." I've met him twice.
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And I She goes, "I have a spec script for Everybody Loves Raymond."
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I said, "Sure, go get it."
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But she was kind of creepy and I left without getting it.
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Like the biggest mistake ever.
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We'd have that script right now.
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I like that that she had a hard copy with her.
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She's like, "Yo, let me just run in the back a celebrity to come in, I guess.
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And I'm the closest to a celebrity. Can you imagine?
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Like, "Oh, I'll settle for this."
8:27
Oh, homeboy's fire Chipotle. Mhm.
8:30
That that is excellent, though. You enjoyed that.
8:32
No, actually that's like a nice sort of classy thing to do. Thank you, Arty. You're welcome.
8:37
All right, so we have a recurring segment on our show called Explain That Gram, where we do a deep dive on our guest's Instagram, pull interesting pictures that need more context.
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been pulled over by a cop, Explain That Gram, I've heard of it.
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All right, so uh I'm into this.
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Well, this time we put a little twist on it for Arty Lange.
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We pulled some great Arty Lange throwbacks.
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So, I'll show you the throwback and then you tell me the bigger story. Does that sound good?
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me feel like a like a celebrity.
9:01
Arty, you are a celebrity. Yeah. The laptop? Laptop. like DJ Tiësto. There you Wow. I know.
9:09
I like the reference, Arty. Unexpected. Very good. kids. It'll play well. It'll play well.
9:16
All right, Arty, first things first.
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You and Chris Farley on the Dirty Work set.
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Dirty Work was his last movie, Farley? Right.
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And uh in between uh shooting Dirty Work and dying, he did uh Saturday Night Live. He hosted it.
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So, Norm said he's out of control, you got to come to the after party and help me watch him.
9:31
That's how out of control it was.
9:32
I I was asked to watch him.
9:34
Norm MacDonald and Arty Lange are the uh are babysitting. Yeah, exactly.
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So, uh Norm leaves for a couple of minutes and I see Chris disappear into a bathroom with Andy Dick. True story.
9:43
5 minutes he's in there, he comes out giggling.
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Norm comes back and goes, "What's going on?" I go, "Bad news, man.
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He went into a bathroom with Andy Dick for 5 minutes and you know, there's only two reasons a guy goes into a bathroom with Andy Dick and neither of one is good."
9:56
And without missing a beat, Norm said, "Holy I hope he's high."
10:04
So good news, he was high.
10:06
Speaking of Norm Oh, there he is.
10:08
You and Norm Yeah, well, there's a few guys I can point to who helped took a chance on me when I I was either going to go to the joint or rehab and it was Norm, Howard and Quincy Jones who did that movie.
10:20
We did a buddy comedy together. We met at the audition.
10:22
I got terrible reviews when it came out.
10:25
My hometown paper said Artie Lange has all the charm of a date rapist. True story.
10:29
That's what the guy said in the review.
10:31
So Norm said to me, "Hey man, that's great.
10:35
A date rapist has that way more charm than a regular rapist.
10:38
He does things that are so ballsy.
10:38
Takes a lot of risks and it makes him fun.
10:40
But it also makes him very dangerous. One more for you, Artie. There you go.
10:47
You and Eli Manning and Donald Trump playing golf.
10:50
Easily the smartest one there. Me. Easily. Not even close.
10:54
You're talking about two dolts.
10:57
I had just roasted Trump.
10:57
He thought I was funny even though he hated the last joke I did and he asked if I would do stand-up at an event and Eli was with me and I had just that that bit I did about him and his brother and the mouth breathing was on an album of mine.
11:08
He's like that the whole time. He's like a little kid.
11:11
"What did you say about me?" I'm like, "Just shut up.
11:14
Didn't you beat Tom Brady twice and you be on a Hooters yacht somewhere? You're golfing with me."
11:20
And he was sincere when he was kind of like going after you about the Oh, yeah.
11:23
It was like you know, genuine like that southern sucker that we think of as You think that archetype? Sort of.
11:28
You could run a con on him easy. Dirty dick. Dirty dicks. Oh, I have a dirtier.
11:39
This doesn't taste like dirty dick.
11:43
I can well I'll keep going back out.
11:46
Anyone who's heard you singing Biggie's Give Me the Loot knows that you could have moonlit as an MC if you wanted to.
11:54
Is there a common DNA between comedy and rap in your opinion?
11:56
Cuz there's something about the rawness of expression in rap seems to appeal to you. Yeah.
12:01
Uh with certain guys like Biggie Smalls.
12:04
I really think that guy was some sort of genius.
12:06
You know, Eminem and that DMX guy.
12:09
Their songs weren't always about having the hottest chicks or the most money.
12:13
Like it was the direct opposite.
12:14
I'm pissed off cuz I'm I'm ugly or whatever and and I got no money and no broads and that's why I deal blow and stuff like that.
12:23
It's like the other guys did it cuz it's cool.
12:25
These guys are like, "No, I got to deal coke."
12:28
I remember you called Kanye West overrated.
12:29
Has your opinion of Kanye West evolved or do you still think Yeezy's full of I don't care if his music's the greatest ever.
12:35
I'm not going there cuz he's such an ass.
12:38
I mean, he's just such an But my my thinking is he'll be the next president.
12:46
It's a rewarding track here. Mhm.
12:49
I I popped the dirty dick one. Okay.
12:55
So when you were coming up and you were doing a gig in Cincinnati, whatever you would say would just be between you and maybe the three to 400 people in the comedy club.
13:02
And these days now every punchline can go from a smartphone to a Twitter firestorm in a matter of minutes.
13:09
Is that a death nail for the modern comedian?
13:11
Do you ever think about it? Yes, I do. It's a great question.
13:13
And that is preventing people from taking risk.
13:17
You don't take risk, you're not going to get You'll have the same 7 minutes. It's sickening.
13:20
It used to be like true art in the sense that it's just you and those people in the room.
13:24
I say what I got to say to get off stage get paid, but now it's the whole world in the room.
13:29
And then too, you've leaned into some things that have become no-fly zones in popular culture.
13:33
Have you ever been checked by another comedian on it, or is it just sort of Twitter armchair pundits, the public that are up in arms? It's funny.
13:41
Yeah, that that's a great question because I I I have Bob Schimmel told me, yeah, some of what you do is just for the shock thing. I'm like, I know.
13:48
Like, I never claimed to be some great comic.
13:49
I just make I'm good enough at it to make some sort of living.
13:53
I uh I don't want to be known as a good comic.
13:55
I don't want to be known as a guy who I don't want to be on any lists because then you have to answer questions that uh is going to show me to be a fraud.
14:04
Some of the best questions I've ever been asked, that's for sure. You're a good guy. I I got immediate kick. I mean, yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. That's the best one. The bomb.
14:22
Oh yeah, I'm sweating like uh like uh someone just asked me where the stash box is. Wow. Yeah. It's getting real. Yeah, yeah.
14:35
I have a couple of friends who just eat these like it's like M&M, you know?
14:38
You got to check their DNA or something.
14:39
Some people are crazy at the peppers and stuff.
14:42
Yeah, like right now I don't feel like I could ever have kids right now. By the way, the flag.
14:53
I want to compliment everything that you got going here, Artie.
14:57
I look like your skipper, but I have a Gilligan hat. You know what?
14:59
You've been known to apologize for your look from time to time.
15:03
Yes, it is very hot, Artie. Oh my god.
15:06
In the day and age when the dadbod is trending and not trying too hard is the new gold standard, I think you could make a case for Artie as a fashion icon.
15:15
So, what I want to do is I want to bust out the laptop again.
15:17
I want to show you some of the most iconic Artie Lange red carpet looks, and then if you can just break down the ensemble for me. Does that sound good? There you go.
15:30
Bring in some more ice water for Artie. war student. Thank you.
15:33
Chris Schonberger at the rare cameo.
15:36
Is this a 50th surprise party for me? Are you enjoying this?
15:40
Dude, I'm actually having a very good time.
15:42
It's good to know, Artie.
15:43
I hope this is some of this is usable. All right, Artie. Oh, no. Oh.
15:50
That's at the beach bowl. I couldn't tie my shoes.
15:52
I couldn't reach them and Neil Patrick Harris did it for me. Very nice guy.
15:56
And you know, we we exchanged numbers.
16:00
But I played quarterback.
16:00
My last pass was intercepted by Snoop Dogg. True story. Oh, yeah. Look at me there.
16:07
That's uh That's me morphing into Kid Rock, I guess. I never Wow.
16:11
I love the uh I just got out of a psych ward. They take your laces.
16:15
Could you imagine they're afraid I'm going to hang myself with my laces? I mean, look at me.
16:20
It's the hottest thing I've ever had in my mouth. Right now? Oh my god.
16:23
It sizzled a little bit, huh, Artie? Wow. Yeah. god.
16:28
All right, up next you're on Fallon. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I barely fit the chair.
16:32
There's only two people who can fit that chair, it's me and Chelsea Handler.
16:36
Are Fallon's chairs more comfortable than our chairs or less comfortable than our chairs?
16:40
There's nothing less comfortable than this chair.
16:41
That's I had a feeling that's what you were going to say. Ooh. Sorry. I love this look.
16:46
I look like Dom DeLuise in between Cannonball Run shoots.
16:48
My credit score was actually lower than my cholesterol level.
16:52
That's how you know you're a loser. All right, Artie.
16:56
This is going to be rough.
17:00
All right, so this next one is Blair's Mega Death Sauce with Liquid Rage. Okay.
17:16
I don't want to that milk.
17:20
Put the hot sauce on the top dial on my tongue. Right, right.
17:26
It just feels like something's about to happen. And it's not good.
17:30
So, getting have Artie Lang on First We Feast without talking about your love for food, what's your Yelp review of your Hot Ones experience so far? Unique.
17:40
Which is tough to do nowadays.
17:40
It's It's an original process, an original approach to the talk show.
17:46
If you had to pick one food item to represent the culinary wonderland of New Jersey, what would it be? Peach is too cliche.
17:53
I'd say um I'd say an Italian hot dog, which is not what people think it is. It's not a sausage.
17:59
An Italian hot dog is an actual hot dog in a big pita roll, like those catcher's mitt rolls.
18:04
With peppers, uh potatoes, and mustard. It's a Jersey original.
18:08
Do you call it a pork roll or a Taylor ham? Taylor ham. Which is really weird.
18:12
That's a very Jersey thing, and I I'm not trying to be cool about it.
18:15
That's just what we call it. It's odd.
18:18
What was the meal that you missed most when you were in jail? Uh I get that as a gift? You actually do. This is the Last Dab.
18:37
It's called the Last Dab because it's tradition around here to put a little extra on the last wing. Right.
18:42
You don't have to if you don't want to.
18:44
You don't have to if you don't want to. Arsenic?
18:50
So, the stuff on your already Yeah, yeah. There you go. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good.
18:55
So, when I want to be hallucinating later, what actually happens? It's just a world.
18:57
You just keep your head, you know?
18:59
Grab an ice pack if you need to.
19:02
I wake up driving a police car? All right, Artie. Good to know you, buddy. Cheers, my dude.
19:18
You got a little left, but I can see. It's on. Oh, man. That's a lot of drink. Very hot. Wash, wash. That's how we made it. Yeah. Crystal was nothing.
19:44
Yeah, it really puts things into perspective. Why is Valentina there? Well, what if it wasn't? Just go right to this. Lightning round. Holy Yeah. Yeah.
19:55
I I suppose this is the show. This is it. It's happening. It's happening.
20:03
Oh my god, I think I got an open cut. In your mouth?
20:13
Wow, that's something else.
20:16
All right, Artie, it's been a roller coaster ride through 10 wings, and now that we have a belly full of chicken and hot sauce, I just have one more question for you.
20:23
You're a man who's done a lot in comedy.
20:25
You've written New York Times bestsellers.
20:27
You've had a hot mic on the best radio show in history, directed feature films.
20:32
But, what's left on the Artie Lange comedy bucket list?
20:35
What is it that fuels that kid from New Jersey who just loves to make people laugh?
20:42
Well, right now, the hope that hot sauce and heroin make a unique high. Which I imagine it does.
20:49
I'll let you know in about a minute.
20:51
I I probably love to go get coffee with Jerry Seinfeld.
20:55
You want to be on that show, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?
20:57
Yeah, I want to I want to get a coffee with Jerry Seinfeld.
21:01
And I want to say that a lot of people mistake me for uh Newman.
21:07
A lot of chicks have left New York City thinking they blew Newman.
21:10
Look at you, Artie Lange, basking in the glory of having eaten 10 wings, 10 scorching hot chicken wings on YouTube.
21:19
I don't know what it's like to climb the top of Mount Everest, but I have a feeling you do.
21:23
Now, there's nothing left to do but roll out the red carpet, my man.
21:26
This camera, this camera, or this camera, let the people know what you have going on in your life.
21:32
I'm on a show on HBO called Crashing. Uh I play me. Uh which is sad.
21:38
I'm on a podcast called the Artie and Anthony Show with Anthony Cumia.
21:44
And also, I have a book coming out.
21:46
It's called uh Is That Blood or Wine Punch? Good job, Artie.
21:54
No, that was really unique.
21:54
I mean, I wish I got to sneeze again, but Go for it, my man. Okay.
22:01
Um that just sort of relives it.
22:05
Hey, what's going on, Hot Ones fans?
22:05
A quick heads-up, the second annual ComplexCon is coming to Long Beach, California on November 4th and 5th, and you know, First We Feast and Hot Ones are going to be in the building.
22:14
There's going to be a live Hot Ones taping.
22:18
We're going to be doing a panel with my buddies Andy Milonakis and Matty Matheson.
22:21
The Last Dab will be for sale.
22:24
It's a whole thing, total circus. Hope to see you there.